I Followed My Intuition and it led me to…

After a serious bowling with tears, snort and all I felt a strange wave of silence. The light bugs knocking against the fluorescent light in my bedroom suddenly stopped. It was as if I had finally caught the universe or God’s attention. I was in pain, misery doesn’t even begin to describe the state of shambles I was in at the time. I wanted it to end: the timeline of hell I had been stuck inside of, the cycle of anxiety that went on and on, endlessly torturing me and my heart, or whatever remains of it, which is ready to rewind the day I was born and erase it from the record of life. I was unhappy in every sense of the word and in every synonym and vocabulary ever invented to describe being in that hellish state.

I had given up hope on my vocation, because it didn’t bring me joy. I tried my best to hold back the time I would have to return to it but that time was cut short. What happened? Just when I was trying to manifest a fresh start which would guarantee a peaceful existence writing, reading and painting and having nothing to do with the crippling anxiety of the lackluster rigidity we call the law profession, I received a call for an interview for pupillage. I am sure most people would be happy to ever be shortlisted but in my case, I was having a serious case of heart palpitations. It was downhill from there. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t hear people talking and I dreaded ever having picked that call in the first place. Esther Hicks once said, you knew it wasn’t the right path for you by how it made you feel. So far, everything to do with law just never felt right. I recall the many times I broke down depressed or went into undergraduate exams completely blank. In addition, even after many years have passed, I still couldn’t learn to love it. And that says a lot!(I am naturally bubbling with love which could fill the whole world and then a planet)

I had to travel the very next day since the interview was going to be just a day away, a fact that lit my chest with even more fire that had every intention of exploding. I felt my new-found painting days dissolving into thin air and my new found sense of freedom and peace floating away to become clouds which looked like faces of people smirking as if to mock me, ” You think you could get away so easy?”.

I wanted my freedom, I tricked myself into thinking I had found it at last forgetting that as long as you are a lawyer, freedom only exists as measly statements on those rare occasions in your copy-pasted pleadings as you try to claim the right to liberty which is a joke in itself: The whole world is a prison where people dream of one thing and then end up paying hundreds of thousands to learn the exact opposite of what they love and because they have invested all that money and time getting depressed and unhappy, they get stuck because now they must take it upon yourself to suffer even more doing what they hate just so they could pay rent, eat and survive.

Anyway back to the topic, as the flight took off I felt even more uneasy as I thought of why I was still doing this even when every fiber of my being screamed, ” No! Free Yourself!”. I took a copy of the Quran in hopes of silencing that voice that has now been drilling holes into my brain trying to wake it up. I prayed and read the words of God hoping God in his own handwriting would write , “Go home my daughter! Fluff the interview. I set you free!” on the fluffy blanket of clouds which were now engulfing us. But he didn’t. I felt torn between going and suddenly not and I know it might sound funny because I was already in the air flying. But as God would have it, there was a stop of a few minutes midway and that is when my heart just couldn’t take it anymore. It actually came out of my chest, blood and all, and talked to me with a mouth in its face.(Yes, hearts do have mouths like us and can talk to us in those rare moments when we refuse to listen to its polite nudgings) It said to my face as I watched in horror, “Fluffing get up and get off this flight deafnuts!” And I found myself on my feet in a second and asking the attendants if they could allow people to alight midway. When they said yes I couldn’t believe my ears! I found my mouth against the better judgment of my brain, smiling from ear to ear and the following words came out of my mouth, “I am following my intuition. This is gonna be exciting!” And before long, I was collecting my bags and walking into a town with no idea where I would go or what I would do except that it felt right. This place felt right!

Would You have agreed to come Had you known…

Would you have agreed to come live the life you have been living had you known before hand how it was going to be?

I don’t feel like I should add anything more to the earth-shuttering, enlightening and eye-opening question above. It is the most powerful question you could ask yourself. Would you have come had you known the kind of hardships and trials you would face?Do you think you could come back and relive the same hell over again without hesitation?

Sometimes, I question the point of life. Why are we here in the first place if we just struggle, grow old and die? Then there is the question we have all been wondering, where do good people go when they die? You know, the ministers and the authors of self-help books and mentors who dedicated their entire lives to teach, guide and help us live better lives. Bob Proctor, who couldn’t have hurt a fly left. Dr. Wayne Dyer who swore there is meaning and purpose to our life, left. All these amazing gurus who you would think God or the universe would keep them longer than the serial rapist who is paying time, or that murderess who is convicted for drowning her own toddlers for obvious reasons: we need more people like Bob and Wayne and less like Elize Matsunaga or Westerfield. But no, they are very much alive and breathing through their nostrils very much the same as they had when they were born. It is for this very reason that I find myself wondering whether this place we know as Earth is actually where good people are sent and are supposed to stay long at. On a deeper note, I am having a hard time believing that I don’t deserve to be in this hell if that is what this is, where bad people are sent to be tested and tried and cleansed from their evilness through pain and suffering, disease and dread, because I think I just massacred a whole community of ants who were in the rice cooker by turning it on. Does this mean, every time I wipe the ants away with a mop, because they are overtaking the little space I have and being a nuisance, that I am one of the hell dwellers and that’s why I am stuck here, suffering with the rest of you?( I mean no offense)

Apart from gurus taking the fastest train outta this place, think about the wars, pandemic, violence and mass confusion presently coloring the world today. Now ask yourself, if this place really was it, you know that destination we all want and the nirvana our hearts seek, would such awful stuff exist? Even more interesting is the fact that nobody can claim they came to this place without having suffered in some form or another. Now which place is described in religions as painful, dark, confusing, hot and full of suffering if not hell? What if I suppose that hell is right here- just masterfully disguised by someone who loves dark humor? What if all the gurus and Jesus and Mohammed all came here from a higher place to help hell dwellers on their path to restoration and redemption? What if all these good people who leave early have successfully completed their mission and have now departed this horrid,dying place never to return?

The dense dimension

If you try to pray, you will notice it takes time to manifest your prayers in this 3 dimensional realm. Why do you think that is? I have a theory: I think it is because we are somewhere dense and heavy, possibly under ground, cast away in such manner that it would take a serious effort on anyone of us to raise our vibration to such heights that would match even a little bit, the superior vibration of what we desire- peace, prosperity and happiness- all feelings characterized by heavenly energies of purity, love and light- which obviously are harder and harder to come by in this realm which is immersed in suffering, wars, disease and depression. There is a stark mismatch between these two levels of energy which cannot go unnoticed. It is as if you are stuck in a dark hole 7000 feet deep and are asking if you could have a walk on the beach, or you’re a plankton fifty thousand kilometres deep in the Atlantic ocean and have been all your life, and you pray every day to know what it feels like to ride a plane. How could that be possible? You get what I am trying to say? When I pray for something that never comes, I feel like that plankton and for good reason because that is how far under it feels like we are from heaven.

What I would give to ask the late John Osteen, Dr. Wayne and all others one question: “Where are you now? And is where you are better than here? And if that is the case, then where is here and what did we do to deserve to be sent to this place?”

You Are Not Alone

Even if it seems otherwise, you are not alone in this world. You didn’t come here, to this 3D world, by yourself. Each one of us has a keeper, and you can call it however you want: God, higher self, divine guide, guardian angel or whatever else tickles your fancy. For it is not the label that matters, on the contrary, intention is everything.

I looked back at my life and I couldn’t help but feel sad because I felt so alone. I had to do everything by myself. People around me seemed to not want to invest their time to help me do anything. I grew up mostly by myself and had to rely on myself to get anything done. Be it admission into school, applying for my passport, Id, tarmacking for jobs, going for interviews, searching for places to stay or big things like choosing my career, what I will cook for Eid, where I will go for vacation, absolutely everything, I had to do it myself. I know some people probably wish they had this freedom and independence, everything, if done in excess, is not good for our health and wellbeing. I crave the feeling of being helped around by someone who cares about me with just the right amount of concern, not bordering on clinginess and overprotectiveness, though. I wish I could live each day, knowing at the back of my mind that my world would not collapse if I did not wake up for a week, because I decided to take a break from doing anything. I wish, just like my friends, I had helicopter parents who always made sure I had everything I needed, and would go out of their way to accompany me to my interview, or take me to apply for my first job, or help me pick my husband, or gift me my eid dress. Life has indeed been a lonely place.

After all the pity I could spare for myself in a single lifetime, I stopped to think, wiping my tears away, “But wait Zeinab, you were never really, truly alone were you?” Something or some invisible force was always there with me, seeing me through the worst storms of my life, giving me courage to keep going and to never give up. Something was always watching over me, guiding me through my intuition, to follow a path which always somehow turned out to be the best thing I ever experienced. This fact, has made me convinced beyond any doubt, that we are never alone…not really. I am where I am today, because, even if the whole world was too busy to care, this part of me-this invisible force- was always there, heavily invested in my life, watching out for me, sending opportunities of growth and progress my way, making the unbearable, bearable, and never leaving my side not even once. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know its name, but today, right now, I want to thank it from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being there for me, thank you for always guiding me. Thank you that everything I need I seem to get, easily, without any resistance. I am grateful and so happy. I feel blessed.

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