I am happy to be alive. Recently I have felt such peacefulness and ease which I couldn’t get anywhere else. This reminds me of the golden old days, back when you and I were inseparable. Back then, nobody could take my mind off of you even if they tried to distract me from you, I would always remember the salah which I had missed, or the dua which I had not yet read on that day. If I wasn’t meditating on your words from the Quran, I would be reciting dhikr. If I wasn’t speaking to anyone, I would be invoking your beautiful names and attributes. My life couldn’t have been more chaotic than it was then, neither could I have been any poorer and helplessly malnourished. But none of that did its worst on me because I had you and even if the whole world had turned its back and abandoned me, I didn’t feel the weight of any of it. Not like I do nowadays. Ya rabbi, if you knew what the world and its evils conspired to do against me the moment I let you go from my sight, you would take pity on my pathetic state. When I would forget to show up to our daily appointments in prayer, or when you called out to me so we can talk about life and good manners and I declined your invitation, thereby letting the Quran gather dust over layers of dust, I would only be giving my enemies more MO to attack me by: Sadness overwhelmed me, making me forget there is a merciful and kind God who is still in control of my life. Sheytan sure did have a field day over my life in what seemed to be an endlessly painful dark time of my life. I would feel like my life wasn’t ending soon enough. Thoughts of hopelessness plagued me and my mind was actively working to destroy any chance I had at happiness. All this while, I would blame you for not doing anything to change my life. And then I remembered when you clearly said, “For verily Allah does not change a people unless they change what is in themselves”. So I started paying attention to my actions and how I treated myself and others who depended on me. I began to sympathize with those who have less to curb my desire to get more. I started expressing thanks for everything I have. I watched myself as I slowly evolved from a chronic complainer to a conscious observer of the countless blessings I have in my life. Instead of wondering why you bless others and not me, I started noticing the unique ways you have chosen to bless me. For example, despite my awful childhood circumstances, I became the first lawyer in my family. Not withstanding the fact that I am a child of divorce who hails from a dysfunctional home environment, I am a kind and loving young woman who always desires to help her family and the whole world if she could. The love and compassion I didn’t receive as a child, I happen to have lots of it to spare. All these are blessings, which in a normal karmic world, would have been impossible to achieve. How could I think I was abandoned by everyone, including you? Yes, everyone might have had more pressing things to attend to, than a little girl in a cruel world, but not you. YOU stayed and guided that little, helpless girl to a better life ahead of her, you consoled her with your warm and loving embrace and you became all she had and she should have known then, that that was all she needed! How lucky is the person who has you even if she has no one and how lonely is the one who would shun you in the pretext of having everyone on their side? I love you so much Allah.Please hold my hand and keep me steadfast on your path. Let me find healing from all my wounds I have gotten from living outside your light. Embrace me in your love and please, never let me forget that you are the only one who truly cares about me. I love you so much and thank you Allah!