Loving you feels like being in in Antarctica or worse, surviving a plane crush and getting stranded amidst snowy mountains like Idris Alba in “The Mountain between Us”!
I am a magnet for emotionally unavailable men. It seems like even if a cold and distant man were to live in a tiny hole in a rock at the bottom of the Indian Ocean, I would somehow find myself attracted to them.
Having a distant father literally turned me into a walking, talking Thompson gazelle in a ravenous pride of lions. Emotionally aloof and distant men smell me in a second and eat me whole.
I have been chasing men who are my father but I just did not realize it. Now that I look back at my chain of endlessly-disappointing past relationships I realize there is one characteristic in common: I always felt strongly for men who were unattainable simply because of how coolly aloof and emotionally cold they were. These types of men made me obsessed and fixated on getting them and if they were to reject me, which was almost always the case, I would cry my heart out in anguish until I got sick the next day.
What I did not know was that my attraction towards them was always a sign that they were representative of my father somehow and that I needed to run the other way instead of pursue.
I wish I had known this earlier, I would have saved myself tons of self-inflicted heartache and sorrow. But too bad I have been too blind to notice how much damage these crushes, attractions and infatuations caused me over the years ; they made me eternally frustrated in love by making me invest and over give in pursuit of men who could never, for one reason or another, return the same level of attention, care and love. Somehow my brain always wanted to work hard for these relationships to last and for these men to accept and love me. I would close my eyes to the most obvious truth- which was that these men simply could not love me back the way I had needed and desperately yearned for. It was as if I was constantly choosing the opposite of what I needed over and over again and closing my heart and mind to real love and connection.
I have not done myself justice. I need to learn to dismiss my attractions. I should differentiate between love and infatuation. An article on huff post put it this way: “You need to distinguish between feelings of infatuation that wash over you and instead realize that love is characterised by actions…”
Wish me good luck !