I am trying to process my feelings with this post I hope you won’t mind. I am so frustrated right now with my life. Firstly, I just don’t understand why I have had to live alone most of my life when everyone else gets to have a family and a functional home to rely on. Secondly, I am puzzled that even after twenty seven years of my life, I am still single and alone. I understand that not everyone has a family, but they eventually grow up and get married and start one anyway. So why am I still miserably single and unmarried? I just don’t get it! This is just not any ordinary pressure of wanting to get married, no. There is more to this for me than that. I need to feel like I belong somewhere. The very fact that I have been deprived of a functional home and family meant that it was all I could ever think of having one day. It is like they say: we want what we cannot have or did not have. So why has marriage been so elusive? It is as if the more I want it, the further it runs from me.
This whole not having a functional family thing has affected my root chakra and God knows how many others. I have felt insecure and unsafe almost always. The lack of a reliable home and family meant that I felt vulnerable and exposed. I have been feeling as if I don’t belong anywhere which is the scariest feeling for anyone to have. Imagine how a kitten feels separated from its mummy and stuck in a filthy gutter on a cold rainy day. That is pretty much what it feels like to be me on my worst days. I cannot live like this any longer. Something has got to give. What should a girl do to settle down and have her own family? Are there any serious guys left who are committed to start a life with a girl like me? I am tired of being in complicated relationships where I am the infamous third stick in the mud. Meaning no offence to anyone, I am tired of married losers who are too miserable to stay faithful to their wives but too cowardly to do anything about it. If I could, I would make sure no married loser ever lays their eyes on a girl they cannot protect and commit to. I am thoroughly disgusted by them and wish they would stop ruining our lives.
Getting back on the subject, my root chakra needs grounding and stability. I believe this can only be achieved if I start to feel like I am part of a group or a community. I have achieved so much up until now and I am so grateful to God and to everyone for supporting me, however, I cannot stop feeling like something gigantic is missing in my life. The fact that I am single and alone overshadows every important milestone I have worked hard to cross. Nothing else ever matters anymore. All I can think about and feel is my loneliness and misery as I wonder what could be so wrong with me or the world for my husband to take this long to show up in my life. Where could he be seriously? When is he coming? I am so pissed right now I could punch the keys off of my keyboard.
If my husband ever does show up, he has a lot of explaining to do. I have been stood up by him for what feels like eternity and I am done waiting! In the meantime, can you hand me my sword so I can slice the faces of these married losers who cannot stop swarming my way. No offense to any married guy who reads my post. I just don’t want to be played by anyone who is married. There should be a special place in hell for people like that.