My Maker

There is some part of us that always wants to worry. It is a nasty default setting that centuries of survival have put in us. Somehow we decided that things cannot happen just naturally without our control or actions, but that is hardly the truth. The truth is that if we are honest about our life and how far we have come, most of the things which happened in our favor had nothing to do with our input or direction. Mostly because we didn’t even anticipate or foresee them, they just happened.

Why is it then so hard for us to trust in this same flow of our life, this invisible force which ensures all we need is effortlessly made available to us through unexpected means?

Take for example children, we all were helpless once and we could have died of starvation or exposure but somehow we didn’t. It wasn’t because we got jobs when we were two years old and paid rent and strived to afford milk and baby food to survive, but regardless, we survived. So, my question is who was it that provided for us then, and how is it possible that they would stop caring for us now? You can’t tell me it was parents by virtue that they were parents, because I have heard of several parents who would up and leave their children to starve or throw them in a trash bin, or torture and kill them. So, no it had to be someone else. This person put love in our parents, and if they didn’t love us enough to care, he inspired someone else to be there for us. This person couldn’t leave us then, therefore, he can’t leave us now or never will. Can we learn to trust in this invisible force which loves us and takes care of our needs? Can we surrender to this force and let go of control? Can we release our worries and fears about tomorrow, what we will eat or drink?

What you see with your Mind’s eye, you will see with your eyes

Life without a vision is like a bus without a destination. That dream is in you for a reason. What you imagine your life to be when you close your eyes, that vision, must come true.

When you listen to stories of people who are leading extraordinary lives today, they started with an idea in their mind of where they wished to be. Most of these people came from very poor backgrounds, had a rough childhood, weren’t loved by their parents, slept hungry or were stuck in a harsh reality in which they couldn’t imagine escaping from, but they dared to dream big regardless of how impossible their dream seemed to be.

Life is like that, it will give you all the reasons why you should give up only to watch and see if you will take the bait of hopelessness or not. Those who have really made it in life chose to keep believing in their dream no matter how hard life was. Looking back, if I hadn’t kept going despite the odds against me, I would have taken an easy way out by submitting to the miserable reality of my life. The depression, the anxiety, family tension and poverty almost put me down for good. Lack, chaos, and confusion colored the book of my life. Labels were thrown at me by people who thought I shouldn’t have survived what was put against me. But something in my mind and heart of hearts, always knew I was destined for great things. The vision in my mind’s eye burned bright even as I stood between a rock and a hard place. Reality persisted with its tumultuous challenges but so did I with my faith and vision.

So what is my vision?

Short answer: To live an extraordinary life where I am my happiest, healthiest, free and most expressed.

When I close my eyes, I envision only the most abundant of the most abundant any human being could have and enjoy in a single lifetime. A lifestyle that many of those who have known me and my story would laugh at me for even conceiving such luxury and opulence. I don’t care if they do. I believe that I wouldn’t have imagined it if God hadn’t prepared it for me. In fact, if we believe that time is relative and past, present and future is all combined together, I would be convinced I had lived the life of my dreams in a time of my past which in this moment feels like my future. I might have as well already lived the life of my dreams in a relative time and space. That is why I have such a vivid picture of every detail and how it feels like to be there. That is why I yearn and miss it so much. If that is true, which I believe it to be, then it is only a matter of time!

Happy New Year my good people!: Gratitude Time and a Sneak Peak into my resolutions…

It is finally the 1st of January 2022! How did days go by so fast? I woke up today thinking to myself, What should my new year resolutions be? Or should I just wing it? I mean, I am sure everyone in the world did not see the last two years coming the way they did right? I wonder what they did with their resolutions?

The first thing I did today was take out my notebook and write down the things I am super grateful for in the past year. A lot has happened I cannot pinpoint everything but perhaps, the biggest thing to me was the courage I mastered to return to school and complete my legal studies. I never saw that coming. If you asked me sometime in 2020 if I could see myself living within the school complex and simply committing to learning about the law as much as I could, I would tell you Heck no! So for me, this past year has been instrumental in conquering my fear of Kenya School of Law and for that I am ecstatic!

Secondly, I am grateful for those who supported me this past year, starting with my sister who went out of her way to ensure my transition back into school was a smooth as it could be. It must not have been easy to prioritize my needs when she has so many people to care about and support. Thank you so much sis.

This past year made me learn about myself and allow myself to feel my feelings more than I ever did before. I let myself take it easy every time I fell into my regular pits of depression which sometimes lasted for months on end. During these lonely and scary times, I would normally be too hard on myself, blaming my inaction and inability to function properly. Up until this past year, I did not realize that I was already going through a very difficult time when I was depressed, so much so that it did not help at all to also hate on myself. In fact, it only made recovery that much difficult and impossible. So I am grateful for having the right level of self love and self care to cut myself some slack whenever I am afflicted.

I am also very thankful to my new state of awareness where I am learning to let go of what no longer serves me. I have grown more willing to accept the fact that it is better to be alone by myself( something which you know I despise so much) than to be with the wrong person/group. I know it is not easy to be so alone and single but on my best days, I love and enjoy it and on my worst, well, you and I both know this is a safe space for me to vent my frustrations all out.

Let me not forget to thank God for money. It has been my greatest source of happiness and support overall. I am glad I can treat myself out to meals when I can since I am a foodie. I am also happy I can afford to go shopping and not have to worry about not having enough. For me, this is a great relief since I have suffered a great deal from financial insecurity and I remember how hard it used to be before to even buy a bar of chocolate in spite of my crazy cravings for it, for fear I would have to go over budget. Life has not always been so easy for me especially where money and financial freedom was concerned. So thank you money, I love you so much, please keep coming to me always and forever.

Last but not least, I would like to thank word press for being my safe space where I can freely express myself and my ideas. I am grateful for my increasing subscribers and for the exposure I have to the rest of the world through my blog. I have always dreamt of communicating my ideas with the world and to have a following of people who listened and learned from what I have to share. So thank you so much. creating this blog was one of the best decisions I have ever made and sticking it out four years later was something I had never done before with anything else in my life since we know just how difficult it is for me to commit to something long term without getting bored out of my mind. So thank you so much for my blog and my followers.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

I would love to say I have everything figured out but I would be lying. So please allow me to think up stuff as I write. Thank you.

  1. The first thing which comes to mind is to be able to read as many self help books as I can this year. I wish to grow my “book reviews” page here on my blog and for this to happen, I plan to read at least 15 books this year.
  2. I would like to socialize more. I have been a hermit who is lonely. What a paradox I know! I need to start trusting others more and get out of my pretty little shell.
  3. Lest I forget, it is my goal that this year I meet my future husband no matter what! Haha! You guys know I have been singing about how much I need my man to come into my life so bad. Well, let us turn this into a goal, hoping by doing this, it will up its chances of being realized.
  4. I wish to exercise more self love and self care. This should be top of the list. I plan to pay close attention to what feels good to me and what feels off. I want to make sure I am in touch with myself and I set aside time to pamper and treat myself to a great time.
  5. I wish to open up about how I feel with others. I don’t want to eat up my feelings about anything. I also don’t wish to please others at the expense of my own emotional wellbeing. Therefore, I will say how I feel no matter how unpleasant it may sound to the person hearing it.
  6. I plan to focus on what truly matters and to finish up on the projects I am currently invested in. A better part of this year will be spent preparing for my bar exams and then pupillage. I plan to focus on that and filter out anything else which comes as a distraction. Laser focus!
  7. I plan to create to-do lists everyday so I know exactly what I am doing every day. This will not only help me minimize distractions and time wasting, but it will also make me feel productive and purposeful.
  8. I plan to set aside time to study for my bar exams everyday. I want it to be like a daily routine which I cannot live without. No matter how the day has been or how crappy I feel, I want to be able to do some reading on those law textbooks which have been staying unopened ever since I bought them. They deserve to be read.
  9. I plan to grow my subscriber count on my blog to 150 from the current 80 by the end of 2022.
  10. I wish to conquer my fears slowly by slowly. Whatever they may be, I plan on facing every little thing which I fear one by one this year.
  11. Most importantly, I plan on taking care of my health by eating well and taking more fruits.
  12. I plan on working on myself even as I will be busy doing all these other things. I wish to become a better person, more mature and closer to reaching my fullest potential as a divine being first and foremost, and as a human being second. I wish to reach a superior level of self awareness and consciousness.
  13. I plan to expand my knowledge about the universe and how it works. I wish to learn more about the law of attraction, God, the world, the hereafter, and all other mystical things waiting for me to discover about myself and the world in general.
  14. I plan for 2022 to become the best year of my life yet! This year will see me live the life of my dreams or at least, getting closer to it and establishing the required foundations for the lifestyle of my desire. I expect only miracles and wonderful surprises this year and nothing less!
  15. Lastly, I wish for everyone in the collective consciousness to realize their dreams, accomplish their goals, successfully wrap up their projects and live the best year of their lives!

With that said, Happy new year my good people, I love you so much and thank you for being part of my life this past year and all others before that. Let us walk into 2022 with assurance that this year will right all wrongs, bring world peace and good climate, save the animals and trees and on top of all of that, realize all our hearts’ desires!

Meditation of Love and Forgiveness-Ho’opnopono

I am Sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.

Ho’opnopono

There is something in this world which responds beautifully to these four words: I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you. Speak them often to yourself and to absolutely anything else in your life, and watch as stuff start to change for the better. They say you need to at least do this meditation for 21 days to see the results. I am on day I don’t know but it has been several days now and I am already feeling much better overall.

This powerful meditation has an equally powerful story behind it. A psychiatrist used this healing meditation on a group of hopeless and dangerous lunatics with criminal records whom no doctor could treat and had been left in an abandoned ward and they all ended up fully healed and well. I must say, it was hard to believe at first, given that they are just simple words with no extraordinary meaning to them, however, I have come to realize that they could be life-changing if felt with the heart! They are capable of healing your unresolved traumas, your inner child, your stormy relationships and your negative thought patterns.

Love is healing and so is gratitude. That is why I think the two words, I love you and thank you in this meditation stand out to me the most. Interestingly, this world seems to have been built around a certain wavelength which reacts to any expression of gratitude. For example, if you were to say thank you everyday for everything you have, you would notice that everything else you wanted before keeps on coming to you effortlessly. The more gratitude you show, the more things keep showing up for you to be grateful for. It is a code which responds directly proportional to your level of gratitude.

The miracles this Ho’oponopono meditation could unravel are infinite. I believe only when you have used it to heal yourself and others with whom you have had a falling out, will you be able to see the benefits this meditation holds. Even then, you wouldn’t have seen everything it has to offer you unless you are willing to try it on absolutely anything and everything.

Talking of experimenting, I saw a video where a woman was saying these words to money she was holding in her hands. She spoke to the money as if it was alive and for once I think we could have the answer to solving all our world problems such as poverty, food insecurity, epidemics and wars. Imagine if the whole world were to practice this meditation with intention to alleviate all the disasters mankind has had to endure throughout generations! I believe the world would become heaven itself! Let’s Ho’oponopono our way into 2022, shall we?

You Are Not Alone

Even if it seems otherwise, you are not alone in this world. You didn’t come here, to this 3D world, by yourself. Each one of us has a keeper, and you can call it however you want: God, higher self, divine guide, guardian angel or whatever else tickles your fancy. For it is not the label that matters, on the contrary, intention is everything.

I looked back at my life and I couldn’t help but feel sad because I felt so alone. I had to do everything by myself. People around me seemed to not want to invest their time to help me do anything. I grew up mostly by myself and had to rely on myself to get anything done. Be it admission into school, applying for my passport, Id, tarmacking for jobs, going for interviews, searching for places to stay or big things like choosing my career, what I will cook for Eid, where I will go for vacation, absolutely everything, I had to do it myself. I know some people probably wish they had this freedom and independence, everything, if done in excess, is not good for our health and wellbeing. I crave the feeling of being helped around by someone who cares about me with just the right amount of concern, not bordering on clinginess and overprotectiveness, though. I wish I could live each day, knowing at the back of my mind that my world would not collapse if I did not wake up for a week, because I decided to take a break from doing anything. I wish, just like my friends, I had helicopter parents who always made sure I had everything I needed, and would go out of their way to accompany me to my interview, or take me to apply for my first job, or help me pick my husband, or gift me my eid dress. Life has indeed been a lonely place.

After all the pity I could spare for myself in a single lifetime, I stopped to think, wiping my tears away, “But wait Zeinab, you were never really, truly alone were you?” Something or some invisible force was always there with me, seeing me through the worst storms of my life, giving me courage to keep going and to never give up. Something was always watching over me, guiding me through my intuition, to follow a path which always somehow turned out to be the best thing I ever experienced. This fact, has made me convinced beyond any doubt, that we are never alone…not really. I am where I am today, because, even if the whole world was too busy to care, this part of me-this invisible force- was always there, heavily invested in my life, watching out for me, sending opportunities of growth and progress my way, making the unbearable, bearable, and never leaving my side not even once. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know its name, but today, right now, I want to thank it from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being there for me, thank you for always guiding me. Thank you that everything I need I seem to get, easily, without any resistance. I am grateful and so happy. I feel blessed.

Heal Yourself; How to access your past and future self and be there for them during hard times

Dear reader and esteemed fan of everything spiritual, I am writing this post today, after the sweet aftermath of a gratitude meditation session with Manifest By Jess, a YouTube healer and my go-to gratitude champion. It has been forever since the last time I meditated, which explains why I have been so unfocused and unhappy. Meditation is a true gem which could save our lives if only people made it a priority first thing on their daily to-do lists.

If you are familiar with my journey here on this platform, you would know that I have had to grow up in the most unhealthy, chaotic surroundings without anything stable to ground my young and lost self on. Being here right now, writing this, is a testimony of the miraculous fact that I survived. I am strong and tough, yes, but that doesn’t mean I have no scars. These scars manifest themselves as chronic depression, which lasts months on end and severe anxiety and panic attacks. Given my suffering state of being, it is no wonder I desire healing more than anything else. Abundance therefore, for me means first and foremost, healing of all my wounds which I have suffered as a result of the hell I have been through, followed by freedom to enjoy life without restrictions and all the financial freedom the universe can give me in a single lifetime! I tried many times, to pray for true love, a job, and everything else I thought I needed to be happy and the universe delivered most if not all. While I was thankful of course, for my blessings, I realized that I was still hurting pretty badly, and that if I had healed first, I would have enjoyed everything else so much more. so how does anybody heal from past trauma? is someone going to come and help me heal? I don’t think anyone is coming.

Dale Carnegie, in his book, “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”, told me a story of how he met a man who was looking for solutions to his life problems everywhere else, except in himself. Dale Carnegie then told him the truth we all fear and resent so much: Nobody is coming! Yes, that is true, there is nothing or no one out there who will show up to do the work you should be doing on yourself. And this was tough to hear because I had believed all my life, that God has prepared special angels in the form of helpful people who will reward those who have been suffering with everything they desire, as an incentive for surviving all the difficult times and refusing to give up hope. So, everyday, I would pray to God to hasten the arrival of my soul family, soulmate or that special someone, who would be the answer to my prayers and change my life for the better. You guessed right! This person never came. Why? because the person I was praying for, the one who would heal me and make everything right, was me all along. Let me explain…

If you are familiar with spirituality, you would know that one of the most important hail Marys of this universe, is the saying that time is an illusion. There is only now, this present moment. And if that is true it means, the child me is here right now, going through the worst time of her life, that heartbroken betrayed younger me is crying on that bed right now, that depressed me who cannot get out of bed to eat or wash up is suffering right this minute as I am writing this. This powerful truth is so life-changing. this means that with meditation and intention, you could send energies of healing, love and support to that version of you who is suffering alone. in fact, you could even send them guidance and advice, talk with them, and imagine yourself as if you were there, in that room with them, comforting them, and promising them that you would always be there for them. And the thing is, whether you want to believe it or not, YOU WERE always there for yourself! I know this may be hard to believe but trust me when I tell you, you can heal yourself from trauma, especially the type which does not listen to therapy or pills, by accessing your past self, and in some instances, your future self, through meditation and intention. Try it today! What do you have to lose?

Some affirmations you can use while meditating:

“I send energies of love and healing to my hurting self, in all directions of time and space, past, present and future.”

“My inner child, my younger self, I know you are hurting, please know I am here for you and I love you.”

“You are everything to me, my most important person, who I cherish very much more than anything else in the world, and I will always be there for you , no matter what. Therefore, don’t feel alone. You are never alone.”

“You are worthy and oh so valuable to me. I love you and care about you very much. Know that I am always there for you no matter what.”

These are just some affirmations I use for myself. Feel free to use more specific ones suitable for your situation and your trauma. All the best!

Dissolving the Persona

It took for me to live 27 years of my life to realize that in order for anyone to become their best self, they must shed their old self. I call this process dissolving the persona. This is when you slowly chip away at an unshapely rudimentary rock, to create a beautiful sculpture of the person you want to be; your best self in all ways.

This process can only happen when you decide to allow it. It cannot happen unconsciously. It all begins when you make a choice to let go of the person you have known yourself to be until this point, and all the limitations you have placed upon your own self expression, abilities and dreams.The next step requires you to be daring and brave enough to step into a new identity of your own making and a new story of your life. The difference between the former you and the new you is this: you did not get to choose who you were since you were shaped by your circumstances which were mostly out of your control, whereas, this time, you get to choose who you want to become and control your life and your response to circumstances around you. In other words, before now, life happened to you but now, YOU happen to life, which has no choice but to heed to your every demand.

So why does anyone need to do this? Shouldn’t people just be happy the way they are? Well, are you happy the way you are? Are you living the life of your dreams? Are you living at your highest potential? Do you wake up happy and excited about your life each morning? Or do you dread opening your eyes to start another day? If life is not pleasing anymore, something needs to give. And if it is true that the world is a reflection of your dominant thoughts and attitudes, ideas and beliefs you hold about life and people, and your life sucks right now, then it is time to press DELETE on that folder you call everything about me I know about me that no longer serves me.

You will meet with resistance as you embark on your journey of skin shedding, mostly from yourself, as your old self resists the new and the uncomfortable. But you will take the reigns and slowly, gently push your old self out of the way, out of your way, as you step into a world filled with possibilities, where you could become anything you desire and assume a new identity which works for you, not against you. Through this evolution of self mastery and regeneration, you will become a super human being, who is happier, healthier, wiser and living a meaningful life, in harmony with yourself and everyone and everything around you.

The Interview with the Devil by Napoleon Hill

Napoleon Hill authored a book called, “Outwitting the Devil” which caused me to have several “Ahaa!” moments and those where I felt more his victim than anything else.

So first questions first! Did Napoleon really interview the devil literally or was it the typical stretch of a writer’s imagination? Secondly, in the book, the devil seemed to have no choice out of the interview except to reveal what was asked by Napoleon, my curiosity demands to know what trick Napoleon used to subdue the devil in the interview. Did he use a spell? Did he make a sacrificial ritual like those we see in horror movies? Did he perhaps summon the devil by using some strange drawings of geometrical shapes on the floor with goat’s blood? Is my imagination running away from me?

What the Devil says He Is

Now let us see how the devil describes himself. He says he is energy. So, right there, we have been grossly misled by horror movies to think the devil looks like an angry red man on fire with burning eyes and flesh( thank the TV show Lucifer for that one), some go as far as giving the devil props such as the infamous three-pronged spike.( I don’t know if I got the name right). Anyway, at least now we know from the horse’s mouth what the devil’s true nature is: he is negative energy manifested as fear, poverty, illness, hopelessness, and a bunch of other nasty feelings and conditions we battle with everyday of our ordinary life. In short simple words, the devil is that cigarette you cannot stop smoking, that alcohol you cannot stop drinking, those negative thoughts which keep you in the dark, that deadening feeling of hopelessness, those fears of never having enough, and so on and so forth.

What the devil says he is NOT

So the devil says he has an opposition. Think of it like the story of an asian historical drama, where there are two brothers one who became the crown prince and one who fled to oppose his brother’s reign. Now the devil says he is the crown prince here because he controls 98 percent of the people in the world. Imagine his audacity! I could almost see him smirk. Moving on, he says while God is all that is positive and proactive, in charge of making sure all the planets revolve in their respective orbits and the sun rises and sets okay everyday, the devil has no time to oversee such silly stuff. Why you would ask? He is busy making more than half the world suffer from depression, or dividing countries and pitting them against one another. He is a busy fellow who preys on the minds of toddlers, and sometimes corrupts them before they are even born, through their parents and ancestors. And he will not apologize to anyone about it!

What I think caught my attention was the part where he disclosed that he could only affect people he termed as “drifters” which he explained to mean those who do not think for themselves but simply follow stuff they are told. He went on to say it is the chronic procrastinators of the world( myself included) and those who fall victim to the circumstances life throws at them either in their environment or the people in their life. Just when I heard these words, I was laying on my bed and I shoot up like a tree and started finding something to do. He will possess you if you are idle. That is when he gets room in your mind to sow his dreadful seed of misery. So get busy people! Do something!

A Life Of Service

I think God intended for us to help many people. He does not want us to succeed for ourselves or be satisfied with selfish accomplishments which have only been benefitting us as individuals. I think life purpose or mission in anyone’s life is about what they can do to make other people’s life better with the skills or talents they have been blessed with in this life.

Talent, skills, wealth and health are outright blessings. However, did you know that the challenges, traumas, illnesses, disabilities and every storm we have faced in life are also gifts which we can use to help others who are going through the same? This is what made me open my eyes today. Not everyone who has been tested with what you were was able to make it to where you are. In my case, I have known many families with the same background and challenges as mine whose situation is worse and many youths from those families who were tested like me, but unlike me, have no way out and are trapped in drugs and dropped out of school. How could I not be blessed after seeing how far I have come despite all the odds which were way bigger than me and which threatened to destroy me? If the same odds succeeded to destroy someone else’s life in what seems like irreparable ruin, am I then not blessed?

For this blessing, should I not then feel a sense of purpose to help others who have walked my path of trials and make life better for them? Shouldn’t I set out to make sure I use my skills, talents and experience to make someone’s life better? I don’t have any money to start any big venture but I know I don’t have to wait to get the money I need, when I can start doing something, anything to impact someone’s life. Even if it is just my words of support and encouragement, even if it is just the fact that I made it this far, so can you, who is suffering and fighting against overwhelming giants!

Now that I have figured out this life-changing fact, the next question is what action can I take? What is the next thing I need to do? Where do I start? Who is my audience? Which method can I use to get the ball rolling? Is it by going to local primary and secondary schools and volunteering myself to counsel and guide them? Is it by visiting hospitals and volunteering to pray for the sick? Is it by cleaning the dirty streets in my village? What can I do to help people? Can someone please tell me?

I know it in my heart that God is calling me to action. It is so urgent that I cannot stop feeling this urge nowadays; the urge to do something not for myself, but for random people. Just the other day, I noticed the amount of trash which collected outside and around my home and neighborhood. Immediately, I felt I needed to step out and sweep it all clean by myself, which I did. In that moment, I felt so fulfilled. While I was sweeping, a lady passed by and prayed for me. That felt good. Then sometime later, a kid I begged to come help me load the trash into a sack, happily complied and we were able to finish in a matter of minutes. See? That wasn’t so bad! What I needed was only a broom and a sack. I didn’t need to buy anything, even the sack was given to me by my neighbor. That simple, selfless act of cleaning around the house, which also meant I was cleaning my neighbors’ houses as well since we all live close together, made me realize life is all about the good of the many and the selfless acts we do for others. I will go as far as to say, that if you want to experience joy and fulfillment, or to be cured of depression, go out of your way to do something that won’t be just about you; help as much as you can and start living for the community and not for yourself only.

The Grass is Not Always Greener on the Other Side

I had many reasons to stay unhappy. I am lonely one hundred percent of the time, my relationship status is the famous, “it is complicated”, I am just realizing I suffer from depression and I am too sad to clap for anyone who dares to celebrate anything around this time. I have known in my heart that I could be happier if only I had that perfect boyfriend, that beautiful home, that healthy family, that healthy mindset, that amazing life which has done nothing but remained pathetic and useless stickers on my vision board. If only I could live my dream life, with my dream someone. If only I did not suffer from depression but was healthy and fit. If only I got married earlier instead of choosing to remain a lonely and sad cat lady forever. If only I had done what I loved everyday instead of forcing myself to do anything else. If only…

It is always tempting to think the grass is greener on the other side of the misery we have called our life. It is easy to leave and give up what we are not satisfied with and go after what we think could become our source of happiness. Little do we know that we are where we are with what or who we are stuck with for a reason. That reason could simply be the fact that we need to transform into what we want to have. It could be that we are unhappy because we refuse to change our paradigms. The moment we change how we look at the world, it will change in tandem. Such a simple law, why is it so hard to follow?

I remember how my life used to suck big time. And now that I am here, I realize most, if not all of my pain was caused by my perception of people and things. It was me who hurt me more than anyone else. It was my view of money, relationships, family, home, school and people in general which tormented me. All the while my finger was pointed at that boyfriend who betrayed me, that parent who did not try to get close to me, that neighbour who was spiteful, God who was uncaring and unfair, that family dysfunction, my broken home, my lonely life, my foolish mistakes, money which was not enough and on and on the list went. My life sucked and it was everyone’s fault. And then, there were the Why Me? moments. Why did I not have a healthy family which could support me and be there for me? Why did I have to be born into a family with a history of mental illness? Why did my father have to live far away from me? Why am I a secret child? Why can’t I meet my step sisters and brothers across the world? Why did I choose law and not english literature or creative writing, which are both things I love? Why am I in a complicated relationship when I should be happily married to the man of my dreams? Why me God?Why?

I have to say, the biggest changes happen in the subtlest of ways. I have been transforming big time. Even with so many dreams still out of reach for me at the moment, even as my stubborn reality still mocks me, I have not remained the same. Little by little, one day at a time, I have made progress on my personality, attitude and behavior. For example, my old self would have a hard time communicating how they felt with others. Nowadays, I feel urged by a little inner voice to speak up. Say how you feel, it nudges. And I comply despite my unwillingness, only to feel so happy afterwards, as if a load has been lifted off of my aching, drooping shoulders; shoulders which have carried so much resentment, unspoken feelings, guilt, past hurts, fears, anger, bitterness and shame.

For this reason, I believe that we can only be happy if we change how we see the world around us. There is not going to be any other place, person or thing outside there which could make us fulfilled if we remain the way we are right now. It is important to change and prepare ourselves for our dream person and life. It starts here, inside us, and if that is a happy place, then everywhere else will be too.

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