The Narrow Gate

“Enter through the narrow gate…” is my bible verse of the day. I have been going through the most confusing and chaotic moment of my life. Since I received my bar exam results I have been lost. I performed well generally, except for one resit and I give all the credit to God. However, since then, I have not made up my mind about doing pupillage. It feels as if I need to wait for something else. As if the universe or God has a different plan for my life. I just wish I knew what it was!

I thought God wanted me to get married. However, that didn’t happen. For a moment there I thought God wanted to to focus on my mental health- that explains why I went to seek medical attention when I did(just around the same time I was supposed to do my pupillage). However, if you ask me right now what I think I should do my answer would be a simple, “I don’t know!”.

Recently I have been feeling so confused about my next step in life and so overwhelmed by my current state of affairs, that the only refuge I have is Jesus. I turn to the bible every time I need guidance. Especially, the book of Psalms. I feel like I need to start over, in a brand new life, with a whole new identity and mission. I feel like I need to change my path, my home, and my location. I want to listen to my heart and follow the signs I have been receiving. However, sometimes the signs get mixed up: I don’t know whether to stay or go because sometimes I see signs which urge me to both go and stay at the same time. So, which one do I follow? Which one is from Jesus and which one is from the evil one? Where is the narrow gate which very few find?

Hostel, Anyone?

Dearest reader, today was one of those days I typed in the word, “Horror” in my Netflix Search. And no, I don’t do this unless I want to scare myself for the following several weeks after watching a horror movie. You see, it has something to do with my overly-creative mind which then replays the horrific scenes in my mind later, when the lights are off and I am supposed to get some sleep-as if!

In hindsight, I have never quite understood my obsession with horror films and why I crave them once in a while. On a normal day, I would stay clear of anything that would trigger my mind in any unpleasant way, but there are those special days when I just want to torture myself. Speaking of torture, I watched Hostel II and III today in a row and all I have to say is this: My brain is still trying to find out what the hell it saw today. I wonder why I do this to myself despite the ravaging warnings from the part of my brain that is actually sensible or sane, for that matter. There are horror movies which are masterpieces ( for example, the works of Guillermo Del Torro) where you could actually connect with the characters and the story, but on the other hand, there is senseless content that preys on terror alone with uninteresting and overstretched backstories such as in the Hostel movies I watched. I feel like I need to wash my brain with soap! It was a lot of terrorizing and not much meaning. The producer/director doesn’t give us enough intimacy with the victims to help us feel utterly crushed for them since barely know them before they are sent to the slaughter house.

I don’t know anything about movies but I know this: I could have taken some time to make people love and sympathize with the victims. For example, in Hostel III, some of the guys who were slaughtered had children I didn’t know of before. A little backstory about the guy’s family couldn’t have hurt anyone. Any way, somewhere in Hostel III I got some ‘Squid Game’ feels a little, especially in the scene when the elite sponsors were watching the slaughter from behind a glass window. I feel like a little bit more could have been done to make the hostel movies more memorable.

With that said, please excuse me I have got some brain-washing to do!

The Unconscious

My dearest readers, I am here again, well thanks to some Eureka moment which I found myself in from watching, “Devil in Ohio”. And no! This isn’t about the Devil. It is about me and my struggle to understand the effects my childhood trauma has had upon my life. While deliciously mysterious with a strong start to it, the limited series is more about our childhood traumas and how we cope as adults than anything else- atleast to me.

Somewhere in the series, Dr. Suzanne is taking the step we all must take at some point of our life, especially if we had had a less than favorable childhood- seeing a therapist. She finds herself seated before a brain-picking genius of a therapist who spoke to me just as much as she spoke to our Dr. In that scene, she tells her that the reason she wants to save everyone even when it is not convenient for herself or her family, is because she wasn’t saved as a child from an abusive stepfather and a complacent mother. She has three amazing daughters, the last of whom she adopted, if you didn’t count the newest member of her family, an abused run-away girl from a satanic occult group. Apparently, according to the therapist, our Dr. would have saved every lost and unloved child in the universe, if she could. In that moment, when the therapist looked into her eyes and said these simple albeit powerful words, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

Dearest reader, I don’t know why exactly these words struck me so deeply. Could it be because, I, like Dr. Suzanne, feel compelled to save others who appear to be in need of saving? Could it perhaps have anything to do with why I am drawn to help little abandoned kittens who have nobody to help them? Is this also why I am scared of being abandoned myself by family and friends? Also, why I am afraid of venturing out into the scary world outside my comfort zone and safe space?

For this reason, and many others, I find myself afraid of anything new. I want to stay with what’s familiar as long as I can, maybe, forever. I don’t want to break free if it means having to leave my safe space and face the uncertainty of the world outside. Outside is not safe. That is what my mind tells me. Nothing is guaranteed I might regret my decision to leave home if things don’t work out wherever it is I would be. I feel like Rapunzel, except if she were offered a chance to flee, I would instead choose to stay in the familiar, safe prison.

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