The God Who Is in Our Future

Dearest reader, in my previous post I talked about the fact that I felt guilty for my sins since knowing Jesus. I think what I should have said is, I have started acknowledging my sins but that with God, who has been in our future and has seen the sins we have not yet committed but he still loves us in the present moment when we come before him in prayer, without an inkling of the sins already God is privy to in our future, that God still loves and accepts us regardless. My point is, if God can still love us even when he knows we are prone to sin always as long as we are human, why can’t we love and accept ourselves? Why do we feel guilt-stricken and hate ourselves when we fall below our own standards of what we think remaining righteous and god-conscious should be like? Why do we set very high standards for ourselves even when God still loves us with all our imperfections??

For this reason, I feel more and more with each passing day that we haven’t yet understood the way God sees us. I feel like religion has been interpreted to mean we have to choose between our humanness and all our flaws or righteousness which leaves us all giving up on our relationship with God the minute we fall short of this righteous image we have built in our minds. If God can welcome us when we think we have repented for our known sins and we are clean, when we are obviously not, but God still doesn’t guilt-trip us in every prayer session or meditation or shun us away in shame, why do we do that to ourselves? That is what I found myself thinking all through yesterday and today, when I stopped to look at my shame-stricken face in the mirror after I had touched myself in pleasure when I have been fighting so long not to thinking it would anger God so much if I caved into my sexual urge. In order to stay faithful to God I go through these intense self-denial phases which last for months during which I fight to repress my human sexual feelings. Today, I found myself wondering whether it was really God who was ashamed of my temporary lapse after months of denial and repression or if it was actually me who was ashamed and God still and will always love and accept me no matter how many times I lose in the battle against my sexual feelings!

A STILL-Muslim Girl’s Encounter with Jesus and How it Changed Her Life

Dearest reader, I know I am probably confusing all of my readers when I talk about receiving the Holy Spirit and Jesus when I have been a practicing muslim all of my life. Let me explain:

Somehow, only after receiving Jesus did my life change overnight: I seem to have unlocked an uninterruputed access to God- Allah, whom I have been worshipping all of my life. My prayer life has changed and I no longer struggle to maintain my five daily prayers like before. Secondly, I have been seeing signs and synchronicity left , right and center. It is as if my life path has become evidently clear and my purpose has finally been unveiled after searching for it for so long; to teach and call people to God and to warn them of the coming apocalypse or end of days. Now, I have been seeking God and it feels like he has opened his door for me after so many years of waiting, temptations and distractions. Thirdly, I have been seeing prophetic dreams of the apocalypse and of Jesus urging me to teach others about him. Now, before you judge me, I am still a muslim, I pray and declare the shahada except that I have become even closer to Allah, through Jesus. Call me crazy, Jesus opened the door to get closer to Allah whom I see as the same as God, the father in heaven.

Honestly, I am still trying to figure all of this out and might be wrong to say that the God Allah of muslims is the same God, the father of Christians. I don’t know why but I strongly believe, that christians and muslims worship the same God of heaven and believe in the same word under different labels. Now please don’t hang me for saying this, but I have received many signs through dreams and both The Quran and The Bible that Muslims and Christians serve the same God just under different titles. When I read the Bible and Quran, I see the words and commandments of a similar God;His voice comes out as clearly in Quran as in the Bible. Now, mind you, I have only just begun reading some of the Bible and I am in no way declaring what is in this post to be evident truth. Until further research and reading of both these holy texts, I am not owning anything I say in this post to be the ultimate conclusion about these two major religions in the world!

Back to the topic, I have seen radical changes within myself and my family ever since I accepted Jesus into my heart: my broken home and family are restored. My previously staggering relationships with my family members are being actively healed as we speak. Personally, I have changed significantly; I feel like a new person, who is calmer and more peaceful and less sinful. I feel more connected to God than I have ever been before. I also feel a tremendous sense of guilt for my sins and humble for having done so many mistakes and still God called out to me in spite of all of the sins in my past. I am taking accountability for all the wrongs done in the past and all the mishaps which show up in my character and behavior once in a while. I am not hesitant to say, “I am wrong” or “I am responsible for this or that”. I never hesitate to apologize and I don’t feed into my ego self anymore. I am also connecting on a deeper level with my family with whom I have had feelings of resentment and bitterness for years! As if that is not enough, I also keep getting prophetic dreams about the apocalyspse or end of days in which I see myself teaching people about God urging them to return to him before it is too late. Just tonight, I dreamt about that and specifically I was appalled when I saw Jesus come out headless! I am still trying to understand why I saw him like this: perhaps, it could be that he is concerned about the church or his people who have slept on his message. Perhaps it was a symbol of the final days and of spiritual death- like zombies or mummies, we have slept on God and his word and our hearts don’t beat for God anymore but for the worldly things. Sometimes, I ask myself, “why am I seeing all these restless and repetitive warnings about the apocalypse in my dreams?” At one point I thought perhaps, the collective unconscious warnings I have been seeing on the internet lately, by Christians, about the last days and second coming of Jesus Christ have been seeping into my dreams through my subconscious mind, which in turn has picked them up and is creatively replaying them in my mind. But , sometimes I am convinced that that may not be the case because of how clear and persistent the message in my dreams is.

Lastly, Like I said, I have a lot of bible studying left to do and the fact that I am a practicing muslim does not in any way restrict me from studying the bible or any other religious text, as far as I know. I stand to be corrected. What I know is that my journey to find God and the meaning of this earthly life is just getting started and I am not planning on letting the fact that I already believe in one religion, Islam, stop me from discovering more about God and the meaning of life. And with that said, I am concluding this post with this relevant bible verse:

Acts 2:17

17 “ ‘In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.”

What Life is Teaching me Today about Love

My lord, I don’t know what to do. I am angry on the inside. My mother demands  too much from me. I feel like my little sister thinks I hate her which is not true at all. I think of her and want the best for her but I don’t know why I am so angry all the time. My lord at this point just do what you want with me because I am tired of fighting to keep everyone pleased and happy.

I am tired of going out of my way to make others happy. At the end of the day out of a hundred  good things I do for others, they will focus on the one bad thing I have done. This one mistake will be so big and so amplified that it will render ineffective all the time and efforts I have put in to make others happy. This includes my family as well. I feel like the lesson here is I have to love myself and put myself first and foremost. Perhaps that is the lesson I have to learn in this lifetime. Every time I think I am wise enough and I know everything, life laughs in my face and shows me just how much growing and learning I have to do. It shows me just how much I don’t yet know. For example, I love my little sister so much and I go out of my way to make her feel loved and appreciated but when she disappoints me through her little annoying behaviors I can’t tolerate it because I expect a high standard of loyalty from her. I expect her to let it go when I am mad at her. Of course this is what I have been doing in my life and I guess that is why I have cut off so many people out of my life. It seems as if I am looking for something, some level of love and care which human beings are not capable of giving to me. This way I am disappointed every time someone I love lets me down. I amplify the action they ave done to catastrophic levels and I find myself dangerously heartbroken to the point of wanting nothing to do with the person anymore. Which makes me think, how will I be able to forgive and overlook the mistakes of my family and friends? What would happen if I demanded an impossible level of obedience and loyalty from my family every time I give them my love and affection? I think I am looking for an impossible type of love which is not possible for human relationships. I don’t think the problem on my side is love; the problem is in how I love.

Right or Wrong?

Dearest reader, as I was making breakfast earlier, I had an epiphany of sorts. And you know me, I had to turn that stove off and write. What else is new? So here goes…

There is no right or wrong way of doing life; There just is. I know as I say these words, I need to say them with much caution for fear of coming off righteous or pretentious. Just please keep in mind that as much as I teach you some of the things I suddenly seem to discover about life and the meaning of life, I am also teaching myself. What I tell you, I am consciously telling myself too.

So what does it mean when I say there is no right or wrong way to do life? Does it mean we are all right by the choices we make and how we live? Does it mean I am right, you are right and so is that criminal who just received a life sentence? Absolutely, yes! That is what I mean. We ARE ALL RIGHT; IN OUR OWN UNIQUE WAY. Yes! Even that criminal is right on the course of where their soul wants to learn in this life in order to evolve. I don’t suppose to know what the criminal’s purpose is but I bet their soul or higher self knows best. And I will go even further to say that therefore, nobody can be wrong for the level of soul development is different for each one of us. What may seem evil for me might be just another afternoon for a soul that is developing on a DIFFERENT plane than mine. I emphasize this word: different because we seem to seriously overlook this very important fact by creating standards and assuming everyone else who is not following them is wrong. There is no such thing as right or wrong. And because even as I say these words I am having a difficult time accepting them, the only one person who can see life and us in this way has to be God and Him alone!

Now I know I am walking on a suspended bridge here when I say nobody is wrong in God’s eyes, just so in our human eyes- which is you stretch this further you would come to the obvious conclusion that there cannot be hell or heaven for as long as there is a God who can see us and accept us all as right, regardless of our human and societal concepts of right and wrong. Now these words are powerful I know. They are like the tower in tarot which crumbles and is set ablaze. That is how much threat these words may have on religion and basically every law that is man-made. through the same lens I want you to imagine that your true north will always point to what brings you true happiness because that is what your soul needs in this life time. Perhaps your true north urges you to find meaning in God and the supernatural and you find yourself an atheist or a realist, you will only be happy if you change course- and you will because your soul will prompt, push and nudge you towards finding God and until you do you would have not otherwise lived your purpose in this life time.( Does it then mean that you will have to come back again! Or maybe, we just can’t escape our true north and will always choose it whether we want to or not?)

Even as I say these thought-provoking words, I realize I have a true north in Sagittarius and a destiny number 7 which can explain why I seek for meaning beyond the material and physical aspects of life. It can also explain why I seem to suddenly know these things which I teach you. Does this make any sense? I sure hope so!

So, in conclusion, while we may feel inclined to think and believe our personal journeys are superior to others’, I advise myself and all of you to eat some humble pie. Because the truth is, there is no superior or inferior, there just is what we need to be, at this point in time(of course and in our soul development process).

TESTIMONY- HOW JESUS RECONCILED ME WITH MY MUM

Dearest reader, I have kept mum for so long that I cannot postpone this testimony any longer. In fact, I have been nudged by my frequent jesus-themed dreams which were so vivid that I couldn’t ignore what I think Jesus is saying to me anymore. I believe Jesus wants me to say how he touched my life at home.

Now if you are familiar with my journey on this blog, you would know that family is the one area of my life I have struggled the most. Sometimes I wished I wasn’t even born. These were dark times; moments which left me scarred, bitter and unforgiving. But what I didn’t know was that Jesus was going to change decades and generations of chaos and conflict within my family by bringing us all together, in a loving and tolerant envelope of unconditional love and acceptance. Just like they say, the moment one receives Jesus into their heart, their entire household is transformed! Jesus did the impossible in my family- he is actively working to heal any rift and resentment all of us have held onto for so long against one another. Suddenly, I get along with my mum with whom I have fought for so long. And my mum is feeling merciful towards my grandma, something that was in fact, impossible to achieve until Jesus intervened. And boy! Am I thankful He did!

These past few days have been my happiest so far. I felt my inner child heal every moment I spent with mum. Jesus is healing all of us, all at the same time. He is breaking whatever curse my family has been under for generations. He is showing me miracles and he is not alone; He is working closely with His mum- our lady Mary. Several times I have had dreams where I call unto her to pray for me. I have slept listening to hail Marys and I could hear these prayers in my dreams. I am thankful and so humbled by Jesus for calling me to him. Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

Psalm 23, “The lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing…” Is where I draw my strength to keep going even when I don’t know what to do or where to go. Every time I am scared of anything, I hear Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God.” I just want to say this: I wish I welcomed Jesus into my heart many years ago and I can’t see a life without Him-not after I have known Him! Not ever!

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