Living the consequences of my words spoken years ago

Guys I don’t know what to say anymore. I am tongue-tied and I have no way of changing my unwanted reality. I have been too frustrated at the fact that everyone around me seems to have gotten married in the last year and is settled down in their home with their hubby. I on the other hand, have only been stuck in an unhealthy relationship with someone who will never put that ring on my finger even if the skies were to fall otherwise. You can imagine my frustration after four years on and off with this person who only had one thing in his mind and which was to have as much fun as possible when he can before I meet someone who would marry me. It may sound like no big deal to you who is reading this right now, but trust me when I tell you that when you have invested in someone with all your heart and soul and cannot seem to get over them no matter what you do or where you go, and this person no matter what will always make it clear to you that you are nothing more than a girl toy, it hurts like hell. The regret you would feel is insurmountable. You would wish you could have the power to erase from destiny the day you two had set eyes on one another. But we both know you can’t.

Better late than never is what they say. I made a decision to cut off any involvement with any man who is not a marriage prospect in reality. Sometimes I disconnect from reality and this is what happens whenever I live in the clouds for too long: reality basically trashes me and all my dreams get delayed or quashed. I am making a choice to stay firmly rooted to the ground that is my reality in all its ugliness. No more escaping into fantasy land. As far as love and commitment is concerned, I have made a choice to never entertain anyone who does not check the reality box; if he is not single and available to commit to me he is a huge no way not even a hi!

At this point in my life I am tired of attending other people’s weddings especially if they are younger than I am. I seem to be getting these invitations and the whole world is seemingly getting married and settling down. I hate it so much and this reminds me of the local saying that, Msiba wakujitakia hauambiwi pole meaning that if someone causes themselves trouble or suffering, they are not entitled to a sorry. Many years ago I wanted just this: to prioritize studies over anything and everything else including marriage. When it came to discussions about getting married back then, I would strongly disagree with anyone who was pro marriage and argue that no woman in their wise mind should leave studies to get married or mix the both of them at the same time. I used to affirm and believe that men would only give me a bad life if I were to be dependent on them. So independence was everything. I needed to study and get a job to be financially secure before I thought of marriage. Well, I got what I wanted even though it is no longer what I need. I realized even with a job and money, if you were alone and isolated you couldn’t be happy. Work and no home meant that I would work too much until I burnt out and live an unbalanced life which would make me sick eventually. I now understand that a happy life is a balanced one.

I Created My Husband

Everyone at some point in their life goes through a “Who will I marry? When will I meet the one?” crisis( trust me, ask the tarot readers they will tell you it is true). Just like midlife crisis for men and menopause for women, this rather depressing phase of our life could drag on for what seems like forever, making us question whether God of Happy-Ever-After was even getting our incessant applications for that perfect soulmate in the first place, or he just doesn’t even have the time to see them, because he is too busy orchestrating happy endings for everyone else, except for us!

Ping Ponging between our exes remains the only option albeit the least attractive one, but what could a girl do? Netflix has run out of good tv and self-pleasing is not fun anymore( my clitoris is screaming for ceasefire, she is falling apart, she is threatening to file a domestic abuse complaint with the Clitoris Police). Little does anyone know, Mr. Right just cannot be one of our exes. They are exes for a reason!

So how does a girl get married? What is the name of the store which sells husbands? How much does a 6 feet tall, blue-eyed, Henry cavill look-alike cost?

Since Heavenly Mail is on lockdown, and all my tear-filled prayers to God have been stamped “Return To Sender”, I am now convinced more than ever that praying is not going to be the way that does it for this girl, and maybe, it is this very state of hopelessness, which drove me to a very crazy idea: What if I could C.R.E.A.T.E my husband?

Bob Proctor in one of his videos mentioned that as spiritual beings in an energy-filled universe, we hold the power to manifest that which we desire through acting as if we already have it. So if applied correctly, this method uses feelings, a hypothesis invented by Neville Goddard in his book, Feeling Is the Secret which explains that you could create your circumstances of choice by feeling as if you were already living in them. This includes people, too. So as Proctor would detail it for us, you need to start seeing the person of your dreams in your mind’s eye, talk and act as if he is right there beside you. For this to really work, you need to of course, start with a face, the colour of his eyes, his smile(and those dimples), his hair, his height, complexion and frame. The next step would be to give him a name( of course, come on). All this sounds easy right? No big deal! Well that is not all you have to do… it gets a little bit spooky and downright cray cray from here on out!

Living with a ghost is more like it. If I remember correctly, Proctor said you have to sleep with him, set a side a space with his pillow beside you on the bed, talk to him as if he is really there, ( talk of the imaginary boy in the movie, the Conjuring),basically, all the stuff you would normally do with your partner.The key is to get your imagination going, but not too far, I hope.

Playing God does have its perks. You get to choose how he looks like, make him just the way you would want him to be, just the way you like your pizza or birthday cake! Delicious and mouth watering, and no matter how many times you have had them, you just can’t have enough! I wish this works, because here is a little secret, I just bought a cauldron for this magic mix and I can’t wait to stir! The final product is blue-eyed like Hamoa beach of Maui, is tall and oh so handsome! Abracadabra!

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