Pure Joy

Dearest readers I am back again, with an inspiring quote from the Bible. I am sorry I call them quotes but I don’t know how else to refer to them being that I barely know anything about the book. Anyway, the quote I am talking about is found in James 2-10:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

James 2-7

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance

James 2-3

This statement is so powerful. In fact, right now, I needed so much to hear this. Life gets hard, we get flustered and confused. Not only that, but also we become forgetful of all those motivational books we have read and all the odds we have faced before and successfully conquered. Satan, or whoever it is, plants seeds of doubt in our minds and instead of gravitating toward God we pull back and away from Him during our darkest hour. So when in James the Bible read, “Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds,” my heart clicks and the ever-fleeting hope comes back to my heart. It is not all doom and gloom. Somebody went through the same hardships and felt just as hopeless many, many years ago. This means that there is a purpose for our suffering and that is wisdom and maturity.

Another powerful addition to the statement reads: “Let Perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” This means that we DON’T NEED TO DO ANYTHING during our darkest hour. We just need to trust in the process and let go of trying to control our circumstances or escape from our hardships. Those trials we go through serve a higher purpose we may not know about. Our job is to stick it out to the end without giving up or losing faith.

And finally, after all our troubles, we are told, God gives generously without finding fault which to me means that If we truly believe and trust in God in our tough times, if we fight the temptation to lose faith in Him, he will reward us and compensate us. On condition that we BELIEVE we already have what we asked for. This is the climax in that movie when Cinderella gets everything she dreamed of and way more than she could imagine was possible. It sounds easy but it is the hardest part. It is not easy to believe when you are not seeing any improvement. It is even more difficult to wait and hope when the circumstances only continue to get worse and worse. But if we can believe without doubt that God is still with us and for us in the darkest valleys on which we walk, we shall have no fear because our prosperity is guaranteed!

A Time For Everything

Dear Reader, I know I have been quiet, maybe, too quiet. But like everything else, my silence has a reason. You could say I have done the most healing and self-care in silence than any other time. Let me update you on what Has happened this past few weeks.

I have found Jesus in my struggles. Yes on several occasions I found myself calling him to come save me. And perhaps you could say he actually did, or IS doing right now. The universe in some mysterious way arranged for me to see a doctor for my mental health. He talks and I listen. I tell him about all the things I could only say on this blog before. Now, I see this as a huge step in my life since before now, I could only suffer alone, without anyone’s guidance or direction. And OH, HAVE I SUFFERED! You guys stand witness.

On the downside, seeing a doctor means that I am too sleepy to write. Sometimes I felt my mind numb and so I let it. These days, I am slowly finding my voice again. I hope this post is a testament to the fact that indeed nobody will help us if we don’t decide for ourselves to get the help we so desperately need and must have. I don’t know what the future holds but I am at peace with the fact that self-care and healing is finally a top priority in my life as of this moment. Like in the Bible, in Ecclesiastes 3 when it was said: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. Now is my time to heal!

Energy Healing

What is it?

Energy healing comes from realizing that we are made of energy first and foremost before anything else. That there are waves of energy we can’t see all around us and through us and these waves have the power to make us feel better if channelled or moved with intent and purpose through our bodies.

How does it work?

Energy healing is done by way of touching with hands or hovering. The person who does this, also called a healer, moves their hands around, about and along the body of the patient with the intention to balance and remove any blocks in the energy field of the patient. They will focus more on the area of the body where the patient feels the most tension. If you look at the healer you would think they were performing random hand movements and caresses but those simple movements are potent with positive healing energy.

How much can energy healing cure?

Your simple headache, stomachache, chills and any types of pains or fevers. Depression and anxiety and any mood disorders. Some even claim terminal illnesses like cancer and lifelong conditions such as paralysis are cured by this type of healing. So why do you think it is less talked about on social media? I don’t know why. If such healing could help us shouldn’t the whole world invest in it and research more about it? Shouldn’t it be taught in all schools and colleges?

I Followed My Intuition and it led me to…

After a serious bowling with tears, snort and all I felt a strange wave of silence. The light bugs knocking against the fluorescent light in my bedroom suddenly stopped. It was as if I had finally caught the universe or God’s attention. I was in pain, misery doesn’t even begin to describe the state of shambles I was in at the time. I wanted it to end: the timeline of hell I had been stuck inside of, the cycle of anxiety that went on and on, endlessly torturing me and my heart, or whatever remains of it, which is ready to rewind the day I was born and erase it from the record of life. I was unhappy in every sense of the word and in every synonym and vocabulary ever invented to describe being in that hellish state.

I had given up hope on my vocation, because it didn’t bring me joy. I tried my best to hold back the time I would have to return to it but that time was cut short. What happened? Just when I was trying to manifest a fresh start which would guarantee a peaceful existence writing, reading and painting and having nothing to do with the crippling anxiety of the lackluster rigidity we call the law profession, I received a call for an interview for pupillage. I am sure most people would be happy to ever be shortlisted but in my case, I was having a serious case of heart palpitations. It was downhill from there. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t hear people talking and I dreaded ever having picked that call in the first place. Esther Hicks once said, you knew it wasn’t the right path for you by how it made you feel. So far, everything to do with law just never felt right. I recall the many times I broke down depressed or went into undergraduate exams completely blank. In addition, even after many years have passed, I still couldn’t learn to love it. And that says a lot!(I am naturally bubbling with love which could fill the whole world and then a planet)

I had to travel the very next day since the interview was going to be just a day away, a fact that lit my chest with even more fire that had every intention of exploding. I felt my new-found painting days dissolving into thin air and my new found sense of freedom and peace floating away to become clouds which looked like faces of people smirking as if to mock me, ” You think you could get away so easy?”.

I wanted my freedom, I tricked myself into thinking I had found it at last forgetting that as long as you are a lawyer, freedom only exists as measly statements on those rare occasions in your copy-pasted pleadings as you try to claim the right to liberty which is a joke in itself: The whole world is a prison where people dream of one thing and then end up paying hundreds of thousands to learn the exact opposite of what they love and because they have invested all that money and time getting depressed and unhappy, they get stuck because now they must take it upon yourself to suffer even more doing what they hate just so they could pay rent, eat and survive.

Anyway back to the topic, as the flight took off I felt even more uneasy as I thought of why I was still doing this even when every fiber of my being screamed, ” No! Free Yourself!”. I took a copy of the Quran in hopes of silencing that voice that has now been drilling holes into my brain trying to wake it up. I prayed and read the words of God hoping God in his own handwriting would write , “Go home my daughter! Fluff the interview. I set you free!” on the fluffy blanket of clouds which were now engulfing us. But he didn’t. I felt torn between going and suddenly not and I know it might sound funny because I was already in the air flying. But as God would have it, there was a stop of a few minutes midway and that is when my heart just couldn’t take it anymore. It actually came out of my chest, blood and all, and talked to me with a mouth in its face.(Yes, hearts do have mouths like us and can talk to us in those rare moments when we refuse to listen to its polite nudgings) It said to my face as I watched in horror, “Fluffing get up and get off this flight deafnuts!” And I found myself on my feet in a second and asking the attendants if they could allow people to alight midway. When they said yes I couldn’t believe my ears! I found my mouth against the better judgment of my brain, smiling from ear to ear and the following words came out of my mouth, “I am following my intuition. This is gonna be exciting!” And before long, I was collecting my bags and walking into a town with no idea where I would go or what I would do except that it felt right. This place felt right!

What The FluFF

I told myself I wasn’t gonna do what everyone was doing. I said I would take time out and rest. If only the world listened, if only it would stop and give me a break. It did just the opposite.

After my bar exams, I went home. Cautiously optimistic that I would get some rest. But ever so evasive rest was I found very little of it. I was caught between cooking this and that and serving three meals a day. It felt as though my entire day was predictable: wake up, cook, think about what to cook next and clean. The utensils glared at me every evening and I dreaded the very innocent act of eating. For it meant cleaning was right after. I cannot rest here. As if I hadn’t had enough, I had my younger sister stay with me which meant I had to wake up at the crack of dawn, iron her uniform, make her early bird’s breakfast and see her off to school only for her to return what appeared to be minutes later for lunch which has to be ready or she complains she was going to be late. This had me on my toes every single day. I felt like the whole world wanted something from me. I felt like there was no air to breath. I wanted to vanish into nothingness.

I have but two things which I suspect are the reason I hate my life right now: One, is my fear of loneliness which causes me to choose to be around just about anyone so I could avoid being alone because it is dreadful. Secondly, I know in my heart that I am not happy with where I am and what I have been investing my energy and time into and I just don’t know how to start over. How do you stop the clock from running? How do I sign away having to do pupillage when I have to because I pretty much feel tired and out of sorts? Everyone seems to be doing just fine and half if not all my classmates have begun their pupillage and I am feeling the pressure to start somewhere, anywhere. Except my body and mind feel like taking another month or two off, resting on an island in the middle of nowhere without people or phone reception and just LIVE. You know, that thing which nobody seems to be doing anymore and they seemingly don’t care. I want to scream into the matrix and tell whoever is forcing everyone to be on the go all the time to just leave me alone! Why must I always have to DO something, Go somewhere, WORK HARD? Why can’t I just breath and live normally like we were supposed to?

Is the fear of not having money perhaps the cause of all my problems? Is not having a source of income if I don’t work myself to death the reason why I am not living? Could I really live and not have anything to eat, or no water to drink? Is life all about eating and drinking? If that is the case, then it is not worth it and being alive is a mean, sick joke!

Dear reader, I have always believed that there was an easier way to live this rather chaotic life which is to live it first and foremost, meaning that we need to be PRESENT in every moment and enjoy everything, including breathing and feeling being in our bodies. That also includes letting go of fear of failure or lack and embracing life as it is without seeking anything more than what naturally comes our way. Whatever comes ,comes, whatever goes, goes. Naturally, the force that put us here takes care of us and provides for us. Don’t ask me how for I am yet to figure this one out. But just know that we are not alone at least I wouldn’t like to think we are because then we want to enact Spartacus in real life and everyone is out for themselves and we can’t afford to take a day off from work because we will be hungry and it is do or die. That endless run on the hamster wheel needs to stop, at least for me and my life. I must stop it so I can breath and start living again! I don’t want to have to keep going when I feel so worn out and tired of everything! I want to rest and to live.

My Maker

There is some part of us that always wants to worry. It is a nasty default setting that centuries of survival have put in us. Somehow we decided that things cannot happen just naturally without our control or actions, but that is hardly the truth. The truth is that if we are honest about our life and how far we have come, most of the things which happened in our favor had nothing to do with our input or direction. Mostly because we didn’t even anticipate or foresee them, they just happened.

Why is it then so hard for us to trust in this same flow of our life, this invisible force which ensures all we need is effortlessly made available to us through unexpected means?

Take for example children, we all were helpless once and we could have died of starvation or exposure but somehow we didn’t. It wasn’t because we got jobs when we were two years old and paid rent and strived to afford milk and baby food to survive, but regardless, we survived. So, my question is who was it that provided for us then, and how is it possible that they would stop caring for us now? You can’t tell me it was parents by virtue that they were parents, because I have heard of several parents who would up and leave their children to starve or throw them in a trash bin, or torture and kill them. So, no it had to be someone else. This person put love in our parents, and if they didn’t love us enough to care, he inspired someone else to be there for us. This person couldn’t leave us then, therefore, he can’t leave us now or never will. Can we learn to trust in this invisible force which loves us and takes care of our needs? Can we surrender to this force and let go of control? Can we release our worries and fears about tomorrow, what we will eat or drink?

What you see with your Mind’s eye, you will see with your eyes

Life without a vision is like a bus without a destination. That dream is in you for a reason. What you imagine your life to be when you close your eyes, that vision, must come true.

When you listen to stories of people who are leading extraordinary lives today, they started with an idea in their mind of where they wished to be. Most of these people came from very poor backgrounds, had a rough childhood, weren’t loved by their parents, slept hungry or were stuck in a harsh reality in which they couldn’t imagine escaping from, but they dared to dream big regardless of how impossible their dream seemed to be.

Life is like that, it will give you all the reasons why you should give up only to watch and see if you will take the bait of hopelessness or not. Those who have really made it in life chose to keep believing in their dream no matter how hard life was. Looking back, if I hadn’t kept going despite the odds against me, I would have taken an easy way out by submitting to the miserable reality of my life. The depression, the anxiety, family tension and poverty almost put me down for good. Lack, chaos, and confusion colored the book of my life. Labels were thrown at me by people who thought I shouldn’t have survived what was put against me. But something in my mind and heart of hearts, always knew I was destined for great things. The vision in my mind’s eye burned bright even as I stood between a rock and a hard place. Reality persisted with its tumultuous challenges but so did I with my faith and vision.

So what is my vision?

Short answer: To live an extraordinary life where I am my happiest, healthiest, free and most expressed.

When I close my eyes, I envision only the most abundant of the most abundant any human being could have and enjoy in a single lifetime. A lifestyle that many of those who have known me and my story would laugh at me for even conceiving such luxury and opulence. I don’t care if they do. I believe that I wouldn’t have imagined it if God hadn’t prepared it for me. In fact, if we believe that time is relative and past, present and future is all combined together, I would be convinced I had lived the life of my dreams in a time of my past which in this moment feels like my future. I might have as well already lived the life of my dreams in a relative time and space. That is why I have such a vivid picture of every detail and how it feels like to be there. That is why I yearn and miss it so much. If that is true, which I believe it to be, then it is only a matter of time!

Happy New Year my good people!: Gratitude Time and a Sneak Peak into my resolutions…

It is finally the 1st of January 2022! How did days go by so fast? I woke up today thinking to myself, What should my new year resolutions be? Or should I just wing it? I mean, I am sure everyone in the world did not see the last two years coming the way they did right? I wonder what they did with their resolutions?

The first thing I did today was take out my notebook and write down the things I am super grateful for in the past year. A lot has happened I cannot pinpoint everything but perhaps, the biggest thing to me was the courage I mastered to return to school and complete my legal studies. I never saw that coming. If you asked me sometime in 2020 if I could see myself living within the school complex and simply committing to learning about the law as much as I could, I would tell you Heck no! So for me, this past year has been instrumental in conquering my fear of Kenya School of Law and for that I am ecstatic!

Secondly, I am grateful for those who supported me this past year, starting with my sister who went out of her way to ensure my transition back into school was a smooth as it could be. It must not have been easy to prioritize my needs when she has so many people to care about and support. Thank you so much sis.

This past year made me learn about myself and allow myself to feel my feelings more than I ever did before. I let myself take it easy every time I fell into my regular pits of depression which sometimes lasted for months on end. During these lonely and scary times, I would normally be too hard on myself, blaming my inaction and inability to function properly. Up until this past year, I did not realize that I was already going through a very difficult time when I was depressed, so much so that it did not help at all to also hate on myself. In fact, it only made recovery that much difficult and impossible. So I am grateful for having the right level of self love and self care to cut myself some slack whenever I am afflicted.

I am also very thankful to my new state of awareness where I am learning to let go of what no longer serves me. I have grown more willing to accept the fact that it is better to be alone by myself( something which you know I despise so much) than to be with the wrong person/group. I know it is not easy to be so alone and single but on my best days, I love and enjoy it and on my worst, well, you and I both know this is a safe space for me to vent my frustrations all out.

Let me not forget to thank God for money. It has been my greatest source of happiness and support overall. I am glad I can treat myself out to meals when I can since I am a foodie. I am also happy I can afford to go shopping and not have to worry about not having enough. For me, this is a great relief since I have suffered a great deal from financial insecurity and I remember how hard it used to be before to even buy a bar of chocolate in spite of my crazy cravings for it, for fear I would have to go over budget. Life has not always been so easy for me especially where money and financial freedom was concerned. So thank you money, I love you so much, please keep coming to me always and forever.

Last but not least, I would like to thank word press for being my safe space where I can freely express myself and my ideas. I am grateful for my increasing subscribers and for the exposure I have to the rest of the world through my blog. I have always dreamt of communicating my ideas with the world and to have a following of people who listened and learned from what I have to share. So thank you so much. creating this blog was one of the best decisions I have ever made and sticking it out four years later was something I had never done before with anything else in my life since we know just how difficult it is for me to commit to something long term without getting bored out of my mind. So thank you so much for my blog and my followers.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

I would love to say I have everything figured out but I would be lying. So please allow me to think up stuff as I write. Thank you.

  1. The first thing which comes to mind is to be able to read as many self help books as I can this year. I wish to grow my “book reviews” page here on my blog and for this to happen, I plan to read at least 15 books this year.
  2. I would like to socialize more. I have been a hermit who is lonely. What a paradox I know! I need to start trusting others more and get out of my pretty little shell.
  3. Lest I forget, it is my goal that this year I meet my future husband no matter what! Haha! You guys know I have been singing about how much I need my man to come into my life so bad. Well, let us turn this into a goal, hoping by doing this, it will up its chances of being realized.
  4. I wish to exercise more self love and self care. This should be top of the list. I plan to pay close attention to what feels good to me and what feels off. I want to make sure I am in touch with myself and I set aside time to pamper and treat myself to a great time.
  5. I wish to open up about how I feel with others. I don’t want to eat up my feelings about anything. I also don’t wish to please others at the expense of my own emotional wellbeing. Therefore, I will say how I feel no matter how unpleasant it may sound to the person hearing it.
  6. I plan to focus on what truly matters and to finish up on the projects I am currently invested in. A better part of this year will be spent preparing for my bar exams and then pupillage. I plan to focus on that and filter out anything else which comes as a distraction. Laser focus!
  7. I plan to create to-do lists everyday so I know exactly what I am doing every day. This will not only help me minimize distractions and time wasting, but it will also make me feel productive and purposeful.
  8. I plan to set aside time to study for my bar exams everyday. I want it to be like a daily routine which I cannot live without. No matter how the day has been or how crappy I feel, I want to be able to do some reading on those law textbooks which have been staying unopened ever since I bought them. They deserve to be read.
  9. I plan to grow my subscriber count on my blog to 150 from the current 80 by the end of 2022.
  10. I wish to conquer my fears slowly by slowly. Whatever they may be, I plan on facing every little thing which I fear one by one this year.
  11. Most importantly, I plan on taking care of my health by eating well and taking more fruits.
  12. I plan on working on myself even as I will be busy doing all these other things. I wish to become a better person, more mature and closer to reaching my fullest potential as a divine being first and foremost, and as a human being second. I wish to reach a superior level of self awareness and consciousness.
  13. I plan to expand my knowledge about the universe and how it works. I wish to learn more about the law of attraction, God, the world, the hereafter, and all other mystical things waiting for me to discover about myself and the world in general.
  14. I plan for 2022 to become the best year of my life yet! This year will see me live the life of my dreams or at least, getting closer to it and establishing the required foundations for the lifestyle of my desire. I expect only miracles and wonderful surprises this year and nothing less!
  15. Lastly, I wish for everyone in the collective consciousness to realize their dreams, accomplish their goals, successfully wrap up their projects and live the best year of their lives!

With that said, Happy new year my good people, I love you so much and thank you for being part of my life this past year and all others before that. Let us walk into 2022 with assurance that this year will right all wrongs, bring world peace and good climate, save the animals and trees and on top of all of that, realize all our hearts’ desires!

Meditation of Love and Forgiveness-Ho’opnopono

I am Sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

Ho’opnopono

There is something in this world which responds beautifully to these four words: I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Speak them often to yourself and to absolutely anything else in your life, and watch as stuff start to change for the better. They say you need to at least do this meditation for 21 days to see the results. I am on day I don’t know but it has been several days now and I am already feeling much better overall.

This powerful meditation has an equally powerful story behind it. A psychiatrist used this healing meditation on a group of hopeless and dangerous lunatics with criminal records whom no doctor could treat and had been left in an abandoned ward and they all ended up fully healed and well. I must say, it was hard to believe at first, given that they are just simple words with no extraordinary meaning to them, however, I have come to realize that they could be life-changing if felt with the heart! They are capable of healing your unresolved traumas, your inner child, your stormy relationships and your negative thought patterns.

Love is healing and so is gratitude. That is why I think the two words, I love you and thank you in this meditation stand out to me the most. Interestingly, this world seems to have been built around a certain wavelength which reacts to any expression of gratitude. For example, if you were to say thank you everyday for everything you have, you would notice that everything else you wanted before keeps on coming to you effortlessly. The more gratitude you show, the more things keep showing up for you to be grateful for. It is a code which responds directly proportional to your level of gratitude.

The miracles this Ho’oponopono meditation could unravel are infinite. I believe only when you have used it to heal yourself and others with whom you have had a falling out, will you be able to see the benefits this meditation holds. Even then, you wouldn’t have seen everything it has to offer you unless you are willing to try it on absolutely anything and everything.

Talking of experimenting, I saw a video where a woman was saying these words to money she was holding in her hands. She spoke to the money as if it was alive and for once I think we could have the answer to solving all our world problems such as poverty, food insecurity, epidemics and wars. Imagine if the whole world were to practice this meditation with intention to alleviate all the disasters mankind has had to endure throughout generations! I believe the world would become heaven itself! Let’s Ho’oponopono our way into 2022, shall we?

You Are Not Alone

Even if it seems otherwise, you are not alone in this world. You didn’t come here, to this 3D world, by yourself. Each one of us has a keeper, and you can call it however you want: God, higher self, divine guide, guardian angel or whatever else tickles your fancy. For it is not the label that matters, on the contrary, intention is everything.

I looked back at my life and I couldn’t help but feel sad because I felt so alone. I had to do everything by myself. People around me seemed to not want to invest their time to help me do anything. I grew up mostly by myself and had to rely on myself to get anything done. Be it admission into school, applying for my passport, Id, tarmacking for jobs, going for interviews, searching for places to stay or big things like choosing my career, what I will cook for Eid, where I will go for vacation, absolutely everything, I had to do it myself. I know some people probably wish they had this freedom and independence, everything, if done in excess, is not good for our health and wellbeing. I crave the feeling of being helped around by someone who cares about me with just the right amount of concern, not bordering on clinginess and overprotectiveness, though. I wish I could live each day, knowing at the back of my mind that my world would not collapse if I did not wake up for a week, because I decided to take a break from doing anything. I wish, just like my friends, I had helicopter parents who always made sure I had everything I needed, and would go out of their way to accompany me to my interview, or take me to apply for my first job, or help me pick my husband, or gift me my eid dress. Life has indeed been a lonely place.

After all the pity I could spare for myself in a single lifetime, I stopped to think, wiping my tears away, “But wait Zeinab, you were never really, truly alone were you?” Something or some invisible force was always there with me, seeing me through the worst storms of my life, giving me courage to keep going and to never give up. Something was always watching over me, guiding me through my intuition, to follow a path which always somehow turned out to be the best thing I ever experienced. This fact, has made me convinced beyond any doubt, that we are never alone…not really. I am where I am today, because, even if the whole world was too busy to care, this part of me-this invisible force- was always there, heavily invested in my life, watching out for me, sending opportunities of growth and progress my way, making the unbearable, bearable, and never leaving my side not even once. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know its name, but today, right now, I want to thank it from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being there for me, thank you for always guiding me. Thank you that everything I need I seem to get, easily, without any resistance. I am grateful and so happy. I feel blessed.

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