How Self-Aware Are You?

I registered for Kain Ramsay’s counselling course at Udemy, and perhaps, this is the best decision I have ever made. The universe took me to this course, before this, I did not even know about Udemy and that there are courses you can take for as low as 17 bucks. The ad on Instagram was quite random as well and I had no idea I was following this site. But here I was, clicking on the link and finding myself quite drawn to register for it right away! And I did.

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Dominic West Loves Lamu

I have traveled to most parts of the world but I have not seen a place like Lamu.

Dominic West

The universe is full of exciting surprises and today I was lucky enough to meet Dominic West, yes you heard me, the Dominic West of the movie The Affair.

I have always prayed to have so much money to travel the world and meet incredible people and today, the universe brought Dominic West all the way to my village just so I could meet him face to face. Incredible!

his awesome autograph

Today was magical in every way. My faith in the universe and in the existence of many possibilities has doubled. The world is beautiful and amazing, full of awesome people and places and I want to explore all of them!

What Is Your Guiding Compass In Life?

Imagine what it would feel like to know the answers to every one of your questions. Then imagine how effortless solving your problems would become if solutions presented themselves to you upon request, or if you could just ask for what you want and it is delivered!

It started as a hobby of mine. I listened to youtube videos about almost anything and suddenly, I find myself learning about an intriguing phenomenon of angel numbers.

Now, before you decide what your feelings about this are going to be, I urge you to entertain this thought with me for a little while. Imagine you are walking down a street, lost in thought about a problem that has been troubling you very much and no matter what you have done about it, you simply cannot understand what your next step should be. Now imagine if there is someone or something ever present listening in your inner turmoil and knows the solution to your problem but speaks in codes or numbers instead of directly in words. Would you still want to decipher what those numbers mean when they appear to you consistently, in a pattern every time you are thinking similar thoughts or are in a bind and need assurance that you are headed the right way? I found out these numbers, if you bother to notice them, carry meaning. They are always saying something.

Before this, I had no passion for numbers;being a student who failed mathematics with zeal and determination, I was glad when they told me there is a course which does not take into account my terrible score in mathematics and I dived right in. However, right now, I find myself searching numbers on Google more than the regular accountant. I have been baptised into the religion of numbers and I find myself constantly on a hunt, for the next big revelation of a constantly-appearing set of numbers like, 909, 109, 116, 313 and so on and what their relationship is with where I am at in my life right now.

Sometimes you find a direct reflection of your thoughts in the meaning of a number you just saw. Sometimes even you get to know in advance what is coming into your life that you need to prepare for. And on those other times, when you try to hold onto a relationship or a situation that no longer serves you, you find numbers such as 9 and 10 urging you to move on since you have gone full circle and new beginnings, promising a better future, await you. The messages are endless. They appear to each one of us when we need them the most.

Sometimes these messages may be confusing or one set of numbers can mean a bunch of things when you Google their meanings, it is during these times that I engage with my tarot deck and my intuition to clarify what whoever is sending them is trying to say.

I know this may sound weird to people who decided life is a certain way, and not any other way. Or that there are no messages in those numbers. But I thought so too. Coming from a culturally and religiously-defined village off of the Coast of Kenya meant that I had a lot of programmed beliefs and conditions that I needed to see beyond in order to accept a different way of looking at life. So it is understandable if you do not believe this. However, I dare you to give these numbers a try and see whether or not they make any sense.

A Queen, Putting On Her Crown of Self-Love

I have many things to talk about. Sometimes, I could have running thoughts about three things and I have to decide which to tell you first. This is one such day. And I have picked what I want to share with you. So here goes…
I have said many times that I am on a journey of self-love. While it might seem easy to assume that all I probably do is tell myself how valuable I am and say a bunch of positive self-affirmations, it goes way deeper and the road becomes only more daring and treacherous. Let me give you my example…

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I had a Big Realization Today

I know I rant about this and that sometimes(bear with me please), that is because, apart from my passion for writing which drove me to create this website over 3 years ago, another reason I put up my site at WordPress.com was simply to have a platform for venting. Can you relate? Perhaps, I should have know then that this website was going to be my diary, where I scribble this and that of every day of my life.

Yesterday after meeting with several frustrations, I came to my diary to vent. If you read yesterday’s post, you will see how confused and a little biased, (a lot biased, I mean, I really believed there are no good human beings left in this world)I was, about how hard human me vs. other humans who-are-not-me interactions can be. What stood out to me today however, was an enlightenment that perhaps, will solve my personal conundrum about relationships.

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The Unsolvable Puzzle of Human Interactions-how hard can it be?

I swear to God dealing with other humans is so hard.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, or maybe there is something awfully wrong with other people around me, but this one thing remains to be a time-tested fact of my life, and that is other human beings are difficult enough to keep me wishing I was the only person around me.

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What if Our Divine Purpose is Not to Do but to Become

Ever wondered what your life purpose is? I have. Many times. The answer: Well, not so straightforward! There were days I thought I was brought to this world to help vulnerable children, some times I thought I was definitely born to be a writer and influence the world with my words (Well, what do you think?), and on those other occasions, when I spent more time in other worlds, I thought I was an alien brought to experience this human life, how else would you explain my obsession with other forms of life somewhere in undiscovered dimensions of space and time? What if there is a world where humans are animals and animals are humans? No wonder I try to be kind to my cat, NamNam and to all those donkeys I see on the streets, you never know NamNam could easily become my owner in another world. Heck! I even find myself saying, thank you, and please and I am sorry to my cat and excuse me please to a donkey who has blocked my path. One cannot be too careful!

The point is, there are so many things, sometimes confusing, which we can attribute our life meaning to. But what if the whole point of purpose and meaning in one’s life is all about becoming your authentic self, which authors of books on reincarnation claim you have forgotten when you came to this life? What if, in realizing your true self, as you grow and learn and expand your understanding of who you are, your true essence as a soul, you are fulfilling your life purpose? Does it make sense?

In theology, philosophy and other related disciplines, the very first question one is naturally inclined to ask is, “Who am I?” why am I here? Is there a God? Why do I need to wear clothes? and all those other very important questions we ask ourselves at one or several points in our life, come later. Think about it, every important stage in our life prompts us to get to know ourselves first in order to understand and know someone else. Every relationship we have, whether it has the potential to thrive or not, depends on how much we have learned about ourselves;only after a person has known who they are, are they capable of truly knowing someone else.

When I think about God, the universe or whoever it is who created life, I believe he did not just sit down in his human factory and say: Now you go cure the sick , or Now you go bury the dead, I would like to believe he was more subtle than that. He probably would say something like this, Now go live your life and in so doing, discover yourself and find peace. Anyway, that is just my take on the whole life purpose thing, what do you think?

Our Perfect Imperfections

Today, I want to talk about our “not-so-good” human side of ourselves which has made us become victims of our own self-criticism and that of spiteful people we have come across with in our lives, who call us names, give us labels which describe them more than us, and make us simply feel crappy about our very nature as human beings.

Other humans can be mean. And that is okay.

I have been through it all. I have been called crazy, just because I fell into depression early on in life, I have been called weird, just because I was different from what was considered the norm in my village, I have been judged way more than been loved, by people whose names I did not even know, and rather surprisingly, by people I called family and friends. All this time, I got hurt, heartbroken, disappointed and triggered. All this time, I got bothered, while my attackers simply moved on living their life oblivious to the damage they caused me.To them, perhaps, it was no big deal. I think there are some malicious people in the world who have nothing good to say to me. I also think this world would have been a better place if everyone was mindful of what they say to each other.

Life passed by and I found myself very cautious of others’ opinions about me. I would bend myself over backwards to stay in people’s good side. I would even sacrifice my own happiness so my neighbors are not angry with me, so my boyfriend is not displeased, so the entire world can be my friend. What I did not know was, every time I looked the other way when someone attacked my character, it was as if I was giving them the knife to stab into my self esteem, my identity and my self-worth, if I have not done that to myself already. Therefore, it made sense that every time everyone was happy with me, I suffered immensely. On the other hand every time I decided I was going to demand to be treated right, the whole world seemed angry with me, as if saying, “Just stay the same as you have been. Why change? It worked for us when you are pleasing us at your own peril. Why do you have to be so selfish now?”

I had severe neck pains for several days. I still had to go to work anyway and for this reason my pain only got worse. I finally decided to pop into a chemist and ask for a strong painkiller to help me feel better.

“Hi, can I please get a strong painkiller for my neck. It has been killing me and I cannot take time out to rest right now.”

The pharmacist takes one look at me and asks, “You are Zeinab right? You have anxiety.” He turned to his colleague at the counter and repeated these same words about me.The conviction and credence with which he said these words surprised me as much as pierced into my very core, and here I was, trying to implement my plan of being in high vibration and staying on a high-flying disc despite the pain. I was shook to my core. Instead of smiling like I always do and cry somewhere later, I found myself responding something about does the chemist have a law about not catering to anxiety-stricken people, or something like “Are you saying I am making up my pain because I have anxiety.” I wished someone would punch this man whose name I did not even know who is being so mean right now.

After many many hurtful remarks, unfair judgement and nasty labels and billions of tears and wallowing in self-pity, self-loathing even and low self esteem, I finally realized something that would change my life forever…

It was just an ordinary day, I left work in the evening and stopped by my favorite cafe to read the “Attractor Factor:5 Easy Steps For Creating Wealth (or anything else) from the inside out,” By Joe Vitale, and I came across a statement where he explained that if something someone says triggers you, you need to ask yourself why that is so. It may be a sign you have not yet unconditionally loved yourself. It may be that you have believed those labels and in your belief you have attracted them into your experience. After reading this, I contemplated the reason why anyone in my life experience would be so judgmental and I found myself, on my way back home, so engrossed in thought, that even if a donkey were to come racing at me I would not notice in time to duck and then out of nowhere, as if the universe was listening all along to my inner turmoil, a wave of inspiration started flowing into my mind, truth after truth about the following three things:

  1. The universe, God, or whoever you believe in, loves you with all your imperfections. Yes, especially if you had all the odds stacked against you, if you had to suffer more than others, or if you were a victim of circumstances you could not control, you will attract the attention of the universe and you will find yourself living an extraordinary life, a life where everything that people used against you, every fight you endured, finally makes sense. Everything you once thought would defeat you, as Joel Osteen says, was meant to raise you to your destiny. The universe adores the underdogs, the black sheep, the overlooked and under appreciated. These people who beat odds gain the support and assistance of the universe. So instead of feeling sorry for yourself because you have been wrongfully judged, or feel less than because you have had to battle with mental illness, or feel like if only you could be perfect, if only you did not have anxiety, or depression, or cancer or whatever it may be, others would have thought highly of you, stop! And start loving your imperfections because the universe chose you because of all that you think may be wrong with you. Do you hear me?
  2. Other people do not matter. What they think and believe about you does not matter. What matters is your own beliefs about who you are and your own inner voice. Do you love yourself just the way you are? Does the little voice in your head say good things about you? Do you unconditionally love and accept yourself? When you reach a dangerously awesome level of self love and acceptance, nothing others do or say will faze you.
  3. Train your mind to praise you and as Marisa Peer says, “Think powerful thoughts.” Instead of leaving your mind to stay idle or obsess over this or that, try training it to repeat these words, “I am beautiful. I am abundant. I love myself. I attract good things into my life. Because I am happy about myself, the universe brings to me more reasons to be happy with my life.”

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