Pleading With God

I cannot believe I am writing this blog right now, especially when my oral exams are just a few hours away! But here goes!

I couldn’t sleep a wink last night so I decided to pray. While laying in bed, with my blanket tossed to the side, and my heart racing to the moon and back like it wasn’t a part of my body, I prayed. In my mind, a voice said, “Now is the time to make right with God. Settle your differences with him and ask for mercy.” I obliged. I raised my now trembling hands, and told him how much I needed him to help me with my exams. I pleaded with his infinitely merciful conduct and put all the prayers on auto play on my youtube. With a rosery in my hands, I began what would be a very long night of the pitter pattering of my heart in my chest, and the chocking tightening of my throat in my neck.I am sure God yesterday asked the angels in heaven, “who is that who has been imploring me all through the night? Please go check if she is okay. She sounds like she must be dying or something.”

I must have heard the words, “Don’t panic!” , “Don’t be scared,” atleast a million times now. “Believe in yourself because I believe in you,” was the latest song I heard today from someone I look up to and admire. If he could believe in me, why is it so hard for me to believe in myself? Come on now, even if I only spent the last two months gallivanting into and out of depression and anxiety, I must know at least one or two things! I cannot be blank, or could I?

Every cloud has a silver lining( I know it is cliché, I am hating myself for using it), and the silver here is that I am clad in a sharp blue suit and I am feeling like the first female president of Kenya. That fact alone, is enough to make me accept whatever the panel brings gracefully and with dignity, even if all I have to say is, “I don’t think I know the answer to that.” as many times as is allowed.

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