The Unconscious

My dearest readers, I am here again, well thanks to some Eureka moment which I found myself in from watching, “Devil in Ohio”. And no! This isn’t about the Devil. It is about me and my struggle to understand the effects my childhood trauma has had upon my life. While deliciously mysterious with a strong start to it, the limited series is more about our childhood traumas and how we cope as adults than anything else- atleast to me.

Somewhere in the series, Dr. Suzanne is taking the step we all must take at some point of our life, especially if we had had a less than favorable childhood- seeing a therapist. She finds herself seated before a brain-picking genius of a therapist who spoke to me just as much as she spoke to our Dr. In that scene, she tells her that the reason she wants to save everyone even when it is not convenient for herself or her family, is because she wasn’t saved as a child from an abusive stepfather and a complacent mother. She has three amazing daughters, the last of whom she adopted, if you didn’t count the newest member of her family, an abused run-away girl from a satanic occult group. Apparently, according to the therapist, our Dr. would have saved every lost and unloved child in the universe, if she could. In that moment, when the therapist looked into her eyes and said these simple albeit powerful words, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Dearest reader, I don’t know why exactly these words struck me so deeply. Could it be because, I, like Dr. Suzanne, feel compelled to save others who appear to be in need of saving? Could it perhaps have anything to do with why I am drawn to help little abandoned kittens who have nobody to help them? Is this also why I am scared of being abandoned myself by family and friends? Also, why I am afraid of venturing out into the scary world outside my comfort zone and safe space?

For this reason, and many others, I find myself afraid of anything new. I want to stay with what’s familiar as long as I can, maybe, forever. I don’t want to break free if it means having to leave my safe space and face the uncertainty of the world outside. Outside is not safe. That is what my mind tells me. Nothing is guaranteed I might regret my decision to leave home if things don’t work out wherever it is I would be. I feel like Rapunzel, except if she were offered a chance to flee, I would instead choose to stay in the familiar, safe prison.

A Time For Everything

Dear Reader, I know I have been quiet, maybe, too quiet. But like everything else, my silence has a reason. You could say I have done the most healing and self-care in silence than any other time. Let me update you on what Has happened this past few weeks.

I have found Jesus in my struggles. Yes on several occasions I found myself calling him to come save me. And perhaps you could say he actually did, or IS doing right now. The universe in some mysterious way arranged for me to see a doctor for my mental health. He talks and I listen. I tell him about all the things I could only say on this blog before. Now, I see this as a huge step in my life since before now, I could only suffer alone, without anyone’s guidance or direction. And OH, HAVE I SUFFERED! You guys stand witness.

On the downside, seeing a doctor means that I am too sleepy to write. Sometimes I felt my mind numb and so I let it. These days, I am slowly finding my voice again. I hope this post is a testament to the fact that indeed nobody will help us if we don’t decide for ourselves to get the help we so desperately need and must have. I don’t know what the future holds but I am at peace with the fact that self-care and healing is finally a top priority in my life as of this moment. Like in the Bible, in Ecclesiastes 3 when it was said: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. Now is my time to heal!

I didn’t Pay for My Sleep This Week

It is 4 in the morning and I tried very hard to get an hour of sleep. In fact, this whole week I have struggled with getting any sleep but instead found myself watching Netflix or stuck in the dimension of You Tube Shorts for hours on end. Oh yes! This feels familiar: it is time for another one of my depressive episodes. How long is this gonna last? God knows, or the devil, Idk!

Looks like I didn’t pay for my sleep this past two weeks. OMG, it has already been that long. The thing about depression is that you can easily lose track of time, or your life! How else would you not if you slept only when it was day time and stayed up like the vampire that you are all through the night? Unless the whole world starts shifting working hours to after dusk and schools open at night time, life will pass you by whilst in this state. I just hope God will fight for me and with me this time. I hope whatever this is, God will stand by me and see me through. I let God do what only he can do!

Love is not enough

All we need is love, they say. Well, I disagree. While love feels like the warm rays of the sunrise on your face after a freezing, damp and dark night, the sun does not last for in the evening, it bids goodbye and leaves us once again, clad in the shadow of the night.

For this reason, I didn’t think twice about telling him how this is not going to work. It was high time I accepted the fact that he was just not going to give me the life I need. As expected, he was realistic again, as he said he couldn’t see a future with us. He was always the realist, this man. I was the one living in the clouds and building castles without a foundation. I was always dreaming of a future where there was none to be had. However, today was the first time I felt calm about letting him go. It was always nerve wrecking before, whenever reality hit hard and I was forced to step away. There was once a time I would dread not hearing from him for even a day. That time is over. Thankfully I can breath and sleep without a problem. I am sure he hates how I have changed but he should know that by now, I love myself enough to walk away, not bitter and broken, but happy and at peace!

To this man I once loved more than myself I say sorry. I am sorry for leaving you after I learned to live myself first and foremost. I am sorry that I am running so fast and it looks like I am leaving you behind- to the same place you were when I met you five years ago. That has always been my style, I am stuck so hard you would think i would never escape, but once I manage to free myself I never look back.

Therefore, after many runs of trial and error, I find myself free at last. I am free from the past me who would settle for crumbs of love when I deserved the whole box of cookies. I am free from my old version of me who would attract the same type of relationships which hurt me the same way my father has. That part of me who would get into relationships with men who reminded me of my father, so I would get triggered over and over again every time I couldn’t text someone or call them, or be acknowledged in public with them, is now dead. I buried her. End of the story!

Meditation of Love and Forgiveness-Ho’opnopono

I am Sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

Ho’opnopono

There is something in this world which responds beautifully to these four words: I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Speak them often to yourself and to absolutely anything else in your life, and watch as stuff start to change for the better. They say you need to at least do this meditation for 21 days to see the results. I am on day I don’t know but it has been several days now and I am already feeling much better overall.

This powerful meditation has an equally powerful story behind it. A psychiatrist used this healing meditation on a group of hopeless and dangerous lunatics with criminal records whom no doctor could treat and had been left in an abandoned ward and they all ended up fully healed and well. I must say, it was hard to believe at first, given that they are just simple words with no extraordinary meaning to them, however, I have come to realize that they could be life-changing if felt with the heart! They are capable of healing your unresolved traumas, your inner child, your stormy relationships and your negative thought patterns.

Love is healing and so is gratitude. That is why I think the two words, I love you and thank you in this meditation stand out to me the most. Interestingly, this world seems to have been built around a certain wavelength which reacts to any expression of gratitude. For example, if you were to say thank you everyday for everything you have, you would notice that everything else you wanted before keeps on coming to you effortlessly. The more gratitude you show, the more things keep showing up for you to be grateful for. It is a code which responds directly proportional to your level of gratitude.

The miracles this Ho’oponopono meditation could unravel are infinite. I believe only when you have used it to heal yourself and others with whom you have had a falling out, will you be able to see the benefits this meditation holds. Even then, you wouldn’t have seen everything it has to offer you unless you are willing to try it on absolutely anything and everything.

Talking of experimenting, I saw a video where a woman was saying these words to money she was holding in her hands. She spoke to the money as if it was alive and for once I think we could have the answer to solving all our world problems such as poverty, food insecurity, epidemics and wars. Imagine if the whole world were to practice this meditation with intention to alleviate all the disasters mankind has had to endure throughout generations! I believe the world would become heaven itself! Let’s Ho’oponopono our way into 2022, shall we?

Behind The Scenes of My Life

It is now week three and I have been struggling to get up and get going. I have to spend hours convincing myself to brush my teeth and take a shower. My day starts in the afternoon and that just means my eyes reluctantly open to another painfully passive half day, spent doing nothing aside from crying and struggling to accomplish simple tasks.

Eating is out of the question. I want to starve and I just don’t care for food. Well, my stomach disagrees and I am sure it dreads having to stay hungry all day when it knows food is only a few minutes walk away. It has come to terms with not eating breakfast…

Stomach( interrupting): Excuse me! Excuse me! I will take over from here on!(clears throat)So, where were we? Oh yes, breakfast, my God-given right, has been denied. Why you ask? Because sleeping beauty here refuses to wake up.If she ever does wake up at the earliest in these last three weeks, that would be a little after noon. Even then, she won’t care for a drink of water, let alone a meal. It is during these times, I try and send her signals to feed me. I try the oldest trick in the book: growling and pinching, hoping that would scare her to grab a banana.When this does not work, I try to call the Central Nervous System to complain and send help, by springing this human into action and go get me some food, but the line has not been working these past few weeks. It just does not go through. I wonder if something’s up, up there because normally, the CNS takes care of me every day and I don’t need to make any calls except for ramadhan, then I am reminded that I will be treated mighty well and compensated with delicious meals after sunset and I have been really happy with that arrangement. However, I could swear it is not ramadhan. I could swear that because I have been neglected way too much and sometimes I am given only a few bananas for the day and that’s it. That would never have happened during ramadhan. So no, it is not ramadhan. The CNS would have told me if it was. What is going on?CNS? Anyone?

Me(interrupting): Can I please finish what I was saying?

Stomach: Sure, but hurry up and EAT something soon, ANYTHING!

Me: Okay sure, of course. Just a few minutes.

Me: Did I mention it has been tough? Yeah. Terribly, numbingly and endlessly torturous. When will I feel normal again? Reality won’t wait forever. If I remember well, I have got oral exams coming soon, when was that? First of November? Or was it sometime later? In any case, reading any book right now would require a miracle; the sea-splitting- into-two type of miracle for Zeinab, not Israelis, to read atleast one book.

God in heaven, can’t I be a Moses? Or better yet David, so I can defeat this giant that is eating up the quality of my life?

A few minutes before now, I successfully managed to shower. While in the bathroom, contemplating my pathetic helplessness, I held the soap in my couldn’t-care-less right hand , and as I forced it to slide the soap over my I want-to-be-anywhere-else-but-here body, I found myself laughing at my sorry state of being. Even this simple and necessary act of basic hygiene, makes me uncaring and unfeeling. Hahahahaha! I chuckled bitterly as an idea came to my limp mind. I saw myself before I came to this world, negotiating with whoever it was, what hell I was going to pick to experience on earth. There were several choices displayed before me: cancer, physical disability, depression and the list went on and on and I picked depression with an added bonus of anxiety and a mood disorder. I must have also picked lovelessness, family dysfunction and secret child syndrome to complete the amazing ensemble! Wow! I am so lucky! Indeed.

Sarcasm aside, I believe there is a messed-up system in this world which makes me doubt it has our best interests at heart. We are practically handed stuff we never asked for and have to work hard throughout our life to get stuff we need to survive. I don’t think God did this. I imagine there was a group of somethings that hijacked the control room of the world stage. And I would not trust them with my cat’s dinner, let alone my life. No wonder every religion I am close to speaks of a better life, an eternal life far far faaaaaaaar away from this one. That is a relief, because this one!!No this shouldn’t, cannot, must not be it!

As long as I can remember, I have been fighting an elusive monster I don’t fully understand. On the best days, it makes me so happy I could burst with ecstacy and feelings of fulfillment and purpose but on the worst days, I struggle to get out of bed for the day. Well, I am telling this monster, right here, right now, I see you now. You cannot hide anymore!


Everything makes sense now. It is like that moment people finally realized the Earth was flat, despite having pulled off a mean joke to us all that it was round. Looks can be deceiving, and this analogy fits like a spandex on my painfully-bulging thighs of a life. I am not okay. And that’s okay.


I cannot describe what is wrong with me. I have no name for this monster that has dug its menacingly sharp claws into my life and that of my family, but I know it is there. I don’t need to wonder anymore. I don’t need to guess why I have a hard time sticking to a project to the end, or committing myself to school, or hanging out with friends or leading a normal healthy, social and adventurous life, or never being able to let go of past disappointments, or expecting the worst to happen always, never being able to maintain stable relationships and feelings, or being volatile, ever-changing, ever reinventing myself, ever wandering into and out of depression or never fully feeling safe and secure in my body. I know now. The monster won’t let me. That is why.


What do I call this monster? Why did it choose me? Why did it choose my family? How do I break free from it? How do I free my family from it? Is it a generational curse?If so, who cursed us? Is it the devil? Or was it just a random mean person? Is the monster a test from God? How can I reclaim my life? How can I heal myself and my family? How do we become happy and healthy? How can we lead a normal life?


I feel sorry for myself. I feel shortchanged by life. I was given the short end of the stick of life. Before I was even born, someone already decided I was not going to win. Someone had already set a horror stage which would characterize the tumultuous and defeating events of my life. I was going to have to fight through my life, with overwhelming odds put against this lonely, sad and old soul of a book worm, with only her faith in God( if he ever exists) as her armament. Her life, everyday, seemed like a scene from Squid Games, never knowing if she will fall or fly, in the next game and the next,of her life. Will luck be on her side?

Because Joel osteen advises me to speak victory over my life, I am going to say this to the monster who has been haunting me and my family for generations, and to every monster who is manifested in different ways as different storms in other people’s life across the world, God Is Still On the Throne!I will defeat you and reclaim my wholeness. In the refuge of my good God, my loyal God I will find healing, wholeness and the restoration of my health and wellbeing. By his might and the power which resides in his name the most high, you will release your grip from me and my family as well as all other families which you have entrapped in your hellish abode, and you will disintegrate and disappear as if you have never existed in our lives. Amin

Why Am I Unhappy? I Did Everything Right

I was told to study and study hard I did. Education will give you a job, then you will not need anyone,I was told. So I put my nose to the grindstone and worked my way through a gruesome 8,4,4 curriculum. Just like that, 16 good years of my life were gone. As if those were not enough, someone decided to add another several years of my golden life, because of all the careers in the world, God decided I should become a lawyer. (Was it God or my misguided unwise self back then? I don’t know. Sorry God)

I hardly remember the excruciating moments through nursery to University Graduation Day. I think that is mostly because our minds have a therapeutic way of making us forget our pain, if it proves to be too much for us to handle. Or, there are just too many distractions or demands for our time and attention throughout our life, that we hardly have time to recall what we ate yesterday, let alone what trauma we have been subjected to in our past. That must be it! We are just too busy doing the wrong things which hardly give us any joy! Think about it! If you cannot come forth and say it, I will: I am too unhappy and I cannot for the life of me understand why that is! I did everything right! I even walked the extra mile of picking one of those career paths that should guarantee prestige and success. Then why am I depressed? Where is the joy that was promised to all of us hard-working souls ? Where is the paradise?

I want to say someone must have lied to us! Education might be important but I am starting to think that an overzealous investment in a career path which empties the bank, your youth and your mental health and which gives very little in return, is not the right way to go! Absolutely not advisable! It does not pass the common sense test!

Not to come off as too negative. I am not trying to say we should not become professionals. Far from it! What I am saying is invest wisely. Spend your energy on something which brings you happiness. If something asks too much of you and you know you could do better pursuing something else, please listen to your heart.

Some people love food and dining but they end up becoming civil engineers, not chefs! Why? Some people love to write but you cannot see a single course in our Kenyan Universities that will guarantee you a career as a successful author. And what do such people do? We become the closest or farthest thing from what we love, lawyers or even doctors! Instead of waking up everyday excited about our next idea for our next book or to simply read the next best book, we have to attend thousands of hours of classes trying to teach us how to draft a freaking notice of motion with ridiculous affidavits. Don’t start me on civil and criminal procedure and the damn rules of hell. Where is the inspiration? What room is there for creativity and personal expression? Not every letter should have “the subject matter refers!” I find these formal letters boring and mediocre, to say the least. I never loved rules when it came to writing. They simply suffocate your creativity and are a sure fire way of chasing the writer out of you!

On a more positive note(trust me I am trying to smile), I realize it is not the end of the world. I also thankfully realize, that I have this wonderful platform to write and share my thoughts with my wonderful readers all across the universe.I did not throw away my passion for writing and even if it is tiny and cannot be compared to thousands of dollars invested on exhausting miserableness that is my career, I was able to invest a few dollars every year for this blog that is my breath of fresh air!

The message in this whole catastrophe is, please do something you love!

You Don’t Have To Fight Anymore

Dear all of you who have been in hell,

You don’t have to fight anymore!

You survived. You came through to the other side of hell. You no longer have to take a defensive stance anymore. You are safe.

I know the place you have come from. A place which made you suffocate. A toxic home environment. A narcissistic ex. A deal gone wrong. Cancer. Heartbreak and pain. That place made you scared. It is a dark place to be at. You held on with all your strength. And had to borrow some. You refused to give up. You wanted to so much, but you could not pack up and run. Because where else would you go? Who cared enough about what you had been through. All people saw was a wreck. All people heard in your cries was complaints. They would not understand. No they just don’t care. Because it is not happening to them. They will only care to judge, saying, ” Oh you have changed!”. How do they expect you to remain the same, when all that you went through alone took such a toll on your very essence as a soul. Don’t they remember the wars you had to fight alone? One against them all? How could they forget your dark nights of the soul? Those moments you wished you had died. But alive you still remained. How would they know? They would not understand. You gave your all in the fight. But the dark hole took just as much as well. It took your smile. Your free spirit. It stole your heart and turned it to bile. It made sure you would always stay afraid. Afraid of trusting in the world. Afraid of opening your heart. Your softness turned into aggression. Your warmth to ice. You built walls. As high up as the sky. Nobody could break through to reach your true self. You stayed alert. Always weary of others’ intentions. You don’t need to fight anymore. The worst is over.

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