Lost

I feel lost. My mind is wondering what happens after school? Will I really find something to do in this career? How come none of the applications I sent out got a reply? Am I missing something? Am I not employable enough? Or is it that the world has turned poor and cannot pay for services? I am feeling lost.

Life is good when I get busy and work towards a purpose. The last year my purpose was learning as much as I can about the business of advocates. However, this purpose is coming to an anti-climactic stop with the end of these exams. What next after law school? I have no idea!

As you already know, I have not been too excited about the idea of returning home. Those of you who don’t know, I have struggled at home more than anywhere else. I was neglected and abandoned by my own parents and while I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time, I realized how much of a big deal it was because of the emotional and social scars that experience left me with. And also because even at 28 years old with an achievement of being an aspiring advocate of the High Court of Kenya, I struggle each and every day with self-confidence, self belief, self esteem and self love. I am always reminded of the fact that I wasn’t loved whenever I see my friends receive love and attention from their family. I am constantly encapsulated in feelings of unworthiness and this affects my performance in school since I am smart and intelligent but even as I say these words my brain is having a hard time accepting them. I am wiser than my age and perhaps that is one thing I can say I have achieved through such horrific upbringing or lack there of.

I am thankful honestly for how far I have come considering most of this time if not all I felt like I was a charity case where people who were samaritans had to help me here and there as I tried to beat the odds my family and life had kept piling up for me, to hold me back and keep me from progressing in life. I am thankful for the helpful people who were there for me when I needed it the most. I am thankful for this blog which has become my companion and the evidence of the first time I committed to something for more than 6 months and loving it every day.

Finally, I would like to say that I may not know exactly what is next in my life, my next big project, my purpose and meaning, but I have faith and belief that the next phase of my life is going to be the best yet. Good things are coming my way, things which will blow my mind and rest all my insecurities and worries about myself and my future. I know that the universe is bringing into my life fortune and happiness the like of which my mind has never imagined. It will exceed any imagination I have had of what a happy and fulfilling life looks like. I shall move forward with hope and confidence in myself and total trust in God to handle all matters on my behalf for the best possible outcome. God, universe, I trust you.

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