Why is there suffering in the world? If this world is indeed good as God created it and said it was, why are most peaple living a nightmare? Why are good things not making themselves available to everyone in equal measure and fairness? Why are some people born into prosperity and wellbeing while others are stuck in sickness and helplessness? Why is there dysfunction in my life when my friends seem to be getting on pretty fine with their life unbothered by the stress I have had to endure and the suffering that seems to never end? I am trying very hard to stay positive but sometimes I just cannot handle the same problems over and over again. I feel like my life is wasting away dealing with unnecessary problems when I could use that energy to focus on living my best life and serving the collective.
On that note, it has been a painful ten years of my life where I have to deal with a schezophrenic grandmother who refuses to eat or drink because she believes there is poop and piss in her food. My mother abandoned ship a long time ago because she couldn’t take it anymore. I rolled up my sleeves at 18 years old to deal with that shit alone and I have been sinking ever since. I feel overwhelmed and tired of it all. I cannot fight and mostly I just break down and wish I was dead. My grandmother is not well and I have no idea how to help her after ten years of trying different things with no success. The older she gets, the worse things become. As I speak, I have spared no expense at trying to make sure she is taken care of but no matter what I do, she is deteriorating fast. If she is not arguing with me about why she won’t eat this food or that, she is locked up in her room with all airways shut tight so no light or air could get in. According to her, there are people all over everywhere looking at her and watching her all the time. She sometimes points outside the window and tells me there is a ghost outside which is refusing to leave(with my overactive imagination you can guess how scared that makes me feel as my brain serves up fresh snapshots from the horror movies I have watched). I look out and all I see is a dress moving about in the wind on a hanging line. How do I convince her that if she were to step outside for a moment, people aren’t going to beat her up and attack her? She believes in all these things which are not real but to her they seem to be. I have no background on mental health or health in general, therefore, I don’t even know where to start and law talks about everything else except what I have to deal with which is one of the reasons why I have struggled to understand why I had to learn it of all things. It has been ten years since I have had to look after her by myself, but even then, I could not be fully there for her because of school. Now school is open but I am thinking to myself, how is she going to survive if she refuses the food which I have arranged to be given to her everyday? If she believes whoever is making the food, who is my aunt and not a stranger, is using toilet water to cook it, how do I convince her that she is not? I couldn’t have restaurant food delivered to her because she would complain and say the food is not good for consumption. At this point, I am at my wit’s end and I know I have tried to read all these books and give you amazing advice, but I could use one myself right about now.