Not My Jam But Here I am!

It began with an invitation. A harmless group of girls and firm mates in my class wanted to hang out and “put the face to the voice,” as they called it. Since I joined law school, we have only heard each others’ voices over teams so everyone was eager to meet. But I wasn’t!

Four months ago, I made a decision that would change my life. I decided, after waging several coup de tats over my will, passion and everything I was, to go back to school. This is no ordinary school mind you, it is Law School; that final race to the finish line of becoming a practicing advocate of the High Court of Kenya.

To every other lawyer, Law School is not only expected but accepted. To me, how do I put it? Let me just say, I was prepared to get cast away to a small island in the middle of the Indian ocean where the only source of food was coconuts, than to have to go to hell, I mean, Law school!

So believe me when I tell you that it had to take a pretty desperate, no-choice-but-to-go-back-to-school kind of a situation, to make me acquiesce.

Everything was all well and good the first few months, since learning was online( thanks to Covid, but no thanks) and I did not have to leave my comfort zone to move two cities away just for the sake of school. I was trying to avoid having to surrender familiar surroundings, for a cold stranger’s land, in the middle of a rich suburb, that had no compassion for poor students living in subsidized student hostels. Honestly, the fact that I would have to live with only two options for food for a year:Maizemeal and ramen, was only an excuse. The real reason I wanted to stay home was deeper than that; I have a hard time accepting change. I fear the worst. Always.

If I was that apprehensive of change, why am I bowling with strange girls and having so much fun?(I was the champion of the day).The old me would do everything possible to avoid hanging out with the girls. She would rather spend Sunday alone in her hostel room, trying to think why at 27, she is still single and miserable as hell( and also wondering if it is not too late to leave everything and go back home. The world is brimming with lawyers, one less wouldn’t kill the profession!).

So, long story short, four months later, as I write this piece, I am happily housed at the student hostels in the school , which I previously dreaded with my heart and soul. I find this whole experience very exciting, the city, everything I have wanted and dreamt about. If the Law of Attraction had a home in Kenya, this would be it! This is the land of manifestation of desires, angel numbers, signs and synchronicities. I am not alone. I am not a stranger. I am home. And this is where I want to be for the rest of my life!( And yes, I love bowling!)

You Don’t Have To Fight Anymore

Dear all of you who have been in hell,

You don’t have to fight anymore!

You survived. You came through to the other side of hell. You no longer have to take a defensive stance anymore. You are safe.

I know the place you have come from. A place which made you suffocate. A toxic home environment. A narcissistic ex. A deal gone wrong. Cancer. Heartbreak and pain. That place made you scared. It is a dark place to be at. You held on with all your strength. And had to borrow some. You refused to give up. You wanted to so much, but you could not pack up and run. Because where else would you go? Who cared enough about what you had been through. All people saw was a wreck. All people heard in your cries was complaints. They would not understand. No they just don’t care. Because it is not happening to them. They will only care to judge, saying, ” Oh you have changed!”. How do they expect you to remain the same, when all that you went through alone took such a toll on your very essence as a soul. Don’t they remember the wars you had to fight alone? One against them all? How could they forget your dark nights of the soul? Those moments you wished you had died. But alive you still remained. How would they know? They would not understand. You gave your all in the fight. But the dark hole took just as much as well. It took your smile. Your free spirit. It stole your heart and turned it to bile. It made sure you would always stay afraid. Afraid of trusting in the world. Afraid of opening your heart. Your softness turned into aggression. Your warmth to ice. You built walls. As high up as the sky. Nobody could break through to reach your true self. You stayed alert. Always weary of others’ intentions. You don’t need to fight anymore. The worst is over.

Our Anxieties

There is a reason why we get scared. I once met someone who had a panic attack every time they thought they would stay hungry. To prevent this from happening, they would buy lots of food that they don’t even need. Another person was so scared of being broke he would get sick when his account dropped below three figures! It is obvious that these people had had traumas in the past about this stuff they cannot do without.

There is a normal level of anxiety for example, the kind that students experience before an exam, or the type which leaves you breathless as you anticipate your first date with your crush. Then there is the crippling monster of fear which paralyzes you and leaves you dysfunctional.

I equate this fear to annoying, theiving ants who bombard your food ration, like a destructive and malicious army of sneaky theives.

After observing several people, including myself, suffer in the hands of this monster, I came up with anxiety hypothesis:

Every fear or anxiety is related to a past trauma. Therefore, in order to heal from it one has to heal the trauma from the past.

It might be hard to realize why you break down or go into full blown panic attack in the face of this problem or that, but once you observe your behavior and response in the triggering situations, you will see it when it is coming and get an upperhand in controlling it from robbing you off of your joy and peace. Anxiety is the enemy, but this enemy is not unconquerable!

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