After a serious bowling with tears, snort and all I felt a strange wave of silence. The light bugs knocking against the fluorescent light in my bedroom suddenly stopped. It was as if I had finally caught the universe or God’s attention. I was in pain, misery doesn’t even begin to describe the state of shambles I was in at the time. I wanted it to end: the timeline of hell I had been stuck inside of, the cycle of anxiety that went on and on, endlessly torturing me and my heart, or whatever remains of it, which is ready to rewind the day I was born and erase it from the record of life. I was unhappy in every sense of the word and in every synonym and vocabulary ever invented to describe being in that hellish state.
I had given up hope on my vocation, because it didn’t bring me joy. I tried my best to hold back the time I would have to return to it but that time was cut short. What happened? Just when I was trying to manifest a fresh start which would guarantee a peaceful existence writing, reading and painting and having nothing to do with the crippling anxiety of the lackluster rigidity we call the law profession, I received a call for an interview for pupillage. I am sure most people would be happy to ever be shortlisted but in my case, I was having a serious case of heart palpitations. It was downhill from there. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t hear people talking and I dreaded ever having picked that call in the first place. Esther Hicks once said, you knew it wasn’t the right path for you by how it made you feel. So far, everything to do with law just never felt right. I recall the many times I broke down depressed or went into undergraduate exams completely blank. In addition, even after many years have passed, I still couldn’t learn to love it. And that says a lot!(I am naturally bubbling with love which could fill the whole world and then a planet)
I had to travel the very next day since the interview was going to be just a day away, a fact that lit my chest with even more fire that had every intention of exploding. I felt my new-found painting days dissolving into thin air and my new found sense of freedom and peace floating away to become clouds which looked like faces of people smirking as if to mock me, ” You think you could get away so easy?”.
I wanted my freedom, I tricked myself into thinking I had found it at last forgetting that as long as you are a lawyer, freedom only exists as measly statements on those rare occasions in your copy-pasted pleadings as you try to claim the right to liberty which is a joke in itself: The whole world is a prison where people dream of one thing and then end up paying hundreds of thousands to learn the exact opposite of what they love and because they have invested all that money and time getting depressed and unhappy, they get stuck because now they must take it upon yourself to suffer even more doing what they hate just so they could pay rent, eat and survive.
Anyway back to the topic, as the flight took off I felt even more uneasy as I thought of why I was still doing this even when every fiber of my being screamed, ” No! Free Yourself!”. I took a copy of the Quran in hopes of silencing that voice that has now been drilling holes into my brain trying to wake it up. I prayed and read the words of God hoping God in his own handwriting would write , “Go home my daughter! Fluff the interview. I set you free!” on the fluffy blanket of clouds which were now engulfing us. But he didn’t. I felt torn between going and suddenly not and I know it might sound funny because I was already in the air flying. But as God would have it, there was a stop of a few minutes midway and that is when my heart just couldn’t take it anymore. It actually came out of my chest, blood and all, and talked to me with a mouth in its face.(Yes, hearts do have mouths like us and can talk to us in those rare moments when we refuse to listen to its polite nudgings) It said to my face as I watched in horror, “Fluffing get up and get off this flight deafnuts!” And I found myself on my feet in a second and asking the attendants if they could allow people to alight midway. When they said yes I couldn’t believe my ears! I found my mouth against the better judgment of my brain, smiling from ear to ear and the following words came out of my mouth, “I am following my intuition. This is gonna be exciting!” And before long, I was collecting my bags and walking into a town with no idea where I would go or what I would do except that it felt right. This place felt right!