I love to be happy, then why do I focus on the fact that I am not? Why do I entertain thoughts which make me anything else other than what I want to be? Why do I catch myself speaking about that person who said something mean to me, or that time I got hurt or disappointed? Why am I speaking more about things I hate and giving them space in my precious mind and memory? Why am I affirming stuff which cause me to feel stressed by constantly speaking about them and validating their existence in my past, present and future?
The simple truth is this: you can choose how you want to feel at any given moment. This was hard to learn because we believe that we have no control over how other people, events and places make us feel. We believe that it is our duty to simply respond and react to stimulus from our environment. We are rarely told that there is another way. A better way, where you can choose not to react and preserve your happy state of being no matter what happens around and to you.
I am here to tell you now, that you can choose how you want to feel regardless of what is happening right now. You can do this by refusing to validate the existence of things you don’t like. This might sound like denial but it is not. This is in fact, a subtle way of saying that even if you know so and so is mean to you, even if you know you hate spaghetti with all your heart because you almost chocked and died because of it, that you are not going to focus on the spaghettis of your life, but rather, you will focus on that cheesecake, which melts in your mouth every time you have a bite, and makes your palate dance with joy. Therefore, speak more about the cheesecakes of your life and forget about the spaghettis.
When you have lived a fairly good number of years on earth and have been broken more than several times, you will learn that your life is not about just you, rather, it is about all those people whose lives you will touch with your heart.
Unlike what we are told, we are not here in this world to live for ourselves, separated from everyone else’s life and problems. We live to influence one another and help each other along the journey of life. In fact, this simple truth is what I call life purpose. Our dreams, passions and even the careers we choose, might seem like our own doing, but really, our choices serve the highest good of everyone around us. By everyone I mean, your community, your nation, your siblings, colleagues, or some total strangers you will meet and whose lives you will change for the better. Sometimes, it could even be the environment, trees, forests, rivers or lakes, which you will embark on a journey to save or advocate against their destruction through your environmental advocacy programs, which you found yourself to be very passionate about, more than anything else in this world. The point is, this whole world is built around the idea, that everything and everyone is perfectly positioned to cross each others’ paths in life, at the right time and moment, just when we are most in need of what they will come to bring into our life. When someone we meet hurts us, then that person has come into our life to teach us some really important lessons we must learn for our own development and growth. Whereas, when that person makes our life better, then they become the answer to our prayers and a relief from the suffering we endured in the course of our life.
For this reason, it is crucial that you remember, the next time someone you meet hurts you, that it was no accident, but rather, it was a blessing in disguise. So never take it personally. Learn the lessons and grow from the pain. Also, most importantly, when you find yourself giving more to a person than you are receiving, take it that you are in their life for a reason, being that you are the relief they have been hoping for. You shouldn’t feel taken advantage of. Neither should you feel it is not worth being with them. Instead you should know that we don’t live just for ourselves, but others too. And just like today you were a blessing to someone else, tomorrow someone will be a blessing to you. Because the universe rewards all of us, who are willing to make someone else’s life a little bit better. The universe loves those who consider the greater good of everyone involved.
It took for me to live 27 years of my life to realize that in order for anyone to become their best self, they must shed their old self. I call this process dissolving the persona. This is when you slowly chip away at an unshapely rudimentary rock, to create a beautiful sculpture of the person you want to be; your best self in all ways.
This process can only happen when you decide to allow it. It cannot happen unconsciously. It all begins when you make a choice to let go of the person you have known yourself to be until this point, and all the limitations you have placed upon your own self expression, abilities and dreams.The next step requires you to be daring and brave enough to step into a new identity of your own making and a new story of your life. The difference between the former you and the new you is this: you did not get to choose who you were since you were shaped by your circumstances which were mostly out of your control, whereas, this time, you get to choose who you want to become and control your life and your response to circumstances around you. In other words, before now, life happened to you but now, YOU happen to life, which has no choice but to heed to your every demand.
So why does anyone need to do this? Shouldn’t people just be happy the way they are? Well, are you happy the way you are? Are you living the life of your dreams? Are you living at your highest potential? Do you wake up happy and excited about your life each morning? Or do you dread opening your eyes to start another day? If life is not pleasing anymore, something needs to give. And if it is true that the world is a reflection of your dominant thoughts and attitudes, ideas and beliefs you hold about life and people, and your life sucks right now, then it is time to press DELETE on that folder you call everything about me I know about me that no longer serves me.
You will meet with resistance as you embark on your journey of skin shedding, mostly from yourself, as your old self resists the new and the uncomfortable. But you will take the reigns and slowly, gently push your old self out of the way, out of your way, as you step into a world filled with possibilities, where you could become anything you desire and assume a new identity which works for you, not against you. Through this evolution of self mastery and regeneration, you will become a super human being, who is happier, healthier, wiser and living a meaningful life, in harmony with yourself and everyone and everything around you.
I cannot believe I am writing this blog right now, especially when my oral exams are just a few hours away! But here goes!
I couldn’t sleep a wink last night so I decided to pray. While laying in bed, with my blanket tossed to the side, and my heart racing to the moon and back like it wasn’t a part of my body, I prayed. In my mind, a voice said, “Now is the time to make right with God. Settle your differences with him and ask for mercy.” I obliged. I raised my now trembling hands, and told him how much I needed him to help me with my exams. I pleaded with his infinitely merciful conduct and put all the prayers on auto play on my youtube. With a rosery in my hands, I began what would be a very long night of the pitter pattering of my heart in my chest, and the chocking tightening of my throat in my neck.I am sure God yesterday asked the angels in heaven, “who is that who has been imploring me all through the night? Please go check if she is okay. She sounds like she must be dying or something.”
I must have heard the words, “Don’t panic!” , “Don’t be scared,” atleast a million times now. “Believe in yourself because I believe in you,” was the latest song I heard today from someone I look up to and admire. If he could believe in me, why is it so hard for me to believe in myself? Come on now, even if I only spent the last two months gallivanting into and out of depression and anxiety, I must know at least one or two things! I cannot be blank, or could I?
Every cloud has a silver lining( I know it is cliché, I am hating myself for using it), and the silver here is that I am clad in a sharp blue suit and I am feeling like the first female president of Kenya. That fact alone, is enough to make me accept whatever the panel brings gracefully and with dignity, even if all I have to say is, “I don’t think I know the answer to that.” as many times as is allowed.
In life we get hurt. It hurts the most when it is the closest people who stab us. The wounds take long to heal. Sometimes they don’t. So, how does anyone deal with the trauma of heartbreak?
I tried to forget. I even lied to myself and somehow convinced myself that I was mistaken about them. Perhaps, it was all my fault. Maybe, I shouldn’t have had high expectations from them. Maybe, I should not love too much with all my heart. This self-deception did not work. Infact, every time, they would trigger me again and again, and my heart would ache with so much anguish as if I was back in the past, receiving the same painful stabs to my poor heart over and over. Forgiving and forgetting never worked either. All the positive thinking in the world did not help me forget. My body refused to let it go, my heart would pinch into my rib cage and suffocate me every time I forgot the ugly claws of my perpetrators.
So I said, what if revenge is the only way which could relax my aggrieved heart? What if I must settle the score with them so I could feel peaceful again? What if I need to make them feel the same pain if not more? I realized some of these people if not all, never say sorry or feel any remorse for how they treated me. For such people, they must be made to taste the pain they caused. Only then will they learn to respect and treat others with considerat
If the universe won’t help heal me, at least, it should help me revenge against them, right?
We live in a world system which has conditioned us, whether intentionally or by accident, to believe we are weak. Schools were put up to teach us because we are ignorant. Hospitals exist to treat us because we can’t heal ourselves. Religion was created because we cannot take responsibility for our own lives; there needs to be someone we can blame for causing us unhappiness and pain right? There has to be someone, other than us, who is in control of our lives, making us miserable most of the times than happy, right? Wrong!
With every passing day, people are realizing the system is not how things really are. Many exemplary authors of life-changing books have testified about miraculous achievements where cancer patients, paralyzed people and others have completely healed just by thinking they are healthy and practicing feeling health and seeing themselves cancer free, or walking and running and completely healed. People like the youngest physicist in the world, show us that we are not naturally ignorant as to require schools to paint brush knowledge into our minds, but rather, we already know what we need to know and the schools give us a means to communicate that to others or at least structure it; and this can be done by just about anyone really, proving how many more people today prefer to homeschool their children, or at least control the environment in which their children are given this guidance or channeling.
Religion, on the other hand, well what do I say? This one is a tough one. It has been the oldest system perhaps and is the hardest to change or to reprogram our minds about what we believe. It is the most personal of all of the systems and most guarded. All these systems were created by us as we struggled to come up with the meaning behind life. We needed to hold unto something, to refer back to a way of life. Given that the world has millions if not billions of languages, cultures and geographical spaces, it makes sense that our religions are also different and each one seems strange and blasphemous to one another. I am not saying there is no God. There indeed exists the source of all the life we are and we see; a master designer, and genius at that! However, when it came to religions as the systems we know today, it was back then, all about the individual community’s or person’s personal experience with this source of life and how successfully they were able to influence or rather put everyone else, who did not take the time to think about the existential nitty gritties of life, on board their ship. Over time, and many centuries later, modifications were added to suit these philosophies about God, acquired from the personal experiences, whether ordinary or miraculous, of who God is or is not, and we have what we have today. That is why, many people even though they are amazed by the truths present in some holy scriptures about findings science only came to discover later, they are horrified by some ideas contained within them. Ideas like idolize get one community of people above everyone else, like in the bible and Quran for example, where God is literally taken to be the God of Israelis since the tribe has been mentioned to be favored by God. Also, many prophets if not all, are Jewish or Hebrew. As I take it, even prophet Mohammed peace be upon him and his family, is a descendant of Ishmael, the other son of prophet Abraham, a Hebrew. So it basically means today, that all Muslims in the world, and Christians alike, believe in the God of Israelis or Jews. Then it begs also the question, why would these two sides never eat from the same plate if they cook from the same pot? And why Muslims hate Jews so much if they worship their God and read the Quran, which has a special chapter on Israelis and mentions throughout the text how God has favored Israelis above everyone else in the world? Anyways, you get my point. I don’t want to get too much into religious politics, that is not what this post is about.
This post is about how we as a human race, have successfully built and programmed our minds around systems which defeat us instead of uplift us? How have we successfully sustained the very systems which have disempowered us and made us victims of our life circumstances? Today, when authors like Joe Dispenza, Joe Vitale, Bob Proctor, Neville Goddard, Rhonda Byrne and Jen Sincero write about the power of our minds and how we can heal from diseases just by thinking and feeling, and how we can surrender to the real God, haha excuse my language, rather what I mean to say is, how we can each find our personal relationship with God God, not someone else’s God, we are reluctant to accept this new truth. We shun it and say it is blasphemous! (Myself included, well it has not been easy I tell you). Don’t we realize how the prophets had ties unique relationship with God, don’t we want to find and search for him ourselves like they did? Don’t we want to talk to God, ask him for signs and miracles, like they did? Why are we robbing ourselves of this special feeling of being closer to God?Why do we have to believe only hospitals can take away our sickness, when God heals us through our own mind? Why do we succumb to fears and failures when God through our minds, has equipped us with ways we can create what we want to experience with imagination, visualization and positive thoughts. Do you think God would have sent us to this world helpless? Or would he have given us all we need to thrive? If the answer is yes, then why can’t we accept the abilities and creative power God has given us through our minds and get out of our own way? Why can’t we look for God in everything we see and marvel at his genius? Why can’t we live the life of our dreams, which God intended for us, where we thrive instead of surviving because we refuse to give up ideas which hurt us and take our power away from us? All God wants is for us to enjoy this life he has given us and to partake in the food he provided for us to sustain us, and use the power he gave us to create our own experiences and in return he says, “When you are thankful, I will increase you.” Is that so hard?
I am crying my eyes out right now. It is not because someone broke my heart or backstabbed me, No! I am crying waterfalls because I just realized growing up can be so painful.
I have been someone who cannot stay put in one place, job or interest for long. I get excited about someone, something or someplace like a little girl’s first trip to disneyland but this ecstacy soon fades away like melted cotton candy. If it was upto me, I would spend the rest of my life excited about the next new experience and the next without a care in the world. I would not be committed to anything too difficult or monotonous and I would jump, like a frog, from one thing to another until my last breath. But I can’t.
The choices I made bound me mercilessly like some prisoner on a life sentence. I chose law, graduated after almost being sure I wasn’t going to. I then took a break from studying under the excuse of getting work experience, when it was really me quitting this whole legal business and hoping to land a job doing nothing legal. I landed that job, but it was everything to do with law. So law became this clingy ex-girlfriend who couldn’t register the fact that I just didn’t want her anymore. I gave up fighting and just when I was starting to enjoy my job, it turned out it wasn’t interesting anymore and work became too boring and stressful to even try. Plus, it didn’t help that my position was only temporary lasting only until the project I was working on was completed. So instead of waiting to be bid good bye, I tensed up and made another dumb attempt at making up with my ex, by going back to advocate training program. It was something only couples who break up and make up a gazillion times would understand; no matter how many times you make up, it would not delete the reason why you broke up. As long as it is the same people involved, there is always going to be that elephant in the room; we are just not compatible! And that is me, with my girlfriend, law.
To be honest, my girlfriend is not bad at all! There were moments I felt guilty for resenting her the way I have. She is someone many people admire as prestigious and noble. Some of the people I know, secretly wish they had had her. It is an ego boost just to be connected to her and her status. Only those who are seen as smart and intelligent can claim her, but why do I feel so smothered by her? Why am I crying because of her? Well, it is simple, she might be all of that to everyone else, but to me she has been like A Nightmare on Elm Street; my worst horror movie experience when I was a child.
She has demanded many precious years of my life in what seems like an endless race to the non-existent finish line. She has forced me to stay up and read uninteresting and tasteless statutes which sucked the life out of my creativity. She challenged me to face exams after exams after exams. Even right now as I write this, I have to suffer rising levels of panic and anxiety for oral exams, which is all everyone in school talks and freaks about. That is why I cry. I cry because I have to suffer my worst case of anxiety and depression since I was born, for something which does not even tug at my heart strings; something so rigid and bland like frozen carrots. I could be elsewhere right now, writing my first novel, making and acing reading goals where I read dozens of books I ENJOY every day of my life. I could be spending my days, inspired by that fresh and salty sea breeze sweeping across my face on the beach or that calm rippling of the sea, with a playful swoosh swooshing back and forth of the peaceful waves breaking by the shore. I could be somewhere writing about ideas and philosophy of life, describing the other-wordly feeling of being in love , or sharing jewel pieces of wisdom from my own experiences in life. I could be taking pictures with my Sony Handycam of everything and everyone that spiked an inspiration for a feeling or an idea and went with that for my next blog and the next. In those lucky days where I could travel, I would write about my adventures abroad and hold them dear to my heart.
Why am I here instead? Watching myself become more and more miserable as I lie to myself each day that today will be better, today I will get some reading done on that daunting pile of statutes or law books, which already gave up on me a long time ago. Is keeping on going like this, what is referred to as growing up? Is this what it means to take responsibility for my life, and for all the money my dad spent to take me through school? If pushing on despite the urge to give up is what growth means, then it is indeed painful!