Pleading With God

I cannot believe I am writing this blog right now, especially when my oral exams are just a few hours away! But here goes!

I couldn’t sleep a wink last night so I decided to pray. While laying in bed, with my blanket tossed to the side, and my heart racing to the moon and back like it wasn’t a part of my body, I prayed. In my mind, a voice said, “Now is the time to make right with God. Settle your differences with him and ask for mercy.” I obliged. I raised my now trembling hands, and told him how much I needed him to help me with my exams. I pleaded with his infinitely merciful conduct and put all the prayers on auto play on my youtube. With a rosery in my hands, I began what would be a very long night of the pitter pattering of my heart in my chest, and the chocking tightening of my throat in my neck.I am sure God yesterday asked the angels in heaven, “who is that who has been imploring me all through the night? Please go check if she is okay. She sounds like she must be dying or something.”

I must have heard the words, “Don’t panic!” , “Don’t be scared,” atleast a million times now. “Believe in yourself because I believe in you,” was the latest song I heard today from someone I look up to and admire. If he could believe in me, why is it so hard for me to believe in myself? Come on now, even if I only spent the last two months gallivanting into and out of depression and anxiety, I must know at least one or two things! I cannot be blank, or could I?

Every cloud has a silver lining( I know it is cliché, I am hating myself for using it), and the silver here is that I am clad in a sharp blue suit and I am feeling like the first female president of Kenya. That fact alone, is enough to make me accept whatever the panel brings gracefully and with dignity, even if all I have to say is, “I don’t think I know the answer to that.” as many times as is allowed.

Our Anxieties

There is a reason why we get scared. I once met someone who had a panic attack every time they thought they would stay hungry. To prevent this from happening, they would buy lots of food that they don’t even need. Another person was so scared of being broke he would get sick when his account dropped below three figures! It is obvious that these people had had traumas in the past about this stuff they cannot do without.

There is a normal level of anxiety for example, the kind that students experience before an exam, or the type which leaves you breathless as you anticipate your first date with your crush. Then there is the crippling monster of fear which paralyzes you and leaves you dysfunctional.

I equate this fear to annoying, theiving ants who bombard your food ration, like a destructive and malicious army of sneaky theives.

After observing several people, including myself, suffer in the hands of this monster, I came up with anxiety hypothesis:

Every fear or anxiety is related to a past trauma. Therefore, in order to heal from it one has to heal the trauma from the past.

It might be hard to realize why you break down or go into full blown panic attack in the face of this problem or that, but once you observe your behavior and response in the triggering situations, you will see it when it is coming and get an upperhand in controlling it from robbing you off of your joy and peace. Anxiety is the enemy, but this enemy is not unconquerable!

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