Shards of Glass

Where my heart used to be lay scattered shards of glass. They sting and cut and sink into my chest.

They warn me about that man and this man. “He will break open your chest with an axe- like they all did! Beware! Beware!” They push deep into my cavity. That place inside of me which feels like the most hollow of wells. The kind that are dark, deep and dry.

I want to love again, I say. “As if you could!” They torment. “You will hurt again!” They warn. “There is no room for love here, only pain.”

I wish to be blinded by love. To bask in its warmth. To jump like the fool over the cliff. Serene and ever so in love. I miss the feeling of making someone else the center of the universe. I miss to love and fall deep in love.

You Don’t Have to do anything!

You don’t have to do anything, things are being done for you. They always were. Right from the moment you were conceived. You didn’t have to do anything then, and you don’t have to now.

Most people think they must act in order to effect change. That is not the case for whether or not you want, your life is constantly changing. Things shift and people change. If you are not ready to move along with these changes, then life makes it so that you are not comfortable where you are just so you could move.

Interestingly, the moment we try and control how our life goes is the very same we are met with unexpected twists and turns. We need to stop and become conscious that life has its own rythm and its own beat. It will happen when it does. The best thing we can do is in the here and now. What we have is right now.

While listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer, I realized something life-changing. He said that we don’t have to do anything. That things are being done all over around us and within us. Trying to control anything from happening or not is going against this streamline of life and that is where frustration, anxiety, stress and depression come from. The moment we accept this flow of life and let go of the need to control ourselves and those around us, that is when we will gain freedom. Freedom from worry and stress.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. The secret to life is to realize that without you doing anything, things are happening for you. Can you surrender to this flow of life and let it take you where you are meant to be?

We all exist to give to one another

She is in my life for a reason. I know it. She was there for me and now I am there for her. When we have both served our purpose for being in each other’s life, that is when we will part so everyone can go their own way. Isn’t that how it always is? It ends when it is time. Not a second before. That is the way all our relationships work, that is how it goes with everyone we meet in our life.

We all exist to give to one another: pain or purpose depends on the contract. The elusive contract which we forgot was about. The one we made between ourselves some thousand years back. When we knew what we’d get into. It didn’t bother us then but it does now. Some painful things people gift us we wish we could have done without them. But without them, we wouldn’t have become so enlightened and wise. So, were they a true gift in disguise?

Have faith that everyone we meet is there for a reason. That we couldn’t force an end even if the whole world helped us if that purpose hasn’t been fulfilled yet. We must learn to wait and to endure painful relationships. We must have faith. We must know that a good student does her best to learn fastest and pass that test. And if we must fail the first time and then again, we can always retake that life lesson. We can always relearn until we learn.

Wobbly Heart Compass

I love him very much. Yes I do, I absolutely do!

Next morning… Wait a minute, I don’t love him anymore! Wait, what?

This has been me before on more than one occasion I have loved someone or thought I did only to feel indifferent towards them soon after. I would not notice this of course until after someone pointed it out to me once. I was shocked to learn of this habit which had cost me potential suitors, as they call them in Bridgerton. I also attribute my severe loneliness at 28 years old to this habit. Why am I like this?

In hindsight, I could see why the string of men who had met me and loved me were left feeling confused and shocked about my behavior. Apparently, as mum once made me realize, I would be head over heels in love with someone in the beginning only to change my mind about them later, making me feel like a very bad person for leaving them. I would do this by ghosting them, mostly because I didn’t understand why I had a change of heart. Also, back then and maybe still, I had a problem communicating how I feel and this increased my chances of being a spinster governess to some heir of an earl somewhere-except in reality, that is nowhere.

I am left with a blog to talk about my feelings and overcompensate the fact that my early mornings would have been spent being made love to in the arms of my one and only instead of writing about not enjoying any of that. It sucks, yes but this is the last year I will spend without my husband.

Back to the topic, I have grown doubtful of my heart whenever it tells me I might love someone. I recall how I jumped to confess my feelings only to break the hearts of my victims horribly later. For this reason, I made a promise to simply switch off the love signals coming from my heart. I am scared to trust that little pitter pattering of my heart beat or that wave of catatonic shifting in my stomach which I get every time I think I love someone. I cannot trust my heart and this saddens me a lot because we are supposed to listen to our hearts and follow our gut feelings, aren’t we? Except they have let me down before and now I am scared.

This brings me to my question, “How are we supposed to know which feelings to trust and which to pass over?”

Changing the Narrative

Life is great. Everything is working out perfectly. I am positively surprised with how things are turning out for the good of everyone. My family is a joy to be around. Wait! Wasn’t I so worried about coming back here just last week? I remember crying about it to God and wishing I was far, far away from home as possible. So, what changed? My narrative!

I told my mind I was going to get along with my family, at least for the most part. I said I was going to try and speak how I feel instead of shouting how I feel. There is a huge difference between the two, for the obvious reason that the former gets people to listen to you and respond better whereas, the latter just gives you a sore throat, makes a bad day terrible and induces an unwanted headache. Not to mention the severe depressive episodes which follow after every fight or break down. Emotions are meant to be controlled. My ultimate goal right now is to stay on top of them as much as I can. If I could turn myself into the calmest, most collected monk in the world I would.

Perhaps, many wise people have spoken about the power of changing the story we tell about our life to ourselves and others, but mostly our own minds. The mind is like a child, it will believe what you tell it. Is today a bad day? Okay. He hates you? Alright! Your family is intolerable! Absolutely. There is a reason why we are unhappy and 99% of the time it has everything to do with the stories we hold onto and refuse to let go of. If at some point we had a rough time and we suffered, the mind gets used to this suffering and I would say it does more than that by actually marrying it and integrating it into its system of thoughts and emotions. We forget to move on and divorce these memories of pain and dysfunction and subconsciously keep dragging the same baggage with us wherever we go like the bowels in our gut. On the outside we look groomed and neat, but in our bellies, poop is getting made by the hour which we carry around inside of us everywhere we go.

It is for this reason that we must update the system of our thoughts and check which stories our minds are currently playing about our life, our love or lack of it, our spouses, our homes, our work and even that last time you tasted mango and decided it gives you gas. Can you check to see whether mangoes actually give gas or whether you just ate too much diary that day and being lactose intolerant, you assumed the mango was the culprit when it was you all along. It is interesting when you start being aware of the thoughts running through your mind. If you listen to them with detachment, you will notice a pattern, a narrative. It is this very narrative you must question whether it serves you or not. And if not, changing it is the only solution to your life problems. Turn over that fresh page and start writing your new story!

Change And Cues

It is always the hardest when change is inevitable. When we are forced to leave a place we have felt snug in, or venture into the compulsory unknown with just a few rugs and lots of faith, that is when our mettle gets tested the most.

With just a few clothes in a bag and my necessary items in a backpack, I leave the home I have known in the last past year to return back home, surrendered to the reason why the universe keeps sending me back there time and again. Perhaps, there is some unknown reason that keeps me coming back; A lesson which has gone unlearnt, or some sign from the universe that I am meant to live the rest of my life in a place I haven’t felt safe in for as long as I can remember.

Sometimes, I wish I could settle down anywhere else but at home. I am also aware that some of you have heard only negative things about my home from my posts. However, I need to point out that my protests are not against the whole place as they are against the physical residence itself. It is the rooms that enclose us and the memories of the past ever alive within those walls which are guilty for distorting my view of the entire town. The place I come from is beautiful and peaceful, mostly. There are public beaches all around it with clear blue waters and calming sea breezes. Tourists pay to come spend a few nights in the upper echelon of the town. Some of them were so awestruck by the lull and the aura of detachment my town has from the rest of the world that they made it a permanent home. It gives the vibes of a discovered island in the midst of the Indian Ocean, which was once a cool, safe haven to everyone who was fleeing war or looking to trade or start over from the middle East. A place of peace and vacation is what my town is. A beautiful getaway for the jaded urbanite looking to get away from it all.

That is the perspective I am choosing to return back home with-as someone who missed the salty sea breeze and the feel of salty water and sand on my skin. I hope to take a day or two, partaking in all the seafood I can find. I hope to try and rekindle my passion for cooking experimental meals. I wish to be like a child, carefree and filled to the brim with curiosity for absolutely everything. It would be as if I was one of those metropolitans, who are visiting the island for the first time, stimulated by everything they see and touch.

Speak Your Mind

We can prevent conflict by speaking up. It is not easy especially when you fear what the other person will think. Perhaps you are scared they will react badly. Either way, it is always better to speak up when you would rather keep quiet. That is what I have learned from my past experience.

Our minds have a way of protecting us and preventing us from saying what we mean when we should. It will convince us to brush it off and set it aside for rumination later. Or it will make us believe we are bad people for speaking up and saying honestly how we feel about something. It gets trickier especially when you are a people-pleaser or a yes-girl. You always feel you must sacrifice your own needs to please others. And for those of us who struggle with a positive self-image we tend to go out of our own way to accommodate others’ demands for fear if we refuse we will just confirm the fact that we are selfish.

I am sure there was always that one time in our lives someone forced us into a corner by accusing us of the dreadful word, “Your are selfish!”, Or, “Don’t be selfish!” When they were simply projecting their own behaviour onto us. But unbeknownst to them, that undeserved label stays with us and affects all our decisions. It makes us afraid of doing anything for ourselves and cause us to self-sacrifice. You would think then we would get everyone’s love and approval but that is not the case. Even if we bent over backwards for someone, it is not a guarantee that they will like you. In fact, sometimes I have found myself in situations like that, where someone I prioritized above myself did the most damage in my life.

For this reason, I have been weary of anyone who creates inconvenience in my life. I have refused to compromise or prioritize others’ needs if they are at my expense. I have gotten overworked and rattled whenever someone threatens to rob me of my peace of mind or imposes on my personal space. However, I realized that there is always a solution which is to talk to the person about how their cations make me feel. It is better to explain why I cannot grant that favor or share that space. This way, the person does not feel offended and I don’t have to spend days getting worked up about it. Speaking up and communicating is hard for me but it is the solution for almost every conflict I tend to face in my life. I urge you to follow suit and choose to calmly talk about how you feel when something you don’t like happens instead of keeping quiet about it and suppressing it only for it to consume you for days and mess with your energy. Also, you don’t want to come off as duplicitous where you agree to something and act different later. I have been doing this for a long time without realizing it. It is best to say how you feel now and brace yourself for judgment or whatever, than hold it in only for it to come out in the worst possible way later.

The Default Switch

We have a default switch of fear. It lingers in our DNA as a default setting, our baseline for every time we are uncertain about where our food will come from, how we will pay rent, where we will live, where our income will come from and a bunch of other insecurities we feel about almost everything else.

It is sad how humans edged out of God- the eternal force that sustains and provides. Dr. Wayne Dyer in one of his sermons said that we did not have to worry about our form and limbs and eyes while we were being formed inside our mother’s womb. We didn’t need to do anything to have a nose or a set of ear and eyes. Even the energy and food used to make us wasn’t upto us to provide and outsource. We were made perfectly and came out of there in full form and then we decided, “Thank you God, I will take it from here.” And Dr. Wayne acknowledges that that was the biggest mistake we ever made- edging ourselves out of this nurturing and ever-providing God force. I think what he meant to say is that the same force present with us then when we were but a clot is always present with us and for us. The reason why life feels like a struggle today and we worry about everything is because we convinced ourselves that it is upto us to take care of us. Would it make sense for this force to be present in only one time of our lives and disappear on us for the rest of it? I don’t think so. It took some serious level of care and thought to make us, design us, and give us these unique personalities and life paths for it to just cease a of a sudden when we are supposed to live and enjoy this life we were so beautifully and carefully made for.

That is how I feel about my life. Sometimes, I go into fear and worry about where my money is going to come from or how I am running out or how my need will be fulfilled. However, I catch myself lost in these illusions and tell myself like I am telling you now, that there is no reason to fear lack or loss because there is that same force which attended to us and was there for us when we were just a bunch of cells with no form or shape. That same force is here ever-present, guiding us, providing for us. All we have to do is connect to it and express our desires. In fact, we don’t even need to ask because it already knows what we need before we even conceive of the idea of needing something. I know it will take some serious practice for us to reach this level of calm and assurance but once we do we will never ever be sad or worried ever again about anything!

I take this time to express my heartfelt thanks to this God force which formed me and made me in my mother’s womb. I open myself to receive from this loving force everything I need. I am releasing all fears and worries about not having enough or what I need in this life for everything I need and desire will always be provided for me even before I have time to want it. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much God for taking care of me and my needs. Thank you for healing and releasing my fears about any lack or loss which is nothing more than an illusion playing my mind and exhausting my energy. Thank you for replacing my fears and worries with feelings of certainty, assurance and calm safe in the knowledge that I am provided for, loved and supported by you for as long as I shall exist in this world. Thank you!

The Zig Zager

My emotions are on an all-time out. I have been rolling up and down the hill of anxiety between dread, despair I have very little energy left for celebrating my achievements this past year.

I am either thinking, “Damn! What is holding the manifestation of my desires?” Is 28 years supposed to be when someone has settled down, got their life figured out and become independent? I look at everyone who is now settled and wonder what did they do right that I didn’t? I pray and ask God to give me strength but I feel hopeless most of the time. I am tired of watching people get everything I need. I am exhausted of waiting. I pray and ask God to show me what I am supposed to do.

I feel depleted after a series of sleepless nights and early mornings trying to stay on top of the exams. Now I feel like a shell where my person used to be. I feel like life is trying to show me something I am too tapped out to notice. “Life, what are you trying to tell me?”

My life has been shifting from highs to lows ever-changing, ever-moving but nothing really substantial is happening. You know the kind of life-altering events such as a brand new beginning somewhere far away, a new way of life, possibly a change in career, something that improves my quality of life. Nothing. My life feels like someone pressed pause on just one picture which is causing me to feel stuck in a loop experiencing the same events over and over again. My home environment hasn’t changed a bit even after 28 years, it still feels like hell and my family is still ever resentful and estranged. Even after decades have passed I am still wounded and the events of my past are still in control of my emotions and overall sense of self. I still get triggered by my mother’s actions and thoughtlessness and my dad is still pushing me away.

Sometimes you wonder who controls whether or not we get loved . Who says who gets to live in a supporting family and who gets to struggle? Who is the director of this life? Could God have anything to do with the miserable state of our lives which is the result of poor and selfish choices made by our parents? I don’t think God is to blame for the actions and choices of adult human beings who know what is right from wrong. The one who is to blame is the person who brings a life into this world and refuses to love it and take responsibility for it. Dr. Wayne Dyer in one of his sermons acknowledges that children come through their parents but are not for them. That means I came into this world and not for my parents but that I have my own destiny and mission to fulfill. So this means that society is misled about the role of our parents in our life and we need to move on and live our life without any affiliation to our parents. This means that you as a child have nothing to tie you back to your parents other than the fact that you came through their womb in a natural biological way which is how every donkey, rabbit and kitten is born. You couldn’t have come down from the sky or take form from the air. You had to come into this world and somehow your parents genes and space was used because it was available then. Nothing more.

In fact, if you look closely you will notice that most children don’t have any similarities with their parents except for the conditioning acquired through environmental influences. You would find that there is no connection whatsoever in ways of thinking, acting or behaving. No similar inclinations either to music or arts or writing. None. Sometimes you will find even the paradigm of life is starkly different between parents and their children. We hear about Newton but we never hear about his parents being geniuses responsible for shaping their son to be a legend of science. We hear about the guy who discovered electricity but we never hear about his parents having any contribution to his genius other than the fact they were the tools used to being him into this world.

I believe it does not serve us to expect from our parents anything other than the fact they were used to being us here. Everything else they do for us after that is based on their own sentiment and attachment on the birth that has taken place. This explains why parents can choose to abort babies they don’t want or see as inconvenience and others can go as far as surrogacy just to hold a baby in their arms. The value placed on children is the same as any occurrence in someone’s life: Do I want this does this bring me joy? Or no this is a mistake my life is ruined?

In a nutshell, it would help the world a lot to understand that not everything is supposed to hold sentimental value. Children who have been wanted and prayed for spend their life relishing in the love and attention they receive. Is it luck? Not really? Because had they been unwanted or an inconvenience, they would have been set aside and tortured. Some are even killed or abused by their own parents. So it just so happens that you came through a good tool and you happened to be seen as something more than just another human body stuck in this circus of life. That you had meaning to the womb and the sperm used to manufacture you. Nothing more.

Lost

I feel lost. My mind is wondering what happens after school? Will I really find something to do in this career? How come none of the applications I sent out got a reply? Am I missing something? Am I not employable enough? Or is it that the world has turned poor and cannot pay for services? I am feeling lost.

Life is good when I get busy and work towards a purpose. The last year my purpose was learning as much as I can about the business of advocates. However, this purpose is coming to an anti-climactic stop with the end of these exams. What next after law school? I have no idea!

As you already know, I have not been too excited about the idea of returning home. Those of you who don’t know, I have struggled at home more than anywhere else. I was neglected and abandoned by my own parents and while I didn’t think it was a big deal at the time, I realized how much of a big deal it was because of the emotional and social scars that experience left me with. And also because even at 28 years old with an achievement of being an aspiring advocate of the High Court of Kenya, I struggle each and every day with self-confidence, self belief, self esteem and self love. I am always reminded of the fact that I wasn’t loved whenever I see my friends receive love and attention from their family. I am constantly encapsulated in feelings of unworthiness and this affects my performance in school since I am smart and intelligent but even as I say these words my brain is having a hard time accepting them. I am wiser than my age and perhaps that is one thing I can say I have achieved through such horrific upbringing or lack there of.

I am thankful honestly for how far I have come considering most of this time if not all I felt like I was a charity case where people who were samaritans had to help me here and there as I tried to beat the odds my family and life had kept piling up for me, to hold me back and keep me from progressing in life. I am thankful for the helpful people who were there for me when I needed it the most. I am thankful for this blog which has become my companion and the evidence of the first time I committed to something for more than 6 months and loving it every day.

Finally, I would like to say that I may not know exactly what is next in my life, my next big project, my purpose and meaning, but I have faith and belief that the next phase of my life is going to be the best yet. Good things are coming my way, things which will blow my mind and rest all my insecurities and worries about myself and my future. I know that the universe is bringing into my life fortune and happiness the like of which my mind has never imagined. It will exceed any imagination I have had of what a happy and fulfilling life looks like. I shall move forward with hope and confidence in myself and total trust in God to handle all matters on my behalf for the best possible outcome. God, universe, I trust you.

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