I know this may come as a shock because previously, I have been saying the opposite of what I will say in this post. I have been contemplating my journey in life, especially my recent discovery about my mental health. The thing I have been asking myself is this, “Would there be suffering if there was loving and caring guardian angels? Would I have OCD and suffer so much throughout my childhood and young adulthood if there was an angel by my side, protecting me and watching over me? I can’t believe I am about to say this but is there really a kind and caring God who would still love us unconditionally but let us suffer in so many ways?”
I am not going to say I am sure of anything anymore. In fact, I will vow never to force any ideas about the universe on this blog ever again. As far as I am concerned, I could be wrong about so many things. I could be wrong if I said there was a God and angels and I could be wrong if I claimed there was not. For this reason, I choose to stay away from any mention of a loving, caring universe filled with loving beings who watch over us and make sure we are okay and happy. I will instead choose to believe that there is me, and all the challenges I have been born with and what I decide to do about it: whether to fight on or survive or give up and just be. My eyes have opened to the cruelty that this world is capable to meting out on us human beings. I now see that this world may not be kind to us. How can a kind world cause so much pain and leave us to our own devices. I am not saying I am going to be a pessimist, no. I am saying I am going to step down from my search of a divine purpose for our suffering. Suffering is just that. It has no purpose or reason. It just is. And we have to find our way through or around it as we deem fit. There is no one coming to rescue us. There is no one who is going to make our life better. There is just us and our strength or the lack of it. It is after all, survival of the fittest as Darwin so rightly puts it. Are we strong enough to survive?
On an important note, now that we know we are all we have got, we may need to start strategizing in order to survive through our suffering. I will start by identifying my own ways to get through this mess we call life. I need first and foremost to prioritize self care above everything else. That subscription to the gym is number one. If I can afford it, the better option would be to be a member of a sports club and be able to use their pool for daily swimming and their gym for those intense workouts to keep my OCD in check. I also hope to join a dance school where I can learn my favorite pastime. Movement helps me feel better and so I am going to have to move my body as much as I can so my mind can be under control. In the meantime, I am still going to pray, with hope that there is someone out there who can hear me and help me. I don’t want to rule out prayer because I feel better when I cry out my sadness to something or someone. I am going to take charge of my life by avoiding anything which makes me anxious or out of it. I want to gauge things and people by how they make me feel. This I believe will spare me so much stress. I also hope to read the books I love and learn something new every day.