I didn’t Pay for My Sleep This Week

It is 4 in the morning and I tried very hard to get an hour of sleep. In fact, this whole week I have struggled with getting any sleep but instead found myself watching Netflix or stuck in the dimension of You Tube Shorts for hours on end. Oh yes! This feels familiar: it is time for another one of my depressive episodes. How long is this gonna last? God knows, or the devil, Idk!

Looks like I didn’t pay for my sleep this past two weeks. OMG, it has already been that long. The thing about depression is that you can easily lose track of time, or your life! How else would you not if you slept only when it was day time and stayed up like the vampire that you are all through the night? Unless the whole world starts shifting working hours to after dusk and schools open at night time, life will pass you by whilst in this state. I just hope God will fight for me and with me this time. I hope whatever this is, God will stand by me and see me through. I let God do what only he can do!

Would You have agreed to come Had you known…

Would you have agreed to come live the life you have been living had you known before hand how it was going to be?

I don’t feel like I should add anything more to the earth-shuttering, enlightening and eye-opening question above. It is the most powerful question you could ask yourself. Would you have come had you known the kind of hardships and trials you would face?Do you think you could come back and relive the same hell over again without hesitation?

Sometimes, I question the point of life. Why are we here in the first place if we just struggle, grow old and die? Then there is the question we have all been wondering, where do good people go when they die? You know, the ministers and the authors of self-help books and mentors who dedicated their entire lives to teach, guide and help us live better lives. Bob Proctor, who couldn’t have hurt a fly left. Dr. Wayne Dyer who swore there is meaning and purpose to our life, left. All these amazing gurus who you would think God or the universe would keep them longer than the serial rapist who is paying time, or that murderess who is convicted for drowning her own toddlers for obvious reasons: we need more people like Bob and Wayne and less like Elize Matsunaga or Westerfield. But no, they are very much alive and breathing through their nostrils very much the same as they had when they were born. It is for this very reason that I find myself wondering whether this place we know as Earth is actually where good people are sent and are supposed to stay long at. On a deeper note, I am having a hard time believing that I don’t deserve to be in this hell if that is what this is, where bad people are sent to be tested and tried and cleansed from their evilness through pain and suffering, disease and dread, because I think I just massacred a whole community of ants who were in the rice cooker by turning it on. Does this mean, every time I wipe the ants away with a mop, because they are overtaking the little space I have and being a nuisance, that I am one of the hell dwellers and that’s why I am stuck here, suffering with the rest of you?( I mean no offense)

Apart from gurus taking the fastest train outta this place, think about the wars, pandemic, violence and mass confusion presently coloring the world today. Now ask yourself, if this place really was it, you know that destination we all want and the nirvana our hearts seek, would such awful stuff exist? Even more interesting is the fact that nobody can claim they came to this place without having suffered in some form or another. Now which place is described in religions as painful, dark, confusing, hot and full of suffering if not hell? What if I suppose that hell is right here- just masterfully disguised by someone who loves dark humor? What if all the gurus and Jesus and Mohammed all came here from a higher place to help hell dwellers on their path to restoration and redemption? What if all these good people who leave early have successfully completed their mission and have now departed this horrid,dying place never to return?

The dense dimension

If you try to pray, you will notice it takes time to manifest your prayers in this 3 dimensional realm. Why do you think that is? I have a theory: I think it is because we are somewhere dense and heavy, possibly under ground, cast away in such manner that it would take a serious effort on anyone of us to raise our vibration to such heights that would match even a little bit, the superior vibration of what we desire- peace, prosperity and happiness- all feelings characterized by heavenly energies of purity, love and light- which obviously are harder and harder to come by in this realm which is immersed in suffering, wars, disease and depression. There is a stark mismatch between these two levels of energy which cannot go unnoticed. It is as if you are stuck in a dark hole 7000 feet deep and are asking if you could have a walk on the beach, or you’re a plankton fifty thousand kilometres deep in the Atlantic ocean and have been all your life, and you pray every day to know what it feels like to ride a plane. How could that be possible? You get what I am trying to say? When I pray for something that never comes, I feel like that plankton and for good reason because that is how far under it feels like we are from heaven.

What I would give to ask the late John Osteen, Dr. Wayne and all others one question: “Where are you now? And is where you are better than here? And if that is the case, then where is here and what did we do to deserve to be sent to this place?”

Que Sera Sera

Today, right here, I will take an oath that I swear not to get worried about when and how something I want will happen. I swear that as long as I shall live, I shall focus on the present moment only and stop worrying about my future. I wish to just live in the here and now without a care in the world!

The happiest people on earth must be those who live each day at a time. Imagine how freeing it would be if we all just didn’t give a dime about tomorrow. Had we all been content with our todays and paused to enjoy them mindfully, I believe anxiety and depression would not exist.

However, so many of us have forgotten how to live in the present moment and instead ruin it by spending today worrying about tomorrow. On the other hand, if we spent so much time and energy worried, you would think that would change what was already meant to happen in our future but that is rarely the case. Seeing the state of unpredictable wars, pandemics and god knows what else happening all around the world, I am convinced that no amount of worrying or foresight would have prepared us for what was already destined to happen. The future is out of our hands and there is nothing we could do to change that fact! It would serve us well to know that as much as we plan and go about our lives as if everything is going to happen according to our wishes and desires so long as we put in the necessary effort and work hard because nothing is free, most of what is waiting for us is mostly unexpected and a surprise-good or bad will depend on how hard you prayed and whether or not God likes you(I am just joking with this one).

Prayer

They say if you pray hard enough, even if it takes ten years, you will get what you prayed for. However, nobody said how we were going to survive those years we spend waiting. In the same way, nobody said how we were supposed to bear seeing everyone around us receive quite so easily what would be the things we need most in life more than anyone else. It is frustrating to pray and not see anything change. It is even more depressing to wait on the Lord when you know he is an abundant God who, if he wills can make anything happen before we even have time to blink. In order to feel better we tell ourselves how God is protecting us from what we want that is why we don’t get it, but if he is the Omniscient and Omnipotent Almighty God, I am sure he could just as easily replace what was bad with better and give us that in the same amount of time it would take him to bring the sunrise tomorrow morning! So, the question is, why is God so slow in answering the prayers of his humans who need him the most? I don’t know but what I know is this: That no amount of relentless praying would ever change what God has decided. If it is just not the time for me and you to get married to our dream spouses and live in our dream homes, it is just not yet our time. Simple!

Way forward

Now that we have established the fact that it does not matter the amount of prayers you send up to the sky, what matters is whether your time to receive and enjoy what you desire has come or not, there is no reason to remain frustrated or worried because we don’t yet have what we want(or in extreme situations, what we absolutely must get to survive in which case we are screwed). Worrying will not speed up our timeline nor is it of any help to feel jealous over other people’s blessings which they seem to get without wanting or needing them. And Bam! Perhaps I have answered my own question. The very fact that we obsess over the stuff we want could be working against us by making those things take even longer to come. Maybe if we just let them go and said, “fluff off I don’t need you,” they will magically start chasing after us(I mean, it works with men).

Detachment from attachment

“Pray about it and let it go.” I must have heard this statement a thousand times. In retrospect, I must also have written a post before about why we shouldn’t pray for what we want. I thought I was wrong because praying is good and it never hurt anyone to ask God for a favor or two. Can it be perhaps, God does not want to be pestered about what we want all the time and instead he would much rather if we simply had faith that he already knew our desires and has been preparing them for us or rather, us for them.

It is crazy that God should take too long to create anything anyone wants no matter how big and impossible it seems, when he created the whole world and everything we know from nothing in just 6 days! I mean what I want is dust compared to the whole universe/s.

Therefore, I can’t help but feel, like it is all about when the time is right in God’s eyes and not our own. When he deems it is the right time for us to get married, so what if we are sixty? As long as in his eyes that is the right time, then so be it! Remember guys, we didn’t even get consulted about coming here to join this freak show we call life in the first place, so why would anyone ask us how we wish to live it? It seems a bit presumptuous of everyone to think they could live life on their terms when they couldn’t stop growing old and dying even if they worked hard all their life to avoid it. This life is like that gift you can’t return, because it would be impolite to do so and you can’t fully call your own either, because the person who gifted it to you wants you to use it based on their own terms and conditions. My advice: let us just enjoy whatever we get offered in life and call it a day, shall we? One day we will all die and what is eating our heads right now won’t even matter when we kick that dreaded bucket. Why bother? Let’s just live, que sera sera!

The Foreboding Darkness; A reflection of our dark nights of the Soul

I am lying on my bed with a phone in my hands. The lights are out and I am inspired to write about the darkness which we normally find ourselves stuck in, in the course of our lives.

I have been through my fair share of dark nights of the soul. Put simply, a dark night of the soul is when you cannot see a way out of your miserable situation. It is when you feel like a victim of circumstances. People and places hurt you. You feel lost and incapable of pulling yourself out of the rut. It is when negativity has made its home in your mind. Smiling is painful and detestable. You wish the pain in your heart will go away. You don’t see the light at the end of anywhere and you gave up on God a long time ago and perhaps blame him for your current state, if you still believe he exists.

I think the biggest tell-tale sign of a dark night of the soul is that whoever is going through one, looks out for anything which will help them cope. They will overeat, overdrink, use and abuse drugs if that helps and binge watch TV to blindness. Those with previous obsessions or addictions, relapse during this time and they lose themselves to whatever that is which makes them escape from their current, pain-filled, hopeless and distraught reality. During this time, ironically, when we need God the most, it is when we alienate Him and stay as far away as we can from any mention of a holy scripture, graceful words or prayer.

So right now, as I gaze into the darkness looming over my room, I cannot help but feel a sense of familiarity with that black nothingness, which sends chills down my spine and makes me get goose bumps. I think it is my body’s way of recoiling from the horrific memories of my past. It is as if my eyes are staring into the shapeless, formless shade of blackness, scared to see my old self somewhere in there; crying sleepless into the night, not having anything work out, breaking down and under, feeling abandoned and alone and not seeing any flicker of hope. In this mirror of misery, it is as if my eyes are looking into the lives of everyone who is still stuck inside this forlorn abode, with no way out. It is as if my eyes are affirming to me, who is now standing in the circle of light radiating from my flashlight, You got out! You survived!Others are still stuck there. Others are not so lucky!

Therefore, whenever I raise my hands to pray, I tell God I am not praying just for myself, but for those who cannot pray for themselves. I tell him, God I am praying for those who are stuck in the pits of darkness. Fighting colossal monsters of depression,hopelessness,self-harm,drug abuse, helplessness,illness, victimization and isolation.Just like me, who got out perhaps because someone had remembered to pray for me, today I pray for them, in hopes that my prayer may bring light into someone’s life and save them from the darkness and into the light. God, stand by those who have lost hope in life, those who cry alone in the dark of the night, wondering if anyone cares, if anyone hears their cries for deliverance from the storms of their life. God please expand their chests and lift the burdens off of their shoulders and call them to you. Show them what you have shown me, the joy and peace that can be found in your warm and loving embrace. Amin

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