My Maker

There is some part of us that always wants to worry. It is a nasty default setting that centuries of survival have put in us. Somehow we decided that things cannot happen just naturally without our control or actions, but that is hardly the truth. The truth is that if we are honest about our life and how far we have come, most of the things which happened in our favor had nothing to do with our input or direction. Mostly because we didn’t even anticipate or foresee them, they just happened.

Why is it then so hard for us to trust in this same flow of our life, this invisible force which ensures all we need is effortlessly made available to us through unexpected means?

Take for example children, we all were helpless once and we could have died of starvation or exposure but somehow we didn’t. It wasn’t because we got jobs when we were two years old and paid rent and strived to afford milk and baby food to survive, but regardless, we survived. So, my question is who was it that provided for us then, and how is it possible that they would stop caring for us now? You can’t tell me it was parents by virtue that they were parents, because I have heard of several parents who would up and leave their children to starve or throw them in a trash bin, or torture and kill them. So, no it had to be someone else. This person put love in our parents, and if they didn’t love us enough to care, he inspired someone else to be there for us. This person couldn’t leave us then, therefore, he can’t leave us now or never will. Can we learn to trust in this invisible force which loves us and takes care of our needs? Can we surrender to this force and let go of control? Can we release our worries and fears about tomorrow, what we will eat or drink?

Living the consequences of my words spoken years ago

Guys I don’t know what to say anymore. I am tongue-tied and I have no way of changing my unwanted reality. I have been too frustrated at the fact that everyone around me seems to have gotten married in the last year and is settled down in their home with their hubby. I on the other hand, have only been stuck in an unhealthy relationship with someone who will never put that ring on my finger even if the skies were to fall otherwise. You can imagine my frustration after four years on and off with this person who only had one thing in his mind and which was to have as much fun as possible when he can before I meet someone who would marry me. It may sound like no big deal to you who is reading this right now, but trust me when I tell you that when you have invested in someone with all your heart and soul and cannot seem to get over them no matter what you do or where you go, and this person no matter what will always make it clear to you that you are nothing more than a girl toy, it hurts like hell. The regret you would feel is insurmountable. You would wish you could have the power to erase from destiny the day you two had set eyes on one another. But we both know you can’t.

Better late than never is what they say. I made a decision to cut off any involvement with any man who is not a marriage prospect in reality. Sometimes I disconnect from reality and this is what happens whenever I live in the clouds for too long: reality basically trashes me and all my dreams get delayed or quashed. I am making a choice to stay firmly rooted to the ground that is my reality in all its ugliness. No more escaping into fantasy land. As far as love and commitment is concerned, I have made a choice to never entertain anyone who does not check the reality box; if he is not single and available to commit to me he is a huge no way not even a hi!

At this point in my life I am tired of attending other people’s weddings especially if they are younger than I am. I seem to be getting these invitations and the whole world is seemingly getting married and settling down. I hate it so much and this reminds me of the local saying that, Msiba wakujitakia hauambiwi pole meaning that if someone causes themselves trouble or suffering, they are not entitled to a sorry. Many years ago I wanted just this: to prioritize studies over anything and everything else including marriage. When it came to discussions about getting married back then, I would strongly disagree with anyone who was pro marriage and argue that no woman in their wise mind should leave studies to get married or mix the both of them at the same time. I used to affirm and believe that men would only give me a bad life if I were to be dependent on them. So independence was everything. I needed to study and get a job to be financially secure before I thought of marriage. Well, I got what I wanted even though it is no longer what I need. I realized even with a job and money, if you were alone and isolated you couldn’t be happy. Work and no home meant that I would work too much until I burnt out and live an unbalanced life which would make me sick eventually. I now understand that a happy life is a balanced one.

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