I am unable to sleep because most times my mind jumpstarts in the middle of the night! It is as if the clock of my brain was switched in such a way that the night is official day time for me and vice versa!
Maybe, it is the evening naps I normally fall into involuntarily as I lay in bed binge-watching Hawaii- Five O.I would not be surprised if the cause of my suffering was related to the fact that I am all alone by myself for over two weeks now and I have been forced to let the tv stay on all night just because I am too scared to be by myself! It is just so hard to be ME at a time when I could use some company and some voices in the house. I do not like to be alone! But somehow my entire life, life found a way to render me completely solitary! I am in my own life’s solitary confinement! And it sucks!
I was alone when I started college far from home, I am alone at HOME, I am alone in my loneliness!Atleast Repunzel had some company with her, however nasty and malicious! Atleast her boyfriend-prince would see her from time to time.In my case even the wind is having a merrier life, the desert sand dunes get to see caravans once in a while; I am living an astronaut-sent-on-a-solo-mission kind of life; I am a “down-on-earth” astronaut and my old, haunting, empty house is my spaceship and its windows are see-through so atleast I can feel less alone looking through them to see the outside! I do not ever want to feel this way; Infact, it is a survival threat for me whenever I feel deserted and alone! I guess my brain interpreted all those times in my life I was all by myself to be fight or flight moments and my heart starts to race up and I get really anxious. My only companion is my tv, so when the lights went off yesterday, I found that being all by yourself when the entire country was in darkness and your grandmother sleeping downstairs has social anxiety and would rather live on her own private island shut off from any non-botanical life form for the remainder of her days, was terribly scary! Try to sleep in that atmosphere and if you succeed, I will personally hang a poster with your face on it in my room!
Life is nasty! It is cruel, unfair and highly treacherous! I mean what did other people do differently to belong to a family and be surrounded by people and never have to sleep alone ever? Who decides who gets to live what life and who does not? I never chose to grow up without a family or have to dread holidays for the rest of my life because they meant going back home where there is no one actually waiting for me! while everyone gets back home to family and homemade meals and I-have-no-idea-what, I clean my haunted house because there are layers of dust as old as the days I was gone! Heaps and heaps of dust that conquered every inch of my house such that my foot has no space to step on without having dust all over myself! People, normal people, rest after a long debilitating, highly frustrating journey by road when the road I am referring to is riddled with potholes forever at the same exact spots they were when I was ten years old!
Never have I ever understood the divine purpose behind my current state of lonely affairs! What? Did I sign the Holy Charter Of Life Purpose of human beings who were sent to Earth for the sole purpose of experiencing life lessons in loneliness for the rest of our lives so we can be heavenly examples to those with family and friends so they can learn to appreciate their family and not take their amazing social lives for granted? Because everything exists in two ways, full of it and lack of it? Why cannot everything be balanced so we all can enjoy a bit of both? Don’t you think the world is too harsh in its extremities?