Today I was rearranging stuff in my wardrobe and I came across two photo albums containing old photos of my mum when she was beautiful, healthy and stress-free. I felt more connected with her than I have ever been. It was as if I was living her life in the photos; as if I understood the meaning behind each facial expression and smile. How did she end up like this? I did not get to see this wonderful, blissful, ever-smiling and gorgeous woman that I am seeing before my eyes. I feel as if I am seeing her for the first time. Something tells me that this is my real mum whom I have not had the honor to meet and get to know. I feel as if I missed out a great deal.
With tears in my eyes I wished that mum returns to her happy self. I want to see my mum happy and healthy like she was in this photograph. I was not lucky enough to meet this lady. I met a severely stressed woman who had had just enough of disappointments in one lifetime, that she lost her old self somewhere along the way and never got to find her. I feel for her and I am ashamed of myself for failing to understand her journey. I am disappointed in myself for judging her too harshly without knowing what she had had to face or the hardships that kept her crying through the nights. The tears that might have fallen down her cheeks as she hid them so that I could not see. How could I ever judge her when I did not live her life! Going through the albums was a huge eye-opener for me. Seeing her in every stage of her life made me realize that she is not just a mum, but that she is a human being, just like me, with dreams and disappointments,with good days and bad days. I do not like labels. When someone is labeled as a mother, it comes with expectations. A mother should be this or that. I expect a lot from someone who went through so much which I could hardly comprehend or imagine. I made an astounding realization: I do not know my mum. Yes! I do not know her at all! I do not understand her as a person. I never saw past the label, I never saw the human being desperately trying to hang on to her happier old self behind her station as my mother. This is where I went wrong.
Look at me calmly sleeping in her arm. How dare I focus only on her failures and not on that warm and reassuaring embrace?! Shame on me! How would I feel if one day I should have children and they judge me without giving me the benefit of the doubt? I want to take this time to pray for my mum. God please restore her health and beauty and smile. Make her happy and mentally strong. Amin.