Pure Joy

Dearest readers I am back again, with an inspiring quote from the Bible. I am sorry I call them quotes but I don’t know how else to refer to them being that I barely know anything about the book. Anyway, the quote I am talking about is found in James 2-10:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

James 2-7

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance

James 2-3

This statement is so powerful. In fact, right now, I needed so much to hear this. Life gets hard, we get flustered and confused. Not only that, but also we become forgetful of all those motivational books we have read and all the odds we have faced before and successfully conquered. Satan, or whoever it is, plants seeds of doubt in our minds and instead of gravitating toward God we pull back and away from Him during our darkest hour. So when in James the Bible read, “Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds,” my heart clicks and the ever-fleeting hope comes back to my heart. It is not all doom and gloom. Somebody went through the same hardships and felt just as hopeless many, many years ago. This means that there is a purpose for our suffering and that is wisdom and maturity.

Another powerful addition to the statement reads: “Let Perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” This means that we DON’T NEED TO DO ANYTHING during our darkest hour. We just need to trust in the process and let go of trying to control our circumstances or escape from our hardships. Those trials we go through serve a higher purpose we may not know about. Our job is to stick it out to the end without giving up or losing faith.

And finally, after all our troubles, we are told, God gives generously without finding fault which to me means that If we truly believe and trust in God in our tough times, if we fight the temptation to lose faith in Him, he will reward us and compensate us. On condition that we BELIEVE we already have what we asked for. This is the climax in that movie when Cinderella gets everything she dreamed of and way more than she could imagine was possible. It sounds easy but it is the hardest part. It is not easy to believe when you are not seeing any improvement. It is even more difficult to wait and hope when the circumstances only continue to get worse and worse. But if we can believe without doubt that God is still with us and for us in the darkest valleys on which we walk, we shall have no fear because our prosperity is guaranteed!

I didn’t Pay for My Sleep This Week

It is 4 in the morning and I tried very hard to get an hour of sleep. In fact, this whole week I have struggled with getting any sleep but instead found myself watching Netflix or stuck in the dimension of You Tube Shorts for hours on end. Oh yes! This feels familiar: it is time for another one of my depressive episodes. How long is this gonna last? God knows, or the devil, Idk!

Looks like I didn’t pay for my sleep this past two weeks. OMG, it has already been that long. The thing about depression is that you can easily lose track of time, or your life! How else would you not if you slept only when it was day time and stayed up like the vampire that you are all through the night? Unless the whole world starts shifting working hours to after dusk and schools open at night time, life will pass you by whilst in this state. I just hope God will fight for me and with me this time. I hope whatever this is, God will stand by me and see me through. I let God do what only he can do!

Keep Sweet, Pray and Obey

Many times in my life I find myself thinking that we must be in hell. That this life is hell because it feels like torture most of the time. We somehow find ourselves get denied stuff we really need and desire and no matter how much we push on to survive, we are barely even doing that. Things get worse, wars break out, pandemics and natural disasters wipe us out, crazy inflation and the endless cases of depression make life unlivable. I know what that feels like: hell! Then how can this be any place other than hell itself, since it is in hell we are supposed to suffer?

On the other side, on those rare moments of my life, I notice a delicate, self-sustaining and loving system in nature. Rain comes down, the ground livens up and animals graze happily and endlessly on what seems like a forever stretch of green, lush grass. Day time is for action while night time is for recharging our batteries. If terrestrial nature is awesome wait until you watch the wonders in the sea and the deepest oceans of the world. Animals of all shapes and sizes, some even amazingly miraculous which could leave us baffled with awe. Walk by the sea shore during low tide, and pick up one shell and you will see God in the texture and patterns found on it. That is just a single shell. Imagine the force and genius behind every single thing ever seen or touched in the world and you will know that the original plan of whoever made these awesome things was pure love and bliss, so my question is what went wrong? Why does such a carefully and masterfully designed Earth feel like hell?

I will tell you. It is because of us! Yes, you heard me. We humans are the error in the system. We are the glitch, the virus that upsets the entire world. I know this sounds like I hate us but just imagine the Earth without us for just a second. Imagine the animal kingdom without us; it would thrive. The ecosystems and how much everything would have remained unadulterated, uncontaminated, unpolluted and harmonious without us in the picture is an unarguable fact. Without our dogmas, our greed, our water, soil and air pollution, our coal plants and inventions which demand the destruction of the planet in order to be sustained this whole world would have been in a better shape. Not to mention the social and religious systems we have created based on fear and survival. The animals we slaughter and force feed for milk, meat and coat. The utter disrespect we have for the sanctity of life is a slap of disappointment to whoever thought we would be a good addition to the creation of this world; G.o.d himself. No wonder he becomes more and more silent with each passing day, because I would be too had I been him. Imagine all the hard work and consideration which must have gone into the creation of the universe, and based on just a tiny sea shell, the mastery and intricate details that must have gone into that and then it all goes bust because of one species that thinks in order to survive, it has to destroy everything else. God must be too kind to let us live another day. He is too forgiving. If that were any of us, we would have taken care of the glitch in the system a long time ago. We would have uninstalled us from the system!

And it is not enough that we base our innovations on the destruction of the planet and its ecosystems, we also go as far as to enforce dogmas, come up with world orders and all types of manipulation to get power and control the world. We use currency to deprive others of sustenance freely given from the Earth as food by God. We draw lines in the ground to claim what we didn’t create, leaving most homeless and stateless. We deny others travel without a passport and visa as if we created the parts of the Earth from which we deny others free ingress. In order to grow in power we spread our influence across the world in the name of civilization and dictate that our way of living is the right way. We steal and take without asking in the guise of spreading the word of God and we move across the world to teach our language and we make the whole world believe in what we want. Anything else is unwelcome and barbaric. There won’t be any other way except our way!

Are you still not convinced that WE are the problem? So, no this Earthly life is not hell as I once thought, it is us humans who have turned a beautiful place into hell. It is us humans who are hell to this perfect Earth and everyone in it. I am sure as we speak, animals and oceans and everything else under the stars are petitioning or rather, have been petitioning to God to have us removed and annihilated. No wonder we have prophets talking about the judgment day and the last day and whatnot. We must go, period! How? God knows but we must go for the Earth to be safe! Sorry, I am not sorry!

My Journey Towards Compassion: For others and myself

Dear reader, I dare say that the main reason we are here, in a world which resembles hell more than anything else because of the appalling suffering that goes on, is so we can be more compassionate. Like Jesus said, “To love and nothing else”. He knew what he was talking about. We just didn’t listen, as Hans Wilhem so masterfully puts it.

Interestingly, we are in a world system which focuses on capitalism as the drive behind all our actions and goals: Me first, you later. Every man for himself, and God for us all is such a paradox because we forget to realize that God is all of us. If we want God to be for us we need to be of service to others. Hans explained that service is the epitome of love. That we cannot learn to love if we focus on our individual needs and wants and prioritizing them each time without regard for the wellbeing of others. In fact, I would go as far as to claim that nobody could be happy if they chose to ignore the suffering of his brother or sister, which we all are to one another. God didn’t intend for us to separate from the whole. He made us so we would live for one another. If we cannot learn this fundamental truth, we might find ourselves suffering until the end of times, God forbid, until we learn to give to others our love and attention without expecting anything in return.

You know how sometimes we get bitter because things are not happening for us? You know how for example, you would look at your blog and notice not a single person reacted to what you had to say? When this happens, which is more often than I can count, the first thing that comes to my mind is a question: When was the last time I read and reacted to what someone else had to say? I have followed some blogs here on WordPress and those people have just as much important things to talk about as I think I have and they deserve likes too. I immediately go on the Reader and read some of the posts there. I would like and react just the same way I would wish someone to do the same for me. In other words, if you are the first to give, you shouldn’t worry about not receiving. It is guaranteed that you will receive what you give.

And this takes me to my final point, which is perhaps the main reason I got up this morning to write. You and I will always get what we give. I don’t mean to be harsh but even God cannot intervene where this principle applies. If you caused someone pain, you would wish to be forgiven and perhaps you would be but you won’t die before you experience the same pain you caused. You could pray a hundred times and be a saint but you must face the same energy you put out. I am saying this because it happened to me and for me many times than I can recall. Every time someone hurt me I would notice them get hurt the same way. Sometimes it would be soon, others would take longer. In the same manner, I get paid back every time I hurt someone by experiencing the same pain, except that it would be even more painful to me because I would have forgotten why this is happening to me. I would feel like the justified victim until the moment I realized I brought this upon myself and no, God is not going to do anything to make it go away. I just need to do nothing and just let the Karma play itself out. It is the harshest truth but truth nevertheless! Which brings me to the conclusion of this point: It is Karma that reminds us to stay compassionate and considerate of other people’s wellbeing. It is not going to be always about me, in fact, my whole life could be about service to others first and foremost, which is why we cannot pass up on caring for others just as much as we would care for ourselves, if not more.

I Followed My Intuition and it led me to…

After a serious bowling with tears, snort and all I felt a strange wave of silence. The light bugs knocking against the fluorescent light in my bedroom suddenly stopped. It was as if I had finally caught the universe or God’s attention. I was in pain, misery doesn’t even begin to describe the state of shambles I was in at the time. I wanted it to end: the timeline of hell I had been stuck inside of, the cycle of anxiety that went on and on, endlessly torturing me and my heart, or whatever remains of it, which is ready to rewind the day I was born and erase it from the record of life. I was unhappy in every sense of the word and in every synonym and vocabulary ever invented to describe being in that hellish state.

I had given up hope on my vocation, because it didn’t bring me joy. I tried my best to hold back the time I would have to return to it but that time was cut short. What happened? Just when I was trying to manifest a fresh start which would guarantee a peaceful existence writing, reading and painting and having nothing to do with the crippling anxiety of the lackluster rigidity we call the law profession, I received a call for an interview for pupillage. I am sure most people would be happy to ever be shortlisted but in my case, I was having a serious case of heart palpitations. It was downhill from there. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t hear people talking and I dreaded ever having picked that call in the first place. Esther Hicks once said, you knew it wasn’t the right path for you by how it made you feel. So far, everything to do with law just never felt right. I recall the many times I broke down depressed or went into undergraduate exams completely blank. In addition, even after many years have passed, I still couldn’t learn to love it. And that says a lot!(I am naturally bubbling with love which could fill the whole world and then a planet)

I had to travel the very next day since the interview was going to be just a day away, a fact that lit my chest with even more fire that had every intention of exploding. I felt my new-found painting days dissolving into thin air and my new found sense of freedom and peace floating away to become clouds which looked like faces of people smirking as if to mock me, ” You think you could get away so easy?”.

I wanted my freedom, I tricked myself into thinking I had found it at last forgetting that as long as you are a lawyer, freedom only exists as measly statements on those rare occasions in your copy-pasted pleadings as you try to claim the right to liberty which is a joke in itself: The whole world is a prison where people dream of one thing and then end up paying hundreds of thousands to learn the exact opposite of what they love and because they have invested all that money and time getting depressed and unhappy, they get stuck because now they must take it upon yourself to suffer even more doing what they hate just so they could pay rent, eat and survive.

Anyway back to the topic, as the flight took off I felt even more uneasy as I thought of why I was still doing this even when every fiber of my being screamed, ” No! Free Yourself!”. I took a copy of the Quran in hopes of silencing that voice that has now been drilling holes into my brain trying to wake it up. I prayed and read the words of God hoping God in his own handwriting would write , “Go home my daughter! Fluff the interview. I set you free!” on the fluffy blanket of clouds which were now engulfing us. But he didn’t. I felt torn between going and suddenly not and I know it might sound funny because I was already in the air flying. But as God would have it, there was a stop of a few minutes midway and that is when my heart just couldn’t take it anymore. It actually came out of my chest, blood and all, and talked to me with a mouth in its face.(Yes, hearts do have mouths like us and can talk to us in those rare moments when we refuse to listen to its polite nudgings) It said to my face as I watched in horror, “Fluffing get up and get off this flight deafnuts!” And I found myself on my feet in a second and asking the attendants if they could allow people to alight midway. When they said yes I couldn’t believe my ears! I found my mouth against the better judgment of my brain, smiling from ear to ear and the following words came out of my mouth, “I am following my intuition. This is gonna be exciting!” And before long, I was collecting my bags and walking into a town with no idea where I would go or what I would do except that it felt right. This place felt right!

What The FluFF

I told myself I wasn’t gonna do what everyone was doing. I said I would take time out and rest. If only the world listened, if only it would stop and give me a break. It did just the opposite.

After my bar exams, I went home. Cautiously optimistic that I would get some rest. But ever so evasive rest was I found very little of it. I was caught between cooking this and that and serving three meals a day. It felt as though my entire day was predictable: wake up, cook, think about what to cook next and clean. The utensils glared at me every evening and I dreaded the very innocent act of eating. For it meant cleaning was right after. I cannot rest here. As if I hadn’t had enough, I had my younger sister stay with me which meant I had to wake up at the crack of dawn, iron her uniform, make her early bird’s breakfast and see her off to school only for her to return what appeared to be minutes later for lunch which has to be ready or she complains she was going to be late. This had me on my toes every single day. I felt like the whole world wanted something from me. I felt like there was no air to breath. I wanted to vanish into nothingness.

I have but two things which I suspect are the reason I hate my life right now: One, is my fear of loneliness which causes me to choose to be around just about anyone so I could avoid being alone because it is dreadful. Secondly, I know in my heart that I am not happy with where I am and what I have been investing my energy and time into and I just don’t know how to start over. How do you stop the clock from running? How do I sign away having to do pupillage when I have to because I pretty much feel tired and out of sorts? Everyone seems to be doing just fine and half if not all my classmates have begun their pupillage and I am feeling the pressure to start somewhere, anywhere. Except my body and mind feel like taking another month or two off, resting on an island in the middle of nowhere without people or phone reception and just LIVE. You know, that thing which nobody seems to be doing anymore and they seemingly don’t care. I want to scream into the matrix and tell whoever is forcing everyone to be on the go all the time to just leave me alone! Why must I always have to DO something, Go somewhere, WORK HARD? Why can’t I just breath and live normally like we were supposed to?

Is the fear of not having money perhaps the cause of all my problems? Is not having a source of income if I don’t work myself to death the reason why I am not living? Could I really live and not have anything to eat, or no water to drink? Is life all about eating and drinking? If that is the case, then it is not worth it and being alive is a mean, sick joke!

Dear reader, I have always believed that there was an easier way to live this rather chaotic life which is to live it first and foremost, meaning that we need to be PRESENT in every moment and enjoy everything, including breathing and feeling being in our bodies. That also includes letting go of fear of failure or lack and embracing life as it is without seeking anything more than what naturally comes our way. Whatever comes ,comes, whatever goes, goes. Naturally, the force that put us here takes care of us and provides for us. Don’t ask me how for I am yet to figure this one out. But just know that we are not alone at least I wouldn’t like to think we are because then we want to enact Spartacus in real life and everyone is out for themselves and we can’t afford to take a day off from work because we will be hungry and it is do or die. That endless run on the hamster wheel needs to stop, at least for me and my life. I must stop it so I can breath and start living again! I don’t want to have to keep going when I feel so worn out and tired of everything! I want to rest and to live.

The Caretaker Soul Contract

Photo credit: Alise Hicks @ https://medium.com/@alisehicks/the-end-of-self-sacrifice-the-beginning-of-self-love-and-boundaries-cea19e8900ff

Hi my people! Sorry for taking so long to post. I have been busy, fulfilling my soul contract I had made some hundred years ago with the person who is my grandma in this life. The contract is not a complex one, it just entails a decade or more of taking care of her, making her tea which she loves very much, listening to her talk about ghosts and ghouls and giving her meals and anything else she needs. Come to think of it, this contact wasn’t one sided: She took care of me when I was little and that is why I grew up calling her mum and not granny. Well, everything you need to know about my childhood you can derive from that simple statement.

Like any good contract, it is reciprocal. Meaning that I scratch your back you scratch mine. She was there for me, I am there for her. It is not physics. Simple as that!

However, problem comes when a pattern arises, which calls on me to play this “caretaker” role in the long-lasting relationships of my life, such as marriage. For example, I have a tendency of attracting broken souls. The wounded and the damaged. Those who need something from me. I attract them like a magnet. I find myself feeling sorry for them when they don’t deserve it and giving to them all of myself. These kind of contracts are destructive or potentially so and they leave me distraught and depressed. I believe they are karmic ones. And no, they are not reciprocal. They are “taking” contracts because when they are done with me, after several cycles of pain and suffering on my part, I am left counting my losses and licking my wounds by myself.

Recently, I received an attractive offer. Attractive, yes, like that snake whose coat is too shiny to convince you it couldn’t hurt a fly. For how come something so perfect and beautiful could cause any harm? Well, I had mixed emotions: Firstly, a voice in my head was screaming, “soul contract! Run Away!”. Secondly, I recall there was a time in my life, some four or five years ago, where I had wanted this very much. Of course, back then, I was blissfully ignorant, spiritually asleep and playing my role beautifully like any human in the matrix of things.

I didn’t know then what I know now which is that nobody ever comes in your life, except those you have contracted with at a soul level before you reincarnated. Michael Mirdad puts it this way, “No one comes into your air space unless they made a contract with you.” And that simple powerful statement is ground-breaking because this means everyone in our life, those we love and those we learn from, are familiar souls we have made an agreement with to love us or hate us, to give us or take from us.

With this powerful knowledge in my hands, I cannot help but think twice about any relationship ffer in this life time. If my choice has any effect in the matter, I would like to exercise that right to prevent any unnecessary suffering disguised as lessons. No, thank you, I have learned enough already in my twenty eight years and many more before that to put myself through another cycle of self-sacrificing and caretaking like some blind bat that refuses to learn.

For this very reason, I am weary and overly cautious of this offer which was made to me. This offer is very familiar to the past relationship dynamics where I gave and not received, where I was left drained and empty, where I had to take care of someone at the expense of my own wellbeing. The offer is almost like an insult by the universe. That is how it feels like because I prayed and prayed for a family and for marriage only to have this offer come up soon after. I wonder, is God testing me to see whether I have learned to put myself first before others or not? Perhaps, if God is not involved with this contract, if I made it myself before, am I being called to fulfill it now? Does it mean I cannot get out of it? Does it mean if I should desire marriage and a family, getting into this dynamic with this person is the only way for me? Does it then mean I must stay single or become a caretaker for life?

“I plea insanity!” Is what Michael Mirdad said, concerning soul contracts of caretaking and self-sacrificing for others. Yes I made them, I might have made them but I was insane. Yes, insane because nobody in their right mind would bind themselves to a one-sided contract of self-sacrifice and caretaking unless they were insane, or ignorant of the full facts. Now ignorance may not be a defense but insanity sure is. I was insane when I made those contracts of self-sacrifice and caretaking and now I render them all invalid.

Changing the Narrative

Life is great. Everything is working out perfectly. I am positively surprised with how things are turning out for the good of everyone. My family is a joy to be around. Wait! Wasn’t I so worried about coming back here just last week? I remember crying about it to God and wishing I was far, far away from home as possible. So, what changed? My narrative!

I told my mind I was going to get along with my family, at least for the most part. I said I was going to try and speak how I feel instead of shouting how I feel. There is a huge difference between the two, for the obvious reason that the former gets people to listen to you and respond better whereas, the latter just gives you a sore throat, makes a bad day terrible and induces an unwanted headache. Not to mention the severe depressive episodes which follow after every fight or break down. Emotions are meant to be controlled. My ultimate goal right now is to stay on top of them as much as I can. If I could turn myself into the calmest, most collected monk in the world I would.

Perhaps, many wise people have spoken about the power of changing the story we tell about our life to ourselves and others, but mostly our own minds. The mind is like a child, it will believe what you tell it. Is today a bad day? Okay. He hates you? Alright! Your family is intolerable! Absolutely. There is a reason why we are unhappy and 99% of the time it has everything to do with the stories we hold onto and refuse to let go of. If at some point we had a rough time and we suffered, the mind gets used to this suffering and I would say it does more than that by actually marrying it and integrating it into its system of thoughts and emotions. We forget to move on and divorce these memories of pain and dysfunction and subconsciously keep dragging the same baggage with us wherever we go like the bowels in our gut. On the outside we look groomed and neat, but in our bellies, poop is getting made by the hour which we carry around inside of us everywhere we go.

It is for this reason that we must update the system of our thoughts and check which stories our minds are currently playing about our life, our love or lack of it, our spouses, our homes, our work and even that last time you tasted mango and decided it gives you gas. Can you check to see whether mangoes actually give gas or whether you just ate too much diary that day and being lactose intolerant, you assumed the mango was the culprit when it was you all along. It is interesting when you start being aware of the thoughts running through your mind. If you listen to them with detachment, you will notice a pattern, a narrative. It is this very narrative you must question whether it serves you or not. And if not, changing it is the only solution to your life problems. Turn over that fresh page and start writing your new story!

Our Comfort Zone

It is hard to step out into the wild. Cats will tell you how cold or hot outside is. They absolutely love and enjoy the attention and home we provide. Outside is tough. Everyone knows that. Even Will Smith.

However, what if I told you, everything you desire is found outside your comfort zone. The freedom, the adventure, the love of your life, the achievement and success you so very much desire. All of these things and more demand of us to let go and step out of what we have already known and grown comfortable around. Think about it. Had you been happy and fulfilled where you are you wouldn’t have these dreams about a better life and a happier lifestyle. Trying to cling onto your space or your habits because you fear the unknown is only going to make you stuck and reduce your options.

I lived like this for a while, refusing to face anything new or uncertain. I believed the world outside to be unsafe and anything new was scary. Especially if it was something which required me to move from my own space and venture into the new and the unknown. I held on to the life I had known for dear life. What is interesting to note is that I was so miserable in that version of life. I was unfulfilled and stressed. I would be sad and go into depression which lasted for weeks if not months. I would feel stifled by the stagnation and the lack of new prospects. But still the fear of leaving that familiar hell was daunting. At that point I should have known that anywhere else would be better than where I was at the time. Only after I had made the brave choice to step out of there did I realize how miserable I had been. I wish I had left earlier.

The universe will push you out of your comfort zone if you refuse to step out voluntarily. I believe life doesn’t want us to stagnate. We must keep moving and growing by challenging ourselves this way and that until we shed what no longer serves us and realize our full potential. One such instance which happened to me was when the place I used to work at turned so toxic that I was dying. That is when I knew staying there wasn’t an option any longer. I had to move on. Prior to that, I had found joy and excitement in the work I was doing and the new stuff I was learning but once that place served its purpose in my life, once the people there had served their purpose in my life, it was time to face bigger challenges and grow in bigger ways elsewhere.

For this reason, I find that nobody should hold onto anything for long. We should learn to read the sign when the time is up and move along with the flow of life. Resisting change will only cause us pain and undue suffering. Life is constant motion and we are part of that movement.

My Maker

There is some part of us that always wants to worry. It is a nasty default setting that centuries of survival have put in us. Somehow we decided that things cannot happen just naturally without our control or actions, but that is hardly the truth. The truth is that if we are honest about our life and how far we have come, most of the things which happened in our favor had nothing to do with our input or direction. Mostly because we didn’t even anticipate or foresee them, they just happened.

Why is it then so hard for us to trust in this same flow of our life, this invisible force which ensures all we need is effortlessly made available to us through unexpected means?

Take for example children, we all were helpless once and we could have died of starvation or exposure but somehow we didn’t. It wasn’t because we got jobs when we were two years old and paid rent and strived to afford milk and baby food to survive, but regardless, we survived. So, my question is who was it that provided for us then, and how is it possible that they would stop caring for us now? You can’t tell me it was parents by virtue that they were parents, because I have heard of several parents who would up and leave their children to starve or throw them in a trash bin, or torture and kill them. So, no it had to be someone else. This person put love in our parents, and if they didn’t love us enough to care, he inspired someone else to be there for us. This person couldn’t leave us then, therefore, he can’t leave us now or never will. Can we learn to trust in this invisible force which loves us and takes care of our needs? Can we surrender to this force and let go of control? Can we release our worries and fears about tomorrow, what we will eat or drink?

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