Letter to Allah

Dear Allah,

I am happy to be alive. Recently I have felt such peacefulness and ease which I couldn’t get anywhere else. This reminds me of the golden old days, back when you and I were inseparable. Back then, nobody could take my mind off of you even if they tried to distract me from you, I would always remember the salah which I had missed, or the dua which I had not yet read on that day. If I wasn’t meditating on your words from the Quran, I would be reciting dhikr. If I wasn’t speaking to anyone, I would be invoking your beautiful names and attributes. My life couldn’t have been more chaotic than it was then, neither could I have been any poorer and helplessly malnourished. But none of that did its worst on me because I had you and even if the whole world had turned its back and abandoned me, I didn’t feel the weight of any of it. Not like I do nowadays. Ya rabbi, if you knew what the world and its evils conspired to do against me the moment I let you go from my sight, you would take pity on my pathetic state. When I would forget to show up to our daily appointments in prayer, or when you called out to me so we can talk about life and good manners and I declined your invitation, thereby letting the Quran gather dust over layers of dust, I would only be giving my enemies more MO to attack me by: Sadness overwhelmed me, making me forget there is a merciful and kind God who is still in control of my life. Sheytan sure did have a field day over my life in what seemed to be an endlessly painful dark time of my life. I would feel like my life wasn’t ending soon enough. Thoughts of hopelessness plagued me and my mind was actively working to destroy any chance I had at happiness. All this while, I would blame you for not doing anything to change my life. And then I remembered when you clearly said, “For verily Allah does not change a people unless they change what is in themselves”. So I started paying attention to my actions and how I treated myself and others who depended on me. I began to sympathize with those who have less to curb my desire to get more. I started expressing thanks for everything I have. I watched myself as I slowly evolved from a chronic complainer to a conscious observer of the  countless blessings I have in my life. Instead of wondering why you bless others and not me, I started noticing the unique ways you have chosen to bless me. For example, despite my awful childhood circumstances, I became the first lawyer in my family. Not withstanding the fact that I am a child of divorce who hails from a dysfunctional home environment, I am a kind and loving young woman who always desires to help her family and the whole world if she could. The love and compassion I didn’t receive as a child, I happen to have lots of it to spare. All these are blessings,  which in a normal karmic world, would have been impossible to achieve. How could I think I was abandoned by everyone,  including you? Yes, everyone might have had more pressing things to attend to, than a little girl in a cruel world, but not you. YOU stayed and guided that little,  helpless girl to a better life ahead of her, you consoled her with your warm and loving embrace and you became all she had and she should have known then, that that was all she needed! How lucky is the person who has you even if she has no one and how lonely is the one who would shun you in the pretext of having everyone on their side? I love you so much Allah.Please hold my hand and keep me steadfast on your path. Let me find healing from all my wounds I have gotten from living outside your light. Embrace me in your love and please, never let me forget that you are the only one who truly cares about me. I love you so much and thank you Allah!


Yours sincerely, 


The World of the Doers

After spending some time trying to imagine my way through life as opposed to getting up and getting going, I have seen very little improvement. The books I have read are useful overall, if you were planning to hop into the next fastest train to the fifth dimension and live there never to return, but if you are like me, stuck in this third dimension where you affect the things and people around you through action, then you might want to read less of , “Feeling is the Secret”, and more of, “Smart Office organizing”.

Not to sound ungrateful, the books on my iBooks shelf have helped me in some unique and interesting ways-uniquely and interestingly so, but also in the most impractical and unrealistic ways. I have a hard time putting much if what I learned into practice mostly because most of the information is too idealistic in a non-human super-human kind of way, that it feels like it was made to be used elsewhere. It is like astronomy, we know there is Mercury and Venus and Jupiter’s moon shows some hope for a life after Earth, but we will never know will we? Not really! That is because whether Pluto is indeed a planet or not, or whether the sun really does rise from the west and sets in the east on Venus, will not change the fact that I have to sit for my exams sooner than I had anticipated and I am all a mess!

Such is the life envisioned by most of these books I have grown to love in my recent past. They are innocent fairy tales of a life far, far away somehow meant for us to adopt in a world which is so real it hurts to even try to dream. This world is designed for practical action and is not friendly to day dreaming. I have gotten more done in my life in the few minutes I chose to just get up and do something than in the hundred of hours I dreamt about having it. So what is all the craze about vision boards when mine is just standing there collecting dust?

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

Just like a mirror, our life and everyone around us is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. I am curious why the evil queen in the movie Snow white and the Huntsman, kept asking her magic mirror if she was the fairest of them all. She could have just affirmed this herself and by doing so, she wouldn’t have needed the mirror to tell her anything as far as her worth and beauty goes. The fact that she needed a magic mirror to make her belief she is the fairest woman in the world, makes me think that she didn’t believe it herself and needed someone to confirm it for her. That could also be why the mirror, which could smell her low sense of self-worth and self-doubt just had to identify Snow White, who at that time was just a simple young girl without any achievements, as being the fairest female in the land. Snow White might have been this innocent and pure soul, however, as far as standards go in our world when it comes to determining the worth of a person, the queen had a lot going for her speaking of an entire kingdom in her hands, an achievement many today would rank the highest in elevating someone’s status in the eyes of others(Just think about it, no matter how gorgeous Gigi Hadid is, Her Highness queen Elizabeth is still the queen of England there can be no comparison between the two).

It is exactly through this lens that I have connected the dots between the relationship we have with ourselves and how that affects our relationships with others. If you don’t feel like you could forgive yourself for the choices which brought you pain, there is no way you can extend forgiveness towards others for hurting you. If you think your eyebrows look uneven and if only you could lose some weight, you will keep seeing lopsided eyebrows and fat arms in everyone else you meet. If you think regret every decision you ever made, there is no way you would think someone else in your life made a good one. Lastly, if you can’t love yourself for all the mistakes and the poor choices you made in the past, just how could you love others with all their faults and mistakes?

Where do we go in our dreams?

Science has tried to explain why we dream: it is our brain’s way of processing the things we have seen, heard of or thought about during the day in our wakefulness. While this might be true in some instances, such as when I would think about someone during the day and see them in my dreams, this is not always the case. I have read about people who dreamt about places they have never been to or people they have never met. For instance, there was this time I went to sleep and woke up with a person’s name echoing through the corners of my mind, “Tom Ford”. Now who might he be and why was he in my dream? It turned out he is a celebrity in the fashion industry. I have never been one to read about fashion or know anything beyond my area of interest which has always been novels and inspirational spiritual books about anything mystical and other-worldly, so this came as a surprise to me. Then there was this other time where I dreamt about a place with a weird name, and it turned out to be an address for this gorgeous mansion in a part of the world I have never been to before along with a person’s name from the same country. So I really don’t think dreams are about places and people we know or think about. There could be something more to it.

If it is not already strange enough to dream about things, places and people who exist or once existed in this world, it is even more strange to dream about life in completely different worlds from this one. People have recalled how they dreamt they were in a strange world which was different from anything they have ever seen before in this one. They remembered meeting the “people” there who did not look like us. Everything is so prominent from trees and flowers to houses and the colors are so enticingly strange, not like the colors of this world but not entirely off either. If my own experience of such dreams is of any interest to you, I dreamt several times that I was in a different world. Once, I was in a group I couldn’t identify, walking past a string of A frame blue houses which seemed half submerged in water and as I was walking I could feel myself as different, I seemed to be too tall like a giant and and my skin was blue. We came to a stop on a hill or field where upon glancing up to the sky, a clear view of some large moons or were they planets from a distance could be seen. I think they were three of them, lined up closely together and one was bigger than the rest. I would wake up from this dream feeling all sorts of unexplainable emotions ranging from awe, at the sight of such a wonderous place, to sadness and longing which perhaps came from missing something or someplace that I never knew before. After spending some time reading around about life in other dimensions in hopes of finding what this place was which I saw and if at all it existed, I simply couldn’t. All I knew was that there are some planets which disappeared because they submerged in water. Now, assuming what I saw was anything at all, could it be that there are life forms in other planets in the universe which we don’t know about and some of them were destroyed by water? I don’t really know! In Islam, Allah has affirmed that He indeed created other forms of life we don’t know about. He has also been referred to as the lord of the worlds, in plural, not just this one. So the whole concept of other mysterious worlds may be truer than we give it credit for.

Nevertheless, the brain is the most sophisticated thing ever in existence and we might not know the extent of its power and functions just yet. A big part of the things we experience in our dreams is proof that the brain is a mystery human scientists have yet to fully grasp. It is possible also, to believe in the theory that there are mental worlds to which we have access when we sleep. Perhaps, we are different people over there, with fiery backstories and interesting life paths. On the other hand, it is probably true about there being a fifth dimension which we can travel to and learn just about anything or visit anywhere we wish. I just don’t know!

Do I trust Me? Mmmmh…

Someone very wise once told me that I have all the answers I seek. He was convinced beyond any doubt that there is nothing under the sun that escapes my conscious awareness. I was puzzled more by his conviction than by the statement itself. I find believing in myself very hard especially if I have messed up in the past by following my heart. It was because of my feelings I went into complicated relationships with unavailable men and it was also why I broke the heart of the only man who ever truly wanted me the right, proper way. I still regret it to this day, but that is about all I can do for he is now married with a child he named after me. Double burn! I have nothing more to say on the matter.

Moving on, I tried to look for other ways I could get answers or guidance on which decision to make or whether to be with someone or not. I would consult tarot after a friend introduced me to it. I would try and print the deck out and ask what I needed to know: Should I give him another chance? Is next week a good time to travel? Will I meet somebody soon? Does he love me? Where will I end up living for the rest of my life? Is law the best career for me? Will I find my one and true love?

If I was those tarot cards, I would be pissed at myself. The questions never stop and sometimes they are all over the place. I would stare at the cards with such intensity as if I was trying to reach through them to the fool and ask him why is he saying it is okay if I jumped over the cliff in this situation and will he be there to save me if I did? My apparent lack of any training in reading the cards would frustrate me sometimes and I would need to consult something else for further guidance and direction. There came the famous istikhara which means choosing one of the best things and asking Allah to help you make this choice by showing it to you. Probably there are many ways to do this, one being reciting a prayer and then waiting for a sign which could come through a dream you might have, or a feeling whether for or against the thing you were asking about or sometimes, whatever blocks stand in the way of what you asked about could be a sign from Allah that it is not good for you and therefore, you must avoid it. I find this method of doing istikhara was meant for the patient people in the universe. When I need to know, I need to know now, which works against me I know, but I can’t help it! Therefore, I was taught another way of doing it using a rosary which gives you an instant yes or no. For me, this has been my go-to modus operandi for any question I might have about absolutely anything. I was warned not to use it for frivolous things but I have reached such a level of self-doubt and powerlessness, that I could easily use it to ask if it’s okay to travel back to school when you and I both know the holiday is over and I need to get my ass back to school if ever I am to do any studying! And when the istikhara gives “No” as an answer, I find myself confused as to what I should follow-my heart and mind or rosary beads? Just when my brain screams some sense , “Wake up idiot! You need to go back to school like, yesterday,” I recall that one time I travelled despite the istikhara saying no, and I ended up missing my flight and paying for another. How does anyone not remember that awful day I got soaked wet, bra and everything?

I am here sitting and wondering why I even feel the urge to ask outside myself. Why can’t I just go out there and face whatever comes. Why can’t I decide by myself to do something without another person’s (rosary’s) intervention? I mean what could a few beads know more than me? They are just beads! They don’t think or analyze anything I ask and they have no brain or experience on anything! They are simply inanimate little things we put on a string to use them how we please. How could I mistrust my own judgment and follow what they say? How much of my own power have I given over to the rosary and how hard have I taken a blow against my own decision making ability every time I consulted the beads? Do I doubt myself this much? I must have been the only person in the world who does not trust herself this much!

The Suffering is Overdue and the Lesson Unclear; Understanding Soul Contracts

I got fake nails on and I am painfully realizing how difficult it is to use the keyboard. Probably shouldn’t have got them if I wanted to keep my blog active. That aside, today’s topic is inspired by my discovery of the term soul contract. I don’t recall how it came to me, but that is the universe’s way-it brings you what you need to know before you know it, you know it? I don’t know.

So, with this blog I bring somewhat of a good news which could shine some light on why we have to suffer in this life. The theory of soul contracts explains that before we incarnated in this lifetime, each of us chose the lessons that we would learn. To learn these lessons, people and situations are drawn to our experiences to teach them to us. Just like school is not our cup of tea, so is this whole suffering-in-order-to-learn business( if they had told me I signed up for learning all my life, I would have taken a hard pass on school. School over a school? That is straight up double jeopardy if you ask me!) It is therefore, expected of us to resent these “tests” of character just like we would an exam. What is more is that we forgot all about this choice we had made once we were born. So it is more like the whole world is suffering from a serious case of amnesia. This doesn’t help us if you must ask. I would rather I knew what I signed up for so at least, I could stop whining about it here on my blog every time life gets too bad and stress all of you guys out along with me!

Moving on, I started seeing some truth to this idea because a lot of things in my life are starting to make sense. I always wondered why I was served the wrong side of the plate as far as my relationships go and now I realize I must have chosen to be miserable to learn… compassion? self-love? Possibly how to love my own company? Independence? self-sacrifice? Empathy? How to warm up for a role in les Misérables? I wouldn’t know unless I told myself. If only I could remember what cocktail of misery I had picked!

Talking of picking, we picked everything from our geographical locations and life spans to how we will die. Sometimes, we can experience the same lesson over and over again until we learn it and if not in this lifetime, then in another and another. You might wonder why would anyone choose to go through this? The answer is we do this in order to ascend to a higher level of being. Therefore, the bigger the suffering, the higher the achievement of soul development. For this reason, those who chose to experience very adverse circumstances such as wars and natural diseases and disasters are seeking to complete their course in this earth dimension and graduate to higher dimensions which mean they won’t have to come back to earth on another rollercoaster ride. Once you go up, you never go back down. On the grim side of things, we are down here in the arena of life fighting for our freedom like Spartacus did(only it was too real a fight for Andy Whitfield God rest his soul, who graduated right to heaven). Let’s keep the fight on and strong!

Going Back Home, To Allah

I have spent a chunk of my life looking for meaning and purpose. On those lonely nights when life seemed so strange as if I had walked into a movie I didn’t fit into, I would go up to the roof when everyone in the village was asleep, and just gaze up at the sky. On some nights the clouds were there passing by, and I could excuse myself and ask them the same question I have asked for a thousand times over: “Why are we here and where is here and who runs here and why is here the way it is?” I know that is a string of questions all in one but please don’t mind. You couldn’t separate them anyway if you really were as thirsty as me for an answer as to this whole circus we call life.

Looking back, I have always had questions about life and God I didn’t know what I was searching was right under my nose all along. In elementary school, when kids would run off to I don’t know where to do God knows what, I would seek solitude somewhere under a tree behind the school building where nobody would disturb me, just so I could reflect on life and my surroundings. Trees and birds particularly spoke to me. Ants too fascinated me as they are all on the move going up and down their hole, carrying this or that and in between as they met up, paused as if to say hi to one another or clarify something. I didn’t know what they were saying but I could imagine they were asking for directions to the food or perhaps checking if everything was in order back where they came from. I couldn’t tell. It is during these moments I would remember how in the Koran, Solomon had the power to speak ant language and understand what they were saying. Sometimes, I wish I had this ability to connect with animals like Solomon had. But then again, I am not a prophet of Allah am I?

Talking of Koran, there is something truly magical about it which I cannot put my finger on. On the outside, it looks like your ordinary book written in arabic, but once you connect to the meaning behind the words, the stories about the extraordinary life of the prophets and the affirmations of Allah, as he says how he created the earth and made plants sprout from underneath it as food for us to eat, I have to say you would open yourself up to a different way of seeing life and everything else. Back then, I would have a book which had these verses from the Koran and their meanings translated in english and I would meditate on every word. The most catching verse for me which had a big impact was when Allah said this, ” So remember me and I will remember you.” I know it seems so ordinary but really, I have never read about a God who would try to get so intimate with human beings like Allah does. In one verse he talks about how this world is an illusion which is only temporary. He encourages us to choose better and more lasting things other than the desires of this world. I am inclined to believe him after I have seen how tricky and elusive the game of this world is. I call it a game because that is how I feel. Have you ever felt how just when you think you have figured how this world works and gotten around to starting to build the life of your dreams, everything seems to hold you back or suddenly , your harsh reality comes back even stronger to make you give up even trying? Have you wondered why life is easier for other and hard for most? There seems to be no rules in this life as to who gets what by what standards. There is just what you find yourself in. It is as if you have no control as to who your family is, what sort of financial situation you find yourself born into, what genetic disorders or diseases you suffer, which areas of your life thrive or flop. It is all happening to us without our free will. That is 99.9 percent of life and death situations happen to us without our will. Imagine being cast in a movie you were never asked to play roles you were never told or consulted.

The world will always remain unfair unless you stay out of its influence. It will take a serious amount of will power on your part and magic to live your life on your terms and stay above the script of your life written by someone who is not on your side. I don’t know who that is but I believe there is an active force in the world, thriving from the pain, suffering and dysfunction of others. This force somehow managed to plan out the life plan of each one of us and that includes suffering and pain through disease, dysfunction and painful circumstances which no matter how much you try to stop or escape from, never seem to leave you alone and follow you wherever you are. honestly, the only person I know who is an alchemist and can perform miracles, break destiny and relieve you from this servitude to suffering is Allah. I say this because when I am at my worst and want to just die, if I pray to him or call out one of his 99 names (all attributes of his character and personality) I find instant relief. Every time I hold the Koran in my hands, I feel magic coming from within it to touch my life in such wonderful ways. In fact, I have heard how certain chapters of it when repeated could get you everything you desire without lifting a finger. You desire a husband, there is a chapter for it. You want a job and financial security, there is a chapter for it. If there is a way for me to live life easily, with a reliable source of consolation and relief anytime I need it, and a bountiful supply of food and anything I want whenever I am in need of it, why would I struggle to fight against a world which won’t budge an inch in my favor? It is time to go home, where I am safe and free from the shackles of this world. It is time to go back to Allah.

Living the consequences of my words spoken years ago

Guys I don’t know what to say anymore. I am tongue-tied and I have no way of changing my unwanted reality. I have been too frustrated at the fact that everyone around me seems to have gotten married in the last year and is settled down in their home with their hubby. I on the other hand, have only been stuck in an unhealthy relationship with someone who will never put that ring on my finger even if the skies were to fall otherwise. You can imagine my frustration after four years on and off with this person who only had one thing in his mind and which was to have as much fun as possible when he can before I meet someone who would marry me. It may sound like no big deal to you who is reading this right now, but trust me when I tell you that when you have invested in someone with all your heart and soul and cannot seem to get over them no matter what you do or where you go, and this person no matter what will always make it clear to you that you are nothing more than a girl toy, it hurts like hell. The regret you would feel is insurmountable. You would wish you could have the power to erase from destiny the day you two had set eyes on one another. But we both know you can’t.

Better late than never is what they say. I made a decision to cut off any involvement with any man who is not a marriage prospect in reality. Sometimes I disconnect from reality and this is what happens whenever I live in the clouds for too long: reality basically trashes me and all my dreams get delayed or quashed. I am making a choice to stay firmly rooted to the ground that is my reality in all its ugliness. No more escaping into fantasy land. As far as love and commitment is concerned, I have made a choice to never entertain anyone who does not check the reality box; if he is not single and available to commit to me he is a huge no way not even a hi!

At this point in my life I am tired of attending other people’s weddings especially if they are younger than I am. I seem to be getting these invitations and the whole world is seemingly getting married and settling down. I hate it so much and this reminds me of the local saying that, Msiba wakujitakia hauambiwi pole meaning that if someone causes themselves trouble or suffering, they are not entitled to a sorry. Many years ago I wanted just this: to prioritize studies over anything and everything else including marriage. When it came to discussions about getting married back then, I would strongly disagree with anyone who was pro marriage and argue that no woman in their wise mind should leave studies to get married or mix the both of them at the same time. I used to affirm and believe that men would only give me a bad life if I were to be dependent on them. So independence was everything. I needed to study and get a job to be financially secure before I thought of marriage. Well, I got what I wanted even though it is no longer what I need. I realized even with a job and money, if you were alone and isolated you couldn’t be happy. Work and no home meant that I would work too much until I burnt out and live an unbalanced life which would make me sick eventually. I now understand that a happy life is a balanced one.

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