Today I asked my tarot, “Will I ever be able to love and trust someone?” And pluup! Falls the infamous card of all time, the five of pentacles! Here is my take on this card and what it tells me about myself and my struggle:
It is okay to love myself. It is not selfish to think about myself. It is not selfish to want the best piece of cake for myself. It is not selfish to take care of myself. It is not selfish to stop giving all I am and all I have to others, forgetting myself. It is okay to stop and rest and take care of myself. It is okay to avoid toxic people even if they are family and friends, for my peace of mind.
- You cannot give what you don’t have;If I think my parents did not love me, that is because they were not given love then, how could they love me when they were not loved themselves. You must know what being loved feels like to be able to love someone else. Negative energy such as lack of love has a trickling down effect; it spreads downward to the next person and the next and so on until the chain is broken. The chain is broken with healing the wound in your heart.
- If you did not receive love as a child, you will have a problem receiving and recognizing love as an adult. Love is hard to see. Trusting is out of the question.You live life expecting the shoe to drop at any given moment. You drop the shoe first before anyone else to protect yourself.
- Pain is familiar: you will find yourself in situations that cause you the same pain over and over again. A kind of hell tailored specific to your worst fears coming true. Your relationships will have a similar pattern of the kind of love you received in childhood. You will attract, like a magnet, all situations that replay the same old wounds. You will feel like dying. You will cry your eyeballs out and fall into depression. You will ask yourself why you meet wrong men. Why you cannot find a man who is willing to commit and love you without conditions. You will be searching for that one man who can make you feel loved and declare to the world your value and your worth, so that you feel worthy.
If your wound was, being neglected by your parents, not receiving enough attention, you will find yourself in situations where you compromise a lot and think it is okay if your partner does not call or check up on you as often as is required. You will think that it is normal because that has been your normal, but it isn’t.
Take for instance, being a secret child myself, I have been in situations where I was the secret mistress. For quite a long time that was okay. I tried but normal open relationships with a normal single boy turn me off. I would feel attracted to unavailable men who had to keep our relationship a secret and still maintain their lives.
This is what five of pentacles in the tarot deck tells you about yourself.
The question then is, when does it end? It ends with healing the wound. It starts with identifying why you are selfless, over-giving,resentful of pampered children, hard to recognize if someone loves you, hard to trust anyone, are stuck in one-sided relationships where you care more and give most, are a secret mistress,are turned off by normal loving relationships( which I mean you can’t accept the boy who confesses his love to you but are willing to chase after someone who loves you less), if you have these things in you, you are more than likely to be described by the five of pentacles; which means, at one point in your life, you suffered some form of pain and loss which affected important areas of your life even after the passage of time. The energy still surrounds you and influences your decisions, how you see others, what you think you deserve and how much you are willing to sacrifice for everyone else except for yourself.
The second step in the healing process is to forgive and apologize. How? You say sorry to yourself. Yes, you heard me right. I am doing it to show you right now, “Zeinab, I am sorry for all the times you gave your all only to accept crumbs. I am sorry that you feel you are selfish if after giving away all your pizza to people, you keep the last slice for yourself. I am sorry that you feel you have to give so much to others in order to gain their approval. I am sorry that you accepted any less than a loyal committed love partner. I am sorry that you are kept secret by your father. I am sorry that you don’t feel you need to stand up for yourself sometimes. I am sorry that you won’t rest until you have pleased everyone, even at the expense of your well being. I am sorry that you were not loved like you should have been by those who gave you life. I am sorry for reliving this hell over and over again so many times. I am sorry that you are having to add, healing your wounds, to the list of many important things you have to do throughout your life. I am sorry you struggled way more than you should have. I am sorry for having to stay strong even when you didn’t need to. I am sorry you are awake at 4 in the morning writing all this, trying to figure out how to heal yourself, when you could have been sleeping. I am sorry for everything.”
The next next step is to forgive your parents and to pray for your children. If you did not get parental love, most likely, your parents did not as well as their parents and their parents and it goes on and on until Adam.
To be fair, is to forgive what was beyond anyone’s control. Your parents did not heal, probably they are still suffering now in their 60s. How do you forgive them? By understanding and being grateful that at least you got to the first steps of healing and they did not. By thanking heavens that you, if you got to this far in the healing process,at least have a better chance of living the rest of your life properly, harmoniously, that your children will be raised better, by parents who took the time to heal and therefore, you will not project your wounds on them and cause them to be awake, at 4 in the morning, at 26 years of age, trying to understand why they are so unhappy.
Forgive your exes, they showed you what was wrong with how they treated you. They helped you through inflicting pain, to realize the cause of that pain and that it wasn’t right that you kept putting up with the same pain over and over again. They say we gain consciousness through suffering(Westworld’s Doctor Robert Ford’s words, very befitting considering personal hell and loops). Maybe there is some truth to this statement. Maybe, through your bad relationships, you were able to identify the self-destructing pattern or loop you have been stuck in. Through the depression and the anxiety, you learned. It is okay to forgive them now for the pain and cruelty they have inflicted on you.
The last but most crucial step in the healing process is rebirth and change. You must accept nothing less for yourself anymore. All those men who you were stuck with in your own little personal hell you must say goodbye to. The guys who wanted to give you the world but you booted them,you will start appreciating them more now. You will realize that you no longer tolerate bad and selfish behavior. You will realize your worth and start demanding to be treated right by your family,friends and lovers or they risk being left outside your world. You will set time aside for yourself to spoil and pamper yourself. You will have your own dreams and visions about your ideal life and you will start believing, for the first time, that you deserve the very best in this life. And the very best is rightfully yours!