Dearest reader, in my previous post I talked about the fact that I felt guilty for my sins since knowing Jesus. I think what I should have said is, I have started acknowledging my sins but that with God, who has been in our future and has seen the sins we have not yet committed but he still loves us in the present moment when we come before him in prayer, without an inkling of the sins already God is privy to in our future, that God still loves and accepts us regardless. My point is, if God can still love us even when he knows we are prone to sin always as long as we are human, why can’t we love and accept ourselves? Why do we feel guilt-stricken and hate ourselves when we fall below our own standards of what we think remaining righteous and god-conscious should be like? Why do we set very high standards for ourselves even when God still loves us with all our imperfections??
For this reason, I feel more and more with each passing day that we haven’t yet understood the way God sees us. I feel like religion has been interpreted to mean we have to choose between our humanness and all our flaws or righteousness which leaves us all giving up on our relationship with God the minute we fall short of this righteous image we have built in our minds. If God can welcome us when we think we have repented for our known sins and we are clean, when we are obviously not, but God still doesn’t guilt-trip us in every prayer session or meditation or shun us away in shame, why do we do that to ourselves? That is what I found myself thinking all through yesterday and today, when I stopped to look at my shame-stricken face in the mirror after I had touched myself in pleasure when I have been fighting so long not to thinking it would anger God so much if I caved into my sexual urge. In order to stay faithful to God I go through these intense self-denial phases which last for months during which I fight to repress my human sexual feelings. Today, I found myself wondering whether it was really God who was ashamed of my temporary lapse after months of denial and repression or if it was actually me who was ashamed and God still and will always love and accept me no matter how many times I lose in the battle against my sexual feelings!