A Life Of Service

I think God intended for us to help many people. He does not want us to succeed for ourselves or be satisfied with selfish accomplishments which have only been benefitting us as individuals. I think life purpose or mission in anyone’s life is about what they can do to make other people’s life better with the skills or talents they have been blessed with in this life.

Talent, skills, wealth and health are outright blessings. However, did you know that the challenges, traumas, illnesses, disabilities and every storm we have faced in life are also gifts which we can use to help others who are going through the same? This is what made me open my eyes today. Not everyone who has been tested with what you were was able to make it to where you are. In my case, I have known many families with the same background and challenges as mine whose situation is worse and many youths from those families who were tested like me, but unlike me, have no way out and are trapped in drugs and dropped out of school. How could I not be blessed after seeing how far I have come despite all the odds which were way bigger than me and which threatened to destroy me? If the same odds succeeded to destroy someone else’s life in what seems like irreparable ruin, am I then not blessed?

For this blessing, should I not then feel a sense of purpose to help others who have walked my path of trials and make life better for them? Shouldn’t I set out to make sure I use my skills, talents and experience to make someone’s life better? I don’t have any money to start any big venture but I know I don’t have to wait to get the money I need, when I can start doing something, anything to impact someone’s life. Even if it is just my words of support and encouragement, even if it is just the fact that I made it this far, so can you, who is suffering and fighting against overwhelming giants!

Now that I have figured out this life-changing fact, the next question is what action can I take? What is the next thing I need to do? Where do I start? Who is my audience? Which method can I use to get the ball rolling? Is it by going to local primary and secondary schools and volunteering myself to counsel and guide them? Is it by visiting hospitals and volunteering to pray for the sick? Is it by cleaning the dirty streets in my village? What can I do to help people? Can someone please tell me?

I know it in my heart that God is calling me to action. It is so urgent that I cannot stop feeling this urge nowadays; the urge to do something not for myself, but for random people. Just the other day, I noticed the amount of trash which collected outside and around my home and neighborhood. Immediately, I felt I needed to step out and sweep it all clean by myself, which I did. In that moment, I felt so fulfilled. While I was sweeping, a lady passed by and prayed for me. That felt good. Then sometime later, a kid I begged to come help me load the trash into a sack, happily complied and we were able to finish in a matter of minutes. See? That wasn’t so bad! What I needed was only a broom and a sack. I didn’t need to buy anything, even the sack was given to me by my neighbor. That simple, selfless act of cleaning around the house, which also meant I was cleaning my neighbors’ houses as well since we all live close together, made me realize life is all about the good of the many and the selfless acts we do for others. I will go as far as to say, that if you want to experience joy and fulfillment, or to be cured of depression, go out of your way to do something that won’t be just about you; help as much as you can and start living for the community and not for yourself only.

The Grass is Not Always Greener on the Other Side

I had many reasons to stay unhappy. I am lonely one hundred percent of the time, my relationship status is the famous, “it is complicated”, I am just realizing I suffer from depression and I am too sad to clap for anyone who dares to celebrate anything around this time. I have known in my heart that I could be happier if only I had that perfect boyfriend, that beautiful home, that healthy family, that healthy mindset, that amazing life which has done nothing but remained pathetic and useless stickers on my vision board. If only I could live my dream life, with my dream someone. If only I did not suffer from depression but was healthy and fit. If only I got married earlier instead of choosing to remain a lonely and sad cat lady forever. If only I had done what I loved everyday instead of forcing myself to do anything else. If only…

It is always tempting to think the grass is greener on the other side of the misery we have called our life. It is easy to leave and give up what we are not satisfied with and go after what we think could become our source of happiness. Little do we know that we are where we are with what or who we are stuck with for a reason. That reason could simply be the fact that we need to transform into what we want to have. It could be that we are unhappy because we refuse to change our paradigms. The moment we change how we look at the world, it will change in tandem. Such a simple law, why is it so hard to follow?

I remember how my life used to suck big time. And now that I am here, I realize most, if not all of my pain was caused by my perception of people and things. It was me who hurt me more than anyone else. It was my view of money, relationships, family, home, school and people in general which tormented me. All the while my finger was pointed at that boyfriend who betrayed me, that parent who did not try to get close to me, that neighbour who was spiteful, God who was uncaring and unfair, that family dysfunction, my broken home, my lonely life, my foolish mistakes, money which was not enough and on and on the list went. My life sucked and it was everyone’s fault. And then, there were the Why Me? moments. Why did I not have a healthy family which could support me and be there for me? Why did I have to be born into a family with a history of mental illness? Why did my father have to live far away from me? Why am I a secret child? Why can’t I meet my step sisters and brothers across the world? Why did I choose law and not english literature or creative writing, which are both things I love? Why am I in a complicated relationship when I should be happily married to the man of my dreams? Why me God?Why?

I have to say, the biggest changes happen in the subtlest of ways. I have been transforming big time. Even with so many dreams still out of reach for me at the moment, even as my stubborn reality still mocks me, I have not remained the same. Little by little, one day at a time, I have made progress on my personality, attitude and behavior. For example, my old self would have a hard time communicating how they felt with others. Nowadays, I feel urged by a little inner voice to speak up. Say how you feel, it nudges. And I comply despite my unwillingness, only to feel so happy afterwards, as if a load has been lifted off of my aching, drooping shoulders; shoulders which have carried so much resentment, unspoken feelings, guilt, past hurts, fears, anger, bitterness and shame.

For this reason, I believe that we can only be happy if we change how we see the world around us. There is not going to be any other place, person or thing outside there which could make us fulfilled if we remain the way we are right now. It is important to change and prepare ourselves for our dream person and life. It starts here, inside us, and if that is a happy place, then everywhere else will be too.

Behind The Scenes of My Life

It is now week three and I have been struggling to get up and get going. I have to spend hours convincing myself to brush my teeth and take a shower. My day starts in the afternoon and that just means my eyes reluctantly open to another painfully passive half day, spent doing nothing aside from crying and struggling to accomplish simple tasks.

Eating is out of the question. I want to starve and I just don’t care for food. Well, my stomach disagrees and I am sure it dreads having to stay hungry all day when it knows food is only a few minutes walk away. It has come to terms with not eating breakfast…

Stomach( interrupting): Excuse me! Excuse me! I will take over from here on!(clears throat)So, where were we? Oh yes, breakfast, my God-given right, has been denied. Why you ask? Because sleeping beauty here refuses to wake up.If she ever does wake up at the earliest in these last three weeks, that would be a little after noon. Even then, she won’t care for a drink of water, let alone a meal. It is during these times, I try and send her signals to feed me. I try the oldest trick in the book: growling and pinching, hoping that would scare her to grab a banana.When this does not work, I try to call the Central Nervous System to complain and send help, by springing this human into action and go get me some food, but the line has not been working these past few weeks. It just does not go through. I wonder if something’s up, up there because normally, the CNS takes care of me every day and I don’t need to make any calls except for ramadhan, then I am reminded that I will be treated mighty well and compensated with delicious meals after sunset and I have been really happy with that arrangement. However, I could swear it is not ramadhan. I could swear that because I have been neglected way too much and sometimes I am given only a few bananas for the day and that’s it. That would never have happened during ramadhan. So no, it is not ramadhan. The CNS would have told me if it was. What is going on?CNS? Anyone?

Me(interrupting): Can I please finish what I was saying?

Stomach: Sure, but hurry up and EAT something soon, ANYTHING!

Me: Okay sure, of course. Just a few minutes.

Me: Did I mention it has been tough? Yeah. Terribly, numbingly and endlessly torturous. When will I feel normal again? Reality won’t wait forever. If I remember well, I have got oral exams coming soon, when was that? First of November? Or was it sometime later? In any case, reading any book right now would require a miracle; the sea-splitting- into-two type of miracle for Zeinab, not Israelis, to read atleast one book.

God in heaven, can’t I be a Moses? Or better yet David, so I can defeat this giant that is eating up the quality of my life?

A few minutes before now, I successfully managed to shower. While in the bathroom, contemplating my pathetic helplessness, I held the soap in my couldn’t-care-less right hand , and as I forced it to slide the soap over my I want-to-be-anywhere-else-but-here body, I found myself laughing at my sorry state of being. Even this simple and necessary act of basic hygiene, makes me uncaring and unfeeling. Hahahahaha! I chuckled bitterly as an idea came to my limp mind. I saw myself before I came to this world, negotiating with whoever it was, what hell I was going to pick to experience on earth. There were several choices displayed before me: cancer, physical disability, depression and the list went on and on and I picked depression with an added bonus of anxiety and a mood disorder. I must have also picked lovelessness, family dysfunction and secret child syndrome to complete the amazing ensemble! Wow! I am so lucky! Indeed.

Sarcasm aside, I believe there is a messed-up system in this world which makes me doubt it has our best interests at heart. We are practically handed stuff we never asked for and have to work hard throughout our life to get stuff we need to survive. I don’t think God did this. I imagine there was a group of somethings that hijacked the control room of the world stage. And I would not trust them with my cat’s dinner, let alone my life. No wonder every religion I am close to speaks of a better life, an eternal life far far faaaaaaaar away from this one. That is a relief, because this one!!No this shouldn’t, cannot, must not be it!

As long as I can remember, I have been fighting an elusive monster I don’t fully understand. On the best days, it makes me so happy I could burst with ecstacy and feelings of fulfillment and purpose but on the worst days, I struggle to get out of bed for the day. Well, I am telling this monster, right here, right now, I see you now. You cannot hide anymore!


Everything makes sense now. It is like that moment people finally realized the Earth was flat, despite having pulled off a mean joke to us all that it was round. Looks can be deceiving, and this analogy fits like a spandex on my painfully-bulging thighs of a life. I am not okay. And that’s okay.


I cannot describe what is wrong with me. I have no name for this monster that has dug its menacingly sharp claws into my life and that of my family, but I know it is there. I don’t need to wonder anymore. I don’t need to guess why I have a hard time sticking to a project to the end, or committing myself to school, or hanging out with friends or leading a normal healthy, social and adventurous life, or never being able to let go of past disappointments, or expecting the worst to happen always, never being able to maintain stable relationships and feelings, or being volatile, ever-changing, ever reinventing myself, ever wandering into and out of depression or never fully feeling safe and secure in my body. I know now. The monster won’t let me. That is why.


What do I call this monster? Why did it choose me? Why did it choose my family? How do I break free from it? How do I free my family from it? Is it a generational curse?If so, who cursed us? Is it the devil? Or was it just a random mean person? Is the monster a test from God? How can I reclaim my life? How can I heal myself and my family? How do we become happy and healthy? How can we lead a normal life?


I feel sorry for myself. I feel shortchanged by life. I was given the short end of the stick of life. Before I was even born, someone already decided I was not going to win. Someone had already set a horror stage which would characterize the tumultuous and defeating events of my life. I was going to have to fight through my life, with overwhelming odds put against this lonely, sad and old soul of a book worm, with only her faith in God( if he ever exists) as her armament. Her life, everyday, seemed like a scene from Squid Games, never knowing if she will fall or fly, in the next game and the next,of her life. Will luck be on her side?

Because Joel osteen advises me to speak victory over my life, I am going to say this to the monster who has been haunting me and my family for generations, and to every monster who is manifested in different ways as different storms in other people’s life across the world, God Is Still On the Throne!I will defeat you and reclaim my wholeness. In the refuge of my good God, my loyal God I will find healing, wholeness and the restoration of my health and wellbeing. By his might and the power which resides in his name the most high, you will release your grip from me and my family as well as all other families which you have entrapped in your hellish abode, and you will disintegrate and disappear as if you have never existed in our lives. Amin

The Foreboding Darkness; A reflection of our dark nights of the Soul

I am lying on my bed with a phone in my hands. The lights are out and I am inspired to write about the darkness which we normally find ourselves stuck in, in the course of our lives.

I have been through my fair share of dark nights of the soul. Put simply, a dark night of the soul is when you cannot see a way out of your miserable situation. It is when you feel like a victim of circumstances. People and places hurt you. You feel lost and incapable of pulling yourself out of the rut. It is when negativity has made its home in your mind. Smiling is painful and detestable. You wish the pain in your heart will go away. You don’t see the light at the end of anywhere and you gave up on God a long time ago and perhaps blame him for your current state, if you still believe he exists.

I think the biggest tell-tale sign of a dark night of the soul is that whoever is going through one, looks out for anything which will help them cope. They will overeat, overdrink, use and abuse drugs if that helps and binge watch TV to blindness. Those with previous obsessions or addictions, relapse during this time and they lose themselves to whatever that is which makes them escape from their current, pain-filled, hopeless and distraught reality. During this time, ironically, when we need God the most, it is when we alienate Him and stay as far away as we can from any mention of a holy scripture, graceful words or prayer.

So right now, as I gaze into the darkness looming over my room, I cannot help but feel a sense of familiarity with that black nothingness, which sends chills down my spine and makes me get goose bumps. I think it is my body’s way of recoiling from the horrific memories of my past. It is as if my eyes are staring into the shapeless, formless shade of blackness, scared to see my old self somewhere in there; crying sleepless into the night, not having anything work out, breaking down and under, feeling abandoned and alone and not seeing any flicker of hope. In this mirror of misery, it is as if my eyes are looking into the lives of everyone who is still stuck inside this forlorn abode, with no way out. It is as if my eyes are affirming to me, who is now standing in the circle of light radiating from my flashlight, You got out! You survived!Others are still stuck there. Others are not so lucky!

Therefore, whenever I raise my hands to pray, I tell God I am not praying just for myself, but for those who cannot pray for themselves. I tell him, God I am praying for those who are stuck in the pits of darkness. Fighting colossal monsters of depression,hopelessness,self-harm,drug abuse, helplessness,illness, victimization and isolation.Just like me, who got out perhaps because someone had remembered to pray for me, today I pray for them, in hopes that my prayer may bring light into someone’s life and save them from the darkness and into the light. God, stand by those who have lost hope in life, those who cry alone in the dark of the night, wondering if anyone cares, if anyone hears their cries for deliverance from the storms of their life. God please expand their chests and lift the burdens off of their shoulders and call them to you. Show them what you have shown me, the joy and peace that can be found in your warm and loving embrace. Amin

You Are Asking Wrong; When Your Prayers Go Unanswered!

Don’t ask for the wrong things. Ask the universe to give you what you need the most and what will make you the happiest!

Please allow me to tell you this: each one of us has two personas within us. One is our external person whose suit we are wearing as our physical bodies. This person is in this life to learn , make mistakes and grow from them, so you can say she still has a lot more stuff she needs to mess up and I would not rely on her entirely when making important decisions; for those life-changing decisions, I would need a little extra guidance . And that is where the other, who is our true essence, comes in. Our higher self is unlimited and unrestrained by anything in this reality. This higher form of self is always there, whispering our biggest ideas into our ears and through intuition, makes us make the right decisions for ourselves.

Let me help you understand. Imagine your home. It is a space you live in which is in a town you are familiar with. Your home town may look big to you , you could even get lost in it or need the help of a car or train to take you from one place to another. However, if you take out your world map, or rather, your country map, you will quickly notice that the entire town or city you have been seeing as expansive and vast is actually just a tiny dot in a sea of dots all over across the world. Now, suppose this tiny dot of your home town is your physical ego self, your higher self is the world map with all its dots. What I am saying is, you are bigger than this physical manifestation. Imagine it as if someone tried to fit the titanic into a swimming pool. That is how infinite your true essence is. It has lived and occupied that much space throughout several lifetimes including this one, and already knows so much, wisdom which you can tap into for guidance in moments of confusion.

As I write this I realize some of you may not have been convinced. You are not small. You matter and you have everything you need to lead the life you want. The question is always, “what do you want?” , Not “what don’t you want?”! Don’t let the simplicity of this question fool you. If this question were asked to most of us, we would be shocked to find out most of the stuff we have replied with have very little to do with what we truly, really want from deep in our hearts. This is because, as humans we are moved to want what we don’t have at the moment. Right now. So for example, I will say, I want money. To have lots of it so I don’t get scared about not having enough in the future. Why? Because I am currently entertaining feelings of not having enough money. I have been feeling as if I will not ever get money again. That somehow, there is not enough money in the world to come my way. The world bank shut down. There will be no more money available. Everyone is going to have to make do with what they already have! That is my current mood. But is that really the case? Do I really know that I will not very soon walk into fortune and have everything I want very easily , just like that? Why is it so easy to assume the worst and accept it as the truth and only truth and absolutely unfathomably impossible to assume the best and declare that as the only truth?

Long story short, there are things we need, which we don’t have right now. Things that we forget to remember when we pray fervently on our prayer mats. Instead of asking for them, we find ourselves asking for what is not really going to bring us what we need: happiness, joy and a meaningful life lived to the fullest! Who is to blame? Our egos, for not seeing far enough, for being motivated only by our nearest needs and demands and for not having the foresight which only our highest forms of self possess!

I will get real clear about one fact. You will definitely get what you ask for.That is a guarantee and I swear to God if more people knew this and 100% believed in this, depression and anxiety would become extinct and therapists would all lose their jobs! The real trick is to know what is it you should ask for. If you ask for something which is in alignment with your higher self, you will find those things come very quickly. On the other hand when you keep asking and you are not getting, instead of doubting the integrity of God and start accusing him of being unfair and biased( please forgive me), you should ask yourself, what is wrong with what I am asking? Is what I pray for really what I need to be happy? Am I asking wrong? Because most times, that would be the case.

So How Do you Ask Right?

Joe Vitale, in his book The Attractor Factor, said, while asking for something from the universe, after you have stated everything you want, for example,

” please God bless me with a beautiful home, a handsome man to love and protect me, a nice car, lots of money so much so that I will not know what to do with it even after I have done absolutely everything I desire, a big library full of all the best books, my own private island with a cabin I can just go to escape from the world once in a while and read, sleep and eat, the freedom to travel the world and enjoy beautiful exotic places, dining at high end restaurants, …

don’t forget to say this powerful statement,

“…this or better than this.”

This means that you are willing to let the universe bring to you what could be way better than what you are asking for. This short powerful statement shows the universe or God, you trust fully that what you will receive will positively surprise you, because it will be better than what you could imagine was possible. This also means, you acknowledge the fact that from your limited perception of what is possible or not, you might have asked for something you don’t really need and that there is something more and better which exists out of your imagination and understanding, to which if you surrendered to the universe, would be granted to you.

Why Am I Unhappy? I Did Everything Right

I was told to study and study hard I did. Education will give you a job, then you will not need anyone,I was told. So I put my nose to the grindstone and worked my way through a gruesome 8,4,4 curriculum. Just like that, 16 good years of my life were gone. As if those were not enough, someone decided to add another several years of my golden life, because of all the careers in the world, God decided I should become a lawyer. (Was it God or my misguided unwise self back then? I don’t know. Sorry God)

I hardly remember the excruciating moments through nursery to University Graduation Day. I think that is mostly because our minds have a therapeutic way of making us forget our pain, if it proves to be too much for us to handle. Or, there are just too many distractions or demands for our time and attention throughout our life, that we hardly have time to recall what we ate yesterday, let alone what trauma we have been subjected to in our past. That must be it! We are just too busy doing the wrong things which hardly give us any joy! Think about it! If you cannot come forth and say it, I will: I am too unhappy and I cannot for the life of me understand why that is! I did everything right! I even walked the extra mile of picking one of those career paths that should guarantee prestige and success. Then why am I depressed? Where is the joy that was promised to all of us hard-working souls ? Where is the paradise?

I want to say someone must have lied to us! Education might be important but I am starting to think that an overzealous investment in a career path which empties the bank, your youth and your mental health and which gives very little in return, is not the right way to go! Absolutely not advisable! It does not pass the common sense test!

Not to come off as too negative. I am not trying to say we should not become professionals. Far from it! What I am saying is invest wisely. Spend your energy on something which brings you happiness. If something asks too much of you and you know you could do better pursuing something else, please listen to your heart.

Some people love food and dining but they end up becoming civil engineers, not chefs! Why? Some people love to write but you cannot see a single course in our Kenyan Universities that will guarantee you a career as a successful author. And what do such people do? We become the closest or farthest thing from what we love, lawyers or even doctors! Instead of waking up everyday excited about our next idea for our next book or to simply read the next best book, we have to attend thousands of hours of classes trying to teach us how to draft a freaking notice of motion with ridiculous affidavits. Don’t start me on civil and criminal procedure and the damn rules of hell. Where is the inspiration? What room is there for creativity and personal expression? Not every letter should have “the subject matter refers!” I find these formal letters boring and mediocre, to say the least. I never loved rules when it came to writing. They simply suffocate your creativity and are a sure fire way of chasing the writer out of you!

On a more positive note(trust me I am trying to smile), I realize it is not the end of the world. I also thankfully realize, that I have this wonderful platform to write and share my thoughts with my wonderful readers all across the universe.I did not throw away my passion for writing and even if it is tiny and cannot be compared to thousands of dollars invested on exhausting miserableness that is my career, I was able to invest a few dollars every year for this blog that is my breath of fresh air!

The message in this whole catastrophe is, please do something you love!

Not My Jam But Here I am!

It began with an invitation. A harmless group of girls and firm mates in my class wanted to hang out and “put the face to the voice,” as they called it. Since I joined law school, we have only heard each others’ voices over teams so everyone was eager to meet. But I wasn’t!

Four months ago, I made a decision that would change my life. I decided, after waging several coup de tats over my will, passion and everything I was, to go back to school. This is no ordinary school mind you, it is Law School; that final race to the finish line of becoming a practicing advocate of the High Court of Kenya.

To every other lawyer, Law School is not only expected but accepted. To me, how do I put it? Let me just say, I was prepared to get cast away to a small island in the middle of the Indian ocean where the only source of food was coconuts, than to have to go to hell, I mean, Law school!

So believe me when I tell you that it had to take a pretty desperate, no-choice-but-to-go-back-to-school kind of a situation, to make me acquiesce.

Everything was all well and good the first few months, since learning was online( thanks to Covid, but no thanks) and I did not have to leave my comfort zone to move two cities away just for the sake of school. I was trying to avoid having to surrender familiar surroundings, for a cold stranger’s land, in the middle of a rich suburb, that had no compassion for poor students living in subsidized student hostels. Honestly, the fact that I would have to live with only two options for food for a year:Maizemeal and ramen, was only an excuse. The real reason I wanted to stay home was deeper than that; I have a hard time accepting change. I fear the worst. Always.

If I was that apprehensive of change, why am I bowling with strange girls and having so much fun?(I was the champion of the day).The old me would do everything possible to avoid hanging out with the girls. She would rather spend Sunday alone in her hostel room, trying to think why at 27, she is still single and miserable as hell( and also wondering if it is not too late to leave everything and go back home. The world is brimming with lawyers, one less wouldn’t kill the profession!).

So, long story short, four months later, as I write this piece, I am happily housed at the student hostels in the school , which I previously dreaded with my heart and soul. I find this whole experience very exciting, the city, everything I have wanted and dreamt about. If the Law of Attraction had a home in Kenya, this would be it! This is the land of manifestation of desires, angel numbers, signs and synchronicities. I am not alone. I am not a stranger. I am home. And this is where I want to be for the rest of my life!( And yes, I love bowling!)

I Created My Husband

Everyone at some point in their life goes through a “Who will I marry? When will I meet the one?” crisis( trust me, ask the tarot readers they will tell you it is true). Just like midlife crisis for men and menopause for women, this rather depressing phase of our life could drag on for what seems like forever, making us question whether God of Happy-Ever-After was even getting our incessant applications for that perfect soulmate in the first place, or he just doesn’t even have the time to see them, because he is too busy orchestrating happy endings for everyone else, except for us!

Ping Ponging between our exes remains the only option albeit the least attractive one, but what could a girl do? Netflix has run out of good tv and self-pleasing is not fun anymore( my clitoris is screaming for ceasefire, she is falling apart, she is threatening to file a domestic abuse complaint with the Clitoris Police). Little does anyone know, Mr. Right just cannot be one of our exes. They are exes for a reason!

So how does a girl get married? What is the name of the store which sells husbands? How much does a 6 feet tall, blue-eyed, Henry cavill look-alike cost?

Since Heavenly Mail is on lockdown, and all my tear-filled prayers to God have been stamped “Return To Sender”, I am now convinced more than ever that praying is not going to be the way that does it for this girl, and maybe, it is this very state of hopelessness, which drove me to a very crazy idea: What if I could C.R.E.A.T.E my husband?

Bob Proctor in one of his videos mentioned that as spiritual beings in an energy-filled universe, we hold the power to manifest that which we desire through acting as if we already have it. So if applied correctly, this method uses feelings, a hypothesis invented by Neville Goddard in his book, Feeling Is the Secret which explains that you could create your circumstances of choice by feeling as if you were already living in them. This includes people, too. So as Proctor would detail it for us, you need to start seeing the person of your dreams in your mind’s eye, talk and act as if he is right there beside you. For this to really work, you need to of course, start with a face, the colour of his eyes, his smile(and those dimples), his hair, his height, complexion and frame. The next step would be to give him a name( of course, come on). All this sounds easy right? No big deal! Well that is not all you have to do… it gets a little bit spooky and downright cray cray from here on out!

Living with a ghost is more like it. If I remember correctly, Proctor said you have to sleep with him, set a side a space with his pillow beside you on the bed, talk to him as if he is really there, ( talk of the imaginary boy in the movie, the Conjuring),basically, all the stuff you would normally do with your partner.The key is to get your imagination going, but not too far, I hope.

Playing God does have its perks. You get to choose how he looks like, make him just the way you would want him to be, just the way you like your pizza or birthday cake! Delicious and mouth watering, and no matter how many times you have had them, you just can’t have enough! I wish this works, because here is a little secret, I just bought a cauldron for this magic mix and I can’t wait to stir! The final product is blue-eyed like Hamoa beach of Maui, is tall and oh so handsome! Abracadabra!

You Don’t Have To Fight Anymore

Dear all of you who have been in hell,

You don’t have to fight anymore!

You survived. You came through to the other side of hell. You no longer have to take a defensive stance anymore. You are safe.

I know the place you have come from. A place which made you suffocate. A toxic home environment. A narcissistic ex. A deal gone wrong. Cancer. Heartbreak and pain. That place made you scared. It is a dark place to be at. You held on with all your strength. And had to borrow some. You refused to give up. You wanted to so much, but you could not pack up and run. Because where else would you go? Who cared enough about what you had been through. All people saw was a wreck. All people heard in your cries was complaints. They would not understand. No they just don’t care. Because it is not happening to them. They will only care to judge, saying, ” Oh you have changed!”. How do they expect you to remain the same, when all that you went through alone took such a toll on your very essence as a soul. Don’t they remember the wars you had to fight alone? One against them all? How could they forget your dark nights of the soul? Those moments you wished you had died. But alive you still remained. How would they know? They would not understand. You gave your all in the fight. But the dark hole took just as much as well. It took your smile. Your free spirit. It stole your heart and turned it to bile. It made sure you would always stay afraid. Afraid of trusting in the world. Afraid of opening your heart. Your softness turned into aggression. Your warmth to ice. You built walls. As high up as the sky. Nobody could break through to reach your true self. You stayed alert. Always weary of others’ intentions. You don’t need to fight anymore. The worst is over.

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