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TESTIMONY- HOW JESUS RECONCILED ME WITH MY MUM

Dearest reader, I have kept mum for so long that I cannot postpone this testimony any longer. In fact, I have been nudged by my frequent jesus-themed dreams which were so vivid that I couldn’t ignore what I think Jesus is saying to me anymore. I believe Jesus wants me to say how he touched my life at home.

Now if you are familiar with my journey on this blog, you would know that family is the one area of my life I have struggled the most. Sometimes I wished I wasn’t even born. These were dark times; moments which left me scarred, bitter and unforgiving. But what I didn’t know was that Jesus was going to change decades and generations of chaos and conflict within my family by bringing us all together, in a loving and tolerant envelope of unconditional love and acceptance. Just like they say, the moment one receives Jesus into their heart, their entire household is transformed! Jesus did the impossible in my family- he is actively working to heal any rift and resentment all of us have held onto for so long against one another. Suddenly, I get along with my mum with whom I have fought for so long. And my mum is feeling merciful towards my grandma, something that was in fact, impossible to achieve until Jesus intervened. And boy! Am I thankful He did!

These past few days have been my happiest so far. I felt my inner child heal every moment I spent with mum. Jesus is healing all of us, all at the same time. He is breaking whatever curse my family has been under for generations. He is showing me miracles and he is not alone; He is working closely with His mum- our lady Mary. Several times I have had dreams where I call unto her to pray for me. I have slept listening to hail Marys and I could hear these prayers in my dreams. I am thankful and so humbled by Jesus for calling me to him. Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

Psalm 23, “The lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing…” Is where I draw my strength to keep going even when I don’t know what to do or where to go. Every time I am scared of anything, I hear Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God.” I just want to say this: I wish I welcomed Jesus into my heart many years ago and I can’t see a life without Him-not after I have known Him! Not ever!

The Narrow Gate

“Enter through the narrow gate…” is my bible verse of the day. I have been going through the most confusing and chaotic moment of my life. Since I received my bar exam results I have been lost. I performed well generally, except for one resit and I give all the credit to God. However, since then, I have not made up my mind about doing pupillage. It feels as if I need to wait for something else. As if the universe or God has a different plan for my life. I just wish I knew what it was!

I thought God wanted me to get married. However, that didn’t happen. For a moment there I thought God wanted to to focus on my mental health- that explains why I went to seek medical attention when I did(just around the same time I was supposed to do my pupillage). However, if you ask me right now what I think I should do my answer would be a simple, “I don’t know!”.

Recently I have been feeling so confused about my next step in life and so overwhelmed by my current state of affairs, that the only refuge I have is Jesus. I turn to the bible every time I need guidance. Especially, the book of Psalms. I feel like I need to start over, in a brand new life, with a whole new identity and mission. I feel like I need to change my path, my home, and my location. I want to listen to my heart and follow the signs I have been receiving. However, sometimes the signs get mixed up: I don’t know whether to stay or go because sometimes I see signs which urge me to both go and stay at the same time. So, which one do I follow? Which one is from Jesus and which one is from the evil one? Where is the narrow gate which very few find?

Hostel, Anyone?

Dearest reader, today was one of those days I typed in the word, “Horror” in my Netflix Search. And no, I don’t do this unless I want to scare myself for the following several weeks after watching a horror movie. You see, it has something to do with my overly-creative mind which then replays the horrific scenes in my mind later, when the lights are off and I am supposed to get some sleep-as if!

In hindsight, I have never quite understood my obsession with horror films and why I crave them once in a while. On a normal day, I would stay clear of anything that would trigger my mind in any unpleasant way, but there are those special days when I just want to torture myself. Speaking of torture, I watched Hostel II and III today in a row and all I have to say is this: My brain is still trying to find out what the hell it saw today. I wonder why I do this to myself despite the ravaging warnings from the part of my brain that is actually sensible or sane, for that matter. There are horror movies which are masterpieces ( for example, the works of Guillermo Del Torro) where you could actually connect with the characters and the story, but on the other hand, there is senseless content that preys on terror alone with uninteresting and overstretched backstories such as in the Hostel movies I watched. I feel like I need to wash my brain with soap! It was a lot of terrorizing and not much meaning. The producer/director doesn’t give us enough intimacy with the victims to help us feel utterly crushed for them since barely know them before they are sent to the slaughter house.

I don’t know anything about movies but I know this: I could have taken some time to make people love and sympathize with the victims. For example, in Hostel III, some of the guys who were slaughtered had children I didn’t know of before. A little backstory about the guy’s family couldn’t have hurt anyone. Any way, somewhere in Hostel III I got some ‘Squid Game’ feels a little, especially in the scene when the elite sponsors were watching the slaughter from behind a glass window. I feel like a little bit more could have been done to make the hostel movies more memorable.

With that said, please excuse me I have got some brain-washing to do!

The Unconscious

My dearest readers, I am here again, well thanks to some Eureka moment which I found myself in from watching, “Devil in Ohio”. And no! This isn’t about the Devil. It is about me and my struggle to understand the effects my childhood trauma has had upon my life. While deliciously mysterious with a strong start to it, the limited series is more about our childhood traumas and how we cope as adults than anything else- atleast to me.

Somewhere in the series, Dr. Suzanne is taking the step we all must take at some point of our life, especially if we had had a less than favorable childhood- seeing a therapist. She finds herself seated before a brain-picking genius of a therapist who spoke to me just as much as she spoke to our Dr. In that scene, she tells her that the reason she wants to save everyone even when it is not convenient for herself or her family, is because she wasn’t saved as a child from an abusive stepfather and a complacent mother. She has three amazing daughters, the last of whom she adopted, if you didn’t count the newest member of her family, an abused run-away girl from a satanic occult group. Apparently, according to the therapist, our Dr. would have saved every lost and unloved child in the universe, if she could. In that moment, when the therapist looked into her eyes and said these simple albeit powerful words, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Dearest reader, I don’t know why exactly these words struck me so deeply. Could it be because, I, like Dr. Suzanne, feel compelled to save others who appear to be in need of saving? Could it perhaps have anything to do with why I am drawn to help little abandoned kittens who have nobody to help them? Is this also why I am scared of being abandoned myself by family and friends? Also, why I am afraid of venturing out into the scary world outside my comfort zone and safe space?

For this reason, and many others, I find myself afraid of anything new. I want to stay with what’s familiar as long as I can, maybe, forever. I don’t want to break free if it means having to leave my safe space and face the uncertainty of the world outside. Outside is not safe. That is what my mind tells me. Nothing is guaranteed I might regret my decision to leave home if things don’t work out wherever it is I would be. I feel like Rapunzel, except if she were offered a chance to flee, I would instead choose to stay in the familiar, safe prison.

A Chasing After the Wind

Dearest readers, what do you think is the purpose of life?

The question has been on my mind forever. I remember all the moments spent raking my brains for an answer to this deceptively simple but oh, colossal question. Do you ever lie down and look up at the serene night sky and wonder why we are alive? I have, more times than I can care to count. And every time, I feel like I couldn’t be further away from the truth.

In my foolish quest I searched for meaning behind existence. I looked to religions, tossing and turning between Allah and Jesus. I looked around for poems, or books, anything which would give me an answer but, nothing!

Sometimes, I walk on the beach early in the morning to try and feel something. Maybe, God will show himself in the sound of waves, or in the whispers of the sea breeze or perhaps, in the patterns of the sea shell which I found lying on the coast line. Nothing.

After sometime, I started to wonder whether the Teacher in Ecclesiastes was right after all, when he said, “Everything is Meaningless”. For even my quest to find life’s meaning, is meaningless-a chasing after the wind!

Pure Joy

Dearest readers I am back again, with an inspiring quote from the Bible. I am sorry I call them quotes but I don’t know how else to refer to them being that I barely know anything about the book. Anyway, the quote I am talking about is found in James 2-10:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

James 2-7

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance

James 2-3

This statement is so powerful. In fact, right now, I needed so much to hear this. Life gets hard, we get flustered and confused. Not only that, but also we become forgetful of all those motivational books we have read and all the odds we have faced before and successfully conquered. Satan, or whoever it is, plants seeds of doubt in our minds and instead of gravitating toward God we pull back and away from Him during our darkest hour. So when in James the Bible read, “Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds,” my heart clicks and the ever-fleeting hope comes back to my heart. It is not all doom and gloom. Somebody went through the same hardships and felt just as hopeless many, many years ago. This means that there is a purpose for our suffering and that is wisdom and maturity.

Another powerful addition to the statement reads: “Let Perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” This means that we DON’T NEED TO DO ANYTHING during our darkest hour. We just need to trust in the process and let go of trying to control our circumstances or escape from our hardships. Those trials we go through serve a higher purpose we may not know about. Our job is to stick it out to the end without giving up or losing faith.

And finally, after all our troubles, we are told, God gives generously without finding fault which to me means that If we truly believe and trust in God in our tough times, if we fight the temptation to lose faith in Him, he will reward us and compensate us. On condition that we BELIEVE we already have what we asked for. This is the climax in that movie when Cinderella gets everything she dreamed of and way more than she could imagine was possible. It sounds easy but it is the hardest part. It is not easy to believe when you are not seeing any improvement. It is even more difficult to wait and hope when the circumstances only continue to get worse and worse. But if we can believe without doubt that God is still with us and for us in the darkest valleys on which we walk, we shall have no fear because our prosperity is guaranteed!

A Time For Everything

Dear Reader, I know I have been quiet, maybe, too quiet. But like everything else, my silence has a reason. You could say I have done the most healing and self-care in silence than any other time. Let me update you on what Has happened this past few weeks.

I have found Jesus in my struggles. Yes on several occasions I found myself calling him to come save me. And perhaps you could say he actually did, or IS doing right now. The universe in some mysterious way arranged for me to see a doctor for my mental health. He talks and I listen. I tell him about all the things I could only say on this blog before. Now, I see this as a huge step in my life since before now, I could only suffer alone, without anyone’s guidance or direction. And OH, HAVE I SUFFERED! You guys stand witness.

On the downside, seeing a doctor means that I am too sleepy to write. Sometimes I felt my mind numb and so I let it. These days, I am slowly finding my voice again. I hope this post is a testament to the fact that indeed nobody will help us if we don’t decide for ourselves to get the help we so desperately need and must have. I don’t know what the future holds but I am at peace with the fact that self-care and healing is finally a top priority in my life as of this moment. Like in the Bible, in Ecclesiastes 3 when it was said: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. Now is my time to heal!

When God Denies you, he multiplies you

I don’t think there is anything more left to say about the meaning of my title. I also don’t think anyone in the world is feeling as grateful as I am right now for this one person in my life who loves and cares for me. She means the world to me. In fact, sometimes I think I don’t deserve her. Sometimes I am in tears as I look at how my life has changed for the better ever since she cane into it. Most times, I am thanking God profusely for making her and sending her to me. I am convinced that some people are angels sent to us to help us and care for us in unconditional, extraordinary ways only angels can. For this reason, I find myself melting under the rays of her overflowing heart. I know there is love, but then more importantly, there is love love, which surpasses everything else. And this, right here, is love love. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for existing. Thank you for loving me so much that I forget all the people who didn’t love me. Thank you for being my soulmate,Sis.

Persuasion, the movie-Are You Persuaded?

Just a few breaths into the movie and I could feel something’s off. Well I persuaded myself to venture in further all thanks to Dakota, my girl from FSG and just then, an interesting scene about octopuses comes up:

Photo credit; Indiewire.com

Dakota playing Jane blurts out of nowhere:

Sometimes I have this dream that a giant octopus is sucking my face and as I struggle to get free I realize that my hands are tentacles and I can’t push it off. And then I realize of course that I AM the octopus and I am sucking my own face.

Jane in Persuasion.

Now, I don’t know about you guys but this scene right here is everything. Only if the makers of this film could make the movie more about that scene than anything else, I personally think it would have made into the top ten list of my favorite comedies of the year! I could tell through replaying the scene over and over again that Dakota tried so hard not to crack up as she said these most humorous words I have ever heard in a serious, socially-awkward, otherwise-proper setting such as the one in this film. In fact these words were so impactful to me that my mind immediately scareamed in delight, “Oh, that is so stanzi of her to say!”. Now if you don’t know who that is, let me enlighten you, with a warning however, for you will never be the same after. stanzi is a youtuber who uses sarcasm and dark humor to basically put us all in our places. Aside from that, I swear I haven’t seen anyone on the internet today more obsessed about octopuses than her! In particular, octopus p**n. So this scene just makes the whole movie worth something for me.

PARADISE

I can feel the wind on my sleep-deprived face almost kissing the dark circles under my eyes away. The hypnotic whispering talking trees behind me bob, dance and sway in the unrelenting and purposeful July wind.

As I lay my beat bottom surrendering to the damp and cool sand on this lazy morning beach, I feel ever so alive as nature does what it does best- giving me a restful and loving embrace, totally erasing all my troubles from my life.

Tommy- my soulmate.

In front of me, tiny crabs are doing what looks like sand-gliding across the sand. Some are curiously peeping out of their holes, some busy digging out the sand from their tiny cylindrical tunnels they lovingly cherish as their home. For the most part, they seem unfazed by my intrusive, yet peaceful presence as if I was a blob of sand, one with the beach. It is as if they have known me forever. One particular crab, Tommy, seems to have taken a keen interest in this stranger and won’t stop staring. That, or he is frozen motionless because of the intense chemistry we share.

My ears are drawn to the persistent sound of waves in the background. Oh yes, how could you miss such a lovely serenade just for me? They are particularly melodious today as they pour out their heart to me. Just then, a boat with curious onlookers passes before me. I could tell from their stunned expressions they were wearing that they must have wondered what a woman clad in veil is doing sitting on a beach in the early hours of the morning. To them I was a puzzle they couldn’t figure out. Especially when they see me focusing my gaze past them into the horizon, as if I was seeing something they weren’t. As if in a daze, stopping only to scribble something on a tiny piece of paper with my pen. To them, this was just one of the days of the week. To me, this very moment, sitting amongst the sea breeze, the waves and the trees is magical.

A boatful of fans

Once the boat went out of sight, I catch a glimpse of the sun as it takes its time to wake up for the day. Thick creamy blobs of clouds are covering it but even they couldn’t stop some of its radiant rays from escaping through the cracks. And how wonderful those rays were! They shined through the clouds determined to kiss the sea below them. A satisfied sigh came from my lips as I took in this precious moment, “This right here, is paradise!”.

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