Tell Me I am the Best and I Will Stop Searching

I do not believe in myself.

It is always easy for me to praise and congratulate my colleagues for their incredible speeches in class, or for their outstanding and consistent effort in their studies but I hardly pat myself on the back for that time I engineered the best speech ever in highschool,( which I gave to someone else to recite word for word when I could have done the whole ordeal way better than anyone in the school) or that time when I was topping my class in both secular and Islamic studies four years in a row!

I am appalled at how humbly humble I am.

I am too down-to-earth and real to acknowledge my uniqueness. I feel like I could use some intense self-love and adoration once in a while.

It is almost like my self-esteem flew out the window and into a ditch somewhere never to be found!

I am awesome, smart, intelligent, humorous, beautiful, loving and practical!

I solve my own problems without needing anybody’s help. I am my own person and I do not seek aid even in those times that I could benefit immensely from someone’s help!

People see me and they go like, “She is a genius!” ,or “You are so beautiful!” while I react by wondering , “Are these people referring to me?”, “How can I be all those things?”

Sometimes I reward myself for completing a project or for preparing for examinations just so my mind remembers that if it commits itself to studies, then it gets to watch freshly released Suicide Squad on the big screen or that KitKat Krusher at KFC or a warm KFC zinger boxmaster!

My mind definitey remembers and longs for those moments when I spoil myself with binge-eating and watching!

However, I sometimes wonder if I truly really know my worth. Anyone who is not in my shoes would love to be ME. The question is however, do I want to be me?

Perhaps, people look at me and wish to be where I am or to achieve what I have achieved so far. On the other hand, I hardly give myself due credit for my awesomeness.

In romantic relationships is where I find myself falling short of self esteem and appreciation. There are so many hot, cute guys out there but somehow, I always find myself tangled up with “less-than-ideal” partners whom family and friends would naturally, obviously not welcome in my life. Either the guy is uneducated, jobless, way older or unavailable!

It is madness when you think about it really! How on earth does a beautiful, smart and intelligent girl like me end up entagled with anyone fitting the above described criteria? Do not ask, because I do not have the answers!

I have observed that I find myself attracted to the wrong people! Those who are right for me, I do not lose sleep over them one bit; I dont find myself drawn to those who are in the same career as me or have similar plans and will walk the same path as mine or those whom my dad will definitely accept as my suitors falling in the category of doctors and engineers!

I am torn between my gut and heart on one hand and what is seen as proper and acceptable by my family and society on the other!

This is a conscious, consistent battle as long as I am an educated girl!How I wish the heart also wore its own graduation cape and had its own degree because then, only then, would it be able to choose, mate with and marry its fellow educated and lawyerized heart soulmate!

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