I didn’t Pay for My Sleep This Week

It is 4 in the morning and I tried very hard to get an hour of sleep. In fact, this whole week I have struggled with getting any sleep but instead found myself watching Netflix or stuck in the dimension of You Tube Shorts for hours on end. Oh yes! This feels familiar: it is time for another one of my depressive episodes. How long is this gonna last? God knows, or the devil, Idk!

Looks like I didn’t pay for my sleep this past two weeks. OMG, it has already been that long. The thing about depression is that you can easily lose track of time, or your life! How else would you not if you slept only when it was day time and stayed up like the vampire that you are all through the night? Unless the whole world starts shifting working hours to after dusk and schools open at night time, life will pass you by whilst in this state. I just hope God will fight for me and with me this time. I hope whatever this is, God will stand by me and see me through. I let God do what only he can do!

My Maker

There is some part of us that always wants to worry. It is a nasty default setting that centuries of survival have put in us. Somehow we decided that things cannot happen just naturally without our control or actions, but that is hardly the truth. The truth is that if we are honest about our life and how far we have come, most of the things which happened in our favor had nothing to do with our input or direction. Mostly because we didn’t even anticipate or foresee them, they just happened.

Why is it then so hard for us to trust in this same flow of our life, this invisible force which ensures all we need is effortlessly made available to us through unexpected means?

Take for example children, we all were helpless once and we could have died of starvation or exposure but somehow we didn’t. It wasn’t because we got jobs when we were two years old and paid rent and strived to afford milk and baby food to survive, but regardless, we survived. So, my question is who was it that provided for us then, and how is it possible that they would stop caring for us now? You can’t tell me it was parents by virtue that they were parents, because I have heard of several parents who would up and leave their children to starve or throw them in a trash bin, or torture and kill them. So, no it had to be someone else. This person put love in our parents, and if they didn’t love us enough to care, he inspired someone else to be there for us. This person couldn’t leave us then, therefore, he can’t leave us now or never will. Can we learn to trust in this invisible force which loves us and takes care of our needs? Can we surrender to this force and let go of control? Can we release our worries and fears about tomorrow, what we will eat or drink?

Our Anxieties

There is a reason why we get scared. I once met someone who had a panic attack every time they thought they would stay hungry. To prevent this from happening, they would buy lots of food that they don’t even need. Another person was so scared of being broke he would get sick when his account dropped below three figures! It is obvious that these people had had traumas in the past about this stuff they cannot do without.

There is a normal level of anxiety for example, the kind that students experience before an exam, or the type which leaves you breathless as you anticipate your first date with your crush. Then there is the crippling monster of fear which paralyzes you and leaves you dysfunctional.

I equate this fear to annoying, theiving ants who bombard your food ration, like a destructive and malicious army of sneaky theives.

After observing several people, including myself, suffer in the hands of this monster, I came up with anxiety hypothesis:

Every fear or anxiety is related to a past trauma. Therefore, in order to heal from it one has to heal the trauma from the past.

It might be hard to realize why you break down or go into full blown panic attack in the face of this problem or that, but once you observe your behavior and response in the triggering situations, you will see it when it is coming and get an upperhand in controlling it from robbing you off of your joy and peace. Anxiety is the enemy, but this enemy is not unconquerable!

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