My emotions are on an all-time out. I have been rolling up and down the hill of anxiety between dread, despair I have very little energy left for celebrating my achievements this past year.
I am either thinking, “Damn! What is holding the manifestation of my desires?” Is 28 years supposed to be when someone has settled down, got their life figured out and become independent? I look at everyone who is now settled and wonder what did they do right that I didn’t? I pray and ask God to give me strength but I feel hopeless most of the time. I am tired of watching people get everything I need. I am exhausted of waiting. I pray and ask God to show me what I am supposed to do.
I feel depleted after a series of sleepless nights and early mornings trying to stay on top of the exams. Now I feel like a shell where my person used to be. I feel like life is trying to show me something I am too tapped out to notice. “Life, what are you trying to tell me?”
My life has been shifting from highs to lows ever-changing, ever-moving but nothing really substantial is happening. You know the kind of life-altering events such as a brand new beginning somewhere far away, a new way of life, possibly a change in career, something that improves my quality of life. Nothing. My life feels like someone pressed pause on just one picture which is causing me to feel stuck in a loop experiencing the same events over and over again. My home environment hasn’t changed a bit even after 28 years, it still feels like hell and my family is still ever resentful and estranged. Even after decades have passed I am still wounded and the events of my past are still in control of my emotions and overall sense of self. I still get triggered by my mother’s actions and thoughtlessness and my dad is still pushing me away.
Sometimes you wonder who controls whether or not we get loved . Who says who gets to live in a supporting family and who gets to struggle? Who is the director of this life? Could God have anything to do with the miserable state of our lives which is the result of poor and selfish choices made by our parents? I don’t think God is to blame for the actions and choices of adult human beings who know what is right from wrong. The one who is to blame is the person who brings a life into this world and refuses to love it and take responsibility for it. Dr. Wayne Dyer in one of his sermons acknowledges that children come through their parents but are not for them. That means I came into this world and not for my parents but that I have my own destiny and mission to fulfill. So this means that society is misled about the role of our parents in our life and we need to move on and live our life without any affiliation to our parents. This means that you as a child have nothing to tie you back to your parents other than the fact that you came through their womb in a natural biological way which is how every donkey, rabbit and kitten is born. You couldn’t have come down from the sky or take form from the air. You had to come into this world and somehow your parents genes and space was used because it was available then. Nothing more.
In fact, if you look closely you will notice that most children don’t have any similarities with their parents except for the conditioning acquired through environmental influences. You would find that there is no connection whatsoever in ways of thinking, acting or behaving. No similar inclinations either to music or arts or writing. None. Sometimes you will find even the paradigm of life is starkly different between parents and their children. We hear about Newton but we never hear about his parents being geniuses responsible for shaping their son to be a legend of science. We hear about the guy who discovered electricity but we never hear about his parents having any contribution to his genius other than the fact they were the tools used to being him into this world.
I believe it does not serve us to expect from our parents anything other than the fact they were used to being us here. Everything else they do for us after that is based on their own sentiment and attachment on the birth that has taken place. This explains why parents can choose to abort babies they don’t want or see as inconvenience and others can go as far as surrogacy just to hold a baby in their arms. The value placed on children is the same as any occurrence in someone’s life: Do I want this does this bring me joy? Or no this is a mistake my life is ruined?
In a nutshell, it would help the world a lot to understand that not everything is supposed to hold sentimental value. Children who have been wanted and prayed for spend their life relishing in the love and attention they receive. Is it luck? Not really? Because had they been unwanted or an inconvenience, they would have been set aside and tortured. Some are even killed or abused by their own parents. So it just so happens that you came through a good tool and you happened to be seen as something more than just another human body stuck in this circus of life. That you had meaning to the womb and the sperm used to manufacture you. Nothing more.