Fear is my enemy. I didn’t know the ghost that was haunting me had a name but there was always something inside me making me afraid of stepping outside or meeting people. Especially if those people have bullied me in the past or hurt me. In fact, I would be happiest alone, snug in my most comfortable clothes regardless if they made me look like I didn’t care about my appearance, or my hygiene very much. I would be safest here, in my room, glancing at the world through the windows or the occasional time I went outside, under the cover of the night, to buy necessities.
People are hard work. When you meet them you have to work a smile and look them in the eye otherwise you may come off as a coward, or worse, weird. You have to greet someone-who somehow knows your entire life history, including that time you were an adolescent and everyone thought you were possessed by a ghost because you were so strange- and be terrified to ask their name and pretend you know them anyway. And then there is the good old crowd of your relatives gathered in one place and you must show up and pretend you don’t mind the mean comments about your mum made in your presence or the judgy look downs from your aunts who think they are better than you could ever be your entire life. All this time, your mind is racing between Staying or leaving and never returning. Then you recall that time in your life almost two decades ago, when your young self always wished to row away in a dingy boat in the middle of the night to far, far away every time you passed by string of old boats docked by the seafront.
Sometimes I am convinced that people are not on my side and that could be because they rarely ever were, ever! Perhaps I had been too disappointed as a child and abandoned many times to trust any adult human being. Perhaps that is why I don’t speak human well. Perhaps, that is also why I speak child and animal better.
After realizing all of this about myself, I feel even more helpless as I see how common and normal all of these things I fear are. It is normal to be abandoned by those who are supposed to be there for you. It is a normal Tuesday to trust and be betrayed, or to love and be hated or just to be a target of every mean-spirited adult to ever exist! It is also normal to feel out of place, and that is why everyone would rather think they came from Sirius or Lemuria, or even the moon, anywhere but here because here is awful.
For these reasons, I am okay with having these ghosts because they are not just my ghosts but all of ours. These ghosts are a sign that something is wrong in the world we live in today. They are the effect of all the stuff that’s gone wrong and continues to do so in our systems and societies. Kindness and love diminish as selfishness and maliciousness increase and that is why we don’t feel safe outside. It has nothing to do with us, but everything to do with what’s going on in the world. Therefore, don’t fix me fix the world!