I love him very much. Yes I do, I absolutely do!
Next morning… Wait a minute, I don’t love him anymore! Wait, what?
This has been me before on more than one occasion I have loved someone or thought I did only to feel indifferent towards them soon after. I would not notice this of course until after someone pointed it out to me once. I was shocked to learn of this habit which had cost me potential suitors, as they call them in Bridgerton. I also attribute my severe loneliness at 28 years old to this habit. Why am I like this?
In hindsight, I could see why the string of men who had met me and loved me were left feeling confused and shocked about my behavior. Apparently, as mum once made me realize, I would be head over heels in love with someone in the beginning only to change my mind about them later, making me feel like a very bad person for leaving them. I would do this by ghosting them, mostly because I didn’t understand why I had a change of heart. Also, back then and maybe still, I had a problem communicating how I feel and this increased my chances of being a spinster governess to some heir of an earl somewhere-except in reality, that is nowhere.
I am left with a blog to talk about my feelings and overcompensate the fact that my early mornings would have been spent being made love to in the arms of my one and only instead of writing about not enjoying any of that. It sucks, yes but this is the last year I will spend without my husband.
Back to the topic, I have grown doubtful of my heart whenever it tells me I might love someone. I recall how I jumped to confess my feelings only to break the hearts of my victims horribly later. For this reason, I made a promise to simply switch off the love signals coming from my heart. I am scared to trust that little pitter pattering of my heart beat or that wave of catatonic shifting in my stomach which I get every time I think I love someone. I cannot trust my heart and this saddens me a lot because we are supposed to listen to our hearts and follow our gut feelings, aren’t we? Except they have let me down before and now I am scared.
This brings me to my question, “How are we supposed to know which feelings to trust and which to pass over?”