I have spent a chunk of my life looking for meaning and purpose. On those lonely nights when life seemed so strange as if I had walked into a movie I didn’t fit into, I would go up to the roof when everyone in the village was asleep, and just gaze up at the sky. On some nights the clouds were there passing by, and I could excuse myself and ask them the same question I have asked for a thousand times over: “Why are we here and where is here and who runs here and why is here the way it is?” I know that is a string of questions all in one but please don’t mind. You couldn’t separate them anyway if you really were as thirsty as me for an answer as to this whole circus we call life.
Looking back, I have always had questions about life and God I didn’t know what I was searching was right under my nose all along. In elementary school, when kids would run off to I don’t know where to do God knows what, I would seek solitude somewhere under a tree behind the school building where nobody would disturb me, just so I could reflect on life and my surroundings. Trees and birds particularly spoke to me. Ants too fascinated me as they are all on the move going up and down their hole, carrying this or that and in between as they met up, paused as if to say hi to one another or clarify something. I didn’t know what they were saying but I could imagine they were asking for directions to the food or perhaps checking if everything was in order back where they came from. I couldn’t tell. It is during these moments I would remember how in the Koran, Solomon had the power to speak ant language and understand what they were saying. Sometimes, I wish I had this ability to connect with animals like Solomon had. But then again, I am not a prophet of Allah am I?
Talking of Koran, there is something truly magical about it which I cannot put my finger on. On the outside, it looks like your ordinary book written in arabic, but once you connect to the meaning behind the words, the stories about the extraordinary life of the prophets and the affirmations of Allah, as he says how he created the earth and made plants sprout from underneath it as food for us to eat, I have to say you would open yourself up to a different way of seeing life and everything else. Back then, I would have a book which had these verses from the Koran and their meanings translated in english and I would meditate on every word. The most catching verse for me which had a big impact was when Allah said this, ” So remember me and I will remember you.” I know it seems so ordinary but really, I have never read about a God who would try to get so intimate with human beings like Allah does. In one verse he talks about how this world is an illusion which is only temporary. He encourages us to choose better and more lasting things other than the desires of this world. I am inclined to believe him after I have seen how tricky and elusive the game of this world is. I call it a game because that is how I feel. Have you ever felt how just when you think you have figured how this world works and gotten around to starting to build the life of your dreams, everything seems to hold you back or suddenly , your harsh reality comes back even stronger to make you give up even trying? Have you wondered why life is easier for other and hard for most? There seems to be no rules in this life as to who gets what by what standards. There is just what you find yourself in. It is as if you have no control as to who your family is, what sort of financial situation you find yourself born into, what genetic disorders or diseases you suffer, which areas of your life thrive or flop. It is all happening to us without our free will. That is 99.9 percent of life and death situations happen to us without our will. Imagine being cast in a movie you were never asked to play roles you were never told or consulted.
The world will always remain unfair unless you stay out of its influence. It will take a serious amount of will power on your part and magic to live your life on your terms and stay above the script of your life written by someone who is not on your side. I don’t know who that is but I believe there is an active force in the world, thriving from the pain, suffering and dysfunction of others. This force somehow managed to plan out the life plan of each one of us and that includes suffering and pain through disease, dysfunction and painful circumstances which no matter how much you try to stop or escape from, never seem to leave you alone and follow you wherever you are. honestly, the only person I know who is an alchemist and can perform miracles, break destiny and relieve you from this servitude to suffering is Allah. I say this because when I am at my worst and want to just die, if I pray to him or call out one of his 99 names (all attributes of his character and personality) I find instant relief. Every time I hold the Koran in my hands, I feel magic coming from within it to touch my life in such wonderful ways. In fact, I have heard how certain chapters of it when repeated could get you everything you desire without lifting a finger. You desire a husband, there is a chapter for it. You want a job and financial security, there is a chapter for it. If there is a way for me to live life easily, with a reliable source of consolation and relief anytime I need it, and a bountiful supply of food and anything I want whenever I am in need of it, why would I struggle to fight against a world which won’t budge an inch in my favor? It is time to go home, where I am safe and free from the shackles of this world. It is time to go back to Allah.