Where are you? Who are you? Why are you saying these things to me?
There is a voice inside my head that tells me things. Some very horrible things. No one likes you. You are a bad person. Selfish. Go kill yourself. You are never gonna find someone to love you. All men are jerks cut them off, cut them off! He doesn’t love you, he is only using you. No one can be that nice, so stop pretending to be. You are ugly. No one cares about you. You are all alone! Everyone has abandoned you.
I never knew before that this mean voice was the root of my depression and anxiety. I never realized it was an untrustworthy little monster crippling about in my brain, trying to distort my reality so I could only see greys and blacks everywhere I looked. I used to think it was just normal for someone to have these negative thoughts. All they had to do was find ways to stay positive. I didn’t know then, that no matter how many motivational books I was going to read, or affirmations I was going to listen to, the problem wasn’t going to go away. I needed to identify who was causing these obsessive, incessant thoughts which would ruin every fleeting good moment and good relationship. I never understood why I would be flaky and seem to change my mind about how I feel about something as fast as lightning. I never understood why I would sleep happy and wake up feeling all sad and hopeless the following morning. Until now!I know why my life has been so tough and it is good old OCD I have to thank for that.
I am not complaining. Far from that. I feel grateful for finally catching the thief that has been stealing my happiness and wellbeing. I must have been so blind before. How could I not see the symptoms? How was I so clueless? I knew that something wasn’t right with my mind. I guessed my way around every other illness and landed at depression. However, what I didn’t know was that depression was the result of these obsessive and intrusive negative thoughts which keep haunting me non-stop. Somehow, they managed to hide themselves for so long behind a façade of sorts: Feelings of aversion towards romantic love would masquerade themselves as an after effect of a very bad break up- I hate the idea of love because it brings me pain and men are losers who are not worth the time and energy. Frustration about my career would be because I chose something I am not good at- If only I chose something I was passionate about I would enjoy it. Loneliness would be translated to mean if I got married one day and started my own family, I would no longer feel the way I do now. I didn’t know that most if not all these feelings were unreal. They were lies my mind kept telling me over and over again. I am not lonely, I have people who care about me. I am not abandoned, my family is invested in my life. Love is not a bad thing and not all men are jerks.
There was always a reasonable excuse for the way I have been feeling whenever these thoughts were at play. My rational mind would try but fail even more miserably, to make sense of them. In fact, I believe every time common sense tries to come up to the surface for some air, these thoughts pull it back down under. I cannot trust the thoughts in my head anymore. They could be pretending to be my intuition and do some big damage as they have easily done in the past. What voice is mine and what is the monster’s? I don’t know. There is no way to find that out.
In hindsight, I see how these thoughts ruined my relationships, blocked every chance at happiness, and held me back from doing my best to maximize the opportunities I was given by the universe. Thinking that I even tried manifesting any blessings in this condition breaks my heart. Why? Because no matter how many treasures will be showered on me by the universe, I would be too tied up in the prison of my mind to even notice them. And if I did notice them at all, I would be too afraid to act. Just like I am now. I feel like the universe has tried to bring me into my dream life but because of these fears brought about by my thoughts, I am unable to take full advantage of the auspicious chances that arise here and there. I am wrapped around in self-doubt and I can hardly step out into the outside world without feeling vulnerable to the world.
On the bright side, not everything is lost. I gained some serious self-awareness and all the wisdom that comes with that. I have learnt to be alert and on guard as far as my thoughts are concerned. I know it might be hard to control them and get them to shut up but I feel I have unmasked the traitor and that is a big first step towards healing. I will commit to my self care more than ever now and put up those boundaries against all the unnecessary stress and triggers which have only just made my OCD worse. I plan on returning to an active lifestyle of dancing and swimming, things which I love very much. I also plan on getting a good night of sleep. I will commit to eating healthy and watching out for compulsions of shopping and overeating, two things I jump straight onto whenever I feel too stressed out. Now suddenly, it is not a husband I am praying to have, but my own healing and wellbeing. Husbands can wait, but healing can’t!