I didn’t Pay for My Sleep This Week

It is 4 in the morning and I tried very hard to get an hour of sleep. In fact, this whole week I have struggled with getting any sleep but instead found myself watching Netflix or stuck in the dimension of You Tube Shorts for hours on end. Oh yes! This feels familiar: it is time for another one of my depressive episodes. How long is this gonna last? God knows, or the devil, Idk!

Looks like I didn’t pay for my sleep this past two weeks. OMG, it has already been that long. The thing about depression is that you can easily lose track of time, or your life! How else would you not if you slept only when it was day time and stayed up like the vampire that you are all through the night? Unless the whole world starts shifting working hours to after dusk and schools open at night time, life will pass you by whilst in this state. I just hope God will fight for me and with me this time. I hope whatever this is, God will stand by me and see me through. I let God do what only he can do!

The Whole World is Asking me to WAIT

Page is unresponsive…Wait! VPN is acting up breaking off my WIFI…wait! I am starving and the delivery is taking three hours…wait! My computer won’t start…wait! I am still single as hell…wait! I want to scream at the world to be faster…wait! My veins are boiling with indignation as I envision breaking and smashing stuff into the wall…wait! Wait! Wait!

Interestingly, I have zero patience. A sweet, smiling and beautiful face quickly turns into the HULK when I am forced to wait longer than is necessary for anything. God must be tired of my prayers for a husband because that line is disconnected nowadays. I seem to have so many things on my wish list put on hold, pending the thousands of lessons I have to learn to remain calm and composed as I wait in line for my time to come. Will it ever, though? I don’t see any sign!

Someone, somewhere is force-teaching me to wait. It sucks a lot to be told, “No, it is not your turn yet!”, As you watch everyone else being handed the life of their dreams. I pray and pray forever and ever. Nothing budges. I cry myself into despair and watch an episode of Schitt’s Creek and instantly feel better because at least I don’t live out of a motel and struggling to eat. Life sure treats everyone who signed up for it with some nasty surprises. It is as if life said, “If you don’t like it, you can leave!”. Well, some have tried, but God imagine taking a quick exit only to find yourself back here again, probably to retake the same exam you bailed from! That would be too cruel even for you, life!

We can deny it all we want, we can resist and fight and scream and get depressed but the fact remains: we signed up for a life which would only allow us to live on its own terms and so we must! I don’t know how many more lessons are stacked up on my path, but this I know: I am still going to freak out if that queue does not budge. I am still going to want to smash things into the wall, or at least smile at the thrill of the idea of it every time my computer refuses to start or that delivery takes hours. I don’t promise to be patient because I didn’t ask for the world to be too damn slow-moving. It is just not my problem!

Start a Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑