Today I spoke my mind and said exactly what I meant without any sugar coating. Normally, I would swallow my words against my better judgment to say them because I would fear coming across as rude or aggressive. I don’t know what happened to me in the past to make me scared, but I realize now that I have been living in fear all this time. I think it might be because of that time I barked at a rude and condescending secretary in my university who refused to do her job and help out a student in need and I almost got sent to the Disciplinary Committee if I hadn’t kissed up to her ass in time. But then again, secretaries in public universities have always been that way and will always remain so, for a reason I haven’t been able to figure out. Is it because they look down on students? Could it be perhaps they feel accomplished in life and wish to rule the world from behind their counters? I wouldn’t know. Anyway, I believe I became a chicken after testing the cruel consequences of free and fair self-expression. It turns out this world prefers if you shut up and just endure everything without a squeak!
So I had to zip up my mouth and throw away the key. It sure explains the depression and resentment I have been struggling with in the past years. When I suppress my voice, I give instructions to my brain to go fluff itself and it dies little by little, taking me along with it.
You see, I haven’t always been a victim. Even when my life couldn’t look any more pathetic back then, I stood my ground and refused to give in. I fought and the fire within me, which others might have taken to be too much or too crude, was the reason I survived. Had I given up the fight I would have died a long time ago, way before this blog could even see the light of day. Imagine a world without the life of a Kenyan Arab. The thought alone sends shivers down my back.
Nevertheless, the fire hasn’t died out yet. All I have to do is allow myself the freedom of speech. As long as words are not stones which could break glass, I need to let them out without any filter. Yes, I know what that sounds like but believe me when I tell you that I have suffered way more by keeping mum. My life is worth more than making a few enemies or risking a few relationships. I couldn’t be happy if everyone was pleased with me when I was slowly killing myself from within. It might have taken me a good number of years to find my voice, but I am deciding to be the fiery, spicy, scorpion who is not afraid to sting when threatened. I may lose more than I am comfortable with losing, but at least I won’t lose myself.