A Time For Everything

Dear Reader, I know I have been quiet, maybe, too quiet. But like everything else, my silence has a reason. You could say I have done the most healing and self-care in silence than any other time. Let me update you on what Has happened this past few weeks.

I have found Jesus in my struggles. Yes on several occasions I found myself calling him to come save me. And perhaps you could say he actually did, or IS doing right now. The universe in some mysterious way arranged for me to see a doctor for my mental health. He talks and I listen. I tell him about all the things I could only say on this blog before. Now, I see this as a huge step in my life since before now, I could only suffer alone, without anyone’s guidance or direction. And OH, HAVE I SUFFERED! You guys stand witness.

On the downside, seeing a doctor means that I am too sleepy to write. Sometimes I felt my mind numb and so I let it. These days, I am slowly finding my voice again. I hope this post is a testament to the fact that indeed nobody will help us if we don’t decide for ourselves to get the help we so desperately need and must have. I don’t know what the future holds but I am at peace with the fact that self-care and healing is finally a top priority in my life as of this moment. Like in the Bible, in Ecclesiastes 3 when it was said: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. Now is my time to heal!

I didn’t Pay for My Sleep This Week

It is 4 in the morning and I tried very hard to get an hour of sleep. In fact, this whole week I have struggled with getting any sleep but instead found myself watching Netflix or stuck in the dimension of You Tube Shorts for hours on end. Oh yes! This feels familiar: it is time for another one of my depressive episodes. How long is this gonna last? God knows, or the devil, Idk!

Looks like I didn’t pay for my sleep this past two weeks. OMG, it has already been that long. The thing about depression is that you can easily lose track of time, or your life! How else would you not if you slept only when it was day time and stayed up like the vampire that you are all through the night? Unless the whole world starts shifting working hours to after dusk and schools open at night time, life will pass you by whilst in this state. I just hope God will fight for me and with me this time. I hope whatever this is, God will stand by me and see me through. I let God do what only he can do!

Heal Yourself; How to access your past and future self and be there for them during hard times

Dear reader and esteemed fan of everything spiritual, I am writing this post today, after the sweet aftermath of a gratitude meditation session with Manifest By Jess, a YouTube healer and my go-to gratitude champion. It has been forever since the last time I meditated, which explains why I have been so unfocused and unhappy. Meditation is a true gem which could save our lives if only people made it a priority first thing on their daily to-do lists.

If you are familiar with my journey here on this platform, you would know that I have had to grow up in the most unhealthy, chaotic surroundings without anything stable to ground my young and lost self on. Being here right now, writing this, is a testimony of the miraculous fact that I survived. I am strong and tough, yes, but that doesn’t mean I have no scars. These scars manifest themselves as chronic depression, which lasts months on end and severe anxiety and panic attacks. Given my suffering state of being, it is no wonder I desire healing more than anything else. Abundance therefore, for me means first and foremost, healing of all my wounds which I have suffered as a result of the hell I have been through, followed by freedom to enjoy life without restrictions and all the financial freedom the universe can give me in a single lifetime! I tried many times, to pray for true love, a job, and everything else I thought I needed to be happy and the universe delivered most if not all. While I was thankful of course, for my blessings, I realized that I was still hurting pretty badly, and that if I had healed first, I would have enjoyed everything else so much more. so how does anybody heal from past trauma? is someone going to come and help me heal? I don’t think anyone is coming.

Dale Carnegie, in his book, “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”, told me a story of how he met a man who was looking for solutions to his life problems everywhere else, except in himself. Dale Carnegie then told him the truth we all fear and resent so much: Nobody is coming! Yes, that is true, there is nothing or no one out there who will show up to do the work you should be doing on yourself. And this was tough to hear because I had believed all my life, that God has prepared special angels in the form of helpful people who will reward those who have been suffering with everything they desire, as an incentive for surviving all the difficult times and refusing to give up hope. So, everyday, I would pray to God to hasten the arrival of my soul family, soulmate or that special someone, who would be the answer to my prayers and change my life for the better. You guessed right! This person never came. Why? because the person I was praying for, the one who would heal me and make everything right, was me all along. Let me explain…

If you are familiar with spirituality, you would know that one of the most important hail Marys of this universe, is the saying that time is an illusion. There is only now, this present moment. And if that is true it means, the child me is here right now, going through the worst time of her life, that heartbroken betrayed younger me is crying on that bed right now, that depressed me who cannot get out of bed to eat or wash up is suffering right this minute as I am writing this. This powerful truth is so life-changing. this means that with meditation and intention, you could send energies of healing, love and support to that version of you who is suffering alone. in fact, you could even send them guidance and advice, talk with them, and imagine yourself as if you were there, in that room with them, comforting them, and promising them that you would always be there for them. And the thing is, whether you want to believe it or not, YOU WERE always there for yourself! I know this may be hard to believe but trust me when I tell you, you can heal yourself from trauma, especially the type which does not listen to therapy or pills, by accessing your past self, and in some instances, your future self, through meditation and intention. Try it today! What do you have to lose?

Some affirmations you can use while meditating:

“I send energies of love and healing to my hurting self, in all directions of time and space, past, present and future.”

“My inner child, my younger self, I know you are hurting, please know I am here for you and I love you.”

“You are everything to me, my most important person, who I cherish very much more than anything else in the world, and I will always be there for you , no matter what. Therefore, don’t feel alone. You are never alone.”

“You are worthy and oh so valuable to me. I love you and care about you very much. Know that I am always there for you no matter what.”

These are just some affirmations I use for myself. Feel free to use more specific ones suitable for your situation and your trauma. All the best!

Behind The Scenes of My Life

It is now week three and I have been struggling to get up and get going. I have to spend hours convincing myself to brush my teeth and take a shower. My day starts in the afternoon and that just means my eyes reluctantly open to another painfully passive half day, spent doing nothing aside from crying and struggling to accomplish simple tasks.

Eating is out of the question. I want to starve and I just don’t care for food. Well, my stomach disagrees and I am sure it dreads having to stay hungry all day when it knows food is only a few minutes walk away. It has come to terms with not eating breakfast…

Stomach( interrupting): Excuse me! Excuse me! I will take over from here on!(clears throat)So, where were we? Oh yes, breakfast, my God-given right, has been denied. Why you ask? Because sleeping beauty here refuses to wake up.If she ever does wake up at the earliest in these last three weeks, that would be a little after noon. Even then, she won’t care for a drink of water, let alone a meal. It is during these times, I try and send her signals to feed me. I try the oldest trick in the book: growling and pinching, hoping that would scare her to grab a banana.When this does not work, I try to call the Central Nervous System to complain and send help, by springing this human into action and go get me some food, but the line has not been working these past few weeks. It just does not go through. I wonder if something’s up, up there because normally, the CNS takes care of me every day and I don’t need to make any calls except for ramadhan, then I am reminded that I will be treated mighty well and compensated with delicious meals after sunset and I have been really happy with that arrangement. However, I could swear it is not ramadhan. I could swear that because I have been neglected way too much and sometimes I am given only a few bananas for the day and that’s it. That would never have happened during ramadhan. So no, it is not ramadhan. The CNS would have told me if it was. What is going on?CNS? Anyone?

Me(interrupting): Can I please finish what I was saying?

Stomach: Sure, but hurry up and EAT something soon, ANYTHING!

Me: Okay sure, of course. Just a few minutes.

Me: Did I mention it has been tough? Yeah. Terribly, numbingly and endlessly torturous. When will I feel normal again? Reality won’t wait forever. If I remember well, I have got oral exams coming soon, when was that? First of November? Or was it sometime later? In any case, reading any book right now would require a miracle; the sea-splitting- into-two type of miracle for Zeinab, not Israelis, to read atleast one book.

God in heaven, can’t I be a Moses? Or better yet David, so I can defeat this giant that is eating up the quality of my life?

A few minutes before now, I successfully managed to shower. While in the bathroom, contemplating my pathetic helplessness, I held the soap in my couldn’t-care-less right hand , and as I forced it to slide the soap over my I want-to-be-anywhere-else-but-here body, I found myself laughing at my sorry state of being. Even this simple and necessary act of basic hygiene, makes me uncaring and unfeeling. Hahahahaha! I chuckled bitterly as an idea came to my limp mind. I saw myself before I came to this world, negotiating with whoever it was, what hell I was going to pick to experience on earth. There were several choices displayed before me: cancer, physical disability, depression and the list went on and on and I picked depression with an added bonus of anxiety and a mood disorder. I must have also picked lovelessness, family dysfunction and secret child syndrome to complete the amazing ensemble! Wow! I am so lucky! Indeed.

Sarcasm aside, I believe there is a messed-up system in this world which makes me doubt it has our best interests at heart. We are practically handed stuff we never asked for and have to work hard throughout our life to get stuff we need to survive. I don’t think God did this. I imagine there was a group of somethings that hijacked the control room of the world stage. And I would not trust them with my cat’s dinner, let alone my life. No wonder every religion I am close to speaks of a better life, an eternal life far far faaaaaaaar away from this one. That is a relief, because this one!!No this shouldn’t, cannot, must not be it!

You Don’t Have To Fight Anymore

Dear all of you who have been in hell,

You don’t have to fight anymore!

You survived. You came through to the other side of hell. You no longer have to take a defensive stance anymore. You are safe.

I know the place you have come from. A place which made you suffocate. A toxic home environment. A narcissistic ex. A deal gone wrong. Cancer. Heartbreak and pain. That place made you scared. It is a dark place to be at. You held on with all your strength. And had to borrow some. You refused to give up. You wanted to so much, but you could not pack up and run. Because where else would you go? Who cared enough about what you had been through. All people saw was a wreck. All people heard in your cries was complaints. They would not understand. No they just don’t care. Because it is not happening to them. They will only care to judge, saying, ” Oh you have changed!”. How do they expect you to remain the same, when all that you went through alone took such a toll on your very essence as a soul. Don’t they remember the wars you had to fight alone? One against them all? How could they forget your dark nights of the soul? Those moments you wished you had died. But alive you still remained. How would they know? They would not understand. You gave your all in the fight. But the dark hole took just as much as well. It took your smile. Your free spirit. It stole your heart and turned it to bile. It made sure you would always stay afraid. Afraid of trusting in the world. Afraid of opening your heart. Your softness turned into aggression. Your warmth to ice. You built walls. As high up as the sky. Nobody could break through to reach your true self. You stayed alert. Always weary of others’ intentions. You don’t need to fight anymore. The worst is over.

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