I told myself I wasn’t gonna do what everyone was doing. I said I would take time out and rest. If only the world listened, if only it would stop and give me a break. It did just the opposite.
After my bar exams, I went home. Cautiously optimistic that I would get some rest. But ever so evasive rest was I found very little of it. I was caught between cooking this and that and serving three meals a day. It felt as though my entire day was predictable: wake up, cook, think about what to cook next and clean. The utensils glared at me every evening and I dreaded the very innocent act of eating. For it meant cleaning was right after. I cannot rest here. As if I hadn’t had enough, I had my younger sister stay with me which meant I had to wake up at the crack of dawn, iron her uniform, make her early bird’s breakfast and see her off to school only for her to return what appeared to be minutes later for lunch which has to be ready or she complains she was going to be late. This had me on my toes every single day. I felt like the whole world wanted something from me. I felt like there was no air to breath. I wanted to vanish into nothingness.
I have but two things which I suspect are the reason I hate my life right now: One, is my fear of loneliness which causes me to choose to be around just about anyone so I could avoid being alone because it is dreadful. Secondly, I know in my heart that I am not happy with where I am and what I have been investing my energy and time into and I just don’t know how to start over. How do you stop the clock from running? How do I sign away having to do pupillage when I have to because I pretty much feel tired and out of sorts? Everyone seems to be doing just fine and half if not all my classmates have begun their pupillage and I am feeling the pressure to start somewhere, anywhere. Except my body and mind feel like taking another month or two off, resting on an island in the middle of nowhere without people or phone reception and just LIVE. You know, that thing which nobody seems to be doing anymore and they seemingly don’t care. I want to scream into the matrix and tell whoever is forcing everyone to be on the go all the time to just leave me alone! Why must I always have to DO something, Go somewhere, WORK HARD? Why can’t I just breath and live normally like we were supposed to?
Is the fear of not having money perhaps the cause of all my problems? Is not having a source of income if I don’t work myself to death the reason why I am not living? Could I really live and not have anything to eat, or no water to drink? Is life all about eating and drinking? If that is the case, then it is not worth it and being alive is a mean, sick joke!
Dear reader, I have always believed that there was an easier way to live this rather chaotic life which is to live it first and foremost, meaning that we need to be PRESENT in every moment and enjoy everything, including breathing and feeling being in our bodies. That also includes letting go of fear of failure or lack and embracing life as it is without seeking anything more than what naturally comes our way. Whatever comes ,comes, whatever goes, goes. Naturally, the force that put us here takes care of us and provides for us. Don’t ask me how for I am yet to figure this one out. But just know that we are not alone at least I wouldn’t like to think we are because then we want to enact Spartacus in real life and everyone is out for themselves and we can’t afford to take a day off from work because we will be hungry and it is do or die. That endless run on the hamster wheel needs to stop, at least for me and my life. I must stop it so I can breath and start living again! I don’t want to have to keep going when I feel so worn out and tired of everything! I want to rest and to live.