I am Tired of Fighting

Today wasn’t easy. In fact, I feel like I went way too hard on myself and that guy at the cyber. I had gone to print my resume in the last minute hoping to make it to town before the law firm closes. If the universe allowed it that is. Well, it turns out the universe wasn’t in a good mood for anyone’s biscuit, not even mine, her favorite human on the planet!

So I went into the empty cyber, gave the dude a bunch of documents to photocopy and left the resume for after they were ready. gracefully, he completes the first task and then asks me to share my resume and some recommendations via WhatsApp and just then, the whole lot from the World Association of Customers stormed into the tiny and dingy kiosk of a cyber and suddenly our guy is now too busy for me. I was there first, didn’t God say , “First come, first serve?”. The pressure cooker that was me at the time tried so hard to keep cool but we both know that level of self-control and calm only happens to monks who live far, far away on a mountain top somewhere in the part of the world with no phone service, wifi, and most importantly, no humans!

After trying to count the cobwebs on the inside of the tin roof and failing miserably, I noticed he was trying to haphazardly print out my resume without making sure it looked right on his laptop as he tended to the other guys’ tasks in the same breath. I don’t know about you, but it took me forever to arrange all the parts of my resume and revise it a thousand million times over and over again, rewriting and streamlining until my eyes were pissed at me. The least I could expect is that the guy pays some mind to my hard work so it doesn’t come out looking dismantled and unkempt. And that is exactly what happened! The resume came out looking like someone walked all over the letters and threw them around as if they were a tennis bouncing off of a racket. I heard myself say, ” This came out messy and now it is useless!” and before I was conscious of anything I was doing, I ripped the resume apart until it was only little pieces. Mind you, I wasn’t shouting over the top of my voice or jabbing fingers into his face, (even though he totally deserved it). I simply spoke my mind honestly and of course the ripping part is so that nobody could read my resume later when I put it in the trash. But in hindsight, I realize how I might have come across to him at that time. He must have thought I was doing it in spite because he went into a defensive mode faster than I could say “banana”. I had to tell him to serve the rest of the world first and I would wait until next year, standing there as time quickly went by without a care about my deadline.

Several years went by as I was debating in my head whether or not to skidaddle out of there and take the next quickest bus to town in time to catch the office before 5 PM. All the while, I felt a war brewing in the guy’s sharp movements and his energy was giving off really bad World War I vibes. I braced myself for an attack any time soon and he delivered. I spent the next minutes painfully listening to him as he patronized me and turned all the blame on me for not giving him the chance to open the resume and see if it was good to go or not. I am sure somewhere in those words I was called stupid several times. I believe it was during this moment I realized that the movie, ” the Purge” was justified after all. It is during times like these, when people push you to the extreme and you just let them, that you would need that special day when you can do absolutely anything, to purge. I was already thinking of some ideas if ever there was such a day, I would start with…).

As was expected, I couldn’t make it to the office anymore. I went back feeling all kinds of emotions, mostly hopelessness, for missing to make my application for the pupillage. On top of that, I just got bullied in front of fellow learned friends by a guy whose livelihood depended on us. I also felt I was to blame for choosing to go to his cyber when I could have gone anywhere else and most likely have made it in time to deliver my resume. I broke down and cried tears which could fill a well the size of Africa. Somewhere during that time I just gave up on even trying to get anything done anymore. I am too tired to fight to get simple things done in time. I am tired of experiencing setbacks here and there. At this point in my life if things don’t just start happening for me, I would rather not bother with anything at all!

P.S I am fine and very much alive. A little shopping after the ordeal lifted up my mood and what’s cool is that once I have written about something, it is not so powerfully painful any more.

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