Love is not enough

All we need is love, they say. Well, I disagree. While love feels like the warm rays of the sunrise on your face after a freezing, damp and dark night, the sun does not last for in the evening, it bids goodbye and leaves us once again, clad in the shadow of the night.

For this reason, I didn’t think twice about telling him how this is not going to work. It was high time I accepted the fact that he was just not going to give me the life I need. As expected, he was realistic again, as he said he couldn’t see a future with us. He was always the realist, this man. I was the one living in the clouds and building castles without a foundation. I was always dreaming of a future where there was none to be had. However, today was the first time I felt calm about letting him go. It was always nerve wrecking before, whenever reality hit hard and I was forced to step away. There was once a time I would dread not hearing from him for even a day. That time is over. Thankfully I can breath and sleep without a problem. I am sure he hates how I have changed but he should know that by now, I love myself enough to walk away, not bitter and broken, but happy and at peace!

To this man I once loved more than myself I say sorry. I am sorry for leaving you after I learned to live myself first and foremost. I am sorry that I am running so fast and it looks like I am leaving you behind- to the same place you were when I met you five years ago. That has always been my style, I am stuck so hard you would think i would never escape, but once I manage to free myself I never look back.

Therefore, after many runs of trial and error, I find myself free at last. I am free from the past me who would settle for crumbs of love when I deserved the whole box of cookies. I am free from my old version of me who would attract the same type of relationships which hurt me the same way my father has. That part of me who would get into relationships with men who reminded me of my father, so I would get triggered over and over again every time I couldn’t text someone or call them, or be acknowledged in public with them, is now dead. I buried her. End of the story!

Dissolving the Persona

It took for me to live 27 years of my life to realize that in order for anyone to become their best self, they must shed their old self. I call this process dissolving the persona. This is when you slowly chip away at an unshapely rudimentary rock, to create a beautiful sculpture of the person you want to be; your best self in all ways.

This process can only happen when you decide to allow it. It cannot happen unconsciously. It all begins when you make a choice to let go of the person you have known yourself to be until this point, and all the limitations you have placed upon your own self expression, abilities and dreams.The next step requires you to be daring and brave enough to step into a new identity of your own making and a new story of your life. The difference between the former you and the new you is this: you did not get to choose who you were since you were shaped by your circumstances which were mostly out of your control, whereas, this time, you get to choose who you want to become and control your life and your response to circumstances around you. In other words, before now, life happened to you but now, YOU happen to life, which has no choice but to heed to your every demand.

So why does anyone need to do this? Shouldn’t people just be happy the way they are? Well, are you happy the way you are? Are you living the life of your dreams? Are you living at your highest potential? Do you wake up happy and excited about your life each morning? Or do you dread opening your eyes to start another day? If life is not pleasing anymore, something needs to give. And if it is true that the world is a reflection of your dominant thoughts and attitudes, ideas and beliefs you hold about life and people, and your life sucks right now, then it is time to press DELETE on that folder you call everything about me I know about me that no longer serves me.

You will meet with resistance as you embark on your journey of skin shedding, mostly from yourself, as your old self resists the new and the uncomfortable. But you will take the reigns and slowly, gently push your old self out of the way, out of your way, as you step into a world filled with possibilities, where you could become anything you desire and assume a new identity which works for you, not against you. Through this evolution of self mastery and regeneration, you will become a super human being, who is happier, healthier, wiser and living a meaningful life, in harmony with yourself and everyone and everything around you.

Not My Jam But Here I am!

It began with an invitation. A harmless group of girls and firm mates in my class wanted to hang out and “put the face to the voice,” as they called it. Since I joined law school, we have only heard each others’ voices over teams so everyone was eager to meet. But I wasn’t!

Four months ago, I made a decision that would change my life. I decided, after waging several coup de tats over my will, passion and everything I was, to go back to school. This is no ordinary school mind you, it is Law School; that final race to the finish line of becoming a practicing advocate of the High Court of Kenya.

To every other lawyer, Law School is not only expected but accepted. To me, how do I put it? Let me just say, I was prepared to get cast away to a small island in the middle of the Indian ocean where the only source of food was coconuts, than to have to go to hell, I mean, Law school!

So believe me when I tell you that it had to take a pretty desperate, no-choice-but-to-go-back-to-school kind of a situation, to make me acquiesce.

Everything was all well and good the first few months, since learning was online( thanks to Covid, but no thanks) and I did not have to leave my comfort zone to move two cities away just for the sake of school. I was trying to avoid having to surrender familiar surroundings, for a cold stranger’s land, in the middle of a rich suburb, that had no compassion for poor students living in subsidized student hostels. Honestly, the fact that I would have to live with only two options for food for a year:Maizemeal and ramen, was only an excuse. The real reason I wanted to stay home was deeper than that; I have a hard time accepting change. I fear the worst. Always.

If I was that apprehensive of change, why am I bowling with strange girls and having so much fun?(I was the champion of the day).The old me would do everything possible to avoid hanging out with the girls. She would rather spend Sunday alone in her hostel room, trying to think why at 27, she is still single and miserable as hell( and also wondering if it is not too late to leave everything and go back home. The world is brimming with lawyers, one less wouldn’t kill the profession!).

So, long story short, four months later, as I write this piece, I am happily housed at the student hostels in the school , which I previously dreaded with my heart and soul. I find this whole experience very exciting, the city, everything I have wanted and dreamt about. If the Law of Attraction had a home in Kenya, this would be it! This is the land of manifestation of desires, angel numbers, signs and synchronicities. I am not alone. I am not a stranger. I am home. And this is where I want to be for the rest of my life!( And yes, I love bowling!)

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