I am Just Twenty Four Years Old!

I cannot believe I googled “ways to die painlessly”, yet again! Yes, this is not the first time, and no I never went through with killing myself(obviously, unless this is my ghost writing). At first, it was really super hard to break that taboo barrier of even allowing myself to think about suicide;but once I was on the other side, contemplating painless, quickest ways of offing myself became much easier! The question now remains, will I ever go through with it?Haha I am way too coward to attempt!

I have a zero tolerance for pain or discomfort. I think when they created me, they had not yet created pain, and the pain tolerance scale never existed at the time. I cannot even let someone poke me with their finger. I have not been able to handle pain with dignity and patience.

My philosophy has always been, if it is painful, don’t do it! Because to me anything painful was never supposed to be done in the first place; the pain is there to signal that! So today, I am amazed at myself that I could entertain thoughts of causing pain to myself because I want to get away from the pain in my life.

I may be wrong, but I think my life is fucked up! Excuse my language! I have never gotten anything easily in my life. I have had to fight for every little thing just to stay normal!I got a rough childhood, I still managed to pull through though and get good grades in school. I went away to pursue my secondary education and later college but my life still sucked back home. Whenever I was away I would kid myself into believing that I was making progress and that finally my life was becoming better, however,once I came back home, I am reminded of the same problems I have had to face ,solo, all my childhood and now my young adulthood!I feel like nothing is ever going to change! Why? What kind of problems are never-changing,you ask? Every problem has a solution you say!? Well , not when your problems are your family! You do not get to choose your family, the same way you do not choose whether or not to leave them when they become the most consistent, most enduring source of your emotional and mental breakdown!

I have a mother who is Bipolar, and a grandmother who is schezophrenic and psychotic maybe,? I am not sure!All I know is that my mother was always running away at the sight of a problem, including me. She would pack her bags and flee. Then I would be left with a grandmother who was already battling with her own issues, and I was the victim. In my mother’s dictionary, the word reponsibility does not exist! She gets married and remarried, gives birth to children and more children, and then leaves! So all my half sisters and brothers somehow end up with no parental love or care, with their grannies or daddies! Sometimes the daddies also abandon their children with their parents, whereas, other fortunate times, the daddies, like mine, care enough to be there for us even when they live in another continent!

Because my dad lives far away, I get to carry my family on my shoulders; my irritable,unaccepting-of-any-responsibility bipolar mother, and my schezophrenic gandmother who thinks neighbours are stealing her money through magic! I have to take care of them because no one else will! The few weeks or days I am at home from school, I have to deal with mum’s denial of her mental condition and refusal to take medication,as well as have to convince grandma that nobody spies on her from outside the windows while she eats!And all this I try to do, while desperately grasping at my own sanity! Sometimes I feel like life could have been way better had I chosen psychiatry as my profession and not law. Because I am the only person from this house that feels any obligation toward my mum and grandma. Nobody else feels they should help out with anything! I have to live with and handle my mentally-challenged family, and I feel I am their only hope!

My mother says that she cannot stay to take care of her mother, that she needs to look after her own life and that God who created all these problems should provide solutions! She knows I am here and I will not be so selfish as to disregard my grandma’s needs! She washed her hands clean of any obligation she has towards her own mother. You should hear the way she speaks! It gets to me every time even though I am not surprised at her sheer irresponsibility! She wishes that grandma was dead even! She says mean things! I will always get hurt when I have to listen to her banter about how many problems she has when it is ME and not her who has ever cared about this family! She flees and comes back then vanishes again and again! I,on the other hand, feel bad whenever I see grandma suffering all alone, eating at relatives’ places because her own daugthter abandoned her! My grandma suffers a lot when I am in school and cannot be here with her! I just turned twenty four years old, and yet I feel like I am fourty two! Relatives have mistreated grandma and even chased her away because according to them, it is the responsibility of my mum, her daughter, and not theirs to feed her meals! I hate my mum for not realizing how important it is to care for the elderly in the family!I hate my mum for always leaving me her responsibilities when I have to focus on my studies! I feel like I will someday also have to take care of my mum and my life would basically be spent looking after my entire family. I feel stifled! I feel suffocated! I am just twenty four years old!

Human V/S Greater,More Abstract Needs

I am two people.

There is the human me in me and then there is another me that tells me there are things far greater in this world than mere human needs.

So when my friends pray for a good house,luxurious lifestyle and money, I pray for wisdom and knowledge.

There were great minds in the history of mankind which discovered gravity, astronomy, medicine, electricity, technology and whatever else we are yet to discover in future. I am intrigued at the level of abstract intelligence , capacities, abilities and creativity of these genius minds.

I find that there must have been something that they did differently such that they stood out and became legends in their respective intelligences.

I look at philosophers such as Descartes and Plato and I am amazed at how much a human mind can be capable of such creativity and imagination. These people thought and came up with ideologies, illustrated them using examples from the events in their surroundings and then went forth to claim our attention through generations;they live forever.

I have great respect and admiration for philosophy because it consists of keen observance of the various aspects of life such as politics, economics, religion, law among other aspects. Observance is then followed by conclusions in which the observer after understanding the workings of their object of interest , take note of the lessons they learnt from that experience and then use those lessons to form theories or formulas which people use to make sense of this world!

It is magnificent!

It makes me feel like I would definitely lose out big time if I were to lead a mundane life, to be concerned only about basic human needs and comforts! I mean it is expected of us to need certain things to survive but they should not be all that life is about! I believe there are are bigger things we are capable of achieving that have very little to do with the car your are driving or that dream job you so want to have!

I am so thankful that I realize this.

Acceptance

I look at my life, my childhood and my existence and I feel like I wish I was living with my parents, or that I had a family growing up. Basically, there are a few things I tell myself should have happened a certain way to bring about the life I fantasize about and desire. They say if you have not had something, your need for it magnifies a thousand times. However, have you ever considered perhaps, things on the other side are not as you imagine? Maybe had you had what you thought would have miraculously made you happy and changed your life for the best, would actually have made your life much worse or would have not changed anything really?

Let us take for instance, I wish I had my family, I feel that I would have been happier, more positive, encouraged and supported. However, I do not have any experience living with a family so my imagination gives me a picture-perfect scenario in my mind where half the things I imagine people living with their parents have or feel are probably not true.

Someone else is probably wishing they had a more independent, free and private life like mine. They may also imagine my life to be a certain way that is not necessarily true!

I came to a realization today that acceptance is the answer to a more peaceful, calm transition through the journeys and stages in our lives.

I think the reason why we question our pasts and compare our lives with others’ is because we want to feel in control. We are so empowered these days through I guess the magnificent impossibles we have made possible as human beings through technology and science( we are thinking of moving to Mars, guys- I am so proud of us as human beings!) that we feel we must always be in control of our lives including, choosing our own existence and our parents and the families we come from! Haha! I could not help but laugh right now, well because what I say is true. People feel secure when they can choose what happens to them. Perhaps some people are thinking about having a one-on-one with God right about now just to request the power of attorneys to their own lives;” God, can you please hand over the remote control of my life so I can as well choose how I get to live it. My life, my rules, God!” Haha! Crazy huh? I thought so too.

Anyways, I wonder how peaceful our sleep would be if we stopped challenging everything that happened, has happened or will happen in our lives. Nobody would suffer from insomnia. No one would worry about a thing! If we would just stop struggling, and instead believe in accepting whatever it is that is beyond our control.

I strongly feel that control is an illusion. Think about it. There was no time we, as a species were ever in control! We never got to decide how we would look like as human beings, we did not sketch our bodies’ grand design, we did not choose to live on this particular planet- we kind of just found ourselves here, we basically got designed, launched and given enough resources-mainly brains and intelligence- to be able to survive, develop, advance, and adapt to our environment! Ah, and there is one very incredibly fun fact I forgot to mention, we also do not get to decide how we skidush out of this world or commonly referred to as “die”. It could be an axe, an accident, system failure(natural death I mean), peanuts, water, carbon monoxide,stilletos or a ghost movie. We do not get to choose, of course unless it is suicide- but I would think that death was scary and someone would rather not.

So in conclusion, it is easier to go through life with an attitude of acceptance; to accept whatever life throws at you which you could never ever be able to control or change.

Repunzeinab And The Lonely Tower of Spooky Nights

No, I did not get kidnapped by a witch from my crib. And while I would like to consider my hair beautiful and long, I do not use it as a rope so my prince charming can climb up to me. I am simply your average girl trying to make sense of her world, like you and basically everyone else!

When I have nowhere to be ,I start my day by extending my sleep by three or four more hours(what can I say?I am not a morning person),wake up and switch on my tv to see if there are any interesting ,must-watch movies on mbc 2 or series on Fox after which I get up to make my bed, take a shower and get dressed!

Food!

I go out to buy some food, if there was any delivery service available here I would probably never have to leave the house at all! I eat while watching tv. I get up to take my plate to the kitchen and then I am back infront of my tv screen.

Chores!

I love not to have to do chores! I mean who does not? It is great when you can afford to pay someone to do the dishes for you but when you cannot, best case is to play very loud music on your bluetooth speaker and roll up your sleeves and basically handle those dishes like Spartacus does his opponents in the fighting ring. Swish swish swash and done! Clean house!

Water!

Argh! It is so awful to live without running water 24/7. But when you live in Lamu,Langoni, you automatically sign a warrant for living the desert-style-one-sip-a-swallow kind of lifestyle, where buckets,just like you, compete for living space.Thank God to whoever built this house that we have a water reservoir downstairs! You just need to get a bucket, go down and just like in a well, fetch water from the birika and pour it into your bucket after which you carry it up the stairs and pour into more bucket cousins of the bucket you just carried; so it is like a family of buckets; let us say the bucket you carried the water in is called Susie, and Susie takes the water to her cousins upstairs Isabella, Stella, Santa, Margarita,Sinòrita and Calleta! It is fun for everyone! See?

I live alone! No, I am not an orphan; I have perfectly live parents! ” How do you sleep at night?” It is spooky! Kind of like, the haunted house with the sewer well on IT where the ugly, cannibal,ghost clown dwells! Yap, that one!

I scare myself to insomnia and tachycardia! A slight whisper of wind here, or a curtain flying about and around, or the movement of my bed creek creek in the dead of the night is enough to give me a heart attack in my bed!

I am scared! But again, never have I felt more peaceful to be by myself- during daytime, that is. It is kind of like those bittersweet moments Shakespeare was talking about.

Aunty Party!

When four O’clock strikes, I switch off the tv and go to my aunts. I talk and socialise and then get back home. I switch on the tv and watch something captivating enough to make me forget my lonely, scary surroundings.I try my best to not see the curtain that moves as wind blows on it. I try to keep my eyes open long enough because closing them would mean that scary clown from IT with jaws for teeth would come from the air and get me, or that deformed,monstrous, horrifying “thing” from Lights Out is lurking somewhere in the dark, unused rooms in the house ready to pounce on me the moment I shut my eyes! Did you know that sound is magnified by the silence of the night? I hear and feel every donkey-walk, cat-fight, cat-sneeze and basically any movement outside the house!

When Enough Is Enough

A good friend once told me that stress is not good it will make me sick. What happens when all you ever knew and have been living in is stress? You would think one could learn to adjust to stress when they are exposed to it forever, but that is not the case!

Stress makes you an angry person! It changes and transforms your beautiful, cheerful smile into an ugly,frowning face!

Stress makes you lose your sense of life in that it makes you lose focus on the things that truly matter and instead all you can ever think about is when the stress will stop. I have never given much thought to how I will die, but stress will definitely be the cause of it!

I never thought even once that I would live the kind of life circumstance and fate put in my way! I never thought even once that a beautiful, cheerful,well-meaning girl like me could be fated to live a life of relentless difficulty because I am living with a mentally troubled family that has an exhilarating way of creating and finding trouble for themselves and those around them.

They say there is no illness more dire than that of the mind. Because the mind is central to a human being’s thoughts and behavior, if affected the entire person becomes affected too.

It is hard to imagine that in Coastal Kenya at the moment, there are people living with mental illnesses of all kinds from bipolar disorders to Schezophrenia to Obsessive Compulsive disorders. It is even harder for those people who have to deal with and live with members of their families suffering from mental illness wheb they have no idea how to handle the difficult behavior and continous outbursts. It is as if you are a hobbit from the Shire who has to wear an armour for the first time ever and fight a battle against the Orcs for the survival of the world!

Title: Reader’s Choice

I am unable to sleep because most times my mind jumpstarts in the middle of the night! It is as if the clock of my brain was switched in such a way that the night is official day time for me and vice versa!

Maybe, it is the evening naps I normally fall into involuntarily as I lay in bed binge-watching Hawaii- Five O.I would not be surprised if the cause of my suffering was related to the fact that I am all alone by myself for over two weeks now and I have been forced to let the tv stay on all night just because I am too scared to be by myself! It is just so hard to be ME at a time when I could use some company and some voices in the house. I do not like to be alone! But somehow my entire life, life found a way to render me completely solitary! I am in my own life’s solitary confinement! And it sucks!

I was alone when I started college far from home, I am alone at HOME, I am alone in my loneliness!Atleast Repunzel had some company with her, however nasty and malicious! Atleast her boyfriend-prince would see her from time to time.In my case even the wind is having a merrier life, the desert sand dunes get to see caravans once in a while; I am living an astronaut-sent-on-a-solo-mission kind of life; I am a “down-on-earth” astronaut and my old, haunting, empty house is my spaceship and its windows are see-through so atleast I can feel less alone looking through them to see the outside! I do not ever want to feel this way; Infact, it is a survival threat for me whenever I feel deserted and alone! I guess my brain interpreted all those times in my life I was all by myself to be fight or flight moments and my heart starts to race up and I get really anxious. My only companion is my tv, so when the lights went off yesterday, I found that being all by yourself when the entire country was in darkness and your grandmother sleeping downstairs has social anxiety and would rather live on her own private island shut off from any non-botanical life form for the remainder of her days, was terribly scary! Try to sleep in that atmosphere and if you succeed, I will personally hang a poster with your face on it in my room!

Life is nasty! It is cruel, unfair and highly treacherous! I mean what did other people do differently to belong to a family and be surrounded by people and never have to sleep alone ever? Who decides who gets to live what life and who does not? I never chose to grow up without a family or have to dread holidays for the rest of my life because they meant going back home where there is no one actually waiting for me! while everyone gets back home to family and homemade meals and I-have-no-idea-what, I clean my haunted house because there are layers of dust as old as the days I was gone! Heaps and heaps of dust that conquered every inch of my house such that my foot has no space to step on without having dust all over myself! People, normal people, rest after a long debilitating, highly frustrating journey by road when the road I am referring to is riddled with potholes forever at the same exact spots they were when I was ten years old!

Never have I ever understood the divine purpose behind my current state of lonely affairs! What? Did I sign the Holy Charter Of Life Purpose of human beings who were sent to Earth for the sole purpose of experiencing life lessons in loneliness for the rest of our lives so we can be heavenly examples to those with family and friends so they can learn to appreciate their family and not take their amazing social lives for granted? Because everything exists in two ways, full of it and lack of it? Why cannot everything be balanced so we all can enjoy a bit of both? Don’t you think the world is too harsh in its extremities?

I Was And Then I Was Not

If people realized just how temporary they are in this life, they would not do half the things they do!

People misunderstand life. I guess that is warranted in the sense that human beings somewhat “found” their existence already pre-existing with every human being born, not being the first ever to be or the last. Besides that, human beings found so many things already established and on-going such as religion and belief in God or sheer disbelief in all things existential that no one person was given a chance to find themselves! So it is not surprising that human beings do not know what they are really doing a hundred percent of the time!

Three times a day I imagine what it would be like to die. The realization that I will cease to be one day makes every petty work day, school day, breakfast, dinner date and all other mundane,humanly things seem so frail and oh so human! To think that all that we hold dear in life is in whole just a procedural, natural, expected occurrence in a human being’s ordinary lifespan, that our desire for a good life, is supposed to be there for us to forget the harsh reality that life indeed is fleeting and nobody owns it!; we do not know when or how we will die. We live and invest in a good life( the paradigm of a good life- something every human strives for in their lifetime- to have a better tomorrow), while we take a big gamble because we are alive yes, but not sure for how long and whether or not our desires will materialize before we kick the bucket! Anyone with a tiny bit of business sense would advise strictly against such an investment! It is a bad investment when you are discussing whetherors and whatifs in any investment deal! How do you invest in something or rather someone that will likely yield or not yield the desired result? How do you invest in a life you do not control? How do you invest in yourself when you will cease to be in an unknown time and manner? Whoa! I am being overwhelmed by my own words!

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