Why Am I Unhappy? I Did Everything Right

I was told to study and study hard I did. Education will give you a job, then you will not need anyone,I was told. So I put my nose to the grindstone and worked my way through a gruesome 8,4,4 curriculum. Just like that, 16 good years of my life were gone. As if those were not enough, someone decided to add another several years of my golden life, because of all the careers in the world, God decided I should become a lawyer. (Was it God or my misguided unwise self back then? I don’t know. Sorry God)

I hardly remember the excruciating moments through nursery to University Graduation Day. I think that is mostly because our minds have a therapeutic way of making us forget our pain, if it proves to be too much for us to handle. Or, there are just too many distractions or demands for our time and attention throughout our life, that we hardly have time to recall what we ate yesterday, let alone what trauma we have been subjected to in our past. That must be it! We are just too busy doing the wrong things which hardly give us any joy! Think about it! If you cannot come forth and say it, I will: I am too unhappy and I cannot for the life of me understand why that is! I did everything right! I even walked the extra mile of picking one of those career paths that should guarantee prestige and success. Then why am I depressed? Where is the joy that was promised to all of us hard-working souls ? Where is the paradise?

I want to say someone must have lied to us! Education might be important but I am starting to think that an overzealous investment in a career path which empties the bank, your youth and your mental health and which gives very little in return, is not the right way to go! Absolutely not advisable! It does not pass the common sense test!

Not to come off as too negative. I am not trying to say we should not become professionals. Far from it! What I am saying is invest wisely. Spend your energy on something which brings you happiness. If something asks too much of you and you know you could do better pursuing something else, please listen to your heart.

Some people love food and dining but they end up becoming civil engineers, not chefs! Why? Some people love to write but you cannot see a single course in our Kenyan Universities that will guarantee you a career as a successful author. And what do such people do? We become the closest or farthest thing from what we love, lawyers or even doctors! Instead of waking up everyday excited about our next idea for our next book or to simply read the next best book, we have to attend thousands of hours of classes trying to teach us how to draft a freaking notice of motion with ridiculous affidavits. Don’t start me on civil and criminal procedure and the damn rules of hell. Where is the inspiration? What room is there for creativity and personal expression? Not every letter should have “the subject matter refers!” I find these formal letters boring and mediocre, to say the least. I never loved rules when it came to writing. They simply suffocate your creativity and are a sure fire way of chasing the writer out of you!

On a more positive note(trust me I am trying to smile), I realize it is not the end of the world. I also thankfully realize, that I have this wonderful platform to write and share my thoughts with my wonderful readers all across the universe.I did not throw away my passion for writing and even if it is tiny and cannot be compared to thousands of dollars invested on exhausting miserableness that is my career, I was able to invest a few dollars every year for this blog that is my breath of fresh air!

The message in this whole catastrophe is, please do something you love!

You Don’t Have To Fight Anymore

Dear all of you who have been in hell,

You don’t have to fight anymore!

You survived. You came through to the other side of hell. You no longer have to take a defensive stance anymore. You are safe.

I know the place you have come from. A place which made you suffocate. A toxic home environment. A narcissistic ex. A deal gone wrong. Cancer. Heartbreak and pain. That place made you scared. It is a dark place to be at. You held on with all your strength. And had to borrow some. You refused to give up. You wanted to so much, but you could not pack up and run. Because where else would you go? Who cared enough about what you had been through. All people saw was a wreck. All people heard in your cries was complaints. They would not understand. No they just don’t care. Because it is not happening to them. They will only care to judge, saying, ” Oh you have changed!”. How do they expect you to remain the same, when all that you went through alone took such a toll on your very essence as a soul. Don’t they remember the wars you had to fight alone? One against them all? How could they forget your dark nights of the soul? Those moments you wished you had died. But alive you still remained. How would they know? They would not understand. You gave your all in the fight. But the dark hole took just as much as well. It took your smile. Your free spirit. It stole your heart and turned it to bile. It made sure you would always stay afraid. Afraid of trusting in the world. Afraid of opening your heart. Your softness turned into aggression. Your warmth to ice. You built walls. As high up as the sky. Nobody could break through to reach your true self. You stayed alert. Always weary of others’ intentions. You don’t need to fight anymore. The worst is over.

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