I cannot believe I googled “ways to die painlessly”, yet again! Yes, this is not the first time, and no I never went through with killing myself(obviously, unless this is my ghost writing). At first, it was really super hard to break that taboo barrier of even allowing myself to think about suicide;but once I was on the other side, contemplating painless, quickest ways of offing myself became much easier! The question now remains, will I ever go through with it?Haha I am way too coward to attempt!
I have a zero tolerance for pain or discomfort. I think when they created me, they had not yet created pain, and the pain tolerance scale never existed at the time. I cannot even let someone poke me with their finger. I have not been able to handle pain with dignity and patience.
My philosophy has always been, if it is painful, don’t do it! Because to me anything painful was never supposed to be done in the first place; the pain is there to signal that! So today, I am amazed at myself that I could entertain thoughts of causing pain to myself because I want to get away from the pain in my life.
I may be wrong, but I think my life is fucked up! Excuse my language! I have never gotten anything easily in my life. I have had to fight for every little thing just to stay normal!I got a rough childhood, I still managed to pull through though and get good grades in school. I went away to pursue my secondary education and later college but my life still sucked back home. Whenever I was away I would kid myself into believing that I was making progress and that finally my life was becoming better, however,once I came back home, I am reminded of the same problems I have had to face ,solo, all my childhood and now my young adulthood!I feel like nothing is ever going to change! Why? What kind of problems are never-changing,you ask? Every problem has a solution you say!? Well , not when your problems are your family! You do not get to choose your family, the same way you do not choose whether or not to leave them when they become the most consistent, most enduring source of your emotional and mental breakdown!
I have a mother who is Bipolar, and a grandmother who is schezophrenic and psychotic maybe,? I am not sure!All I know is that my mother was always running away at the sight of a problem, including me. She would pack her bags and flee. Then I would be left with a grandmother who was already battling with her own issues, and I was the victim. In my mother’s dictionary, the word reponsibility does not exist! She gets married and remarried, gives birth to children and more children, and then leaves! So all my half sisters and brothers somehow end up with no parental love or care, with their grannies or daddies! Sometimes the daddies also abandon their children with their parents, whereas, other fortunate times, the daddies, like mine, care enough to be there for us even when they live in another continent!
Because my dad lives far away, I get to carry my family on my shoulders; my irritable,unaccepting-of-any-responsibility bipolar mother, and my schezophrenic gandmother who thinks neighbours are stealing her money through magic! I have to take care of them because no one else will! The few weeks or days I am at home from school, I have to deal with mum’s denial of her mental condition and refusal to take medication,as well as have to convince grandma that nobody spies on her from outside the windows while she eats!And all this I try to do, while desperately grasping at my own sanity! Sometimes I feel like life could have been way better had I chosen psychiatry as my profession and not law. Because I am the only person from this house that feels any obligation toward my mum and grandma. Nobody else feels they should help out with anything! I have to live with and handle my mentally-challenged family, and I feel I am their only hope!
My mother says that she cannot stay to take care of her mother, that she needs to look after her own life and that God who created all these problems should provide solutions! She knows I am here and I will not be so selfish as to disregard my grandma’s needs! She washed her hands clean of any obligation she has towards her own mother. You should hear the way she speaks! It gets to me every time even though I am not surprised at her sheer irresponsibility! She wishes that grandma was dead even! She says mean things! I will always get hurt when I have to listen to her banter about how many problems she has when it is ME and not her who has ever cared about this family! She flees and comes back then vanishes again and again! I,on the other hand, feel bad whenever I see grandma suffering all alone, eating at relatives’ places because her own daugthter abandoned her! My grandma suffers a lot when I am in school and cannot be here with her! I just turned twenty four years old, and yet I feel like I am fourty two! Relatives have mistreated grandma and even chased her away because according to them, it is the responsibility of my mum, her daughter, and not theirs to feed her meals! I hate my mum for not realizing how important it is to care for the elderly in the family!I hate my mum for always leaving me her responsibilities when I have to focus on my studies! I feel like I will someday also have to take care of my mum and my life would basically be spent looking after my entire family. I feel stifled! I feel suffocated! I am just twenty four years old!