Toxic People Never Change

When we hear about the word toxic our minds are more likely to shift to an image of scary industrial waste pouring into a lake or weird purple stained chicken with headlines “Toxic chicken causes cancer”. Well, I hate to burst your toxic bubble of sorts by telling you now that a certain someone in your life can be toxic for you. They won’t cause you cancer, they will definitely take you to therapy though- and we both know shrinks do not accept insurance!

When someone is toxic they are controlling, overbearing, manipulative and moody.

You never know which side of them you are dealing with and what not to say to upset them. What is worse is that these people somehow are revered and overly respected and feared by others such that instead of any possible change in behavior in future, these people are guaranteed to remain the same, condescending, mean monsters but only worse.

You can smell a toxic person from miles away by seeing these signs:

1. They are feared and their word is the law.

2. They make everyone submit to their will by sheer force or through incessant debate.

3. They reward “dutiful” minions with gifts and love.

4. They hate a difference in opinion.

5. They will abuse you and then play the victim.

6. They constantly need to have the last word.

7.They will manipulate you to feel guilty for standing up for yourself.

8. They will bully you to the ends of the earth about anything really, from the way you walk to the way you chew.

9. They appear overly nice in the beginning to trap you into the illusion that they deserve your obedience at any and all times.

It is trickier and much more frustrating when these people are your family. They will poison you with their behavior for life and scar you in the deepest corners of your being. These people will not only damage your self esteem and sense of self worth, they will come out of this experience as the good guys and you will be alienated and exiled from your own family because of them. These people remain the same gross creatures even after old age and they will become worse, and use their old age as an excuse to subdue and destroy your essence of happiness and if you stand up to them, you will be labeled the genie for handling a frail old woman with heart conditions, with utter inconsideration. Well dear old bully monster of the millenia of the world, just die already !

Bye Bye Ice, Welcome Sunshine !

Loving you feels like being in in Antarctica or worse, surviving a plane crush and getting stranded amidst snowy mountains like Idris Alba in “The Mountain between Us”!

I am a magnet for emotionally unavailable men. It seems like even if a cold and distant man were to live in a tiny hole in a rock at the bottom of the Indian Ocean, I would somehow find myself attracted to them.

Having a distant father literally turned me into a walking, talking Thompson gazelle in a ravenous pride of lions. Emotionally aloof and distant men smell me in a second and eat me whole.

I have been chasing men who are my father but I just did not realize it. Now that I look back at my chain of endlessly-disappointing past relationships I realize there is one characteristic in common: I always felt strongly for men who were unattainable simply because of how coolly aloof and emotionally cold they were. These types of men made me obsessed and fixated on getting them and if they were to reject me, which was almost always the case, I would cry my heart out in anguish until I got sick the next day.

What I did not know was that my attraction towards them was always a sign that they were representative of my father somehow and that I needed to run the other way instead of pursue.

I wish I had known this earlier, I would have saved myself tons of self-inflicted heartache and sorrow. But too bad I have been too blind to notice how much damage these crushes, attractions and infatuations caused me over the years ; they made me eternally frustrated in love by making me invest and over give in pursuit of men who could never, for one reason or another, return the same level of attention, care and love. Somehow my brain always wanted to work hard for these relationships to last and for these men to accept and love me. I would close my eyes to the most obvious truth- which was that these men simply could not love me back the way I had needed and desperately yearned for. It was as if I was constantly choosing the opposite of what I needed over and over again and closing my heart and mind to real love and connection.

I have not done myself justice. I need to learn to dismiss my attractions. I should differentiate between love and infatuation. An article on huff post put it this way: “You need to distinguish between feelings of infatuation that wash over you and instead realize that love is characterised by actions…”

Wish me good luck !

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