I am sad

I am angry and sad. Reason being I just cannot seem to understand my family. Every time I get a call mum has something to complain about. She will rant and rant about the same things about how my grandma is annoying her and how she cannot stand her for a minute. Trust me when you grow up hearing about how your family hates each other and how there will never be a day when you all could co-exist under one roof without alarming neighbours with raised voices and hullabaloo of tantrums and quarrels, home is the last place you want to be.

Mum has been making the wrong decisions anyone could make in one lifetime. She recently got divorced and remarried a 27 year old young man, my age. Currently, as I am in school doing my bar exams, this young man is sleeping in my tiny bed, the only bed in the house. Mum doesn’t normally live with us but somehow she decided to return for Ramadhan and like a handbag on her shoulder, she carried her young husband with her despite knowing there is no place to sleep. Somehow according to her, it is okay for this young man to sleep on my tiny bed and room and make it his own in my time away. I don’t know about you but I cringe at the thought of a man sleeping in my bed. Infact, I have never shared my bed with anyone since I turned 12. You can imagine how hard this is for me.

Why would mum make life difficult for me? Why has she made selfish choices without considering my wellbeing? Why has she been acting this way? I don’t know. I am respectful of everyone’s boundaries. I never impose on her despite the fact that she is my mum and she should naturally accommodate me and make me part of her life. Whenever I visit her place she would start going off about how I use the space and control my movements around the house. She would start speaking crazy about her young husband and carry him as if he is fragile made of eggs. Whenever she gets close to a man she doubts him and everyone around him, including me. She could just as easily think the neighbor is cheating with her husband or her husband is coming onto me. It has been like this every time she married someone, and that is almost a hundred times now. I wish she could just grow up and make better choices in life. I wish she would prioritize her family over her own obsession with marriage.

Life has not been easy whenever she is married. She takes on a whole new obsession for her mate and she could send a five year old out to the market or shops at night just to prevent sending out her man, in fear he would meet with women and cheat on her. I cannot count the many times she sent me out when I was a young girl late at night to the shop while my then step dad would be warm and cozy watching TV. In fact, she would even let him stay in all day and not go out to work just because he could meet other women outside. Now she is doing the same to my younger sister. She just told me how her young man is lethargic and tired when he fasts and cannot go out to the market to get groceries so she sends out my younger sibling who is barely nine years old to run her errands. I immediately went berserk on the phone and told her she just can’t do that. Our village has not been safe recently and kids go missing sometimes. I didn’t have a choice but to reprimand her. If God is listening right now, can he please protect my little sister?

I feel like crap honestly. My heart is aching. I cannot not go back home. It is my home after all. They are my family, even the young man is too. I just know that what awaits me there is quarrels, tension, suspicions of being involved with her young man, fights between her and my grandma who is now old, frail and bones. If I meddled I would face even more fire and my mind and body just can’t take any of that anymore. I pray that everyone who is stuck in a toxic family environment is rescued. I pray that God has mercy on me and sends me a way out of there as fast as he can. I pray that I have my own peaceful home and stay far away from my mother as possible. If possible I could take my grandma with me and see that she has peaceful rest of her remaining days. If there is a God out there who cares about his people, I beseech him to rescue me and give me a new home and a loving family.

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