The Unconscious

My dearest readers, I am here again, well thanks to some Eureka moment which I found myself in from watching, “Devil in Ohio”. And no! This isn’t about the Devil. It is about me and my struggle to understand the effects my childhood trauma has had upon my life. While deliciously mysterious with a strong start to it, the limited series is more about our childhood traumas and how we cope as adults than anything else- atleast to me.

Somewhere in the series, Dr. Suzanne is taking the step we all must take at some point of our life, especially if we had had a less than favorable childhood- seeing a therapist. She finds herself seated before a brain-picking genius of a therapist who spoke to me just as much as she spoke to our Dr. In that scene, she tells her that the reason she wants to save everyone even when it is not convenient for herself or her family, is because she wasn’t saved as a child from an abusive stepfather and a complacent mother. She has three amazing daughters, the last of whom she adopted, if you didn’t count the newest member of her family, an abused run-away girl from a satanic occult group. Apparently, according to the therapist, our Dr. would have saved every lost and unloved child in the universe, if she could. In that moment, when the therapist looked into her eyes and said these simple albeit powerful words, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Dearest reader, I don’t know why exactly these words struck me so deeply. Could it be because, I, like Dr. Suzanne, feel compelled to save others who appear to be in need of saving? Could it perhaps have anything to do with why I am drawn to help little abandoned kittens who have nobody to help them? Is this also why I am scared of being abandoned myself by family and friends? Also, why I am afraid of venturing out into the scary world outside my comfort zone and safe space?

For this reason, and many others, I find myself afraid of anything new. I want to stay with what’s familiar as long as I can, maybe, forever. I don’t want to break free if it means having to leave my safe space and face the uncertainty of the world outside. Outside is not safe. That is what my mind tells me. Nothing is guaranteed I might regret my decision to leave home if things don’t work out wherever it is I would be. I feel like Rapunzel, except if she were offered a chance to flee, I would instead choose to stay in the familiar, safe prison.

A Time For Everything

Dear Reader, I know I have been quiet, maybe, too quiet. But like everything else, my silence has a reason. You could say I have done the most healing and self-care in silence than any other time. Let me update you on what Has happened this past few weeks.

I have found Jesus in my struggles. Yes on several occasions I found myself calling him to come save me. And perhaps you could say he actually did, or IS doing right now. The universe in some mysterious way arranged for me to see a doctor for my mental health. He talks and I listen. I tell him about all the things I could only say on this blog before. Now, I see this as a huge step in my life since before now, I could only suffer alone, without anyone’s guidance or direction. And OH, HAVE I SUFFERED! You guys stand witness.

On the downside, seeing a doctor means that I am too sleepy to write. Sometimes I felt my mind numb and so I let it. These days, I am slowly finding my voice again. I hope this post is a testament to the fact that indeed nobody will help us if we don’t decide for ourselves to get the help we so desperately need and must have. I don’t know what the future holds but I am at peace with the fact that self-care and healing is finally a top priority in my life as of this moment. Like in the Bible, in Ecclesiastes 3 when it was said: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. Now is my time to heal!

Meditation of Love and Forgiveness-Ho’opnopono

I am Sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

Ho’opnopono

There is something in this world which responds beautifully to these four words: I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Speak them often to yourself and to absolutely anything else in your life, and watch as stuff start to change for the better. They say you need to at least do this meditation for 21 days to see the results. I am on day I don’t know but it has been several days now and I am already feeling much better overall.

This powerful meditation has an equally powerful story behind it. A psychiatrist used this healing meditation on a group of hopeless and dangerous lunatics with criminal records whom no doctor could treat and had been left in an abandoned ward and they all ended up fully healed and well. I must say, it was hard to believe at first, given that they are just simple words with no extraordinary meaning to them, however, I have come to realize that they could be life-changing if felt with the heart! They are capable of healing your unresolved traumas, your inner child, your stormy relationships and your negative thought patterns.

Love is healing and so is gratitude. That is why I think the two words, I love you and thank you in this meditation stand out to me the most. Interestingly, this world seems to have been built around a certain wavelength which reacts to any expression of gratitude. For example, if you were to say thank you everyday for everything you have, you would notice that everything else you wanted before keeps on coming to you effortlessly. The more gratitude you show, the more things keep showing up for you to be grateful for. It is a code which responds directly proportional to your level of gratitude.

The miracles this Ho’oponopono meditation could unravel are infinite. I believe only when you have used it to heal yourself and others with whom you have had a falling out, will you be able to see the benefits this meditation holds. Even then, you wouldn’t have seen everything it has to offer you unless you are willing to try it on absolutely anything and everything.

Talking of experimenting, I saw a video where a woman was saying these words to money she was holding in her hands. She spoke to the money as if it was alive and for once I think we could have the answer to solving all our world problems such as poverty, food insecurity, epidemics and wars. Imagine if the whole world were to practice this meditation with intention to alleviate all the disasters mankind has had to endure throughout generations! I believe the world would become heaven itself! Let’s Ho’oponopono our way into 2022, shall we?

Our Anxieties

There is a reason why we get scared. I once met someone who had a panic attack every time they thought they would stay hungry. To prevent this from happening, they would buy lots of food that they don’t even need. Another person was so scared of being broke he would get sick when his account dropped below three figures! It is obvious that these people had had traumas in the past about this stuff they cannot do without.

There is a normal level of anxiety for example, the kind that students experience before an exam, or the type which leaves you breathless as you anticipate your first date with your crush. Then there is the crippling monster of fear which paralyzes you and leaves you dysfunctional.

I equate this fear to annoying, theiving ants who bombard your food ration, like a destructive and malicious army of sneaky theives.

After observing several people, including myself, suffer in the hands of this monster, I came up with anxiety hypothesis:

Every fear or anxiety is related to a past trauma. Therefore, in order to heal from it one has to heal the trauma from the past.

It might be hard to realize why you break down or go into full blown panic attack in the face of this problem or that, but once you observe your behavior and response in the triggering situations, you will see it when it is coming and get an upperhand in controlling it from robbing you off of your joy and peace. Anxiety is the enemy, but this enemy is not unconquerable!

Please Heal My Broken Heart

I met a girl once. She was beautiful, full of life and enthusiasm. She loved to write and to meditate and connect with animals and the whole world. She smiled always and would treat everyone she met with kindness. However, behind all that sweetness lay deep wounds. Wounds that tormented her in the night.

She tells me that sometimes she would cry without knowing why. She narrated to me all about her awful childhood, when she felt the most helpless and alone. I asked her, “where were your parents?” I know her parents very well. Her father is a prominent philanthropist who traveled to remote areas of the world to help people with food and build schools and wells. Her mother, a very pleasant and sweet lady who is kind and compassionate towards ants and other animals, is my closest friend. I could not understand what my friend was explaining to me. I felt alone, neglected and abandoned to the harsh world all by myself. I did the most part of raising myself. I could not experience what it feels like to go home and see a happy, united family. I do not know how it feels like to be shown affection by my father. She went on and on. I listened, my ears burning from all the pain infused within her words, I have never felt so guilty as I felt in that moment. The only complaint I have about my childhood is that my sister was getting more attention than me. Who could tell that there are others who would wish to simply see parents when they come back home from school? Did I take my parents for granted.(Sorry mum and dad).

Her ordeal made me think of all the things we take for granted in our lives. I promised to stay grateful for every thing I have, no matter how obvious or simple it is.

The things which shocked me the most when she was telling me her story, was the fact that even now, when she is 27 years old, she still struggles with getting any sign of affection from her father, who was absent throughout her life. She suffered immensely from low self esteem and confidence. Mostly she felt worthless. When everyone outside would praise her and her talent or the fact that she did law and is eloquent, has her own site and pursues her own hobby, all these things people were amazed about her, sounded alien to her. It was as if they were describing someone else. I would feel as if they had it all wrong about who I was. For how could an unloved child who could not be loved by her own father and who did not have any family growing up, be all those amazing things they were saying? I felt a hard lump form in my throat as I fought to stop my tears from falling. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to tell her wake up, see how beautiful and accomplished and talented you are. I wanted to confess to her how I envy her for all that she is. I hoped at least this would reassure her of her worth, make her feel important. But the words could not come out of my mouth as I fought back the stabbing pain in the lamp pressing my throat.

How do people suffer so much so young? How many wounds do we hide from ourselves and the world and put up a smile when we are dying and crying for help on the inside? Who heals our hearts when we have so much pain and suffering? Who heals our minds from all the distorted beliefs about our own unworthiness? For how long will we remain victims of those who have more power than us, those who were meant to have mercy on us and love us?

How Self-Aware Are You?

I registered for Kain Ramsay’s counselling course at Udemy, and perhaps, this is the best decision I have ever made. The universe took me to this course, before this, I did not even know about Udemy and that there are courses you can take for as low as 17 bucks. The ad on Instagram was quite random as well and I had no idea I was following this site. But here I was, clicking on the link and finding myself quite drawn to register for it right away! And I did.

Continue reading “How Self-Aware Are You?”

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