All we need is love, they say. Well, I disagree. While love feels like the warm rays of the sunrise on your face after a freezing, damp and dark night, the sun does not last for in the evening, it bids goodbye and leaves us once again, clad in the shadow of the night.
For this reason, I didn’t think twice about telling him how this is not going to work. It was high time I accepted the fact that he was just not going to give me the life I need. As expected, he was realistic again, as he said he couldn’t see a future with us. He was always the realist, this man. I was the one living in the clouds and building castles without a foundation. I was always dreaming of a future where there was none to be had. However, today was the first time I felt calm about letting him go. It was always nerve wrecking before, whenever reality hit hard and I was forced to step away. There was once a time I would dread not hearing from him for even a day. That time is over. Thankfully I can breath and sleep without a problem. I am sure he hates how I have changed but he should know that by now, I love myself enough to walk away, not bitter and broken, but happy and at peace!
To this man I once loved more than myself I say sorry. I am sorry for leaving you after I learned to live myself first and foremost. I am sorry that I am running so fast and it looks like I am leaving you behind- to the same place you were when I met you five years ago. That has always been my style, I am stuck so hard you would think i would never escape, but once I manage to free myself I never look back.
Therefore, after many runs of trial and error, I find myself free at last. I am free from the past me who would settle for crumbs of love when I deserved the whole box of cookies. I am free from my old version of me who would attract the same type of relationships which hurt me the same way my father has. That part of me who would get into relationships with men who reminded me of my father, so I would get triggered over and over again every time I couldn’t text someone or call them, or be acknowledged in public with them, is now dead. I buried her. End of the story!