Right or Wrong?

Dearest reader, as I was making breakfast earlier, I had an epiphany of sorts. And you know me, I had to turn that stove off and write. What else is new? So here goes…

There is no right or wrong way of doing life; There just is. I know as I say these words, I need to say them with much caution for fear of coming off righteous or pretentious. Just please keep in mind that as much as I teach you some of the things I suddenly seem to discover about life and the meaning of life, I am also teaching myself. What I tell you, I am consciously telling myself too.

So what does it mean when I say there is no right or wrong way to do life? Does it mean we are all right by the choices we make and how we live? Does it mean I am right, you are right and so is that criminal who just received a life sentence? Absolutely, yes! That is what I mean. We ARE ALL RIGHT; IN OUR OWN UNIQUE WAY. Yes! Even that criminal is right on the course of where their soul wants to learn in this life in order to evolve. I don’t suppose to know what the criminal’s purpose is but I bet their soul or higher self knows best. And I will go even further to say that therefore, nobody can be wrong for the level of soul development is different for each one of us. What may seem evil for me might be just another afternoon for a soul that is developing on a DIFFERENT plane than mine. I emphasize this word: different because we seem to seriously overlook this very important fact by creating standards and assuming everyone else who is not following them is wrong. There is no such thing as right or wrong. And because even as I say these words I am having a difficult time accepting them, the only one person who can see life and us in this way has to be God and Him alone!

Now I know I am walking on a suspended bridge here when I say nobody is wrong in God’s eyes, just so in our human eyes- which is you stretch this further you would come to the obvious conclusion that there cannot be hell or heaven for as long as there is a God who can see us and accept us all as right, regardless of our human and societal concepts of right and wrong. Now these words are powerful I know. They are like the tower in tarot which crumbles and is set ablaze. That is how much threat these words may have on religion and basically every law that is man-made. through the same lens I want you to imagine that your true north will always point to what brings you true happiness because that is what your soul needs in this life time. Perhaps your true north urges you to find meaning in God and the supernatural and you find yourself an atheist or a realist, you will only be happy if you change course- and you will because your soul will prompt, push and nudge you towards finding God and until you do you would have not otherwise lived your purpose in this life time.( Does it then mean that you will have to come back again! Or maybe, we just can’t escape our true north and will always choose it whether we want to or not?)

Even as I say these thought-provoking words, I realize I have a true north in Sagittarius and a destiny number 7 which can explain why I seek for meaning beyond the material and physical aspects of life. It can also explain why I seem to suddenly know these things which I teach you. Does this make any sense? I sure hope so!

So, in conclusion, while we may feel inclined to think and believe our personal journeys are superior to others’, I advise myself and all of you to eat some humble pie. Because the truth is, there is no superior or inferior, there just is what we need to be, at this point in time(of course and in our soul development process).

The Unconscious

My dearest readers, I am here again, well thanks to some Eureka moment which I found myself in from watching, “Devil in Ohio”. And no! This isn’t about the Devil. It is about me and my struggle to understand the effects my childhood trauma has had upon my life. While deliciously mysterious with a strong start to it, the limited series is more about our childhood traumas and how we cope as adults than anything else- atleast to me.

Somewhere in the series, Dr. Suzanne is taking the step we all must take at some point of our life, especially if we had had a less than favorable childhood- seeing a therapist. She finds herself seated before a brain-picking genius of a therapist who spoke to me just as much as she spoke to our Dr. In that scene, she tells her that the reason she wants to save everyone even when it is not convenient for herself or her family, is because she wasn’t saved as a child from an abusive stepfather and a complacent mother. She has three amazing daughters, the last of whom she adopted, if you didn’t count the newest member of her family, an abused run-away girl from a satanic occult group. Apparently, according to the therapist, our Dr. would have saved every lost and unloved child in the universe, if she could. In that moment, when the therapist looked into her eyes and said these simple albeit powerful words, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Dearest reader, I don’t know why exactly these words struck me so deeply. Could it be because, I, like Dr. Suzanne, feel compelled to save others who appear to be in need of saving? Could it perhaps have anything to do with why I am drawn to help little abandoned kittens who have nobody to help them? Is this also why I am scared of being abandoned myself by family and friends? Also, why I am afraid of venturing out into the scary world outside my comfort zone and safe space?

For this reason, and many others, I find myself afraid of anything new. I want to stay with what’s familiar as long as I can, maybe, forever. I don’t want to break free if it means having to leave my safe space and face the uncertainty of the world outside. Outside is not safe. That is what my mind tells me. Nothing is guaranteed I might regret my decision to leave home if things don’t work out wherever it is I would be. I feel like Rapunzel, except if she were offered a chance to flee, I would instead choose to stay in the familiar, safe prison.

A Chasing After the Wind

Dearest readers, what do you think is the purpose of life?

The question has been on my mind forever. I remember all the moments spent raking my brains for an answer to this deceptively simple but oh, colossal question. Do you ever lie down and look up at the serene night sky and wonder why we are alive? I have, more times than I can care to count. And every time, I feel like I couldn’t be further away from the truth.

In my foolish quest I searched for meaning behind existence. I looked to religions, tossing and turning between Allah and Jesus. I looked around for poems, or books, anything which would give me an answer but, nothing!

Sometimes, I walk on the beach early in the morning to try and feel something. Maybe, God will show himself in the sound of waves, or in the whispers of the sea breeze or perhaps, in the patterns of the sea shell which I found lying on the coast line. Nothing.

After sometime, I started to wonder whether the Teacher in Ecclesiastes was right after all, when he said, “Everything is Meaningless”. For even my quest to find life’s meaning, is meaningless-a chasing after the wind!

A Time For Everything

Dear Reader, I know I have been quiet, maybe, too quiet. But like everything else, my silence has a reason. You could say I have done the most healing and self-care in silence than any other time. Let me update you on what Has happened this past few weeks.

I have found Jesus in my struggles. Yes on several occasions I found myself calling him to come save me. And perhaps you could say he actually did, or IS doing right now. The universe in some mysterious way arranged for me to see a doctor for my mental health. He talks and I listen. I tell him about all the things I could only say on this blog before. Now, I see this as a huge step in my life since before now, I could only suffer alone, without anyone’s guidance or direction. And OH, HAVE I SUFFERED! You guys stand witness.

On the downside, seeing a doctor means that I am too sleepy to write. Sometimes I felt my mind numb and so I let it. These days, I am slowly finding my voice again. I hope this post is a testament to the fact that indeed nobody will help us if we don’t decide for ourselves to get the help we so desperately need and must have. I don’t know what the future holds but I am at peace with the fact that self-care and healing is finally a top priority in my life as of this moment. Like in the Bible, in Ecclesiastes 3 when it was said: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. Now is my time to heal!

Unnatural

Sometimes I like to do nothing. I know it feels unnatural because we must always be on the move, doing something, anything. Even that guy who posts about Steven, a seagull who got a devoted butler in him at least He IS making a difference in Steven’s life through the simple act of feeding him. So we are wired to do something at any one time. Not doing anything feels unnatural. And that is exactly what I am going to do, nothing!

This idea of doing nothing is powerful! Just imagine if all of us did nothing and just watched life unfold. No worries, no desires, just simple acceptance of this universal and perpetual condition called life. I am sure whoever is running the universe will notice if everyone just did nothing. I bet the whole world would just stop, “Walking dead style” maybe, I don’t know. But that is exactly what this world needs right now: To stop and rebirth itself even if it means we go back to the stone age. I know you may not agree with me but please hear me out.

I don’t totally oppose evolution I love it, I mean it enabled me to sit here and write so you could read my ideas and I would feel like I am contributing to the world, in my own little way and then I won’t have to hate my life so much. Anyway, as I was saying, growth, progress, evolution and revolutions, all these things are not necessarily awful, on the contrary, they have benefitted us and made us civilized beings until up to a point, when it turned us into zombies. Yes! Zombies who are neither dead nor alive.

I feel like a zombie most of the time. This whole world and everyone in it look like zombies to me, stuck in a forever loop of doing this and that and barely truly living. We move around, in the pretext of working hard to live a good life, but when you look at it, we end up exhausted and unhappy. We chase goals and lose out on precious time. We strive today for a better tomorrow which never seems to come. Ever elusive tomorrow is, he doesn’t want to be caught. So, we end up striving for something unattainable, leaving us too frustrated and tired to enjoy the ecstatic joy of doing none of that.

Today I found myself waking up with the most important thought in my mind being making breakfast for myself and my family. I found myself putting a lot of meaning into doing things around the house. And that is how I think most people live. They attach joys to doing and accomplishing tasks in and out of the house. Before they know it, years have passed by and they are still living their life around doing things. I wonder what would happen if we didn’t do anything at all. What would a day be like if we just sat down on a beach and taken in the view of the blanket of sea as far as the horizon? What would happen if we just took off our shoes and felt the wet velvety sand with our toes. What would happen if we were just blissfully mindful of the space we occupy and the air we breath? If we didn’t have to do anything or go anywhere? If we didn’t have to pick a phone call or make one? If we didn’t have people waiting on us? If we didn’t have a 9-5 job which we hate but we can’t avoid? What would happen if we just lived?

I didn’t Pay for My Sleep This Week

It is 4 in the morning and I tried very hard to get an hour of sleep. In fact, this whole week I have struggled with getting any sleep but instead found myself watching Netflix or stuck in the dimension of You Tube Shorts for hours on end. Oh yes! This feels familiar: it is time for another one of my depressive episodes. How long is this gonna last? God knows, or the devil, Idk!

Looks like I didn’t pay for my sleep this past two weeks. OMG, it has already been that long. The thing about depression is that you can easily lose track of time, or your life! How else would you not if you slept only when it was day time and stayed up like the vampire that you are all through the night? Unless the whole world starts shifting working hours to after dusk and schools open at night time, life will pass you by whilst in this state. I just hope God will fight for me and with me this time. I hope whatever this is, God will stand by me and see me through. I let God do what only he can do!

What The FluFF

I told myself I wasn’t gonna do what everyone was doing. I said I would take time out and rest. If only the world listened, if only it would stop and give me a break. It did just the opposite.

After my bar exams, I went home. Cautiously optimistic that I would get some rest. But ever so evasive rest was I found very little of it. I was caught between cooking this and that and serving three meals a day. It felt as though my entire day was predictable: wake up, cook, think about what to cook next and clean. The utensils glared at me every evening and I dreaded the very innocent act of eating. For it meant cleaning was right after. I cannot rest here. As if I hadn’t had enough, I had my younger sister stay with me which meant I had to wake up at the crack of dawn, iron her uniform, make her early bird’s breakfast and see her off to school only for her to return what appeared to be minutes later for lunch which has to be ready or she complains she was going to be late. This had me on my toes every single day. I felt like the whole world wanted something from me. I felt like there was no air to breath. I wanted to vanish into nothingness.

I have but two things which I suspect are the reason I hate my life right now: One, is my fear of loneliness which causes me to choose to be around just about anyone so I could avoid being alone because it is dreadful. Secondly, I know in my heart that I am not happy with where I am and what I have been investing my energy and time into and I just don’t know how to start over. How do you stop the clock from running? How do I sign away having to do pupillage when I have to because I pretty much feel tired and out of sorts? Everyone seems to be doing just fine and half if not all my classmates have begun their pupillage and I am feeling the pressure to start somewhere, anywhere. Except my body and mind feel like taking another month or two off, resting on an island in the middle of nowhere without people or phone reception and just LIVE. You know, that thing which nobody seems to be doing anymore and they seemingly don’t care. I want to scream into the matrix and tell whoever is forcing everyone to be on the go all the time to just leave me alone! Why must I always have to DO something, Go somewhere, WORK HARD? Why can’t I just breath and live normally like we were supposed to?

Is the fear of not having money perhaps the cause of all my problems? Is not having a source of income if I don’t work myself to death the reason why I am not living? Could I really live and not have anything to eat, or no water to drink? Is life all about eating and drinking? If that is the case, then it is not worth it and being alive is a mean, sick joke!

Dear reader, I have always believed that there was an easier way to live this rather chaotic life which is to live it first and foremost, meaning that we need to be PRESENT in every moment and enjoy everything, including breathing and feeling being in our bodies. That also includes letting go of fear of failure or lack and embracing life as it is without seeking anything more than what naturally comes our way. Whatever comes ,comes, whatever goes, goes. Naturally, the force that put us here takes care of us and provides for us. Don’t ask me how for I am yet to figure this one out. But just know that we are not alone at least I wouldn’t like to think we are because then we want to enact Spartacus in real life and everyone is out for themselves and we can’t afford to take a day off from work because we will be hungry and it is do or die. That endless run on the hamster wheel needs to stop, at least for me and my life. I must stop it so I can breath and start living again! I don’t want to have to keep going when I feel so worn out and tired of everything! I want to rest and to live.

Our Comfort Zone

It is hard to step out into the wild. Cats will tell you how cold or hot outside is. They absolutely love and enjoy the attention and home we provide. Outside is tough. Everyone knows that. Even Will Smith.

However, what if I told you, everything you desire is found outside your comfort zone. The freedom, the adventure, the love of your life, the achievement and success you so very much desire. All of these things and more demand of us to let go and step out of what we have already known and grown comfortable around. Think about it. Had you been happy and fulfilled where you are you wouldn’t have these dreams about a better life and a happier lifestyle. Trying to cling onto your space or your habits because you fear the unknown is only going to make you stuck and reduce your options.

I lived like this for a while, refusing to face anything new or uncertain. I believed the world outside to be unsafe and anything new was scary. Especially if it was something which required me to move from my own space and venture into the new and the unknown. I held on to the life I had known for dear life. What is interesting to note is that I was so miserable in that version of life. I was unfulfilled and stressed. I would be sad and go into depression which lasted for weeks if not months. I would feel stifled by the stagnation and the lack of new prospects. But still the fear of leaving that familiar hell was daunting. At that point I should have known that anywhere else would be better than where I was at the time. Only after I had made the brave choice to step out of there did I realize how miserable I had been. I wish I had left earlier.

The universe will push you out of your comfort zone if you refuse to step out voluntarily. I believe life doesn’t want us to stagnate. We must keep moving and growing by challenging ourselves this way and that until we shed what no longer serves us and realize our full potential. One such instance which happened to me was when the place I used to work at turned so toxic that I was dying. That is when I knew staying there wasn’t an option any longer. I had to move on. Prior to that, I had found joy and excitement in the work I was doing and the new stuff I was learning but once that place served its purpose in my life, once the people there had served their purpose in my life, it was time to face bigger challenges and grow in bigger ways elsewhere.

For this reason, I find that nobody should hold onto anything for long. We should learn to read the sign when the time is up and move along with the flow of life. Resisting change will only cause us pain and undue suffering. Life is constant motion and we are part of that movement.

It is Never that serious

Life is never that serious and it would do us a lot of good to remember that. Here is why I think so:

If life was serious enough, it would be permanent, just so we can know that everything we have worked hard for will last forever. But it is not. In fact, if it is not worse, we could cease to be alive any time of the day, anywhere in the world and in the most unexpected ways. For example, I knew someone who was so happy to be alive, the life of the party, abundant, and boastful about her travels and adventures, only for her to die in the most horrific way possible-with her head severed from the rest of her body in a dreadful accident. Did she see it coming? I doubt that. Will we see our end coming? No, because nobody receives a warning when our time is up. It just is when it is.

I think taking life seriously is detrimental to our health and wellbeing. Life wasn’t meant to be taken seriously. It was meant to be enjoyed without plans for the future or regrets about our past. In fact, I find that whenever anyone worries about saving for the future or planning for it, they lose out on the precious present moment.

I tested this theory on an ant that was walking about on my desk as I watched it curiously. I wondered where the ant was going and what it was thinking as it went round and round on the desk. Is it possible that it smelled the biscuits I was eating. I took tiny crumbs and sprinkled them on the desk to see if it would be guided by its senses to find them and sure it did. What struck me perhaps, was what happened soon thereafter. Once the ant had found some of the crumbs, it picked just one and went off to somewhere-perhaps, to call its friends over to the treasure it had found. I waited excitedly, as several more ants arrived all excited to see the crumbs. One ant in particular made me smile as it chose the biggest of them all, four times its size and struggled to pull it on one of its ends towards itself in tiny determined steps. Soon after, another ant joined in to help it carry the oversized mountainous crumb to God knows where. My question was, Why are they not eating them right there and then if they were hungry? Had it been me, I would eat to my fill first and foremost, then think about carrying some back to wherever it was they were intent on going.

A careful study of the other ants which were now gathered at the crumbs revealed some insightful wisdom. Some ants picked whatever they found first and went on their merry way, thankful for the blessing. Others picked one then another and another, and had they met with some more on their way out they probably would have picked that too. I laughed because that reminded me of us humans, we cannot have enough and it helped to know that greed is a natural instinct and not just a sign of our descent to a life of discontent.

Remember, the ant that carried the biggest crumb four times its size, well, I was astonished to find that even in the ants kingdom, ambition is ever present. That tiny little creature took on a challenge bigger than itself and didn’t get scared or worried that it couldn’t handle it. Same way, as humans we should dare to take on challenges with as much bravery as that little guy.

I wanted so very much to test the theory about living in the present moment and how that can determine whether or not we enjoy the opportunities which come in the here and now or we miss them because we are worried about tomorrow, or saving for a rainy day. I gave the ants a few more seconds before I removed the crumbs. Eventually, I was going to have to remove them anyway, because I use the desk all the time to write and read and I couldn’t have all the ants in the world show up on my desk. A few seconds after, I realized that more ants had now come, to get the crumbs which were no longer there. Some of the ants were the same ones which had seen the crumbs but didn’t eat them because either, they were thinking of saving them or going some where to get reinforcements. Either way, they missed their chance. The lesson here is that we should live in the present moment and relish in what it offers instead of worrying about tomorrow or later because later is not ours. Today, right here right now is all we have. We could be throwing our chance away by thinking or hesitating, both costing us our present and most likely our future, for how could you have a better future without a well-lived present moment?

I wish to let everyone out there know that life is not as serious as we give it credit for. Life offers us only one promise and guarantee, which is our present moment. It is up to us how we choose to live in it. It does not promise us tomorrow because it has its own events. If we live like this, a day at a time, I am sure we will live happier and more fulfilled.

My Maker

There is some part of us that always wants to worry. It is a nasty default setting that centuries of survival have put in us. Somehow we decided that things cannot happen just naturally without our control or actions, but that is hardly the truth. The truth is that if we are honest about our life and how far we have come, most of the things which happened in our favor had nothing to do with our input or direction. Mostly because we didn’t even anticipate or foresee them, they just happened.

Why is it then so hard for us to trust in this same flow of our life, this invisible force which ensures all we need is effortlessly made available to us through unexpected means?

Take for example children, we all were helpless once and we could have died of starvation or exposure but somehow we didn’t. It wasn’t because we got jobs when we were two years old and paid rent and strived to afford milk and baby food to survive, but regardless, we survived. So, my question is who was it that provided for us then, and how is it possible that they would stop caring for us now? You can’t tell me it was parents by virtue that they were parents, because I have heard of several parents who would up and leave their children to starve or throw them in a trash bin, or torture and kill them. So, no it had to be someone else. This person put love in our parents, and if they didn’t love us enough to care, he inspired someone else to be there for us. This person couldn’t leave us then, therefore, he can’t leave us now or never will. Can we learn to trust in this invisible force which loves us and takes care of our needs? Can we surrender to this force and let go of control? Can we release our worries and fears about tomorrow, what we will eat or drink?

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