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Trust in the Unkown

I listened to Joel Osteen’s advice when he told me to be comfortable not knowing what will happen next in my life. Of course, this process of trusting blindly that things will work out in their perfect order, at the right time, and for your highest good always, is not very easy to believe. I myself, have had a tough time trusting in this process even with all the books I have read and the knowledge I have accumulated over a good period of time about the magical ways the universe can handle things. For example, lately, I have been feeling so lifeless and purposeless. I keep finding myself just doing things for the sake of them, and every day feels like a wasted opportunity to do wonderfully exciting things which for some reason, given the choices I have made, I am not able to do right now. It is really hard to wake up with only a quarter of the day left only to have nothing extraordinary to do except eat and binge-watch reality TV all night long. My life has been so lifeless and while I have been gentle with myself, talking myself to not feel guilt over the many days which have been thrown to the dust bin, I cannot help but feel hopeless.

Why am I feeling as if I am in someone else’s movie, living each day as that character who has no drive or purpose to wake up for, who sleeps all day and watches nonsense all night and does this on repeat for like forever? I want to feel alive. I want to wake up every day feeling over the moon about my to-do-list of awesome things I cannot wait to do. I want to live each day with the same passion and purpose as that of a man setting out to save the world. I wasn’t built for a mundane existence, apparently; a peaceful life lived doing the same things over and over again without any adventure or excitement could be the recipe for depression. I am depressed, not because I don’t have everything I want to be happy, but rather, I am missing a key ingredient which I cannot live without: passion and purpose.

Waiting on Time

Each one of us has their own time to bloom. Some are early bloomers, the type who figure out what they want to do with their life, their passion and get most of their important areas of life up and running, whereas, others have the pace of a snail, slowly sliding one centimetre at what appears to be a century, before they can arrive at their destiny.

I have learned that sometimes, all anyone needs to do is wait for their time to come. You don’t need to do anything extraordinary, or fight against fate, or wonder why everyone around you is living their best life except you, all you have to do is trust in time and wait.

As I lay here, having finished a heartfelt series of The Final Table on Netflix, I am left in awe at the passionate journeys these chefs had about one thing and one thing only:cooking. Watching them battle for a place at the final table of the world’s best chefs, I cannot help but feel like my life is missing something very important right now. I wish I loved something so deeply and left everything to go after it with all my heart and soul. I wish I was brave enough to live for just one thing for the rest of my life, and have it be my lasting source of joy and happiness. I wish to live a fulfilling life doing something I couldn’t live a day without; something which meant the whole world to me, something I would be so excited about doing every morning I wake up. What is that thing?

Heal Yourself; How to access your past and future self and be there for them during hard times

Dear reader and esteemed fan of everything spiritual, I am writing this post today, after the sweet aftermath of a gratitude meditation session with Manifest By Jess, a YouTube healer and my go-to gratitude champion. It has been forever since the last time I meditated, which explains why I have been so unfocused and unhappy. Meditation is a true gem which could save our lives if only people made it a priority first thing on their daily to-do lists.

If you are familiar with my journey here on this platform, you would know that I have had to grow up in the most unhealthy, chaotic surroundings without anything stable to ground my young and lost self on. Being here right now, writing this, is a testimony of the miraculous fact that I survived. I am strong and tough, yes, but that doesn’t mean I have no scars. These scars manifest themselves as chronic depression, which lasts months on end and severe anxiety and panic attacks. Given my suffering state of being, it is no wonder I desire healing more than anything else. Abundance therefore, for me means first and foremost, healing of all my wounds which I have suffered as a result of the hell I have been through, followed by freedom to enjoy life without restrictions and all the financial freedom the universe can give me in a single lifetime! I tried many times, to pray for true love, a job, and everything else I thought I needed to be happy and the universe delivered most if not all. While I was thankful of course, for my blessings, I realized that I was still hurting pretty badly, and that if I had healed first, I would have enjoyed everything else so much more. so how does anybody heal from past trauma? is someone going to come and help me heal? I don’t think anyone is coming.

Dale Carnegie, in his book, “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”, told me a story of how he met a man who was looking for solutions to his life problems everywhere else, except in himself. Dale Carnegie then told him the truth we all fear and resent so much: Nobody is coming! Yes, that is true, there is nothing or no one out there who will show up to do the work you should be doing on yourself. And this was tough to hear because I had believed all my life, that God has prepared special angels in the form of helpful people who will reward those who have been suffering with everything they desire, as an incentive for surviving all the difficult times and refusing to give up hope. So, everyday, I would pray to God to hasten the arrival of my soul family, soulmate or that special someone, who would be the answer to my prayers and change my life for the better. You guessed right! This person never came. Why? because the person I was praying for, the one who would heal me and make everything right, was me all along. Let me explain…

If you are familiar with spirituality, you would know that one of the most important hail Marys of this universe, is the saying that time is an illusion. There is only now, this present moment. And if that is true it means, the child me is here right now, going through the worst time of her life, that heartbroken betrayed younger me is crying on that bed right now, that depressed me who cannot get out of bed to eat or wash up is suffering right this minute as I am writing this. This powerful truth is so life-changing. this means that with meditation and intention, you could send energies of healing, love and support to that version of you who is suffering alone. in fact, you could even send them guidance and advice, talk with them, and imagine yourself as if you were there, in that room with them, comforting them, and promising them that you would always be there for them. And the thing is, whether you want to believe it or not, YOU WERE always there for yourself! I know this may be hard to believe but trust me when I tell you, you can heal yourself from trauma, especially the type which does not listen to therapy or pills, by accessing your past self, and in some instances, your future self, through meditation and intention. Try it today! What do you have to lose?

Some affirmations you can use while meditating:

“I send energies of love and healing to my hurting self, in all directions of time and space, past, present and future.”

“My inner child, my younger self, I know you are hurting, please know I am here for you and I love you.”

“You are everything to me, my most important person, who I cherish very much more than anything else in the world, and I will always be there for you , no matter what. Therefore, don’t feel alone. You are never alone.”

“You are worthy and oh so valuable to me. I love you and care about you very much. Know that I am always there for you no matter what.”

These are just some affirmations I use for myself. Feel free to use more specific ones suitable for your situation and your trauma. All the best!

A Crayfish Moulting

This video of a crayfish shedding its shell made me think about my own journey of personal transformation. It also confirmed the fact that nature did not intend for us to remain with one way of thinking, doing and going about our life, but rather, change is necessary in order to become our best version of self.

So next time you start fearing or resenting change, take a second to watch this brave blue crayfish shed its shell and observe how freeing and liberating it seems to feel during this process and once it is done. Also, point to note, if you thought its previous blue shell was too beautiful to discard, just see how luminescent and even more beautiful its new shell is! This is a testimony that change can replace our ordinarily good life with an even better extraordinary one where we thrive and enjoy freedom; from our old limiting attitudes and behavior.

Please God, love us unconditionally

Please god love us unconditionally and accept us for who we are with all our faults and shortcomings. Please my good kind god don’t threaten us with hellfire and all the punishments or anything else, we are already suffering as is. Some of us were traumatized from childhood, and are doing all the “heinous” stuff as they try and fill the void in their empty, broken hearts. Some children never see their parents, live on the streets in horrific situations and have nobody to love or care for them. Some are grappling with deadly diseases, incurable ones, and have not sinned a day in their lives. Some are crying day in day out, with not even a shimmer of hope to hold onto. The world is already in hell mostly, how are threats for an extra eternal hellfire and damnation going to uplift us all who are living in pain and whose only fault was to find our way through all the shit we have been through and heal? Please my good, kind and loving god, let your unconditional love for us be all there is! It is okay if we don’t have to have a heaven in an afterlife, let us bask in your divine love in this one!

Why you Should Stop praying for what you don’t have, and a bunch of other non-related topics.

Ever since I was introduced to the law of attraction, I have had some ideas which made me raise my brows in doubt. Some of those ideas resemble statements such as if you want more money, spend more and don’t save. Saving for a rainy day and tough times actually bring them into your life. As if this one is not enough, I had to meet with yet another disturbing one today, don’t pray for what you don’t have. Praying affirms the fact that you don’t have them. And since like attracts like, if you feel lack, you will attract the same. What? My brows are far too high right now, they could be flying off of my face any minute now.

What is wrong with praying? Two things: first, you give any power you have to something or someone else, other than you, making you essentially powerless to get anything you desire. Two, you emphasize the fact that you are poor and a beggar at that! So I guess this is why we feel so miserable all the time. It is because we would rather believe something or someone else out there is the only person who can give us what we seek, and if he chooses not to, then our lives end and we have no reason to smile or bother waking up in the morning.

I know many authors of these self-help books such as Neville Goddard, Florence Scovel shinn and others try to link the Bible and God to the principles of the law of attraction and other magical wonders available to the human mind, the fact that the bible or the Koran themselves, left out these laws of the universe makes one wonder if they are really what we thought they were; words of God. Yes, as I say this, I feel I could be slowly migrating from godly existence to the godless, but I believe there is some explanation to all of this disaprity which exists between religious notions of a God who holds the reins over our sustenance and existence, and the god who resides in our consciousness, imagination and desire.

Which god is the god? And did god refer to himself as god who dominates and controls all of us with commandments and dos and don’ts? It is so hard to believe that god would create everything so beautifully, without us asking for anything, because his love is that unconditional and all-encompassing, and yet still have him stoop to our standards punishment and eternal damnation.

Just look at the shaming that is going on about sex. With such cruel threats of stoning to death and flogging, or eternal hellfire, no wonder people are screwed up sexually. I mean if God really thought sex was bad, shameful and awful he wouldn’t create these desires within us. He could have easily said, your sexual urges will automatically spring up from your loins the day you say your wedding vows! But no! He made it so that we desire sexual fulfillment the day we hit puberty. Did he mean for us to marry as child teens? I don’t think so? So what is all the hate about sexual expression and appetite trying to achieve, if not our own agenda as controlling ego maniacs?

Sometimes, people cannot get rid of this shame over sex, and they end up fearing any kind of sexual thing, leading to them having sexless marriages and frustrating lives. Or in some, because of the forbidden nature of sex, they end up on an endless sexual spree with just about anything that moves. You get what I mean?

Sometimes, things like praying five times a day for muslims, can be hard for some to follow through, which means they go around carrying a mountain of guilt over the prayers they have missed. This guilt can sometimes make us feel so miserable about ourselves and take a toll on our self esteem and even increase our chances to ever pray full time again. Why? Because human beings are made to avoid uncomfortable situations at all costs. This means, if praying to god becomes more about rigid rules and less about connecting intimately with your creator, you are less likely to pray. And this likelihood increases everytime you are made more and more uncomfortable over missing prayers.

The last time I misturbated I was engulfed with deep sense of shame and guilt as if I had killed someone. Not only that, even the onset of my urge to touch myself, makes my anxiety raise to the rooftop, and my heart dreads the otherwise healthy and natural feelings every healthy human being needs to have and fulfill. Yes it is that bad. And all thanks to beliefs we have been taught and fed all our lives;beliefs which have caused us more harm than good. Why should anyone feel shame for wanting and desiring sex? Why should anyone fear pleasing themselves where nobody is there to help them? Why should we make praying more about anything else than a heartfelt desire to connect with God? Who made these ideas and screwed up the world? I don’t know, but I am sure god had nothing to do with it. And this post is a testimony to that.

The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer

I think google got the definition of the word, “surrender” wrong. It is not about just submitting to an enemy or raising the white flag, rather, when it comes to my life, this word means freedom; from worry, stress and overthinking about the future and my problems. This word means to me, that I stay above everything that is going on in my life, and refuse to let it control how I feel.

I believe it is this same idea of surrender Michael was discussing in his book, “the surrender experiment”. In this book, Michael Singer gives examples of the many times he just winged it. He stopped fighting for anything. He let go of the idea that we need to prepare for everything before we do it. He simply just showed up, accepted the flow of his life events without any resistance, met whoever he was supposed to meet, started whatever he felt the urge to start, welcomed whoever was looking to be part of his life. He inspired me so much to believe that there is a system to my life. That my life is not just a random occurrence, but something, someone, is genuinely interested in it and is guiding me to have the best experience from this life.

I would like to make a confession though. I did not finish reading his book. Why? Because, as is typical of our human desire, we wish to experience only good things and are put off by bad or tragic events- whether they are happening to us or we are reading about them. That is why, when it came to the part where Michael’s otherwise positive surrender experiment in his life, started bringing him less than ideal circumstances, I froze and could not read the sad parts. And this is what this post is about. Michael’s book, the parts I did not read, taught me way more than the good parts which I read. I learnt that I have been wanting to believe in these universal laws of miracles, attraction, surrender and the rest which I am not yet acquainted with, only if they bring into my life pleasant things. I would be a believer only if my life became better by practicing them, but the moment my desires don’t come fast enough, or my life keeps disappointing me, I turn away and return to my old belief system which did not serve me before, why would it suddenly serve me now?

All in all, this book is a must read if you want to start seeing the world with a fresh pair of eyes. If you want to believe that your life is not an accident, and that if you decided to surrender to your inner voice and guidance, even when it does not make sense, you would live the best life, no matter what. Granted, the ideas explained by this book might not be for everyone, as most of us are staunch believers of a reality which does not serve us, but we believe in it anyways, since we cannot be brave enough to believe in magic, however, this book could change your life and if unlike me, you can finish reading it to the end, who knows which other secrets you might find hidden in those sad parts of the book which I wasn’t brave enough to immerse myself through?

Final words on this book: let whatever happens happen. Don’t worry, if it is bad, worrying will not stop it, if it is good, you will enjoy it.

This is the Wild. Do you think you could survive here?

Somewhere in the plains of Savannah Grasslands, I find myself lost with only my backpack containing one bar of chocolate, a bottle of water, a packet of peanuts and a pack of biscuits, and as I went about my merry way, trying to find a way back to civilization, I had the honor of meeting these extraordinarily handsome fellows…

Mr. Elephant, too busy munching all the grass he can eat until I interrupted him.

“Excuse me good sir. Can you please point me to the nearest exit?” I greeted. “He didn’t seem to be too willing until I mentioned I had some tasty peanuts with me. “Gimme peanuts first,” he answered, “then I will show you.” Well I shouldn’t have, because his answer was, while eating my peanuts, “I ( munch munch) really( more munching) don’t know. See, I am lost myself. Have you seen my wife?”.

The sun was dancing on my eyebrows as I looked to the east, west, north and south for any sign of life. I could feel my sweat pouring from all the wrong places as my brain was steaming deliciously like the soup damplings I had the other day at mr. Wok’s.

The plains were shining gold and yellow with scattered spots of green where acacia trees stood painstakingly in the scotch of the November sun. I am going to dry up here. I heard my brain warning me. I could feel my lips turning into dry scabs and pinching my mouth at the sides. I took out my only bottle of water, fear gripping into my parched throat as I observed what was the last few drops inside of it. Damn!

There goes my last drop of water, I thought to myself as my spongy throat sucked up every last trickle.

It has been two hours since our tour van broke down in the middle of the wild grasslands. I recalled how excited I was to join my friends on the tour of our lives. While everybody else sought the normal way of paying a company to take them to Masai Mara, we thought that was way too boring for us. We needed a different type of adventure, the kind which saw us coming to the wild, with just a van and one of us as the driver. Nobody thought we would only last a few hours before the greatest tragedy of our lives happened. Nobody cared to inspect the van either, we took what we could find under a very short notice and stormed our way into wildlife territory, where only normal human beings, well fed ,watered and sheltered under the cool roof of their van could make it out alive. We didn’t care for the nitty gritties of survival. How could we, when this was going to be the best adventure of our lives?

So we drove through into the wild, with only our thirsts for excitement and hopes to have something extraordinary happen to us, something we would never forget. It wasn’t just the safari experience we were after, for that was too mundane and lame for us. We wanted something more. And the wild grasslands happily obliged. Fast forward three hours later, and everyone is everywhere, all by themselves, trying to find help. I still think splitting up in a place like this was the dumbest idea, even though somehow we convinced ourselves that that was the only way we could find help more quickly, or locate a passing tour van since we had not even seen one for the past several hours when we had started our drive. One of us pointed out also, that certain territorial animals who have a taste for human flesh were more likely to notice us, if we stayed as groups, than if we dispersed.

So here I am now, with no water and missing a bag of peanuts, two hours later, with no idea where I was going to go. Come to think of it, Masai Mara is a popular destination for tourists all over the world. If I read the reviews on Trip Advisor correctly, this place should be swarming with cars going round and round all over these endless plains with excited tourists who would scream and point to every moving thing with their cameras. Why does this place look so deserted today? I followed the beaten path religiously in hopes of meeting a vehicle, but no luck. I tried to retrace my steps hoping to return to our paralyzed van, but I couldn’t remember how to get back there. All I saw were endless hills and a never-ending carpet of grass.

An ostrich running for his life after he realized I was human. I guess we don’t hold the best reputation in this place. Thanks to the poachers.

How do I survive? Will I get help?

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