Do I trust Me? Mmmmh…

Someone very wise once told me that I have all the answers I seek. He was convinced beyond any doubt that there is nothing under the sun that escapes my conscious awareness. I was puzzled more by his conviction than by the statement itself. I find believing in myself very hard especially if I have messed up in the past by following my heart. It was because of my feelings I went into complicated relationships with unavailable men and it was also why I broke the heart of the only man who ever truly wanted me the right, proper way. I still regret it to this day, but that is about all I can do for he is now married with a child he named after me. Double burn! I have nothing more to say on the matter.

Moving on, I tried to look for other ways I could get answers or guidance on which decision to make or whether to be with someone or not. I would consult tarot after a friend introduced me to it. I would try and print the deck out and ask what I needed to know: Should I give him another chance? Is next week a good time to travel? Will I meet somebody soon? Does he love me? Where will I end up living for the rest of my life? Is law the best career for me? Will I find my one and true love?

If I was those tarot cards, I would be pissed at myself. The questions never stop and sometimes they are all over the place. I would stare at the cards with such intensity as if I was trying to reach through them to the fool and ask him why is he saying it is okay if I jumped over the cliff in this situation and will he be there to save me if I did? My apparent lack of any training in reading the cards would frustrate me sometimes and I would need to consult something else for further guidance and direction. There came the famous istikhara which means choosing one of the best things and asking Allah to help you make this choice by showing it to you. Probably there are many ways to do this, one being reciting a prayer and then waiting for a sign which could come through a dream you might have, or a feeling whether for or against the thing you were asking about or sometimes, whatever blocks stand in the way of what you asked about could be a sign from Allah that it is not good for you and therefore, you must avoid it. I find this method of doing istikhara was meant for the patient people in the universe. When I need to know, I need to know now, which works against me I know, but I can’t help it! Therefore, I was taught another way of doing it using a rosary which gives you an instant yes or no. For me, this has been my go-to modus operandi for any question I might have about absolutely anything. I was warned not to use it for frivolous things but I have reached such a level of self-doubt and powerlessness, that I could easily use it to ask if it’s okay to travel back to school when you and I both know the holiday is over and I need to get my ass back to school if ever I am to do any studying! And when the istikhara gives “No” as an answer, I find myself confused as to what I should follow-my heart and mind or rosary beads? Just when my brain screams some sense , “Wake up idiot! You need to go back to school like, yesterday,” I recall that one time I travelled despite the istikhara saying no, and I ended up missing my flight and paying for another. How does anyone not remember that awful day I got soaked wet, bra and everything?

I am here sitting and wondering why I even feel the urge to ask outside myself. Why can’t I just go out there and face whatever comes. Why can’t I decide by myself to do something without another person’s (rosary’s) intervention? I mean what could a few beads know more than me? They are just beads! They don’t think or analyze anything I ask and they have no brain or experience on anything! They are simply inanimate little things we put on a string to use them how we please. How could I mistrust my own judgment and follow what they say? How much of my own power have I given over to the rosary and how hard have I taken a blow against my own decision making ability every time I consulted the beads? Do I doubt myself this much? I must have been the only person in the world who does not trust herself this much!

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