I Followed My Intuition and it led me to…

After a serious bowling with tears, snort and all I felt a strange wave of silence. The light bugs knocking against the fluorescent light in my bedroom suddenly stopped. It was as if I had finally caught the universe or God’s attention. I was in pain, misery doesn’t even begin to describe the state of shambles I was in at the time. I wanted it to end: the timeline of hell I had been stuck inside of, the cycle of anxiety that went on and on, endlessly torturing me and my heart, or whatever remains of it, which is ready to rewind the day I was born and erase it from the record of life. I was unhappy in every sense of the word and in every synonym and vocabulary ever invented to describe being in that hellish state.

I had given up hope on my vocation, because it didn’t bring me joy. I tried my best to hold back the time I would have to return to it but that time was cut short. What happened? Just when I was trying to manifest a fresh start which would guarantee a peaceful existence writing, reading and painting and having nothing to do with the crippling anxiety of the lackluster rigidity we call the law profession, I received a call for an interview for pupillage. I am sure most people would be happy to ever be shortlisted but in my case, I was having a serious case of heart palpitations. It was downhill from there. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t hear people talking and I dreaded ever having picked that call in the first place. Esther Hicks once said, you knew it wasn’t the right path for you by how it made you feel. So far, everything to do with law just never felt right. I recall the many times I broke down depressed or went into undergraduate exams completely blank. In addition, even after many years have passed, I still couldn’t learn to love it. And that says a lot!(I am naturally bubbling with love which could fill the whole world and then a planet)

I had to travel the very next day since the interview was going to be just a day away, a fact that lit my chest with even more fire that had every intention of exploding. I felt my new-found painting days dissolving into thin air and my new found sense of freedom and peace floating away to become clouds which looked like faces of people smirking as if to mock me, ” You think you could get away so easy?”.

I wanted my freedom, I tricked myself into thinking I had found it at last forgetting that as long as you are a lawyer, freedom only exists as measly statements on those rare occasions in your copy-pasted pleadings as you try to claim the right to liberty which is a joke in itself: The whole world is a prison where people dream of one thing and then end up paying hundreds of thousands to learn the exact opposite of what they love and because they have invested all that money and time getting depressed and unhappy, they get stuck because now they must take it upon yourself to suffer even more doing what they hate just so they could pay rent, eat and survive.

Anyway back to the topic, as the flight took off I felt even more uneasy as I thought of why I was still doing this even when every fiber of my being screamed, ” No! Free Yourself!”. I took a copy of the Quran in hopes of silencing that voice that has now been drilling holes into my brain trying to wake it up. I prayed and read the words of God hoping God in his own handwriting would write , “Go home my daughter! Fluff the interview. I set you free!” on the fluffy blanket of clouds which were now engulfing us. But he didn’t. I felt torn between going and suddenly not and I know it might sound funny because I was already in the air flying. But as God would have it, there was a stop of a few minutes midway and that is when my heart just couldn’t take it anymore. It actually came out of my chest, blood and all, and talked to me with a mouth in its face.(Yes, hearts do have mouths like us and can talk to us in those rare moments when we refuse to listen to its polite nudgings) It said to my face as I watched in horror, “Fluffing get up and get off this flight deafnuts!” And I found myself on my feet in a second and asking the attendants if they could allow people to alight midway. When they said yes I couldn’t believe my ears! I found my mouth against the better judgment of my brain, smiling from ear to ear and the following words came out of my mouth, “I am following my intuition. This is gonna be exciting!” And before long, I was collecting my bags and walking into a town with no idea where I would go or what I would do except that it felt right. This place felt right!

Our Comfort Zone

It is hard to step out into the wild. Cats will tell you how cold or hot outside is. They absolutely love and enjoy the attention and home we provide. Outside is tough. Everyone knows that. Even Will Smith.

However, what if I told you, everything you desire is found outside your comfort zone. The freedom, the adventure, the love of your life, the achievement and success you so very much desire. All of these things and more demand of us to let go and step out of what we have already known and grown comfortable around. Think about it. Had you been happy and fulfilled where you are you wouldn’t have these dreams about a better life and a happier lifestyle. Trying to cling onto your space or your habits because you fear the unknown is only going to make you stuck and reduce your options.

I lived like this for a while, refusing to face anything new or uncertain. I believed the world outside to be unsafe and anything new was scary. Especially if it was something which required me to move from my own space and venture into the new and the unknown. I held on to the life I had known for dear life. What is interesting to note is that I was so miserable in that version of life. I was unfulfilled and stressed. I would be sad and go into depression which lasted for weeks if not months. I would feel stifled by the stagnation and the lack of new prospects. But still the fear of leaving that familiar hell was daunting. At that point I should have known that anywhere else would be better than where I was at the time. Only after I had made the brave choice to step out of there did I realize how miserable I had been. I wish I had left earlier.

The universe will push you out of your comfort zone if you refuse to step out voluntarily. I believe life doesn’t want us to stagnate. We must keep moving and growing by challenging ourselves this way and that until we shed what no longer serves us and realize our full potential. One such instance which happened to me was when the place I used to work at turned so toxic that I was dying. That is when I knew staying there wasn’t an option any longer. I had to move on. Prior to that, I had found joy and excitement in the work I was doing and the new stuff I was learning but once that place served its purpose in my life, once the people there had served their purpose in my life, it was time to face bigger challenges and grow in bigger ways elsewhere.

For this reason, I find that nobody should hold onto anything for long. We should learn to read the sign when the time is up and move along with the flow of life. Resisting change will only cause us pain and undue suffering. Life is constant motion and we are part of that movement.

Not Like Any Story You have ever heard before

Credit: mysteriousuniverse.org

Once upon a time, long before we came to this world, we existed as souls without bodies. Somewhere in a world without physical matter, we lived among each other, going whenever we wanted without any restrictions of time or space, we did not need to eat or drink in order to live, simply giving and receiving love was enough to sustain us and keep us going. This world, in which our soul selves lived was harmonious and peaceful, everything was perfect, maybe, too perfect…Until someone decided we should venture into a more restrictive, more incumbered way of existence, and that is when we assumed these costumes we call our bodies, to come here and live mundane lives.

If everything was so great where we came from, why would we leave to come here? I mean no offence, but seriously speaking, this is not the most accommodating place now, is it? There are wars everywhere: wars against health , fresh air, rivers and lakes and other water bodies, forests and fireflies, hills and valleys and everything else natural and beautiful. There is such a sustainable chaos in this physical realm which never fails to deliver. It is the type you find in the supermarkets as buy one get one free. Such beautiful chaos. Why would anyone come here?

I will tell you why! Just like the adorable fluffy little things humans call cats, our curiosity got the better of us. Our world was way too flawless for our taste. We wanted to experience a little bit of painful constipation after having a bowl of ramen noodles (all those ropey noodles twisting and turning in our gut should do it alright), indigestion, because we are hungry little monsters who have never had to eat before and we seem to swallow without chewing or else we die, sex, which we have put more meaning to it than necessary and made it out to be more than it needs to be really (I mean there is nothing remotely attractive about two grown ups in their sound mind rocking back and forth against each other in disgruntled moans like a couple of confused loon bins- like seriously, are you in pain? Can I help you? Is the more appropriate response).Then, lest we forget, there is the good old dancing. It amazes me how ridiculous we can make ourselves look. Anyhow, after seeing that it is not all roses and cotton candy, word is , we are thinking of going back and leaving this theatre of mediocrity behind. Except, to our horror, we can’t! Why you ask? Well, in our excitement to come here, we forgot to leave anyone behind to turn that goddamn recycling human body machine thingy off. Now we are stuck here, dying and coming back over and over again and just like we wanted, every time we come back, we don’t even remember who we are and live by different identities all over the world(now, isn’t that exciting). And that idiot Sam had to entice us to experience life as animals too. Just imagine how enlightened we will become! He had said. Well, Sam, if I could just get my hands on you somehow. Only if I knew where you were and who you had become. At least, it would bring me joy if I knew you were in someone’s toilet as a cockroach! That should definitely enlighten you and give you some of that shitty perspective you so much wanted!

This is the Wild. Do you think you could survive here?

Somewhere in the plains of Savannah Grasslands, I find myself lost with only my backpack containing one bar of chocolate, a bottle of water, a packet of peanuts and a pack of biscuits, and as I went about my merry way, trying to find a way back to civilization, I had the honor of meeting these extraordinarily handsome fellows…

Mr. Elephant, too busy munching all the grass he can eat until I interrupted him.

“Excuse me good sir. Can you please point me to the nearest exit?” I greeted. “He didn’t seem to be too willing until I mentioned I had some tasty peanuts with me. “Gimme peanuts first,” he answered, “then I will show you.” Well I shouldn’t have, because his answer was, while eating my peanuts, “I ( munch munch) really( more munching) don’t know. See, I am lost myself. Have you seen my wife?”.

The sun was dancing on my eyebrows as I looked to the east, west, north and south for any sign of life. I could feel my sweat pouring from all the wrong places as my brain was steaming deliciously like the soup damplings I had the other day at mr. Wok’s.

The plains were shining gold and yellow with scattered spots of green where acacia trees stood painstakingly in the scotch of the November sun. I am going to dry up here. I heard my brain warning me. I could feel my lips turning into dry scabs and pinching my mouth at the sides. I took out my only bottle of water, fear gripping into my parched throat as I observed what was the last few drops inside of it. Damn!

There goes my last drop of water, I thought to myself as my spongy throat sucked up every last trickle.

It has been two hours since our tour van broke down in the middle of the wild grasslands. I recalled how excited I was to join my friends on the tour of our lives. While everybody else sought the normal way of paying a company to take them to Masai Mara, we thought that was way too boring for us. We needed a different type of adventure, the kind which saw us coming to the wild, with just a van and one of us as the driver. Nobody thought we would only last a few hours before the greatest tragedy of our lives happened. Nobody cared to inspect the van either, we took what we could find under a very short notice and stormed our way into wildlife territory, where only normal human beings, well fed ,watered and sheltered under the cool roof of their van could make it out alive. We didn’t care for the nitty gritties of survival. How could we, when this was going to be the best adventure of our lives?

So we drove through into the wild, with only our thirsts for excitement and hopes to have something extraordinary happen to us, something we would never forget. It wasn’t just the safari experience we were after, for that was too mundane and lame for us. We wanted something more. And the wild grasslands happily obliged. Fast forward three hours later, and everyone is everywhere, all by themselves, trying to find help. I still think splitting up in a place like this was the dumbest idea, even though somehow we convinced ourselves that that was the only way we could find help more quickly, or locate a passing tour van since we had not even seen one for the past several hours when we had started our drive. One of us pointed out also, that certain territorial animals who have a taste for human flesh were more likely to notice us, if we stayed as groups, than if we dispersed.

So here I am now, with no water and missing a bag of peanuts, two hours later, with no idea where I was going to go. Come to think of it, Masai Mara is a popular destination for tourists all over the world. If I read the reviews on Trip Advisor correctly, this place should be swarming with cars going round and round all over these endless plains with excited tourists who would scream and point to every moving thing with their cameras. Why does this place look so deserted today? I followed the beaten path religiously in hopes of meeting a vehicle, but no luck. I tried to retrace my steps hoping to return to our paralyzed van, but I couldn’t remember how to get back there. All I saw were endless hills and a never-ending carpet of grass.

An ostrich running for his life after he realized I was human. I guess we don’t hold the best reputation in this place. Thanks to the poachers.

How do I survive? Will I get help?

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