Love is not enough

All we need is love, they say. Well, I disagree. While love feels like the warm rays of the sunrise on your face after a freezing, damp and dark night, the sun does not last for in the evening, it bids goodbye and leaves us once again, clad in the shadow of the night.

For this reason, I didn’t think twice about telling him how this is not going to work. It was high time I accepted the fact that he was just not going to give me the life I need. As expected, he was realistic again, as he said he couldn’t see a future with us. He was always the realist, this man. I was the one living in the clouds and building castles without a foundation. I was always dreaming of a future where there was none to be had. However, today was the first time I felt calm about letting him go. It was always nerve wrecking before, whenever reality hit hard and I was forced to step away. There was once a time I would dread not hearing from him for even a day. That time is over. Thankfully I can breath and sleep without a problem. I am sure he hates how I have changed but he should know that by now, I love myself enough to walk away, not bitter and broken, but happy and at peace!

To this man I once loved more than myself I say sorry. I am sorry for leaving you after I learned to live myself first and foremost. I am sorry that I am running so fast and it looks like I am leaving you behind- to the same place you were when I met you five years ago. That has always been my style, I am stuck so hard you would think i would never escape, but once I manage to free myself I never look back.

Therefore, after many runs of trial and error, I find myself free at last. I am free from the past me who would settle for crumbs of love when I deserved the whole box of cookies. I am free from my old version of me who would attract the same type of relationships which hurt me the same way my father has. That part of me who would get into relationships with men who reminded me of my father, so I would get triggered over and over again every time I couldn’t text someone or call them, or be acknowledged in public with them, is now dead. I buried her. End of the story!

What you see with your Mind’s eye, you will see with your eyes

Life without a vision is like a bus without a destination. That dream is in you for a reason. What you imagine your life to be when you close your eyes, that vision, must come true.

When you listen to stories of people who are leading extraordinary lives today, they started with an idea in their mind of where they wished to be. Most of these people came from very poor backgrounds, had a rough childhood, weren’t loved by their parents, slept hungry or were stuck in a harsh reality in which they couldn’t imagine escaping from, but they dared to dream big regardless of how impossible their dream seemed to be.

Life is like that, it will give you all the reasons why you should give up only to watch and see if you will take the bait of hopelessness or not. Those who have really made it in life chose to keep believing in their dream no matter how hard life was. Looking back, if I hadn’t kept going despite the odds against me, I would have taken an easy way out by submitting to the miserable reality of my life. The depression, the anxiety, family tension and poverty almost put me down for good. Lack, chaos, and confusion colored the book of my life. Labels were thrown at me by people who thought I shouldn’t have survived what was put against me. But something in my mind and heart of hearts, always knew I was destined for great things. The vision in my mind’s eye burned bright even as I stood between a rock and a hard place. Reality persisted with its tumultuous challenges but so did I with my faith and vision.

So what is my vision?

Short answer: To live an extraordinary life where I am my happiest, healthiest, free and most expressed.

When I close my eyes, I envision only the most abundant of the most abundant any human being could have and enjoy in a single lifetime. A lifestyle that many of those who have known me and my story would laugh at me for even conceiving such luxury and opulence. I don’t care if they do. I believe that I wouldn’t have imagined it if God hadn’t prepared it for me. In fact, if we believe that time is relative and past, present and future is all combined together, I would be convinced I had lived the life of my dreams in a time of my past which in this moment feels like my future. I might have as well already lived the life of my dreams in a relative time and space. That is why I have such a vivid picture of every detail and how it feels like to be there. That is why I yearn and miss it so much. If that is true, which I believe it to be, then it is only a matter of time!

Master Your Mind, Master Your Life

We live in a world system which has conditioned us, whether intentionally or by accident, to believe we are weak. Schools were put up to teach us because we are ignorant. Hospitals exist to treat us because we can’t heal ourselves. Religion was created because we cannot take responsibility for our own lives; there needs to be someone we can blame for causing us unhappiness and pain right? There has to be someone, other than us, who is in control of our lives, making us miserable most of the times than happy, right? Wrong!

With every passing day, people are realizing the system is not how things really are. Many exemplary authors of life-changing books have testified about miraculous achievements where cancer patients, paralyzed people and others have completely healed just by thinking they are healthy and practicing feeling health and seeing themselves cancer free, or walking and running and completely healed. People like the youngest physicist in the world, show us that we are not naturally ignorant as to require schools to paint brush knowledge into our minds, but rather, we already know what we need to know and the schools give us a means to communicate that to others or at least structure it; and this can be done by just about anyone really, proving how many more people today prefer to homeschool their children, or at least control the environment in which their children are given this guidance or channeling.

Religion, on the other hand, well what do I say? This one is a tough one. It has been the oldest system perhaps and is the hardest to change or to reprogram our minds about what we believe. It is the most personal of all of the systems and most guarded. All these systems were created by us as we struggled to come up with the meaning behind life. We needed to hold unto something, to refer back to a way of life. Given that the world has millions if not billions of languages, cultures and geographical spaces, it makes sense that our religions are also different and each one seems strange and blasphemous to one another. I am not saying there is no God. There indeed exists the source of all the life we are and we see; a master designer, and genius at that! However, when it came to religions as the systems we know today, it was back then, all about the individual community’s or person’s personal experience with this source of life and how successfully they were able to influence or rather put everyone else, who did not take the time to think about the existential nitty gritties of life, on board their ship. Over time, and many centuries later, modifications were added to suit these philosophies about God, acquired from the personal experiences, whether ordinary or miraculous, of who God is or is not, and we have what we have today. That is why, many people even though they are amazed by the truths present in some holy scriptures about findings science only came to discover later, they are horrified by some ideas contained within them. Ideas like idolize get one community of people above everyone else, like in the bible and Quran for example, where God is literally taken to be the God of Israelis since the tribe has been mentioned to be favored by God. Also, many prophets if not all, are Jewish or Hebrew. As I take it, even prophet Mohammed peace be upon him and his family, is a descendant of Ishmael, the other son of prophet Abraham, a Hebrew. So it basically means today, that all Muslims in the world, and Christians alike, believe in the God of Israelis or Jews. Then it begs also the question, why would these two sides never eat from the same plate if they cook from the same pot? And why Muslims hate Jews so much if they worship their God and read the Quran, which has a special chapter on Israelis and mentions throughout the text how God has favored Israelis above everyone else in the world? Anyways, you get my point. I don’t want to get too much into religious politics, that is not what this post is about.

This post is about how we as a human race, have successfully built and programmed our minds around systems which defeat us instead of uplift us? How have we successfully sustained the very systems which have disempowered us and made us victims of our life circumstances? Today, when authors like Joe Dispenza, Joe Vitale, Bob Proctor, Neville Goddard, Rhonda Byrne and Jen Sincero write about the power of our minds and how we can heal from diseases just by thinking and feeling, and how we can surrender to the real God, haha excuse my language, rather what I mean to say is, how we can each find our personal relationship with God God, not someone else’s God, we are reluctant to accept this new truth. We shun it and say it is blasphemous! (Myself included, well it has not been easy I tell you). Don’t we realize how the prophets had ties unique relationship with God, don’t we want to find and search for him ourselves like they did? Don’t we want to talk to God, ask him for signs and miracles, like they did? Why are we robbing ourselves of this special feeling of being closer to God?Why do we have to believe only hospitals can take away our sickness, when God heals us through our own mind? Why do we succumb to fears and failures when God through our minds, has equipped us with ways we can create what we want to experience with imagination, visualization and positive thoughts. Do you think God would have sent us to this world helpless? Or would he have given us all we need to thrive? If the answer is yes, then why can’t we accept the abilities and creative power God has given us through our minds and get out of our own way? Why can’t we look for God in everything we see and marvel at his genius? Why can’t we live the life of our dreams, which God intended for us, where we thrive instead of surviving because we refuse to give up ideas which hurt us and take our power away from us? All God wants is for us to enjoy this life he has given us and to partake in the food he provided for us to sustain us, and use the power he gave us to create our own experiences and in return he says, “When you are thankful, I will increase you.” Is that so hard?

A Life Of Service

I think God intended for us to help many people. He does not want us to succeed for ourselves or be satisfied with selfish accomplishments which have only been benefitting us as individuals. I think life purpose or mission in anyone’s life is about what they can do to make other people’s life better with the skills or talents they have been blessed with in this life.

Talent, skills, wealth and health are outright blessings. However, did you know that the challenges, traumas, illnesses, disabilities and every storm we have faced in life are also gifts which we can use to help others who are going through the same? This is what made me open my eyes today. Not everyone who has been tested with what you were was able to make it to where you are. In my case, I have known many families with the same background and challenges as mine whose situation is worse and many youths from those families who were tested like me, but unlike me, have no way out and are trapped in drugs and dropped out of school. How could I not be blessed after seeing how far I have come despite all the odds which were way bigger than me and which threatened to destroy me? If the same odds succeeded to destroy someone else’s life in what seems like irreparable ruin, am I then not blessed?

For this blessing, should I not then feel a sense of purpose to help others who have walked my path of trials and make life better for them? Shouldn’t I set out to make sure I use my skills, talents and experience to make someone’s life better? I don’t have any money to start any big venture but I know I don’t have to wait to get the money I need, when I can start doing something, anything to impact someone’s life. Even if it is just my words of support and encouragement, even if it is just the fact that I made it this far, so can you, who is suffering and fighting against overwhelming giants!

Now that I have figured out this life-changing fact, the next question is what action can I take? What is the next thing I need to do? Where do I start? Who is my audience? Which method can I use to get the ball rolling? Is it by going to local primary and secondary schools and volunteering myself to counsel and guide them? Is it by visiting hospitals and volunteering to pray for the sick? Is it by cleaning the dirty streets in my village? What can I do to help people? Can someone please tell me?

I know it in my heart that God is calling me to action. It is so urgent that I cannot stop feeling this urge nowadays; the urge to do something not for myself, but for random people. Just the other day, I noticed the amount of trash which collected outside and around my home and neighborhood. Immediately, I felt I needed to step out and sweep it all clean by myself, which I did. In that moment, I felt so fulfilled. While I was sweeping, a lady passed by and prayed for me. That felt good. Then sometime later, a kid I begged to come help me load the trash into a sack, happily complied and we were able to finish in a matter of minutes. See? That wasn’t so bad! What I needed was only a broom and a sack. I didn’t need to buy anything, even the sack was given to me by my neighbor. That simple, selfless act of cleaning around the house, which also meant I was cleaning my neighbors’ houses as well since we all live close together, made me realize life is all about the good of the many and the selfless acts we do for others. I will go as far as to say, that if you want to experience joy and fulfillment, or to be cured of depression, go out of your way to do something that won’t be just about you; help as much as you can and start living for the community and not for yourself only.

The Grass is Not Always Greener on the Other Side

I had many reasons to stay unhappy. I am lonely one hundred percent of the time, my relationship status is the famous, “it is complicated”, I am just realizing I suffer from depression and I am too sad to clap for anyone who dares to celebrate anything around this time. I have known in my heart that I could be happier if only I had that perfect boyfriend, that beautiful home, that healthy family, that healthy mindset, that amazing life which has done nothing but remained pathetic and useless stickers on my vision board. If only I could live my dream life, with my dream someone. If only I did not suffer from depression but was healthy and fit. If only I got married earlier instead of choosing to remain a lonely and sad cat lady forever. If only I had done what I loved everyday instead of forcing myself to do anything else. If only…

It is always tempting to think the grass is greener on the other side of the misery we have called our life. It is easy to leave and give up what we are not satisfied with and go after what we think could become our source of happiness. Little do we know that we are where we are with what or who we are stuck with for a reason. That reason could simply be the fact that we need to transform into what we want to have. It could be that we are unhappy because we refuse to change our paradigms. The moment we change how we look at the world, it will change in tandem. Such a simple law, why is it so hard to follow?

I remember how my life used to suck big time. And now that I am here, I realize most, if not all of my pain was caused by my perception of people and things. It was me who hurt me more than anyone else. It was my view of money, relationships, family, home, school and people in general which tormented me. All the while my finger was pointed at that boyfriend who betrayed me, that parent who did not try to get close to me, that neighbour who was spiteful, God who was uncaring and unfair, that family dysfunction, my broken home, my lonely life, my foolish mistakes, money which was not enough and on and on the list went. My life sucked and it was everyone’s fault. And then, there were the Why Me? moments. Why did I not have a healthy family which could support me and be there for me? Why did I have to be born into a family with a history of mental illness? Why did my father have to live far away from me? Why am I a secret child? Why can’t I meet my step sisters and brothers across the world? Why did I choose law and not english literature or creative writing, which are both things I love? Why am I in a complicated relationship when I should be happily married to the man of my dreams? Why me God?Why?

I have to say, the biggest changes happen in the subtlest of ways. I have been transforming big time. Even with so many dreams still out of reach for me at the moment, even as my stubborn reality still mocks me, I have not remained the same. Little by little, one day at a time, I have made progress on my personality, attitude and behavior. For example, my old self would have a hard time communicating how they felt with others. Nowadays, I feel urged by a little inner voice to speak up. Say how you feel, it nudges. And I comply despite my unwillingness, only to feel so happy afterwards, as if a load has been lifted off of my aching, drooping shoulders; shoulders which have carried so much resentment, unspoken feelings, guilt, past hurts, fears, anger, bitterness and shame.

For this reason, I believe that we can only be happy if we change how we see the world around us. There is not going to be any other place, person or thing outside there which could make us fulfilled if we remain the way we are right now. It is important to change and prepare ourselves for our dream person and life. It starts here, inside us, and if that is a happy place, then everywhere else will be too.

I had a Big Realization Today

I know I rant about this and that sometimes(bear with me please), that is because, apart from my passion for writing which drove me to create this website over 3 years ago, another reason I put up my site at WordPress.com was simply to have a platform for venting. Can you relate? Perhaps, I should have know then that this website was going to be my diary, where I scribble this and that of every day of my life.

Yesterday after meeting with several frustrations, I came to my diary to vent. If you read yesterday’s post, you will see how confused and a little biased, (a lot biased, I mean, I really believed there are no good human beings left in this world)I was, about how hard human me vs. other humans who-are-not-me interactions can be. What stood out to me today however, was an enlightenment that perhaps, will solve my personal conundrum about relationships.

Continue reading “I had a Big Realization Today”

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