I didn’t Pay for My Sleep This Week

It is 4 in the morning and I tried very hard to get an hour of sleep. In fact, this whole week I have struggled with getting any sleep but instead found myself watching Netflix or stuck in the dimension of You Tube Shorts for hours on end. Oh yes! This feels familiar: it is time for another one of my depressive episodes. How long is this gonna last? God knows, or the devil, Idk!

Looks like I didn’t pay for my sleep this past two weeks. OMG, it has already been that long. The thing about depression is that you can easily lose track of time, or your life! How else would you not if you slept only when it was day time and stayed up like the vampire that you are all through the night? Unless the whole world starts shifting working hours to after dusk and schools open at night time, life will pass you by whilst in this state. I just hope God will fight for me and with me this time. I hope whatever this is, God will stand by me and see me through. I let God do what only he can do!

What The FluFF

I told myself I wasn’t gonna do what everyone was doing. I said I would take time out and rest. If only the world listened, if only it would stop and give me a break. It did just the opposite.

After my bar exams, I went home. Cautiously optimistic that I would get some rest. But ever so evasive rest was I found very little of it. I was caught between cooking this and that and serving three meals a day. It felt as though my entire day was predictable: wake up, cook, think about what to cook next and clean. The utensils glared at me every evening and I dreaded the very innocent act of eating. For it meant cleaning was right after. I cannot rest here. As if I hadn’t had enough, I had my younger sister stay with me which meant I had to wake up at the crack of dawn, iron her uniform, make her early bird’s breakfast and see her off to school only for her to return what appeared to be minutes later for lunch which has to be ready or she complains she was going to be late. This had me on my toes every single day. I felt like the whole world wanted something from me. I felt like there was no air to breath. I wanted to vanish into nothingness.

I have but two things which I suspect are the reason I hate my life right now: One, is my fear of loneliness which causes me to choose to be around just about anyone so I could avoid being alone because it is dreadful. Secondly, I know in my heart that I am not happy with where I am and what I have been investing my energy and time into and I just don’t know how to start over. How do you stop the clock from running? How do I sign away having to do pupillage when I have to because I pretty much feel tired and out of sorts? Everyone seems to be doing just fine and half if not all my classmates have begun their pupillage and I am feeling the pressure to start somewhere, anywhere. Except my body and mind feel like taking another month or two off, resting on an island in the middle of nowhere without people or phone reception and just LIVE. You know, that thing which nobody seems to be doing anymore and they seemingly don’t care. I want to scream into the matrix and tell whoever is forcing everyone to be on the go all the time to just leave me alone! Why must I always have to DO something, Go somewhere, WORK HARD? Why can’t I just breath and live normally like we were supposed to?

Is the fear of not having money perhaps the cause of all my problems? Is not having a source of income if I don’t work myself to death the reason why I am not living? Could I really live and not have anything to eat, or no water to drink? Is life all about eating and drinking? If that is the case, then it is not worth it and being alive is a mean, sick joke!

Dear reader, I have always believed that there was an easier way to live this rather chaotic life which is to live it first and foremost, meaning that we need to be PRESENT in every moment and enjoy everything, including breathing and feeling being in our bodies. That also includes letting go of fear of failure or lack and embracing life as it is without seeking anything more than what naturally comes our way. Whatever comes ,comes, whatever goes, goes. Naturally, the force that put us here takes care of us and provides for us. Don’t ask me how for I am yet to figure this one out. But just know that we are not alone at least I wouldn’t like to think we are because then we want to enact Spartacus in real life and everyone is out for themselves and we can’t afford to take a day off from work because we will be hungry and it is do or die. That endless run on the hamster wheel needs to stop, at least for me and my life. I must stop it so I can breath and start living again! I don’t want to have to keep going when I feel so worn out and tired of everything! I want to rest and to live.

Our Comfort Zone

It is hard to step out into the wild. Cats will tell you how cold or hot outside is. They absolutely love and enjoy the attention and home we provide. Outside is tough. Everyone knows that. Even Will Smith.

However, what if I told you, everything you desire is found outside your comfort zone. The freedom, the adventure, the love of your life, the achievement and success you so very much desire. All of these things and more demand of us to let go and step out of what we have already known and grown comfortable around. Think about it. Had you been happy and fulfilled where you are you wouldn’t have these dreams about a better life and a happier lifestyle. Trying to cling onto your space or your habits because you fear the unknown is only going to make you stuck and reduce your options.

I lived like this for a while, refusing to face anything new or uncertain. I believed the world outside to be unsafe and anything new was scary. Especially if it was something which required me to move from my own space and venture into the new and the unknown. I held on to the life I had known for dear life. What is interesting to note is that I was so miserable in that version of life. I was unfulfilled and stressed. I would be sad and go into depression which lasted for weeks if not months. I would feel stifled by the stagnation and the lack of new prospects. But still the fear of leaving that familiar hell was daunting. At that point I should have known that anywhere else would be better than where I was at the time. Only after I had made the brave choice to step out of there did I realize how miserable I had been. I wish I had left earlier.

The universe will push you out of your comfort zone if you refuse to step out voluntarily. I believe life doesn’t want us to stagnate. We must keep moving and growing by challenging ourselves this way and that until we shed what no longer serves us and realize our full potential. One such instance which happened to me was when the place I used to work at turned so toxic that I was dying. That is when I knew staying there wasn’t an option any longer. I had to move on. Prior to that, I had found joy and excitement in the work I was doing and the new stuff I was learning but once that place served its purpose in my life, once the people there had served their purpose in my life, it was time to face bigger challenges and grow in bigger ways elsewhere.

For this reason, I find that nobody should hold onto anything for long. We should learn to read the sign when the time is up and move along with the flow of life. Resisting change will only cause us pain and undue suffering. Life is constant motion and we are part of that movement.

It is Never that serious

Life is never that serious and it would do us a lot of good to remember that. Here is why I think so:

If life was serious enough, it would be permanent, just so we can know that everything we have worked hard for will last forever. But it is not. In fact, if it is not worse, we could cease to be alive any time of the day, anywhere in the world and in the most unexpected ways. For example, I knew someone who was so happy to be alive, the life of the party, abundant, and boastful about her travels and adventures, only for her to die in the most horrific way possible-with her head severed from the rest of her body in a dreadful accident. Did she see it coming? I doubt that. Will we see our end coming? No, because nobody receives a warning when our time is up. It just is when it is.

I think taking life seriously is detrimental to our health and wellbeing. Life wasn’t meant to be taken seriously. It was meant to be enjoyed without plans for the future or regrets about our past. In fact, I find that whenever anyone worries about saving for the future or planning for it, they lose out on the precious present moment.

I tested this theory on an ant that was walking about on my desk as I watched it curiously. I wondered where the ant was going and what it was thinking as it went round and round on the desk. Is it possible that it smelled the biscuits I was eating. I took tiny crumbs and sprinkled them on the desk to see if it would be guided by its senses to find them and sure it did. What struck me perhaps, was what happened soon thereafter. Once the ant had found some of the crumbs, it picked just one and went off to somewhere-perhaps, to call its friends over to the treasure it had found. I waited excitedly, as several more ants arrived all excited to see the crumbs. One ant in particular made me smile as it chose the biggest of them all, four times its size and struggled to pull it on one of its ends towards itself in tiny determined steps. Soon after, another ant joined in to help it carry the oversized mountainous crumb to God knows where. My question was, Why are they not eating them right there and then if they were hungry? Had it been me, I would eat to my fill first and foremost, then think about carrying some back to wherever it was they were intent on going.

A careful study of the other ants which were now gathered at the crumbs revealed some insightful wisdom. Some ants picked whatever they found first and went on their merry way, thankful for the blessing. Others picked one then another and another, and had they met with some more on their way out they probably would have picked that too. I laughed because that reminded me of us humans, we cannot have enough and it helped to know that greed is a natural instinct and not just a sign of our descent to a life of discontent.

Remember, the ant that carried the biggest crumb four times its size, well, I was astonished to find that even in the ants kingdom, ambition is ever present. That tiny little creature took on a challenge bigger than itself and didn’t get scared or worried that it couldn’t handle it. Same way, as humans we should dare to take on challenges with as much bravery as that little guy.

I wanted so very much to test the theory about living in the present moment and how that can determine whether or not we enjoy the opportunities which come in the here and now or we miss them because we are worried about tomorrow, or saving for a rainy day. I gave the ants a few more seconds before I removed the crumbs. Eventually, I was going to have to remove them anyway, because I use the desk all the time to write and read and I couldn’t have all the ants in the world show up on my desk. A few seconds after, I realized that more ants had now come, to get the crumbs which were no longer there. Some of the ants were the same ones which had seen the crumbs but didn’t eat them because either, they were thinking of saving them or going some where to get reinforcements. Either way, they missed their chance. The lesson here is that we should live in the present moment and relish in what it offers instead of worrying about tomorrow or later because later is not ours. Today, right here right now is all we have. We could be throwing our chance away by thinking or hesitating, both costing us our present and most likely our future, for how could you have a better future without a well-lived present moment?

I wish to let everyone out there know that life is not as serious as we give it credit for. Life offers us only one promise and guarantee, which is our present moment. It is up to us how we choose to live in it. It does not promise us tomorrow because it has its own events. If we live like this, a day at a time, I am sure we will live happier and more fulfilled.

My Maker

There is some part of us that always wants to worry. It is a nasty default setting that centuries of survival have put in us. Somehow we decided that things cannot happen just naturally without our control or actions, but that is hardly the truth. The truth is that if we are honest about our life and how far we have come, most of the things which happened in our favor had nothing to do with our input or direction. Mostly because we didn’t even anticipate or foresee them, they just happened.

Why is it then so hard for us to trust in this same flow of our life, this invisible force which ensures all we need is effortlessly made available to us through unexpected means?

Take for example children, we all were helpless once and we could have died of starvation or exposure but somehow we didn’t. It wasn’t because we got jobs when we were two years old and paid rent and strived to afford milk and baby food to survive, but regardless, we survived. So, my question is who was it that provided for us then, and how is it possible that they would stop caring for us now? You can’t tell me it was parents by virtue that they were parents, because I have heard of several parents who would up and leave their children to starve or throw them in a trash bin, or torture and kill them. So, no it had to be someone else. This person put love in our parents, and if they didn’t love us enough to care, he inspired someone else to be there for us. This person couldn’t leave us then, therefore, he can’t leave us now or never will. Can we learn to trust in this invisible force which loves us and takes care of our needs? Can we surrender to this force and let go of control? Can we release our worries and fears about tomorrow, what we will eat or drink?

Would You have agreed to come Had you known…

Would you have agreed to come live the life you have been living had you known before hand how it was going to be?

I don’t feel like I should add anything more to the earth-shuttering, enlightening and eye-opening question above. It is the most powerful question you could ask yourself. Would you have come had you known the kind of hardships and trials you would face?Do you think you could come back and relive the same hell over again without hesitation?

Sometimes, I question the point of life. Why are we here in the first place if we just struggle, grow old and die? Then there is the question we have all been wondering, where do good people go when they die? You know, the ministers and the authors of self-help books and mentors who dedicated their entire lives to teach, guide and help us live better lives. Bob Proctor, who couldn’t have hurt a fly left. Dr. Wayne Dyer who swore there is meaning and purpose to our life, left. All these amazing gurus who you would think God or the universe would keep them longer than the serial rapist who is paying time, or that murderess who is convicted for drowning her own toddlers for obvious reasons: we need more people like Bob and Wayne and less like Elize Matsunaga or Westerfield. But no, they are very much alive and breathing through their nostrils very much the same as they had when they were born. It is for this very reason that I find myself wondering whether this place we know as Earth is actually where good people are sent and are supposed to stay long at. On a deeper note, I am having a hard time believing that I don’t deserve to be in this hell if that is what this is, where bad people are sent to be tested and tried and cleansed from their evilness through pain and suffering, disease and dread, because I think I just massacred a whole community of ants who were in the rice cooker by turning it on. Does this mean, every time I wipe the ants away with a mop, because they are overtaking the little space I have and being a nuisance, that I am one of the hell dwellers and that’s why I am stuck here, suffering with the rest of you?( I mean no offense)

Apart from gurus taking the fastest train outta this place, think about the wars, pandemic, violence and mass confusion presently coloring the world today. Now ask yourself, if this place really was it, you know that destination we all want and the nirvana our hearts seek, would such awful stuff exist? Even more interesting is the fact that nobody can claim they came to this place without having suffered in some form or another. Now which place is described in religions as painful, dark, confusing, hot and full of suffering if not hell? What if I suppose that hell is right here- just masterfully disguised by someone who loves dark humor? What if all the gurus and Jesus and Mohammed all came here from a higher place to help hell dwellers on their path to restoration and redemption? What if all these good people who leave early have successfully completed their mission and have now departed this horrid,dying place never to return?

The dense dimension

If you try to pray, you will notice it takes time to manifest your prayers in this 3 dimensional realm. Why do you think that is? I have a theory: I think it is because we are somewhere dense and heavy, possibly under ground, cast away in such manner that it would take a serious effort on anyone of us to raise our vibration to such heights that would match even a little bit, the superior vibration of what we desire- peace, prosperity and happiness- all feelings characterized by heavenly energies of purity, love and light- which obviously are harder and harder to come by in this realm which is immersed in suffering, wars, disease and depression. There is a stark mismatch between these two levels of energy which cannot go unnoticed. It is as if you are stuck in a dark hole 7000 feet deep and are asking if you could have a walk on the beach, or you’re a plankton fifty thousand kilometres deep in the Atlantic ocean and have been all your life, and you pray every day to know what it feels like to ride a plane. How could that be possible? You get what I am trying to say? When I pray for something that never comes, I feel like that plankton and for good reason because that is how far under it feels like we are from heaven.

What I would give to ask the late John Osteen, Dr. Wayne and all others one question: “Where are you now? And is where you are better than here? And if that is the case, then where is here and what did we do to deserve to be sent to this place?”

Que Sera Sera

Today, right here, I will take an oath that I swear not to get worried about when and how something I want will happen. I swear that as long as I shall live, I shall focus on the present moment only and stop worrying about my future. I wish to just live in the here and now without a care in the world!

The happiest people on earth must be those who live each day at a time. Imagine how freeing it would be if we all just didn’t give a dime about tomorrow. Had we all been content with our todays and paused to enjoy them mindfully, I believe anxiety and depression would not exist.

However, so many of us have forgotten how to live in the present moment and instead ruin it by spending today worrying about tomorrow. On the other hand, if we spent so much time and energy worried, you would think that would change what was already meant to happen in our future but that is rarely the case. Seeing the state of unpredictable wars, pandemics and god knows what else happening all around the world, I am convinced that no amount of worrying or foresight would have prepared us for what was already destined to happen. The future is out of our hands and there is nothing we could do to change that fact! It would serve us well to know that as much as we plan and go about our lives as if everything is going to happen according to our wishes and desires so long as we put in the necessary effort and work hard because nothing is free, most of what is waiting for us is mostly unexpected and a surprise-good or bad will depend on how hard you prayed and whether or not God likes you(I am just joking with this one).

Prayer

They say if you pray hard enough, even if it takes ten years, you will get what you prayed for. However, nobody said how we were going to survive those years we spend waiting. In the same way, nobody said how we were supposed to bear seeing everyone around us receive quite so easily what would be the things we need most in life more than anyone else. It is frustrating to pray and not see anything change. It is even more depressing to wait on the Lord when you know he is an abundant God who, if he wills can make anything happen before we even have time to blink. In order to feel better we tell ourselves how God is protecting us from what we want that is why we don’t get it, but if he is the Omniscient and Omnipotent Almighty God, I am sure he could just as easily replace what was bad with better and give us that in the same amount of time it would take him to bring the sunrise tomorrow morning! So, the question is, why is God so slow in answering the prayers of his humans who need him the most? I don’t know but what I know is this: That no amount of relentless praying would ever change what God has decided. If it is just not the time for me and you to get married to our dream spouses and live in our dream homes, it is just not yet our time. Simple!

Way forward

Now that we have established the fact that it does not matter the amount of prayers you send up to the sky, what matters is whether your time to receive and enjoy what you desire has come or not, there is no reason to remain frustrated or worried because we don’t yet have what we want(or in extreme situations, what we absolutely must get to survive in which case we are screwed). Worrying will not speed up our timeline nor is it of any help to feel jealous over other people’s blessings which they seem to get without wanting or needing them. And Bam! Perhaps I have answered my own question. The very fact that we obsess over the stuff we want could be working against us by making those things take even longer to come. Maybe if we just let them go and said, “fluff off I don’t need you,” they will magically start chasing after us(I mean, it works with men).

Detachment from attachment

“Pray about it and let it go.” I must have heard this statement a thousand times. In retrospect, I must also have written a post before about why we shouldn’t pray for what we want. I thought I was wrong because praying is good and it never hurt anyone to ask God for a favor or two. Can it be perhaps, God does not want to be pestered about what we want all the time and instead he would much rather if we simply had faith that he already knew our desires and has been preparing them for us or rather, us for them.

It is crazy that God should take too long to create anything anyone wants no matter how big and impossible it seems, when he created the whole world and everything we know from nothing in just 6 days! I mean what I want is dust compared to the whole universe/s.

Therefore, I can’t help but feel, like it is all about when the time is right in God’s eyes and not our own. When he deems it is the right time for us to get married, so what if we are sixty? As long as in his eyes that is the right time, then so be it! Remember guys, we didn’t even get consulted about coming here to join this freak show we call life in the first place, so why would anyone ask us how we wish to live it? It seems a bit presumptuous of everyone to think they could live life on their terms when they couldn’t stop growing old and dying even if they worked hard all their life to avoid it. This life is like that gift you can’t return, because it would be impolite to do so and you can’t fully call your own either, because the person who gifted it to you wants you to use it based on their own terms and conditions. My advice: let us just enjoy whatever we get offered in life and call it a day, shall we? One day we will all die and what is eating our heads right now won’t even matter when we kick that dreaded bucket. Why bother? Let’s just live, que sera sera!

Do What You Love and The World Will Be Yours

Everyone has that one question about life? Should I leave my job which does not fulfill me but which pays my bills, for the sake of pursuing something I am passionate about? Ever had that thought?

The whole world is on survival mode. Right now, millions of people have been laid off work all over the world because of the pandemic. Yet, I am here contemplating whether I am happy at my current job or not? I know it sounds unfair, I should be grateful to have any form of employment,but please hear me out…

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