The Unconscious

My dearest readers, I am here again, well thanks to some Eureka moment which I found myself in from watching, “Devil in Ohio”. And no! This isn’t about the Devil. It is about me and my struggle to understand the effects my childhood trauma has had upon my life. While deliciously mysterious with a strong start to it, the limited series is more about our childhood traumas and how we cope as adults than anything else- atleast to me.

Somewhere in the series, Dr. Suzanne is taking the step we all must take at some point of our life, especially if we had had a less than favorable childhood- seeing a therapist. She finds herself seated before a brain-picking genius of a therapist who spoke to me just as much as she spoke to our Dr. In that scene, she tells her that the reason she wants to save everyone even when it is not convenient for herself or her family, is because she wasn’t saved as a child from an abusive stepfather and a complacent mother. She has three amazing daughters, the last of whom she adopted, if you didn’t count the newest member of her family, an abused run-away girl from a satanic occult group. Apparently, according to the therapist, our Dr. would have saved every lost and unloved child in the universe, if she could. In that moment, when the therapist looked into her eyes and said these simple albeit powerful words, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Dearest reader, I don’t know why exactly these words struck me so deeply. Could it be because, I, like Dr. Suzanne, feel compelled to save others who appear to be in need of saving? Could it perhaps have anything to do with why I am drawn to help little abandoned kittens who have nobody to help them? Is this also why I am scared of being abandoned myself by family and friends? Also, why I am afraid of venturing out into the scary world outside my comfort zone and safe space?

For this reason, and many others, I find myself afraid of anything new. I want to stay with what’s familiar as long as I can, maybe, forever. I don’t want to break free if it means having to leave my safe space and face the uncertainty of the world outside. Outside is not safe. That is what my mind tells me. Nothing is guaranteed I might regret my decision to leave home if things don’t work out wherever it is I would be. I feel like Rapunzel, except if she were offered a chance to flee, I would instead choose to stay in the familiar, safe prison.

A Chasing After the Wind

Dearest readers, what do you think is the purpose of life?

The question has been on my mind forever. I remember all the moments spent raking my brains for an answer to this deceptively simple but oh, colossal question. Do you ever lie down and look up at the serene night sky and wonder why we are alive? I have, more times than I can care to count. And every time, I feel like I couldn’t be further away from the truth.

In my foolish quest I searched for meaning behind existence. I looked to religions, tossing and turning between Allah and Jesus. I looked around for poems, or books, anything which would give me an answer but, nothing!

Sometimes, I walk on the beach early in the morning to try and feel something. Maybe, God will show himself in the sound of waves, or in the whispers of the sea breeze or perhaps, in the patterns of the sea shell which I found lying on the coast line. Nothing.

After sometime, I started to wonder whether the Teacher in Ecclesiastes was right after all, when he said, “Everything is Meaningless”. For even my quest to find life’s meaning, is meaningless-a chasing after the wind!

Pure Joy

Dearest readers I am back again, with an inspiring quote from the Bible. I am sorry I call them quotes but I don’t know how else to refer to them being that I barely know anything about the book. Anyway, the quote I am talking about is found in James 2-10:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

James 2-7

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance

James 2-3

This statement is so powerful. In fact, right now, I needed so much to hear this. Life gets hard, we get flustered and confused. Not only that, but also we become forgetful of all those motivational books we have read and all the odds we have faced before and successfully conquered. Satan, or whoever it is, plants seeds of doubt in our minds and instead of gravitating toward God we pull back and away from Him during our darkest hour. So when in James the Bible read, “Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds,” my heart clicks and the ever-fleeting hope comes back to my heart. It is not all doom and gloom. Somebody went through the same hardships and felt just as hopeless many, many years ago. This means that there is a purpose for our suffering and that is wisdom and maturity.

Another powerful addition to the statement reads: “Let Perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” This means that we DON’T NEED TO DO ANYTHING during our darkest hour. We just need to trust in the process and let go of trying to control our circumstances or escape from our hardships. Those trials we go through serve a higher purpose we may not know about. Our job is to stick it out to the end without giving up or losing faith.

And finally, after all our troubles, we are told, God gives generously without finding fault which to me means that If we truly believe and trust in God in our tough times, if we fight the temptation to lose faith in Him, he will reward us and compensate us. On condition that we BELIEVE we already have what we asked for. This is the climax in that movie when Cinderella gets everything she dreamed of and way more than she could imagine was possible. It sounds easy but it is the hardest part. It is not easy to believe when you are not seeing any improvement. It is even more difficult to wait and hope when the circumstances only continue to get worse and worse. But if we can believe without doubt that God is still with us and for us in the darkest valleys on which we walk, we shall have no fear because our prosperity is guaranteed!

A Time For Everything

Dear Reader, I know I have been quiet, maybe, too quiet. But like everything else, my silence has a reason. You could say I have done the most healing and self-care in silence than any other time. Let me update you on what Has happened this past few weeks.

I have found Jesus in my struggles. Yes on several occasions I found myself calling him to come save me. And perhaps you could say he actually did, or IS doing right now. The universe in some mysterious way arranged for me to see a doctor for my mental health. He talks and I listen. I tell him about all the things I could only say on this blog before. Now, I see this as a huge step in my life since before now, I could only suffer alone, without anyone’s guidance or direction. And OH, HAVE I SUFFERED! You guys stand witness.

On the downside, seeing a doctor means that I am too sleepy to write. Sometimes I felt my mind numb and so I let it. These days, I am slowly finding my voice again. I hope this post is a testament to the fact that indeed nobody will help us if we don’t decide for ourselves to get the help we so desperately need and must have. I don’t know what the future holds but I am at peace with the fact that self-care and healing is finally a top priority in my life as of this moment. Like in the Bible, in Ecclesiastes 3 when it was said: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. Now is my time to heal!

Unnatural

Sometimes I like to do nothing. I know it feels unnatural because we must always be on the move, doing something, anything. Even that guy who posts about Steven, a seagull who got a devoted butler in him at least He IS making a difference in Steven’s life through the simple act of feeding him. So we are wired to do something at any one time. Not doing anything feels unnatural. And that is exactly what I am going to do, nothing!

This idea of doing nothing is powerful! Just imagine if all of us did nothing and just watched life unfold. No worries, no desires, just simple acceptance of this universal and perpetual condition called life. I am sure whoever is running the universe will notice if everyone just did nothing. I bet the whole world would just stop, “Walking dead style” maybe, I don’t know. But that is exactly what this world needs right now: To stop and rebirth itself even if it means we go back to the stone age. I know you may not agree with me but please hear me out.

I don’t totally oppose evolution I love it, I mean it enabled me to sit here and write so you could read my ideas and I would feel like I am contributing to the world, in my own little way and then I won’t have to hate my life so much. Anyway, as I was saying, growth, progress, evolution and revolutions, all these things are not necessarily awful, on the contrary, they have benefitted us and made us civilized beings until up to a point, when it turned us into zombies. Yes! Zombies who are neither dead nor alive.

I feel like a zombie most of the time. This whole world and everyone in it look like zombies to me, stuck in a forever loop of doing this and that and barely truly living. We move around, in the pretext of working hard to live a good life, but when you look at it, we end up exhausted and unhappy. We chase goals and lose out on precious time. We strive today for a better tomorrow which never seems to come. Ever elusive tomorrow is, he doesn’t want to be caught. So, we end up striving for something unattainable, leaving us too frustrated and tired to enjoy the ecstatic joy of doing none of that.

Today I found myself waking up with the most important thought in my mind being making breakfast for myself and my family. I found myself putting a lot of meaning into doing things around the house. And that is how I think most people live. They attach joys to doing and accomplishing tasks in and out of the house. Before they know it, years have passed by and they are still living their life around doing things. I wonder what would happen if we didn’t do anything at all. What would a day be like if we just sat down on a beach and taken in the view of the blanket of sea as far as the horizon? What would happen if we just took off our shoes and felt the wet velvety sand with our toes. What would happen if we were just blissfully mindful of the space we occupy and the air we breath? If we didn’t have to do anything or go anywhere? If we didn’t have to pick a phone call or make one? If we didn’t have people waiting on us? If we didn’t have a 9-5 job which we hate but we can’t avoid? What would happen if we just lived?

Keep Sweet, Pray and Obey

Many times in my life I find myself thinking that we must be in hell. That this life is hell because it feels like torture most of the time. We somehow find ourselves get denied stuff we really need and desire and no matter how much we push on to survive, we are barely even doing that. Things get worse, wars break out, pandemics and natural disasters wipe us out, crazy inflation and the endless cases of depression make life unlivable. I know what that feels like: hell! Then how can this be any place other than hell itself, since it is in hell we are supposed to suffer?

On the other side, on those rare moments of my life, I notice a delicate, self-sustaining and loving system in nature. Rain comes down, the ground livens up and animals graze happily and endlessly on what seems like a forever stretch of green, lush grass. Day time is for action while night time is for recharging our batteries. If terrestrial nature is awesome wait until you watch the wonders in the sea and the deepest oceans of the world. Animals of all shapes and sizes, some even amazingly miraculous which could leave us baffled with awe. Walk by the sea shore during low tide, and pick up one shell and you will see God in the texture and patterns found on it. That is just a single shell. Imagine the force and genius behind every single thing ever seen or touched in the world and you will know that the original plan of whoever made these awesome things was pure love and bliss, so my question is what went wrong? Why does such a carefully and masterfully designed Earth feel like hell?

I will tell you. It is because of us! Yes, you heard me. We humans are the error in the system. We are the glitch, the virus that upsets the entire world. I know this sounds like I hate us but just imagine the Earth without us for just a second. Imagine the animal kingdom without us; it would thrive. The ecosystems and how much everything would have remained unadulterated, uncontaminated, unpolluted and harmonious without us in the picture is an unarguable fact. Without our dogmas, our greed, our water, soil and air pollution, our coal plants and inventions which demand the destruction of the planet in order to be sustained this whole world would have been in a better shape. Not to mention the social and religious systems we have created based on fear and survival. The animals we slaughter and force feed for milk, meat and coat. The utter disrespect we have for the sanctity of life is a slap of disappointment to whoever thought we would be a good addition to the creation of this world; G.o.d himself. No wonder he becomes more and more silent with each passing day, because I would be too had I been him. Imagine all the hard work and consideration which must have gone into the creation of the universe, and based on just a tiny sea shell, the mastery and intricate details that must have gone into that and then it all goes bust because of one species that thinks in order to survive, it has to destroy everything else. God must be too kind to let us live another day. He is too forgiving. If that were any of us, we would have taken care of the glitch in the system a long time ago. We would have uninstalled us from the system!

And it is not enough that we base our innovations on the destruction of the planet and its ecosystems, we also go as far as to enforce dogmas, come up with world orders and all types of manipulation to get power and control the world. We use currency to deprive others of sustenance freely given from the Earth as food by God. We draw lines in the ground to claim what we didn’t create, leaving most homeless and stateless. We deny others travel without a passport and visa as if we created the parts of the Earth from which we deny others free ingress. In order to grow in power we spread our influence across the world in the name of civilization and dictate that our way of living is the right way. We steal and take without asking in the guise of spreading the word of God and we move across the world to teach our language and we make the whole world believe in what we want. Anything else is unwelcome and barbaric. There won’t be any other way except our way!

Are you still not convinced that WE are the problem? So, no this Earthly life is not hell as I once thought, it is us humans who have turned a beautiful place into hell. It is us humans who are hell to this perfect Earth and everyone in it. I am sure as we speak, animals and oceans and everything else under the stars are petitioning or rather, have been petitioning to God to have us removed and annihilated. No wonder we have prophets talking about the judgment day and the last day and whatnot. We must go, period! How? God knows but we must go for the Earth to be safe! Sorry, I am not sorry!

My Journey Towards Compassion: For others and myself

Dear reader, I dare say that the main reason we are here, in a world which resembles hell more than anything else because of the appalling suffering that goes on, is so we can be more compassionate. Like Jesus said, “To love and nothing else”. He knew what he was talking about. We just didn’t listen, as Hans Wilhem so masterfully puts it.

Interestingly, we are in a world system which focuses on capitalism as the drive behind all our actions and goals: Me first, you later. Every man for himself, and God for us all is such a paradox because we forget to realize that God is all of us. If we want God to be for us we need to be of service to others. Hans explained that service is the epitome of love. That we cannot learn to love if we focus on our individual needs and wants and prioritizing them each time without regard for the wellbeing of others. In fact, I would go as far as to claim that nobody could be happy if they chose to ignore the suffering of his brother or sister, which we all are to one another. God didn’t intend for us to separate from the whole. He made us so we would live for one another. If we cannot learn this fundamental truth, we might find ourselves suffering until the end of times, God forbid, until we learn to give to others our love and attention without expecting anything in return.

You know how sometimes we get bitter because things are not happening for us? You know how for example, you would look at your blog and notice not a single person reacted to what you had to say? When this happens, which is more often than I can count, the first thing that comes to my mind is a question: When was the last time I read and reacted to what someone else had to say? I have followed some blogs here on WordPress and those people have just as much important things to talk about as I think I have and they deserve likes too. I immediately go on the Reader and read some of the posts there. I would like and react just the same way I would wish someone to do the same for me. In other words, if you are the first to give, you shouldn’t worry about not receiving. It is guaranteed that you will receive what you give.

And this takes me to my final point, which is perhaps the main reason I got up this morning to write. You and I will always get what we give. I don’t mean to be harsh but even God cannot intervene where this principle applies. If you caused someone pain, you would wish to be forgiven and perhaps you would be but you won’t die before you experience the same pain you caused. You could pray a hundred times and be a saint but you must face the same energy you put out. I am saying this because it happened to me and for me many times than I can recall. Every time someone hurt me I would notice them get hurt the same way. Sometimes it would be soon, others would take longer. In the same manner, I get paid back every time I hurt someone by experiencing the same pain, except that it would be even more painful to me because I would have forgotten why this is happening to me. I would feel like the justified victim until the moment I realized I brought this upon myself and no, God is not going to do anything to make it go away. I just need to do nothing and just let the Karma play itself out. It is the harshest truth but truth nevertheless! Which brings me to the conclusion of this point: It is Karma that reminds us to stay compassionate and considerate of other people’s wellbeing. It is not going to be always about me, in fact, my whole life could be about service to others first and foremost, which is why we cannot pass up on caring for others just as much as we would care for ourselves, if not more.

What The FluFF

I told myself I wasn’t gonna do what everyone was doing. I said I would take time out and rest. If only the world listened, if only it would stop and give me a break. It did just the opposite.

After my bar exams, I went home. Cautiously optimistic that I would get some rest. But ever so evasive rest was I found very little of it. I was caught between cooking this and that and serving three meals a day. It felt as though my entire day was predictable: wake up, cook, think about what to cook next and clean. The utensils glared at me every evening and I dreaded the very innocent act of eating. For it meant cleaning was right after. I cannot rest here. As if I hadn’t had enough, I had my younger sister stay with me which meant I had to wake up at the crack of dawn, iron her uniform, make her early bird’s breakfast and see her off to school only for her to return what appeared to be minutes later for lunch which has to be ready or she complains she was going to be late. This had me on my toes every single day. I felt like the whole world wanted something from me. I felt like there was no air to breath. I wanted to vanish into nothingness.

I have but two things which I suspect are the reason I hate my life right now: One, is my fear of loneliness which causes me to choose to be around just about anyone so I could avoid being alone because it is dreadful. Secondly, I know in my heart that I am not happy with where I am and what I have been investing my energy and time into and I just don’t know how to start over. How do you stop the clock from running? How do I sign away having to do pupillage when I have to because I pretty much feel tired and out of sorts? Everyone seems to be doing just fine and half if not all my classmates have begun their pupillage and I am feeling the pressure to start somewhere, anywhere. Except my body and mind feel like taking another month or two off, resting on an island in the middle of nowhere without people or phone reception and just LIVE. You know, that thing which nobody seems to be doing anymore and they seemingly don’t care. I want to scream into the matrix and tell whoever is forcing everyone to be on the go all the time to just leave me alone! Why must I always have to DO something, Go somewhere, WORK HARD? Why can’t I just breath and live normally like we were supposed to?

Is the fear of not having money perhaps the cause of all my problems? Is not having a source of income if I don’t work myself to death the reason why I am not living? Could I really live and not have anything to eat, or no water to drink? Is life all about eating and drinking? If that is the case, then it is not worth it and being alive is a mean, sick joke!

Dear reader, I have always believed that there was an easier way to live this rather chaotic life which is to live it first and foremost, meaning that we need to be PRESENT in every moment and enjoy everything, including breathing and feeling being in our bodies. That also includes letting go of fear of failure or lack and embracing life as it is without seeking anything more than what naturally comes our way. Whatever comes ,comes, whatever goes, goes. Naturally, the force that put us here takes care of us and provides for us. Don’t ask me how for I am yet to figure this one out. But just know that we are not alone at least I wouldn’t like to think we are because then we want to enact Spartacus in real life and everyone is out for themselves and we can’t afford to take a day off from work because we will be hungry and it is do or die. That endless run on the hamster wheel needs to stop, at least for me and my life. I must stop it so I can breath and start living again! I don’t want to have to keep going when I feel so worn out and tired of everything! I want to rest and to live.

You Are Not What You Think by David Richo

When we are in harmony with all that is, then our self-centeredness vanishes and with it, every trace of self-doubt. Now we trust the universe completely. When we imagine that our armors of ego defenses is who we are, all we are, we are caught in a case of mistaken identity.

David Richo in You are Not What You Think.

The most outstanding thing about this book is the fact that it does not advocate for the elimination of ego in our life like most books about selflessness do, but instead, it says there are times when we can use the good parts of our ego when required and others we can leave it out.

If you were familiar with spiritual books you would notice how ego has a bad rep in that world. If you wish to ascend to your higher self, the authors of these books would tell you the only way was to let go of your ego identity which they would claim to be the source of all our spiritual and emotional blockages. However, in this book, the author, David Richo makes it clear from the start that ego is not totally bad or unnecessary but that it has its own benefits which could help us in unique times such as when you are in dire need of some will power and self-pride the type that is required to survive storms which are calling for a serious dose of self-esteem and selfishness such as entanglements with narcissistic people who prey on our selflessness and low levels of self-esteem.

As I read this book, I am intuitively receiving answers about my current dilemma of self-sacrifice soul contracts which I wrote about in my preceding post. The issue I have is I constantly find myself overly-compassionate to others who seem wounded, neglected or unloved. I want to be there for them, love them and give them affection and care even at the cost of my own wellbeing, and that has been most of the times if not all. However, what I didn’t tell you was that almost all of these seemingly painful relationships had their blessings. For example, caring for my grandma has been a blessing in disguise, I have not only learned to be compassionate and selfless despite seeing my mother walk away and choosing herself each time over her family, I have also attracted loving and giving relationships with others who support me as I support my grandma. I seem to get whatever I need as long as I step outside my ego needs and wants to accommodate and love others without wanting anything in return. In addition, these intuitive messages today, are telling me that I have come to this world, in this life time to learn to give and to care for others, a necessary lesson which I might have skipped on before. Ironically, when you are supposed to learn to be more loving, you get egotistic parents, neglectful and shitty childhood which paradoxically is supposed to teach you how valuable and life-changing compassion and care is. Just imagine had I just one person in my childhood who could care for me wholeheartedly and give me love, it would have been life-changing for me young self. Probably, I wouldn’t be here writing about soul contracts of compassion. Yes, that is how I will call them now: soul contracts of compassion and not self-sacrifice. The only thing you are sacrificing in my place would be your egoism and egotism, the former being a healthier version of ego as compared to the latter according to the author.

For this very reason, I have come to find enlightenment from this book, which I believe will help you too with self-awareness. With this book, I have come to know that the relationships which have caused me the most harm in the past are those with egoistic and egotistic men who only look out for themselves and who couldn’t think beyond their selfish interests. Now I understand why they never said sorry or wanted to commit because an egotistic person never submits, never admits and definitely, never commits as the author so well put it. I have never felt so self-aware like I am now as I read this book and it has only been an hour. Just imagine what I could learn by the end of this book!

Finally, this book couldn’t have come at a better time! I have been faced with a choice between compassion( formerly feared as self-sacrifice by my unenlightened former self), and selfishness. I was more than willing to choose myself, had it not been for this book I would have passed up this lesson of compassion present in this major choice of my life and ultimately, delayed my learning process in this life time. I am now thinking of surrendering to the teacher whoever they may be, to teach me what I need to learn in order to move on from this school. Haha! This reminds me of a time when I told God that I was a quick learner and that he didn’t need to send me the same lessons over and over again for the same purpose. I don’t know about you, but I am not willing to postpone or retake any lesson in this life time. If I can jump classes I would just so I could move on sooner to a better world, a higher level of being.

The Caretaker Soul Contract

Photo credit: Alise Hicks @ https://medium.com/@alisehicks/the-end-of-self-sacrifice-the-beginning-of-self-love-and-boundaries-cea19e8900ff

Hi my people! Sorry for taking so long to post. I have been busy, fulfilling my soul contract I had made some hundred years ago with the person who is my grandma in this life. The contract is not a complex one, it just entails a decade or more of taking care of her, making her tea which she loves very much, listening to her talk about ghosts and ghouls and giving her meals and anything else she needs. Come to think of it, this contact wasn’t one sided: She took care of me when I was little and that is why I grew up calling her mum and not granny. Well, everything you need to know about my childhood you can derive from that simple statement.

Like any good contract, it is reciprocal. Meaning that I scratch your back you scratch mine. She was there for me, I am there for her. It is not physics. Simple as that!

However, problem comes when a pattern arises, which calls on me to play this “caretaker” role in the long-lasting relationships of my life, such as marriage. For example, I have a tendency of attracting broken souls. The wounded and the damaged. Those who need something from me. I attract them like a magnet. I find myself feeling sorry for them when they don’t deserve it and giving to them all of myself. These kind of contracts are destructive or potentially so and they leave me distraught and depressed. I believe they are karmic ones. And no, they are not reciprocal. They are “taking” contracts because when they are done with me, after several cycles of pain and suffering on my part, I am left counting my losses and licking my wounds by myself.

Recently, I received an attractive offer. Attractive, yes, like that snake whose coat is too shiny to convince you it couldn’t hurt a fly. For how come something so perfect and beautiful could cause any harm? Well, I had mixed emotions: Firstly, a voice in my head was screaming, “soul contract! Run Away!”. Secondly, I recall there was a time in my life, some four or five years ago, where I had wanted this very much. Of course, back then, I was blissfully ignorant, spiritually asleep and playing my role beautifully like any human in the matrix of things.

I didn’t know then what I know now which is that nobody ever comes in your life, except those you have contracted with at a soul level before you reincarnated. Michael Mirdad puts it this way, “No one comes into your air space unless they made a contract with you.” And that simple powerful statement is ground-breaking because this means everyone in our life, those we love and those we learn from, are familiar souls we have made an agreement with to love us or hate us, to give us or take from us.

With this powerful knowledge in my hands, I cannot help but think twice about any relationship ffer in this life time. If my choice has any effect in the matter, I would like to exercise that right to prevent any unnecessary suffering disguised as lessons. No, thank you, I have learned enough already in my twenty eight years and many more before that to put myself through another cycle of self-sacrificing and caretaking like some blind bat that refuses to learn.

For this very reason, I am weary and overly cautious of this offer which was made to me. This offer is very familiar to the past relationship dynamics where I gave and not received, where I was left drained and empty, where I had to take care of someone at the expense of my own wellbeing. The offer is almost like an insult by the universe. That is how it feels like because I prayed and prayed for a family and for marriage only to have this offer come up soon after. I wonder, is God testing me to see whether I have learned to put myself first before others or not? Perhaps, if God is not involved with this contract, if I made it myself before, am I being called to fulfill it now? Does it mean I cannot get out of it? Does it mean if I should desire marriage and a family, getting into this dynamic with this person is the only way for me? Does it then mean I must stay single or become a caretaker for life?

“I plea insanity!” Is what Michael Mirdad said, concerning soul contracts of caretaking and self-sacrificing for others. Yes I made them, I might have made them but I was insane. Yes, insane because nobody in their right mind would bind themselves to a one-sided contract of self-sacrifice and caretaking unless they were insane, or ignorant of the full facts. Now ignorance may not be a defense but insanity sure is. I was insane when I made those contracts of self-sacrifice and caretaking and now I render them all invalid.

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